Reflections Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 Why is it "ok" to fatasize about others when you're in a commited relationship? I always hear "it's just fantasy," or "it doesn't mean he'll actually cheat," or "it's not like he has a chance with her anyways." But what about being faithful to our partners, not only physically, but also with our minds? I'd be concerned if I found myself wanting to have an affair, even if I didn't act on it. Not that fantasy has to be about wanting an affair, I was just trying to point out that while thoughts and actions are different, thoughts can't be completley disregarded as being "just" thoughts. I just feel my sexual thoughts, feelings, and desires shouldn't be on anyone but my partner, although I seem to be in the minority here with this opinion. And no, this isn't a problem I'm having with my partner. It's just something I've noticed alot on this and other forums, and feel at odds with. Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha2005 Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 I don't know how to answer your question except to say that, although your thoughts are probably almost exclusively with your partner at the beginning of relationship, that changes after awhile, especially if you stay together, marry, whatever. Unfortunately, it just seems to be nature's way with us, so I don't think it's a matter of if it happens or if it's ok, but more a question of acceptance. If you let this become an issue in any current or future relationship, you're opening up problems for yourself. Ever heard of the Serenity Prayer? Well, I think in your case it could be a great help to you. Is it like cheating ? NO !! It isn't. Your partner is there with you, sharing with you and enjoying you. You will know when you've REALLY got problems because he wont be there with you, he'll be off... cheating in the flesh and he WON'T be satisfied just to be with you. So, if you want to have a happy life, put it out of your mind because you cannot change human nature. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reflections Posted July 16, 2005 Author Share Posted July 16, 2005 But why does it have to change? there's ways of spicing things up without having to change who the fantasy involves. Maybe I am young and somewhat naive, but there's noone that turns me on as much as my partner, and there are countless things I can fantasize about doing with him. And honestly, when that gets boring, I don't see how changing the person is going to make it much more exciting. Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha2005 Posted July 16, 2005 Share Posted July 16, 2005 No ! I dont think you need to change the partner to make it exciting. Not at all !! But that is where the fantasy comes in. So you go into a relationship (hopefully a marriage) and after several years ... yes, you can still spice it up, but thinking of other people, situations, settings, etc is just going to happen. But i doubt seriously your partner is going to look at you in the middle of lovemaking and say, "by the way, right now I'm thinking about "x" and ... ". I think it happens with men faster than women (probably) but it happens with us too I think it just takes longer. You are young and most women your age dont like it or want to accept it. I was the same way, so I tortured myself and my ex-husband and made our lives miserable. Another day, another person (me). Believe me, you'll be better off just not thinking about it if it's going to upset you, because if you let it eat at you, you're going to run your mate off. You cannot change human nature. By the way, this reminds me a little bit of another post I read by a girl who was upset because her bf went to a stripclub. And yes, this would have sent me into a spin too when I was your age. Well, a good analogy was given by RP ... she said that men like to look at naked women the way women like to look at clothes ... if we go out and shop... just because we stop and look at a pair of shoes doesnt mean we dont like the one's we're wearing. No matter how much you dislike the thought of a partner fantasizing or men liking to lookat naked women, you will never change it. It's best just to accept and be calm about it and when they sense you are not threatened, I think it actually alleviates some of their desire for it (but not all of their desire for it ) and vice versa ... the MORE upset you get about it... the more they desire it. So try to come to terms because it wont change. Link to post Share on other sites
Blackfrost Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 I'm quite curious how old you are (but you don't have to answer ). Here's my (guy) point of view on this - take it for what you will. <the disclaimer> I have never physically cheated in any way on any of my relationships or marriage. <end of disclaimer> Does that mean I still don't get the urge when I see a woman who matches my "ideal profile" to want to sleep with her? No. Of course I want to sleep with her, I'm not dead, and the biology of my body does not suddenly alter, because I'm now in a relationship. Do all the fantasies in my head - that have been compiling since I discovered mr. winkie at age 11 - wipe clean because I suddenly said "we are officially a couple"? No. Fantasies run rampant through guys heads all the time - we're wired that way. Are we meant to be monogamous? I have no idea. I know that sometimes it takes a great effort of iron will to remain monogamous though. I have personally walked away from situations where (a year down the line) I'm banging myself in the head saying "I could have scored BIGTIME" and I passed on it, and there are times I'm very thankful that I passed the oppertunity up. Hence we remember those types of situations, and sometimes we fantisize about them. I don't fantasize about other women every time I go to bed with my wife. In fact, at best, it may be only once or twice a month (if even that often) and for me it's usually linked to when she really wants sex, and I'm way too tired and not in the mood, but am always good about reciprocating when she asks for it too. This is where a fantasy might get me in the mood if the actual act at that moment isn't completely doing it for me - for whatever reasons. Sometimes my wife doesn't want me pounding away on her for an hour, because she's sore, or i'm not getting enough friction, and hence quick series of random thoughts, can sometimes speed up that process to within minutes of completion. Does it matter so much to you about every little thing that goes on in your partners mind? That seems a bit Orwelian megolomanic to me. If you love each other, and can rely on each other everyday to remain physically committed. - that's about the best scenario you can ask for. It means you have found a true allie and partner for life. meh...I could go on about this forever, but you get the point. I don't know how womens brains are wired - and actually I don't know if I would like to really know haha - but this happens to be how my guy brain is wired. Cheers Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=62340#post62340 Read the first post, then she elaborates in 4th post. It may interest you. Link to post Share on other sites
Blackfrost Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 O dear.............. well, that will explain this topic then Thanks for the heads up Samantha Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 You're welcome Link to post Share on other sites
Marshbear Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 I don't fantasize about other women every time I go to bed with my wife. In fact, at best, it may be only once or twice a month (if even that often) and for me it's usually linked to when she really wants sex, and I'm way too tired and not in the mood, but am always good about reciprocating when she asks for it too. This is where a fantasy might get me in the mood if the actual act at that moment isn't completely doing it for me - for whatever reasons. Sometimes my wife doesn't want me pounding away on her for an hour, because she's sore, or i'm not getting enough friction, and hence quick series of random thoughts, can sometimes speed up that process to within minutes of completion. We all do this at one time or another ( wither we admit it or not ). Women fantasize as well as men and I really don't see the harm as long as it isn't an obsession. If it gets to where you can't proform unless you fantasize about someone other than your partner then it becomes and issue in your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
jacquelyn Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 Originally posted by Reflections Why is it "ok" to fatasize about others when you're in a commited relationship? I always hear "it's just fantasy," or "it doesn't mean he'll actually cheat," or "it's not like he has a chance with her anyways." But what about being faithful to our partners, not only physically, but also with our minds? I'd be concerned if I found myself wanting to have an affair, even if I didn't act on it. Not that fantasy has to be about wanting an affair, I was just trying to point out that while thoughts and actions are different, thoughts can't be completley disregarded as being "just" thoughts. I just feel my sexual thoughts, feelings, and desires shouldn't be on anyone but my partner, although I seem to be in the minority here with this opinion. And no, this isn't a problem I'm having with my partner. It's just something I've noticed alot on this and other forums, and feel at odds with. Completely agree with you! I think that if you fantasize enough about a specific person and an opportunity with that person comes around, you'll be more than likely to fulfill that fantasy. I don't know. It's just my thought or how I see it. I mean, I have no problem with a partner fantasizing but it's a bit wrong to fantasize about someone else. If you need a quick fantasy to get off fast, can't you just fantasize about someone with no face, where their face is just a blur? Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 Completely agree with you! I think that if you fantasize enough about a specific person and an opportunity with that person comes around, you'll be more than likely to fulfill that fantasy. I don't know. My guess is that, in general it's not a specific person, but rather a fantasy person or perhaps a thought back to someone we met briefly or long ago, etc. I think that we are ALL in agreement with the following statement: We all do this at one time or another ( wither we admit it or not ). Women fantasize as well as men and I really don't see the harm as long as it isn't an obsession Of course, if your spouse is thinking about the guy next door (or the woman next door obsessively there's a problem !! Normal fantasizing shouldn't pose a problem... it's just a part of life. If we obsess over normal fantasy then we start getting into control issues. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 Originally posted by Samantha2005 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=62340#post62340 Read the first post, then she elaborates in 4th post. It may interest you. Good heavens. No wonder! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Reflections Posted July 17, 2005 Author Share Posted July 17, 2005 Im not quite sure what that linked post has to do with my question... Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 Nevermind then Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 That isn't you? Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Rosalind Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 Originally posted by Reflections Im not quite sure what that linked post has to do with my question... me neither Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 It was a misunderstanding. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 Originally posted by Reflections Why is it "ok" to fatasize about others when you're in a commited relationship? I always hear "it's just fantasy," or "it doesn't mean he'll actually cheat," or "it's not like he has a chance with her anyways." But what about being faithful to our partners, not only physically, but also with our minds? Ok REFLECTIONS: Please tell me how you or anyone else are going to stop fantasizing, short of going into a brain-dead coma??? It is normal to fantasize about others. THere is no way you can just turn it off as far as I know... Link to post Share on other sites
ollydolly Posted August 4, 2005 Share Posted August 4, 2005 I don't understand this fantasy thing at all. My partner does it for me totally. When we make love or even when I masturbate - it's him that is in my consciousness. I really hope he reciprocates and finds me a turn on in this same way. In my ex marriage... I had to fantasize in order to be able to **** my husband... he just didn't do it for me after about one year of the union. We were together for ten years so you can imagine how good I got at fantasy! If I needed to fantasize now in order to get off with my partner, I'd be concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.positive Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 Liar You know you do it just admit it. Link to post Share on other sites
ollydolly Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 Why do you find it so unbelievable? Some of us really do live with people we desire. Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 Yikes! My girl tells me she doesn't fantasize about nobody!! Uhh.... she lying to me? I've convinced myself that women are better at NOT fantasizing then men are. Guess I'm delusional... Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 i agree with reflections you shouldnt fantasize about others it is totally wrong!maybe mens and womens brains are totally different but why should women have to worry about there bfs or husbands etc fanisizing about other women!if you want to fantasize about other people i say dont get in a relatonship in the first place!has anyone read that book every mans battle?even though im not christian or am not religious in anyway i think that book is right!men fantisizing about other women takes the attention from there girlfriends and also takes away sexual attention!maybe this book seems a bit harsh but i think the basics of it are right.men have wrote it and in it it describes the day to day life of 2 men and how they stop oogling other women and how they stop fantisizing about other women as it takes there attention from there wives.you should read it! oh yes to black frost dont you think its even wrong to fanisize about another woman while making love to your girlfriend or wive even once.its totally not fair.especially when its supposed to be the most intimate thing a cuople can do its supposed to be about the two of you not the two of you plus the people your thinking about! Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 I think it depends on the circumstances of the fantasy. If you're having them about someone you actually know (someone you work with or are friends with) then it could be harmful to the relationship. I've never fantasized about other women while I am having sex with my girlfriend. I do it when I masturbate but its usually always to porn. I never masturbate to a fantasy of some chick I know from work or I am friends with. 60% of the time its to porn or some softcore movie. Once in a while its just some girl I make up in my head. And the rest of the time it involves my girlfriend. My girlfriend masturbates once in a while. To be honest I've never asked her if she thinks of me. I'm sure she does sometimes and sometimes she doesn't. I'm ok with that. I would probably be hurt if she did while we were having sex. But I would never ask her anyways so I wouldn't get hurt. So in general fantasies are usually harmless. When it comes to having them during sex with your partner if they are frequent or about someone you actually know then it could be a problem. Its best to keep the fantasies for masturbation and concentrate on your SO during sex. Afterall thats what sex is about. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 Furthermore the whole point of a relationship and or marriage is that you're committing yourself to this person. But in that is a sacrifice. Thats part of what makes it so beautiful. If it was easy to do then it could be done with anyone and would make it less special. If you never thought of anyone else ever, remaining faithful would be effortless, and there would be no sacrifice. So one could argue that the act of not acting on the fantasy and being able to seperate them from reality and your love for this person; is the ultimate act of committment. Link to post Share on other sites
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