examining another divorce and trouble sons !

[jaimster]

its been almost two months since I started second divorce after 10 years , with much younger women ,, I'm ok with IT .. not bitter at ALL trying to make peace with it . wish her the same ! so far divorce appears to be going ok ..

I feel hopeful and excited about finding somebody new, maybe cause' I have always taking good care of my self work out just about everyday and reading and informing my self about how to connect better with women.

 

NOW I'm having to deal with two sons from previous marriage .. 19 and 25

 

19 year old ONLY cares about himself seems to be doing ok in college , gave him a car , he has NO consideration about getting tickets and racking up toll road expenses , since car sill on my name I'm getting charges notices on mail , up to 300 dollars so far . debating if I should just take vehicle back and let him deal with consequences !!

 

other son 25 on disability severe HDAD disorder and PTSD caused by my first wife's sister abuse ..doesn't want to change his life ,, blames everybody for his life ..they both were raised by first wife.. spend lots of money trying to win custody . when they were growing up , could not do it in California.

 

now I'm in my early fifthy's unemployed , ALONE no family where I'm at ..

going through second divorce and sons issues . I do have a home that I can offer to my next relationship .. I feel at least I have that going.. when I'm working I make ok money and great auto mechanic so ive been told ! will be looking for full time employment starting next year.

 

I'm starting to feel very stress out about my sons situation !!

how do a deal with these boys !!

[anika99]

Sounds like you met this wife while you were divorcing your first wife and now you have very recently decided to divorce this wife and you are already focusing on snagging a new woman. Do you think maybe you should take a year or two to work on your own life before getting involved in another serious relationship?

[Downtown]

19 year old ONLY cares about himself.... debating if I should just take vehicle back and let him deal with consequences!!

Jaimster, if your 19 year old doesn't have to suffer the logical consequences of his own bad choices and bad behavior, you are destroying any incentives he has to improve his behavior and behave more maturely.

 

Other son 25 on disability severe HDAD disorder and PTSD caused by my first wife's sister abuse.

A third of the adult males exhibiting PTSD in the past year also suffer from full-blown BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP. Likewise, adult HDSD is strongly associated with BPD.

 

As to HDSD, I've not yet found any reliable statistics on the incidence of BPD in adults exhibiting HDSD. I have found the reverse statistic, however. A therapeutic treatment center reports in 2011 that a fourth of BPDers exhibit adult HDSD. Specifically, it states:

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder frequently co-occurs in borderline individuals, affecting nearly 1 out of every 4. Like BPD, people with ADHD often struggle with impulsivity. One of the dilemmas with treating someone with BPD and ADHD is that ADHD medications can make borderline symptoms worse. See

Treatment Center

.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Jaimster.

[jaimster]

guess I was attracted to needy women my first two relationships .. I WONT make that mistake again !!!

 

I'm in my fifthy's can't afford to wait years when I'm ready or right one ..

I'm working making my self ready to chose the right person when I have an opportunity to meet her..im still have a lot to OFFER.

 

DOWNTOWN appreciate your wise and intelligent advice ..

 

believe my younger son will have to get at taste of tough love coming! if he doesn't take care of those pending charges .. I'm taking the car back since he wont answer my phone calls .. I have given him a notice I will be doing so.

 

I read the 18 BPD warning signs : he probably exhibits 20 % of those , so it may not be him ! he doesn't live with me , I have tried several times to convince him to move in my house so I can stay on him motivate him to work on his life - he is so attached to his mom I think she's has been a GREAT influence in life " brain washing " if you would we divorced in our 30's

still she blames me for her current status.. she had several set backs relationships and money wise .. NO physical. NO drugs , just emotional

issues in that marriage ,, she was sexually emotionally abuse in her childhood ..

NEVER looked for help that I know of !

 

sorry just some history on people who influence him ??

 

he's had several hospitalizations for sychosis breakdowns ..while living with her

I have told him if doesn't break the bad emotional dependence on her he may not make it .. he'll come and visit me at times well have a good time most of the time .. he goes back to his mom's house . I would find out later he is back in the hospital again..

 

he has told me he gets into these mental state where he feels "he wants to hurt people " them his mom will take him to the mental hospital .. stays there for a week or two them release .. I feel he is going to end up in homeless , prison or death

 

hes been diagnosed with squizophrenia NOT sure he doesn't show those signs , PTSD also sexually he is now more attractive to men than girls , the fact that his moms sister abused him when he was 13 for years, this contributed to how he feels about his sexuality now . I didn't know this till few months ago. I have told him I really don't care if he is gay or not I'm still love him he is my son.

 

how do I help him ?

[Downtown]

[Older son]... has been diagnosed with schizophrenia. NOT sure he doesn't show those signs.... How do I help him?

Jaimster, why do you say he doesn't show signs of schizophrenia? Which symptoms are missing? If he does have it, your son has a biological disorder that a professional must treat by finding the right antipsychotic, and right dosage level, that reduces his symptoms. For parents and other loved ones, NIMH recommends:

 

• Get them treatment and encourage them to stay in treatment;
  
• Remember that their beliefs or hallucinations seem very real to them;
  
• Tell them that you acknowledge that everyone has the right to see things their own way;
  
• Be respectful, supportive, and kind without tolerating dangerous or inappropriate behavior; and
  
• Check to see if there are any support groups in your area.
  

[jaimster]

its just that I have asked him before about those symptoms . he keeps saying its NOT him.. for a while he did mentioned he thinks he is transgender .. I have told him whatever his sexuality is . I will support him I love my son..

 

he is on all kinds of medication , he has been on different one for a while

like I said he doesn't live me " wish he did" whenever he goes into the hospital at various times I have asked the doctors diagnosis he is always told me he thinks its sychosis I know that's a mental condition or symptom NOT a diagnosis RIght ! am I mistaken there!

 

I have told him before whatever mental illness he is dealing with its NOT him . its just an illness ! I find it extremely difficult to get through him it seems everything I say - he does not CARE to listen to.

[Downtown]

its just that I have asked him before about those symptoms. he keeps saying its NOT him.

Generally, with mental conditions such personality disorders, psychosis, and schizophrenia, the best way to know what his behavioral symptoms are is to simply observe his behavior -- not to ask him. People exhibiting those conditions generally lack the self awareness to see their own behaviors as clearly as you can. Schizophrenia, for example, causes a breakdown in the relation between thought, emotion, and behavior. It thus produces a faulty perception and a withdrawal from reality into fantasy and delusion.

 

I have asked the doctors diagnosis he is always told me he thinks its psychosis. I know that's a mental condition or symptom NOT a diagnosis. RIght?

Right. Strictly speaking, psychologists are unable to do a true diagnosis of any of the 157 disorders listed in the AMA's "diagnostic" manual. That manual (DSM-5) essentially is a dictionary that defines the behavioral symptoms for each of the 157 patterns of behaviors listed in the manual.

 

A true diagnosis -- like that done for nearly all diseases identified by medical doctors -- requires identification of the underlying cause of the disorder, not the symptoms of the disorder. The problem with trying to base diagnosis on symptoms is that there may be two dozen different diseases that produce those very same symptoms.

 

This is why the medical profession essentially abandoned the symptoms approach to diagnosis back in the middle of the last century. They still use it, however, for some disorders (e.g., Alzheimer's disease) where the underlying cause is not well understood. This is why the "diagnosis" of Alzheimer's essentially is still based on the symptoms.

 

This is not to say, however, that the DSM patterns of behavioral symptoms are not useful. On the contrary, they are extremely valuable. The psychiatric community is able to completely transform peoples' lives by treating the symptoms -- even though they are unable to treat (or even identify to a certainty) the cause of those symptoms.

 

Hence, in the field of psychology, the term "diagnosis" means that a professional has determined that the symptoms are so severe that he can infer (or reasonably assume) that some unproven disorder must be causing it. Yet, because this connection between behavioral patterns and their "disorders" is tenuous and not well understood, there is no convincing evidence that each of the 157 patterns constitutes a separate "disorder." The ten personality "disorders," for example, may all be caused by only three factors -- or perhaps by a single disorder. This is one reason why the 10 PDs likely will be consolidated into only 6 PDs in the next edition of the DSM.