Is this depression or normal post breakup situation?

[lizardking82]

The first month or so after my ex dumped me, I was an absolute disaster. A week after the breakup went from being uncertain to more and more certain, I drastically lost my appetite and was barely eating once a day and not much at all even that one time. This went on for at least 3 more weeks. Then, my hunger started to slowly come back and although I picked myself up and starting shooting photos and making new projects at quite a nice rate (I am a photographer), this all kinda faded away overtime. The desire to shoot photos has almost left me in the last 2-3 weeks although ironically, I am holding up well with no contact at all since I wished her happy birthday 14 of November and there had been no form of contact whatsoever since 1st of November excluding the birthday wish.

 

In the first month or so I cried several times. I occasionally cry now as well, but less. Point is, more than a month of full no contact, I still feel lost, I still get sad about it. One other thing I have observed is that I have lost all regularity in life right now. Almost 2 weeks will be today that I have gone out of the house just 3 hours in total. I don't wash dishes anymore, I don't have the motivation and the desire to eat healthy while during the second year of my relationship I even started eating healthier.. I always slept late and woke up late, but it was more of a 3/4 am sleeping to a 11/12 waking up. Now it has shifted to 5/6 am sleeping and 1/2 pm (sometimes 3 pm) waking up.

 

Is this depression I am still going through?

[CommittedToThis]

Hey Lizardking,

 

You can do anything.

 

Yeah, I would describe what you are going thru, mentally, emotionally and physically, as post-breakup depression. I suspect it's different than "regular" everyday depression, the kind you see TV commercials about. You are depressed about some serious, tangible events while the other kind of depression is more of a generalized thing.

 

So you have that to be grateful for.

 

God, I hate to say this, but I spent A YEAR going thru what you're going thru. I left a 10-year "interaction" with someone I suspect has a personality disorder, and those kind of "interactions" are really, supremely tough to get past because there is absolutely no closure.

 

I hope your breakup was a normal one, one where you both say, "This isn't working, is it? We should call it a day."

 

If that's the case, you have that to be grateful for, too.

 

I moved from a big city to a small mountain town, I knew no one, and it was freezing LOL. I took painkillers for 3 months straight, I hated it because they "removed me from myself." But I skated those 3 months as far as coming to grips with what happened to me so it helped somewhat.

 

But I didn't eat, barely slept, cried all the time, felt like dying, questioned my very own masculine core, almost found Christ, lost Him again, tried meditation.

 

Mainly I cried a lot. A whole, whole lot.

 

And then, after about a year, I was looking at myself in the mirror once again crying and I said "I'm done crying."

 

What helped me move on was to work on some self-love exercises, establish firm no contact with ex, and start getting out and doing non-dating activities with other people.

 

Soon after all my good habits returned and I felt a zillion times better.

 

I, too, struggled with my passion, which is writing music. I wrote some pretty cool **** when I started coming out of it, some of my best lyrics ever. Since then, I am more of a "music" guy and I've been coming up with some really fun, complex, math-y music that's really a challenge to play. It's dark and dissonant and I love it.

 

So, be patient. Work on self-love. Forget about all ideas of dating for now. Try to exercise (I used to walk to town every day), try to eat better, try meditation (it helps), try getting out a little bit.

 

Day by day you will find your old self returning, except wiser and better equipped for future relationships if and when they happen.

 

Hang in there, it's very, very hard. But you can do it, man. You are the Lizard King.

[Satu]

You could call it depression, or you could call it grief.

 

They aren't quite the same, but they are related.

 

Some people in psychoanalytic circles consider depression to be the result of 'blocked grief,' or 'failed grieving.'

 

I hold to that opinion, but you don't have to.

 

You're too near to the breakup for your experience to be described as blocked, or failed.

 

What you are feeling is not unusual at all.

 

You're in the grieving process.

 

Respect and accept whatever thoughts and feelings that come up, and you'll make it to the other side.

 

 

Take care.

[kel224]

Lizardking,

 

Have you had problems (diagnosed or suspected) with depression in the past? I have dealt with it a few times in my life, so I knew the night my ex-gf broke up with me that I needed to get to back to my doctor asap before the darkness closed in too much. If you've had issues with depression before, it would be a good idea to tell your doctor just in case. I started back on medication and have been exercising a lot, and I feel much much healthier for it. Even better than before the breakup to be honest.

 

A lot of what you've described is typical after a breakup. I'm around 2 months post-being broken up with my my ex-gf. I lost 10 lbs the first two weeks (I look great now though ) and sleep was really hard for the first few weeks. I still have trouble with sleep some, mostly waking up in the middle of the night after having bad dreams. I still tear up on occasion, but its much less frequent and than in the first few weeks. Journaling and writing letters to your ex (that you don't send!) really help a lot of people. It's been cathartic for me, and I'd recommend trying if you haven't.

 

You mention photography-keep that up! Guitar and writing music has always been my main hobby. Like Comittedtothis, I once wrote a lot of music after my first really bad breakup years ago. I listen back to the stuff I wrote and its like "holy crap, I wrote that gem?". Any artist will tell you that misery makes the art better. So I'd say go all in and funnel whatever you're feeling through photography and other passions.

 

Regarding your daily routine-its also normal for that to get shaken up after a breakup, especially if you spent a lot of time with your ex. I lived with mine for almost 2 years, and we did everything together. I also had to move suddenly so I had a really hectic life for the first month. For me, getting back into a new routine that I like doing on my own has really helped.

 

Overall, I think you're doing alright considering how crappy breakups are. Just focus on healing, growing and moving yourself back to a healthy life and you'll come out of this better than ever. It takes time, so be patient with yourself. Good luck.

Edited December 21, 2016 by kel224

[CommittedToThis]

I lost 10 lbs the first two weeks (I look great now though)

 

"Yes you, too, can reach your Goal Weight™ with the All New Pain and Suffering Diet!"

 

I kid you not, I dropped about 20 pounds and I was back to my high school weight. I'm not a bulky dude so I'm glad I am fattening back up again.

 

Sorry you've been going thru some tough times, too, kel224, hang in there and keep challenging your songwriting!

[lizardking82]

Nope, have not had depression problems before. Have gone through previous breakups that felt bad, but never anywhere close to this, for sure. Right after the breakup I also shot pictures that are awesome (and look sad). What kept me sad for over a month after the breakup was that I was lookin' at her Instagram profile like crazy, like 10-15 times a day (although her posts would show up on my feed anyways ). Later on (she's a model) she shot this sexy video with this guy I started having doubts she was involved right after the breakup and that night I was literally boiling. A couple of days later I decided it's best I take her off of both Instagram and Facebook and I did because as if nothing had happened, she kept on liking my posts in both. Since I took her off, I casually fight the desire to check her profile out although I have checked it like 2-3 times in the last two weeks or so. I am getting better at a super slow rate, but lately I've just been feeling like staying home and dealing with my work from home. I am spending the holidays in Greece at my aunt's together with my family and I think that will help bring the mood up a bit.

 

Writing leters to her (that I don't send!) is something I might try out since I have not done that yet. What is something else that seems strange to me and I never felt before is that I have become somewhat allergic to couples online. I just cannot see any kind of couple showing affection because I directly get reminded of my ex. Deep inside, I still have a percentage of hopes she will come back, but those hopes die everyday more and more.

 

Thank you guys for relating. It really means a lot to me.

Edited December 21, 2016 by lizardking82

[kel224]

"Yes you, too, can reach your Goal Weight™ with the All New Pain and Suffering Diet!"

 

Haha, I'm very confident it's the best darned diet there is.

 

@Lizardking-yea, social media makes breakups awfully hard. Sounds like your ex had someone lined up before the breakup. That's always really hard to find out about.

 

And yes, it's also normal to feel like crap when you see other couples. Just a reminder of what ya once had. But you'll have it again. That's all normal to feel, as is the lingering hope for reconciling. Just so long as you don't focus on hoping she'll come back. It'll all start leveling out to the point where the thoughts pop in, but don't really affect your mood one way or the other. And it will be pretty awesome when you're out around town finally feeling good again and see new girls checking you out

[LuvMyDogMore]

I was wondering something similar: I've been broken up for several months (but didn't REMOTELY adhere to the no-contact rule, I'm an idiot like that, but at least today makes one solid week of no contact!) and the depression is almost debilitating. I also happened to move across the country to a place where I know no one, started a new job and found out my mom has cancer [again] at the same time I broke up with my boyfriend.

 

So: I was wondering if this is grief over the loss of a 3.5 year relationship, mere situational depression (vs clinical depression) or just life? And yes, I know the ticket is to get out there, do things, exercise, do hobbies...but when you're in a low place it is very difficult to talk yourself into putting the damn running shoes on. I ran a half marathon last month and have only managed to run 2 or 3 times since...it just seems pointless. And I love running.

 

Anyway, it's nice to read the suggestions on this forum by people who've been there/done that and survived. I need to be so grateful I escaped an emotionally and physically abusive relationship with someone I also suspect has a personality disorder. And I'm not homeless and I have an amazing dog and a million other things to be grateful for!