Gut instinct about her male colleague

[crebel81]

You realize that you are setting yourself up for failure do you not?

 

Look, I get you wanting to gather everyone's advice and while that is good, you should understand that as opposed to thanking everyone for their post and then asking basically the same question over and over you are doing yourself a disservice. Simply put, you are delaying the inevitable.

 

You have spent the balance now of Five pages hoping somebody is going to come along and tell you that this is all a misunderstanding and that you have it all wrong and there is nothing going on...

 

I get that, we all get that. Dealing with this shyte is mind numbing. Especially when your Fiance KNOWS this is bothering you yet doing nothing but paying you some sort of lipservice to you in hopes that you will just shut up about it because it's the holidays and you are ruining the spirit of the season.

 

That is what the hell is going on OP.

 

We can only basically tell you the same thing so many times. Five pages worth of literally a broken record of us pleading with you to allow the scales to fall from your eyes and ACT.

 

Again, many of us have been where you are right now. We also know that nothing changed until there was an action in order to bring about some form of resolution.

 

She has little to no respect for you as it is. Attempting to either nice her back or to rug sweep this is gong to destroy any chance you have of saving this relationship.

 

I'll step away from this thread because the frustration level I feel for you reminds me some of when I didn't know what was wrong in my relationship and I was totally oblivious until it slapped me in the face. I don't want you to get slapped in the face by what you will further discover, but I think you are at a point where you are looking or one of us to sprinkle some sort of fairy dust on you and tell you this is all a bad dream.

 

I wish you the best of luck. In closing I will one more time appeal to you to make a choice. You can either let it go, do something about it, or nice her back and act like it never happened...but all three are a choice.

 

But a choice you are going to need to make, and soon. Because if you don't make a choice, she is going to make one for you.

 

I'm in shock and I usually am not one to repeat myself. I'm going to have to think this one out and be vary tactical in my approach.

 

Honestly I appreciate the advice and understanding from everyone who has posted.

[CobraX]

Sorry to hear that.

I have been through a painful breakup before I met my current Gf. I'm not sure I have the strength to deal with another one.

Did you ever pass comment to her about their relationship? How did you find out if you don't mind me asking?

 

I had a bad feeling about him when they first started working together. During the Christmas season she was texting frequently with I thought a female coworker. When I checked her phone there were no texts to anyone during the time she was texting. I went to the cell phone records and found she was hitting this guy up all the time.

 

I told her I wasn't happy and she claimed he was just a friend and told me I was being jealous/controlling. I dropped it. Later she went to her office Christmas party and stayed out until 4am. I found out later that they all went to a hotel room together and that she had sex with this guy in the hotel bathroom while all of her coworkers were drinking in the room. Everybody knew... but she honestly believed that nobody knew what she was doing.

 

I could go on forever about this. Look, the bottom line is that I waited forever to get "proof". I spent 3 months being like a private detective... and that caused more emotional damage to me than the actual cheating.

 

Don't make my mistake. Don't wait for proof. Tell her that her behavior has been so shady that she has to prove to you that nothing is going on. If she can't or won't... call off the wedding. I'm telling you... don't play PI. The emotional toll that will take on you is too great. She caused the problem, make her be the one to fix it!

[crebel81]

I had a bad feeling about him when they first started working together. During the Christmas season she was texting frequently with I thought a female coworker. When I checked her phone there were no texts to anyone during the time she was texting. I went to the cell phone records and found she was hitting this guy up all the time.

 

I told her I wasn't happy and she claimed he was just a friend and told me I was being jealous/controlling. I dropped it. Later she went to her office Christmas party and stayed out until 4am. I found out later that they all went to a hotel room together and that she had sex with this guy in the hotel bathroom while all of her coworkers were drinking in the room. Everybody knew... but she honestly believed that nobody knew what she was doing.

 

I could go on forever about this. Look, the bottom line is that I waited forever to get "proof". I spent 3 months being like a private detective... and that caused more emotional damage to me than the actual cheating.

 

Don't make my mistake. Don't wait for proof. Tell her that her behavior has been so shady that she has to prove to you that nothing is going on. If she can't or won't... call off the wedding. I'm telling you... don't play PI. The emotional toll that will take on you is too great. She caused the problem, make her be the one to fix it!

 

I felt the exact same way. I don't want to be a PI either.

 

Waited all evening so she would leave her phone unattended. She went to the toilet and yes I had a look. I know she uses a messaging app which she usually speaks to him with. Not one message there. Didn't have time to check any other apps.

 

Folks, I have a kid with her. It's not as easy as just getting up and leaving. I am going to confront her tonight. I know my mind will go blank so hoping I can get everything out.

[Poutrew]

Well, if you are going to have this conversation without any proof, be sure you don't accuse her of anything. Bring up your concerns as 'talking points'. Tell her how these things are making you feel... uncomfortable. Then when you have her attention, go over each one slowly and calmly... and wait for her to address each one as you tell it - don't gush, or get overly emotional. Listen to her. You can ask her how would she react if the situation were reversed. How would she feel if you stayed out with a bunch of horny females for a party, and afterwards you went with them to a hotel room..? Then wait to hear her reply. You will be able to tell if she is BSing you, or not. Never tell her you went into her phone... If you really want to hear the unvarnished truth, go right now and buy a small digital recorder and hide it in the house before you confront her. Hide it near the phone. If there are two phones, get two of them and plant one near each phone. After the talk, which if she is guilty, she will spend all her time blowing smoke up your butt to placate you, let her think she has succeeded. Then tell her you are going to go out for a bit to cool off - you will go to the store and get something, whatever excuse you can come up with. Then leave. If she is upset, this is the time she will call up the OM and explain to him how they have to cool it down for a bit, until she can put you back to sleep... The digital recorder is so important, if you can't get one today and set it up, you should seriously consider putting the confrontation off until tomorrow... just be prepared to hear the truth when you listen to those recordings. And, good luck. We're here if you need us...

[CobraX]

Well, if you are going to have this conversation without any proof, be sure you don't accuse her of anything. Bring up your concerns as 'talking points'. Tell her how these things are making you feel... uncomfortable. Then when you have her attention, go over each one slowly and calmly... and wait for her to address each one as you tell it - don't gush, or get overly emotional. Listen to her. You can ask her how would she react if the situation were reversed. How would she feel if you stayed out with a bunch of horny females for a party, and afterwards you went with them to a hotel room..? Then wait to hear her reply. You will be able to tell if she is BSing you, or not. Never tell her you went into her phone... If you really want to hear the unvarnished truth, go right now and buy a small digital recorder and hide it in the house before you confront her. Hide it near the phone. If there are two phones, get two of them and plant one near each phone. After the talk, which if she is guilty, she will spend all her time blowing smoke up your butt to placate you, let her think she has succeeded. Then tell her you are going to go out for a bit to cool off - you will go to the store and get something, whatever excuse you can come up with. Then leave. If she is upset, this is the time she will call up the OM and explain to him how they have to cool it down for a bit, until she can put you back to sleep... The digital recorder is so important, if you can't get one today and set it up, you should seriously consider putting the confrontation off until tomorrow... just be prepared to hear the truth when you listen to those recordings. And, good luck. We're here if you need us...

 

This lady seems careful. If she is deleting messages everyday just in case someone checks.... that is the type of person who will lie to the death and with great confidence. I really think this is the time to go nuclear and see what you've got. Just my opinion. I know it comes with big risks, but it's better than letting her lie and deny.... draw this thing out until the wedding.

[crebel81]

Well, if you are going to have this conversation without any proof, be sure you don't accuse her of anything. Bring up your concerns as 'talking points'. Tell her how these things are making you feel... uncomfortable. Then when you have her attention, go over each one slowly and calmly... and wait for her to address each one as you tell it - don't gush, or get overly emotional. Listen to her. You can ask her how would she react if the situation were reversed. How would she feel if you stayed out with a bunch of horny females for a party, and afterwards you went with them to a hotel room..? Then wait to hear her reply. You will be able to tell if she is BSing you, or not. Never tell her you went into her phone... If you really want to hear the unvarnished truth, go right now and buy a small digital recorder and hide it in the house before you confront her. Hide it near the phone. If there are two phones, get two of them and plant one near each phone. After the talk, which if she is guilty, she will spend all her time blowing smoke up your butt to placate you, let her think she has succeeded. Then tell her you are going to go out for a bit to cool off - you will go to the store and get something, whatever excuse you can come up with. Then leave. If she is upset, this is the time she will call up the OM and explain to him how they have to cool it down for a bit, until she can put you back to sleep... The digital recorder is so important, if you can't get one today and set it up, you should seriously consider putting the confrontation off until tomorrow... just be prepared to hear the truth when you listen to those recordings. And, good luck. We're here if you need us...

 

I am seriously considering doing this. Looking into it now.

 

UPDATE: I managed to look at her phone again and she has deleted all visited pages apps etc. I really want to confront her but have no proof as of yet.

[CobraX]

I am seriously considering doing this. Looking into it now.

UPDATE: I managed to look at her phone again and she has deleted all visited pages apps etc. I really want to confront her but have no proof as of yet.

 

She is covering her tracks. Does she have a work phone? Can you put a gps tracker in her car? If you buy a voice recorder where is she most likely to talk to him? You can hide it under the front seat of the car... if you think that is where they talk. Check her credit card statements too if possible. I found they were going to lunch together.

[crebel81]

She is covering her tracks. Does she have a work phone? Can you put a gps tracker in her car? If you buy a voice recorder where is she most likely to talk to him? You can hide it under the front seat of the car... if you think that is where they talk. Check her credit card statements too if possible. I found they were going to lunch together.

 

No work phone that I know of. I reckon in her car yes. I don't have access to any of her credit card statements.

[CobraX]

No work phone that I know of. I reckon in her car yes. I don't have access to any of her credit card statements.

 

Listen... I don't think you are going to get solid proof. Be prepared for that.

 

I caught them at a hotel together and she claimed they were "just talking". Your lady is likely the same... but even better because of her law enforcement background.

[crebel81]

Listen... I don't think you are going to get solid proof. Be prepared for that.

 

I caught them at a hotel together and she claimed they were "just talking". Your lady is likely the same... but even better because of her law enforcement background.

 

That must have really hurt man.

 

She is still ticking all the boxes. She started an argument last night over pretty much nothing. Then cuddled up to me in bed later?!

 

 

I know there has been consistent replies on here that something is up and i have taking notice. I'll stop with the questions but I do appreciate anymore advice on this if it helps

[umirano]

Can you please summarize again what indications you have that your fiance is cheating? So far no solid proof has materialized?

[BluesPower]

umirano, just read the thread. It is all right there in B&W.

 

Are you trying to understand your situation?

[crebel81]

Can you please summarize again what indications you have that your fiance is cheating? So far no solid proof has materialized?

Him confiding in her about his marriage and just really personal issues.

Deleting text messages. 2 phone numbers for him. Constantly talking about him. Xmas party trip where she failed to mention that they were driving together on a 3 hour trip back and forth. All work colleagues going back to hotel room for drinks at 3am. Him wanting to take me out for a drink to tell me how lucky I am. I never said there was solid proof. But none of it sits right with me. Would it sit right with you?

[road]

Him confiding in her about his marriage and just really personal issues.

Deleting text messages. 2 phone numbers for him. Constantly talking about him. Xmas party trip where she failed to mention that they were driving together on a 3 hour trip back and forth. All work colleagues going back to hotel room for drinks at 3am. Him wanting to take me out for a drink to tell me how lucky I am. I never said there was solid proof. But none of it sits right with me. Would it sit right with you?

 

She is having sex with this POS OM.

[road]

I have never heard of a wife taking a 3 hour road trip to stay overnight for a employee Christmas party.

[crebel81]

I have never heard of a wife taking a 3 hour road trip to stay overnight for a employee Christmas party.

 

They do this every year. I guess because they work in law enforcement they don't want to bump into any locals in our city

[lolablue17]

They do this every year. I guess because they work in law enforcement they don't want to bump into any locals in our city

 

Christmas in a family holiday, and when a company arranges a Christmas party, spouses are invited. You don't tear an employees from their spouses on Christmas, valentine day and passover.

[crebel81]

Christmas in a family holiday, and when a company arranges a Christmas party, spouses are invited. You don't tear an employees from their spouses on Christmas, valentine day and passover.

 

Word up! This is the way they have always done it. The sexual innuendo that goes on between all of them is not normal and definitely something I have never seen in any job I have been in and certainly my friends do not speak in such a tone.

[crebel81]

Finally got a chance to bring up the while thing.

 

I remained calm, didn't accuse her of anything. Told her hoe uncomfortable and sneaky the whole thing is. Apparently it's because I would look at her phone and think something sneaky was going on when it's not. This guy apparently tells her he is mad about her but it's his way of showing fondness? She went completely defensive, said she is angry. On some level I feel stupid and think it's all in my head and I am insecure. On another level, she went defensive and didn't really reassure. She just said he is mad and he annoys her a lot.

[BluesPower]

So I have a bridge I would like to sell you for only 100$.

 

 

Sorry bud, you blew it. Please do not get married.

[crebel81]

So I have a bridge I would like to sell you for only 100$.

 

 

Sorry bud, you blew it. Please do not get married.

 

Most likely but my mind isn't thinking straight. I know logically I should recovered the messages etc but when the mind is mad, it does crazy things.

[lolablue17]

I don't understand. Did you ask her if all their texts are innocent? "Would I be OK if i've read them?" (To lead her to say "yes, all innocent", and then "can you show me some?" to get into the deleting issue)

 

How come she texts so much with a person who annoys her? I was almost the only one here that thought that there's a good chance that she's innocent, but now I'm not so sure.

 

When a woman notices that her fiance feels bad about something, the first thing she must focus is, How can she make you feel better, because you're the one she loves. But she focused only about herself. What the "He annoys me" got to do with the subject?

 

"Forgetting" to tell you stuff because she thought you'll be upset with the truth, deleted texts, that's no way to start an honest pure marriage. That is the issue. It's about the principle, not about him (annoying or not, who gives a F***?

Edited December 23, 2016 by lolablue17

[crebel81]

I don't understand. Did you ask her if all their texts are innocent? "Would I be OK if i've read them?" (To lead her to say "yes, all innocent", and then "can you show me some?" to get into the deleting issue)

 

How come she texts so much with a person who annoys her? I was almost the only one here that thought that there's a good chance that she's innocent, but now I'm not so sure.

 

When a woman notices that her fiance feels bad about something, the first thing she must focus is, How can she make you feel better, because you're the one she loves. But she focused only about herself. What the "He annoys me" got to do with the subject?

 

"Forgetting" to tell you stuff because she thought you'll be upset with the truth, deleted texts, that's no way to start an honest pure marriage. That is the issue. It's about the principle, not about him (annoying or not, who gives a F***?

 

Firstly I will not be getting married until I am assured that nothing is or went on. If I don't get that reassurance, it's not going to happen.

 

Yes I asked her why she was getting defensive and she said I am accusing her of sleeping with somebody else. I never insinuated that. I told her how uncomfortable it all is and that her behaviour is out if character. Apparently it was to protect me, not her words but it's what she intended to say. Bull!!

 

She also mentioned if I ever seen the guy and that she has no interest in him. I know guys, I'm not stupid. If course she is going to say these things.

 

Good question...why does she text with somebody who annoys her so much. Because she "likes" him!!

Edited December 23, 2016 by crebel81

[Marc878]

A cheater always has the advantage upfront because you want to believe them.

 

Why? Because you never thought this would happen and don't want to believe the unbelievable.

 

Most are in denial upfront but your gut feelings are in most cases right.

 

"We're just friends" is the biggest lie told and being attractive or not doesn't matter much.

[crebel81]

I don't understand. Did you ask her if all their texts are innocent? "Would I be OK if i've read them?" (To lead her to say "yes, all innocent", and then "can you show me some?" to get into the deleting issue)

 

How come she texts so much with a person who annoys her? I was almost the only one here that thought that there's a good chance that she's innocent, but now I'm not so sure

 

I wasn't exactly clear in my posts about the deletion of texts. This happened about 4 weeks ago before the Xmas party. I noticed this and for some reason took note of all my concerns on a notepad on my phone. She found it on my phone. Why? She had a look because 6 months ago it came to light that I had been texting my ex at the very beginning of our relationship. So she also has mistrust in me.

 

Obviously I cut her out of my life along time ago but I think she will use this against me in any form of conversation about this whole thing and see it as a justification on her part to do whatever she likes.