Gut instinct about her male colleague

[crebel81]

Hey folks.

 

Firstly, thanks in advance to anyone who decides to read my story.

Where to start. Well, I am engaged to a lovely woman for the past 2 years and we have been in a relationships for 3.5 years. We both came into the relationship with kids…her having a 9 year old daughter and me a 5 year old daughter. We tried to take it slow at the beginning but I guess we just fell in love pretty quickly. We got engaged after 2 years and have recently had newborn baby. All good and very happy!

 

Things were going well but I guess throughout the time, I was a bit anxious about one of her male work colleagues. She works in a male dominated environment and works a lot of shifts.

 

Anyway, this guy who is married and about 8 years her senior seemed to be trying to impress her all the time. I never seen this in person but she would tell me about the time he said this and the time he did that. About 6 months into our relationship she told me that he wanted to take me out for a drink to tell me how lucky I am to have her. The thing is he was serious. I can list a number of things which made me uncomfortable but the most concerning thing to me was that my gf had no issue with it. She didn’t see it as him overstepping any boundaries.

 

I came across pics of them on my laptop which she had saved from her phone. Nothing major to worry but again I just had an uncomfortable feeling about all this. She had backed up all the pics from her phone to my laptop and there were a few selfies of both of them whilst at work. No biggie, but its always just the both of them. She went on a work night out and again a few months after when she backed up her photos, more selfies. I might be going off the beaten track here with the selfie thing but its something she never does with me or her female friends. During all this time she would talk about him and I believe that anyone looking in on the relationship would think that she is really into this guy.

 

Her colleague was going through a stressful time with work and he confided in her about his marriage etc and any problems they were having. Subsequently she found a number for a therapist that he could go see.

I made my concerns known about the possibility that this guy was into her and she told me that no, they are just friends. I left it go and never really thought about it until recently, over 2 years later.

 

The guy was out of work for a while due to an injury and still is out of work. She started bringing him up a lot again recently. My curiosity got the better of me and for the first time I had a look through her phone. I could see two different numbers stored in her phone for the guy above…There was only one message received from each number (from what I recall) even though I know they text regularly enough. She obviously deleted all the texts. I checked her other contacts (wrong I know) and no messages were deleted from them. Made me very suspicious I must say. By the way, I don’t have an issue with her having male friends, she has loads of them and talks with them daily.

 

Fast forward a couple of weeks and they have a xmas night out in a different part of the country. She told me she was driving up herself as she wanted to leave early the next morning and didn’t want to be waiting on her colleagues following a night of drink. So she came home the next day and after I came home from work, she said she wanted to get intimate later that night. Pre planning never happens from her side. Ok I must say this made me very excited and I liked that she was initiating, something she doesn’t do often. Anyway, through conversation it came out that after their night at the bar/club they all went back to one of her male colleague’s hotel bedroom to have more drink, as the bar was closed. Apparently all her colleagues were there, who are all married. Mostly guys but one or two females too. Ok, I trusted her and didn’t think anymore of it. UNTIL…She tells me that she had collected her work colleague, the guy I have been on about all along, and they drove up to the city where the xmas night out was being held. It’s a 3 hour drive. She also dropped him home the next day. For me, I became suspicious straight away. Maybe I am wrong, but would red flags not start waving here for anybody?

 

My gut is screaming at me, telling me that they got up to something or that something may develop at a future date.

 

Ok, so I guess what I am looking for advice on or to hear peoples take on is, is my gut instinct right or am I just being paranoid?

[harrybrown]

would she be fine with you spending time alone with your femaie worker?

 

Have you talked to her about it and the deleted text messages?

 

Maybe wait on the talk. Is she on your phone plan?

 

get the deleted texts.

 

Then show her the deleted texts. and ask her to get tested for stds.

 

Start using protection with her. But do not let her know of your concerns.

she will then hide it better.

 

 

 

 

Ask for help in getting the deleted texts from your computer friends.

 

 

Maybe post in the infidelity section.

Edited December 21, 2016 by harrybrown
edit

[lolablue17]

The only real red flag is the deleted messages. It proves that there was\is something inappropriate in them. But it can be only things that he wrote and she was afraid that you'll be upset. It doesn't prove that she's cheating or even thinking about it. If she deleted the messages it means that she assumes you go through her phone...

 

You can take her for a serious conversation about him. She will probably tell you that they are just friends. Ask her can she assure you that in this friendship there wasn't even once anything inappropriate, and if there was, you want to know. If she keeps telling you that everything is innocent, you can ask her about their texts, and if she still insists that there is nothing wrong, tell her that you're openly can show her all your texts to everybody, can she do the same thing with hers?...

 

Lead the conversation to where you can ask her if she can swear that there is nothing wrong with the texts...

 

Well, if she insist that everything is innocent - Then you know she's lying, because the fact that she deleted everything proves that there was at least one inappropriate message.

 

Suppose you know she's lying, what are you going to do about it?

[crebel81]

Thanks for the responses so far.

 

I had never gone through her phone before, so she would have no real reason to assume I would look at them.

 

A lot of the things I mentioned, when looked at in isolation could be construed as innocent but maybe I'm overthinking it. She has a lot of male friends and I trust her and them. But when it comes to this guy I just have one suspicion after the other.

 

She has been out on a lot of social events in the past month including nights out with girlfriends. There wasn't one picture taken of any of these events, only one with her and this guy. Maybe I just need to let it slide.

[smackie9]

Even if there are no messages, you see it with her behavior with this guy. They are having a emotional affair. It starts out as coworker bonding, until she starts to over step small boundaries that are not quite detectable.

 

Why would you let this slide? It's obvious she is favoring him. It's will only be a matter of time when they get too close to pull back.

[Space Ritual]

Hey folks.

 

Firstly, thanks in advance to anyone who decides to read my story.

Where to start. Well, I am engaged to a lovely woman for the past 2 years and we have been in a relationships for 3.5 years. We both came into the relationship with kids…her having a 9 year old daughter and me a 5 year old daughter. We tried to take it slow at the beginning but I guess we just fell in love pretty quickly. We got engaged after 2 years and have recently had newborn baby. All good and very happy!

 

Things were going well but I guess throughout the time, I was a bit anxious about one of her male work colleagues. She works in a male dominated environment and works a lot of shifts.

 

Anyway, this guy who is married and about 8 years her senior seemed to be trying to impress her all the time. I never seen this in person but she would tell me about the time he said this and the time he did that. About 6 months into our relationship she told me that he wanted to take me out for a drink to tell me how lucky I am to have her. The thing is he was serious. I can list a number of things which made me uncomfortable but the most concerning thing to me was that my gf had no issue with it. She didn’t see it as him overstepping any boundaries.

 

I came across pics of them on my laptop which she had saved from her phone. Nothing major to worry but again I just had an uncomfortable feeling about all this. She had backed up all the pics from her phone to my laptop and there were a few selfies of both of them whilst at work. No biggie, but its always just the both of them. She went on a work night out and again a few months after when she backed up her photos, more selfies. I might be going off the beaten track here with the selfie thing but its something she never does with me or her female friends. During all this time she would talk about him and I believe that anyone looking in on the relationship would think that she is really into this guy.

 

Her colleague was going through a stressful time with work and he confided in her about his marriage etc and any problems they were having. Subsequently she found a number for a therapist that he could go see.

I made my concerns known about the possibility that this guy was into her and she told me that no, they are just friends. I left it go and never really thought about it until recently, over 2 years later.

 

The guy was out of work for a while due to an injury and still is out of work. She started bringing him up a lot again recently. My curiosity got the better of me and for the first time I had a look through her phone. I could see two different numbers stored in her phone for the guy above…There was only one message received from each number (from what I recall) even though I know they text regularly enough. She obviously deleted all the texts. I checked her other contacts (wrong I know) and no messages were deleted from them. Made me very suspicious I must say. By the way, I don’t have an issue with her having male friends, she has loads of them and talks with them daily.

 

Fast forward a couple of weeks and they have a xmas night out in a different part of the country. She told me she was driving up herself as she wanted to leave early the next morning and didn’t want to be waiting on her colleagues following a night of drink. So she came home the next day and after I came home from work, she said she wanted to get intimate later that night. Pre planning never happens from her side. Ok I must say this made me very excited and I liked that she was initiating, something she doesn’t do often. Anyway, through conversation it came out that after their night at the bar/club they all went back to one of her male colleague’s hotel bedroom to have more drink, as the bar was closed. Apparently all her colleagues were there, who are all married. Mostly guys but one or two females too. Ok, I trusted her and didn’t think anymore of it. UNTIL…She tells me that she had collected her work colleague, the guy I have been on about all along, and they drove up to the city where the xmas night out was being held. It’s a 3 hour drive. She also dropped him home the next day. For me, I became suspicious straight away. Maybe I am wrong, but would red flags not start waving here for anybody?

 

My gut is screaming at me, telling me that they got up to something or that something may develop at a future date.

 

Ok, so I guess what I am looking for advice on or to hear peoples take on is, is my gut instinct right or am I just being paranoid?

 

As a guy hat has some experience with a fiance and friends, and why the two don't mix, allow me to address your concerns

 

Let's review., shall we?

 

1.No you are not being paranoid.

 

2.No you were not wrong for snooping through her phone. You were invading her secrecy, not her privacy.

 

3 Assume that if he was confiding in her about his marriage that she reciprocated. Most people know would be very uncomfortable with their spouse talking about them "out of school" with a coworker of the opposite gender whom said spouse already had negative feelings about.

 

4. The selfies and constant talking about this guy. Find a therapist for him?Has she been overly negative recently about him? Sometimes that is a deflection tactic to throw you off the scent.

 

However, number Five and 6 are probably the most telling....

 

The whole thing about her being fine with this guy taking you out for a drink to tell you "how lucky you are?"

 

This one deserves it's own paragraph

 

Is she out of her mind? Is this guy?

 

No neither are, that is unnecessarily cruel on the part of your fiance and this guy. They are indeed rubbing your nose in this little drama they have created for you. No guy and I mean no guy would ever even suggest such a stupid thing unless he had designs on your fiance and wanted to "size you up" in order to see how likely it would be for him to "steal her away from you".

 

Which brings me to number 6...

 

The phone numbers, the deleted messages, and the little get together at the hotel that she neglected to tell you the facts about until afterward.

 

 

I don;t think I am going out on a limb in saying that at the very east she is having an emotional affair with this guy, which in many cases can be just as devastating if not moreso than a physical affair. Add to that they work together in a male dominated field where she is subjected to the attentions of men on a constant basis would be contributing factor.

 

Sounds like a Civil Service field of some sort, perhaps Police, Fire, or EMT field? The close proximity of people in those jobs over long shifts is also a contributing factor if indeed this is one of her professions.

 

Young man,

 

I don't profess to be the brightest bulb on the light string but it does not take a very bright bulb to flash on and off that there is indeed something untoward going on.

 

It has been going on for a long time.

 

I suggest since you have child together you see a barrister and know your rights as far as child custody and child support. Forewarned is forearmed.

 

And I would put the brakes on the wedding.

 

What can you do now?

 

Sit back, watch her actions. If you confront her now she will gaslight you and tell you that you are crazy and take her affair underground. She sure as hell is not going to throw her hands up and say "You got me"!

 

Never give up your sources. But you have far more than enough circumstantial evidence to end your engagement.

 

Having a child together means you will be tied in some way or another to her for the better part of the next 2 decades, but that does not mean you have to suffer her dalliances.

 

Voice activated recorder would work nicely in her car under her seat as she probably does a lot of taking on the phone to him in her car or even has him in it at some points. Text recovery system like Dr. Phone, or even just look at the phone bill online. It is kind of heard to cover up that evidence on the amount of contact she would have with those two phone numbers.

 

Maybe a DNA test on your child too....cover every base on this one, dude.

 

So chew on that for a while and think abut what I said. Your fiance has gotten you into a big mess. Do not make any financial decisions with her right now that would further tie you to her.

 

And delay the wedding as long as you can so you can build up the confidence to dump her. I would have already been gone, but you have kids with her, so it is more difficult. But still....I think you will soon be ex fiance's if this plays out like I am pretty sure it will.

 

I'm very sorry this is happening but you must act and act quickly and be prepared to walk away form the relationship without hesitation if there is any chance of saving it.

 

Good Luck

[umirano]

In my experience gut instincts are right more often than not. Don't confront her before you have solid proof.

 

There are ways to get a complete backup of a phone, called image. These images can be used to find even deleted messages. It takes a bit of technical expertise but it's doable. Otherwise there are businesses that offer this as a service.

 

Don't try to "interview" her. That's even harder than analyzing a phone and it takes professionals years to master the skill. It will only alert her, and if she's actually hiding something she'll simply double her efforts.

 

But in any case, most of the partners are not worth all this effort. If you feel she is being sketchy and dishonest the best course of action might just be to ditch her.

[crebel81]

Even if there are no messages, you see it with her behavior with this guy. They are having a emotional affair. It starts out as coworker bonding, until she starts to over step small boundaries that are not quite detectable.

 

Why would you let this slide? It's obvious she is favoring him. It's will only be a matter of time when they get too close to pull back.

 

As I said, my gut is really strong on this one and I feel deep down that I'm not being unreasonable. She said they are only friends and she doesn't fancy any of her male colleagues. I wasn't even suggesting for a minute that she fancied them.

 

The thing about driving 3 hours back and forth to a Christmas party with this guy is concerning. She said she didn't tell me because she knows he bothers me. If she had have told me I would have been OK with it but the fact that she didn't makes her more untrustworthy.

 

I want to let it slide but can't. I guess she is making me feel that I'm being unreasonable and without actually saying it, a bit controlling.

[lolablue17]

The thing about driving 3 hours back and forth to a Christmas party with this guy is concerning. She said she didn't tell me because she knows he bothers me. If she had have told me I would have been OK with it but the fact that she didn't makes her more untrustworthy.

 

How did I miss that?!

 

Well, she lied to you. Her excuse is lame because it only raises more suspicious. After admitting lying to you, there's nothing you can do to be considered as 'controlling'. She created this by her lies. It gives you the right to ask her directly: "Do you delete messages between the two of you?"

 

If she says yes, she has a lot to explain. If she says no, you know she's lying.

[crebel81]

Thanks to everybody for your input so far.

 

My first impression of this guy when I first met him wasn't good. We were at a social event and i stepped outside for 5 minutes to smoke a cigarette. I noticed some guy crossing the street staring at me and he turned around and went back into the bar. Strange I thought but left it go. When we all sat down later in the night i.e. with her work colleagues and husbands/wives, this guy was there. I was introduced to him and low and behold it was the same guy I have been talking about through this thread. He said he spotted me earlier having a cigarette and knew who I was from my gfs facebook profile pic. Later on in the night he was really drunk and proceeded to tell me how lucky I was to have my Gf.

 

When we discussed him recently, my Gf told me that his behaviour that night wasn't strange and that she noticed one of her gfs boyfriend before from their profile pic on facebook. Made me feel like an idiot!!

 

It's good to know that my claims are valid as I really did think it was my insecurity rather than my gut

[Karma24]

Why aren't you married?

[crebel81]

Why aren't you married?

 

The wedding is booked for autumn next year.

 

Saving for a wedding is what delayed us getting married but the problem discussed above has resurfaced again and I am seriously doubting the whole thing

[Karma24]

The wedding is booked for autumn next year.

 

Saving for a wedding is what delayed us getting married but the problem discussed above has resurfaced again and I am seriously doubting the whole thing

 

I think that's what it really boils down to, yes?

 

I'm surprised that she is not pushing to get married, especially considering you have a baby together. Most women want nothing more than to marry a man that they're way into.

 

To answer your question...yes, I do think something may develop between them. Or if not him, someone like him.

[crebel81]

I think that's what it really boils down to, yes?

 

I'm surprised that she is not pushing to get married, especially considering you have a baby together. Most women want nothing more than to marry a man that they're way into.

 

To answer your question...yes, I do think something may develop between them. Or if not him, someone like him.

 

She is the one pushing for the wedding. I proposed yes but she did drop hints, plenty of them before I dropped on one knee.

 

She is organising the wedding mostly and tells me regularly that she can't wait for me to be her husband etc but more recently, I can't shake off the feeling that her actions don't match up to her words!!

[lolablue17]

She is the one pushing for the wedding. I proposed yes but she did drop hints, plenty of them before I dropped on one knee.

 

She is organising the wedding mostly and tells me regularly that she can't wait for me to be her husband etc but more recently, I can't shake off the feeling that her actions don't match up to her words!!

 

You must talk to her about EVERYTHING! This is no way to get into marriage. You feel that something wrong, everybody here say that you're not insane, you got your validation, now fix this, man.

 

This talk is good not only to clarify this matter. It will also be your way to test her, how does she react when the situation is not so comfortable. Is she sensitive to your needs, Is she getting too defensive, Is she willing to compromise you, is she showing love and affection and ready to make effort for you to be happy? You can learn a lot about a person's qualities while discussing this matter.

[BluesPower]

Yeah...She is cheating...

 

Defiantly an emotional affair, with out a doubt.

 

The night of the out of town Xmas party she sleep with him. Probably had unprotected sex so she wants to have sex with you when she got home just in case she is pregnant.

 

Or, she felt guilty for screwing him and she wanted to reconnect.

 

The texts were deleted from her phone because they were inappropriate.

 

Want to know for sure, get the recovery software for her phone and recover the texts.

 

You need to think about dumping her. Chances are they have been screwing for a while.

 

Who want to bet this is how it turns out?

[CommittedToThis]

I can't shake off the feeling that her actions don't match up to her words!!

 

Take it from an old man: trust your instincts, your intuition, your gut, whatever you want to call it.

 

I've been burned before and these days, if my instincts tell me something's not adding up, I walk, no questions asked. No snooping, nothing. Just walk.

 

Bummer you're having to go thru this but better now than after you've tied the knot.

 

I hope this turns out to be a misunderstanding but don't be duped, either.

 

All the best.

[Space Ritual]

She is the one pushing for the wedding. I proposed yes but she did drop hints, plenty of them before I dropped on one knee.

 

She is organising the wedding mostly and tells me regularly that she can't wait for me to be her husband etc but more recently, I can't shake off the feeling that her actions don't match up to her words!!

 

You get married you will regret it..

 

I am telling you RIGHT NOW that it is not this guy that is the problem, for it could be ANY guy.

 

The guy is not engaged to you, she however is.

 

The problem is your fiance.

 

With your replies about her pushing the wedding it is even more imperative that you get your ducks in a row.

 

Engagement, like a Long Term Relationship is an application and entrance exam for a life together...and I mean life.

 

She is failing this exam. Think very carefully if you want to find out in Five or 10 years that there has been more than one guy or she has been banging him the entire time.

 

Dude, No guy expends that amount of energy being familiar with an engaged woman unless he s getting something out of it. In light of your replies and follow ups I would bet the farm they are having a long term physical affair.

 

You better get your kid DNA tested. I wouldn't trust this woman as far as I can throw her.

 

DO

NOT

GET

MARRIED!!!!!

[Space Ritual]

You must talk to her about EVERYTHING! This is no way to get into marriage. You feel that something wrong, everybody here say that you're not insane, you got your validation, now fix this, man.

 

This talk is good not only to clarify this matter. It will also be your way to test her, how does she react when the situation is not so comfortable. Is she sensitive to your needs, Is she getting too defensive, Is she willing to compromise you, is she showing love and affection and ready to make effort for you to be happy? You can learn a lot about a person's qualities while discussing this matter.

 

Lola,

 

Talking to her about it in a spirit of "clearing up the matter" or "compromise" will only make crebel81 look totally weak to and playing the "Pick Me Dance". It will make Macho Man co worker even more attractive to her. Chicks don't like whiny, and while in some cases it may be helpful I would say that the conversation you suggest OP has with her would be seen by her as nothing short of whiny. Asking her to cease contact with this guy or anything else of the sort will be laughed at by her. In cases like this, you just don't "ask".

 

She must be presented with consequences, which OP must be willing to enforce. No fence sitting on this one. If anything near that conversation is to take place, OP should give her about 10 seconds to make her choice, ether him or Macho Man and if she hesitates in any way, he has his answer and can act accordingly.

There should be no negotiation on this issue, because getting married to her at this point without certain verifiable guarantees on her part is a one way ticket to divorce in fairly short order.

 

It is only giving her an excuse to gaslight him and take it underground. And she will continue to blow smoke up his ass as long as he allows her to.

 

One thing about cheaters that they have in common...they are Liars. every single one of them. A conversation about this other guy at this point is futile.

 

OP has a couple of choices, and doing nothing about it is one of them hopefully he won't consider.

[lolablue17]

Lola,

 

Talking to her about it in a spirit of "clearing up the matter" or "compromise" will only make crebel81 look totally weak to and playing the "Pick Me Dance". It will make Macho Man co worker even more attractive to her. Chicks don't like whiny, and while in some cases it may be helpful I would say that the conversation you suggest OP has with her would be seen by her as nothing short of whiny. Asking her to cease contact with this guy or anything else of the sort will be laughed at by her. In cases like this, you just don't "ask".

 

She must be presented with consequences, which OP must be willing to enforce. No fence sitting on this one. If anything near that conversation is to take place, OP should give her about 10 seconds to make her choice, ether him or Macho Man and if she hesitates in any way, he has his answer and can act accordingly.

There should be no negotiation on this issue, because getting married to her at this point without certain verifiable guarantees on her part is a one way ticket to divorce in fairly short order.

 

It is only giving her an excuse to gaslight him and take it underground. And she will continue to blow smoke up his ass as long as he allows her to.

 

One thing about cheaters that they have in common...they are Liars. every single one of them. A conversation about this other guy at this point is futile.

 

OP has a couple of choices, and doing nothing about it is one of them hopefully he won't consider.

 

I have no argue with you about the bottom line, but he may want to do it with style and calm atmosphere. Your suggestion is a bit extreme and may damage the relationship in case it lasts.

 

Believe me, his determination and toughness can be there anyway, even if it's only expressed by subtext. Explicit ultimatum might kill everything. He should be determine and stick to his agenda, but also to listen and to be calm. That is how I would have handled it.

[Rosco]

Something is up for sure.. great pointers on here for sure:

 

Don't bring it up again without concrete evidence, if she is lying she won't stop, she'll just get better

 

Get the messages , install spyware if you can, again concrete evidence

 

Do not approach him in anyway shape or form, nothing good will come from it

 

I'm sorry for you, but I'm in the same boat now. Be patient, get what you need, talk to a lawyer if need be. Unfortunetly your gut is never wrong, and the deletion of texts confirms your suspicion

[Alamo657]

 

she would tell me about the time he said this and the time he did that. About 6 months into our relationship she told me that he wanted to take me out for a drink to tell me how lucky I am to have her.

 

I came across pics of them on my laptop which she had saved from her phone. there were a few selfies of both of them whilst at work. its always just the both of them. the selfie thing but its something she never does with me or her female friends. During all this time she would talk about him and I believe that anyone looking in on the relationship would think that she is really into this guy.

 

he confided in her about his marriage etc and any problems they were having. Subsequently she found a number for a therapist that he could go see.

I made my concerns known about the possibility that this guy was into her and she told me that no, they are just friends.

 

She started bringing him up a lot again recently.

 

There was only one message received from each number (from what I recall) even though I know they text regularly enough. She obviously deleted all the texts. I checked her other contacts (wrong I know) and no messages were deleted from them.

 

Anyway, through conversation it came out that after their night at the bar/club they all went back to one of her male colleague’s hotel bedroom to have more drink, as the bar was closed. She tells me that she had collected her work colleague, the guy I have been on about all along, and they drove up to the city where the xmas night out was being held. It’s a 3 hour drive. She also dropped him home the next day.

 

My gut is screaming at me

 

- constantly mentioning another man. check

- guy thinks you're "the luckiest man alive". check

- being the guy's marriage confident. check

- deleting messages with said man. check

- alone with the man on at least one occasion for a long stretch of time, where alcoohol and late at night stuff is happening. check

 

I don't know your woman, but she is either :

 

1) a very altruistic person who is offering this man care and support in his times of of need

2) a dissimulative person who is hiding an affair, which is at least emotionnal, from you

 

The tricky part for you is, you have no strong evidence to prove your gut instinct.

 

The way you formulate your story, your wife is definitely hiding "something" from you, but it could be your growing mistrust which is making you paint a situation bleaker than it really is.

 

Questions :

1) does she regularly have "alone" time and doesn't get home ?

2) is she receiving text messages during the night ?

3) is she showing you that she loves you on a regular basis ?

 

Don't confront her unless you have solid evidence, she will immediately go in defensive mode and gaslight you, which will mechanically bring her closer to "the guy", and farther from you.

[Rosco]

 

There are ways to get a complete backup of a phone, called image. These images can be used to find even deleted messages. It takes a bit of technical expertise but it's doable. Otherwise there are businesses that offer this as a service.

 

 

Is this really doable ? I researched this and couldn't find any info without jail breaking a phone. Can you forward me some Intel please

[Space Ritual]

Is this really doable ? I researched this and couldn't find any info without jail breaking a phone. Can you forward me some Intel please

 

There is a data retrievival program called Dr, Phone that is supposed to be very effective for retriveing deleted texts and the like.

 

I have never had a reason to use it but people on this and other forums that have used it say that it is very very good.

[Space Ritual]

I have no argue with you about the bottom line, but he may want to do it with style and calm atmosphere. Your suggestion is a bit extreme and may damage the relationship in case it lasts.

 

Believe me, his determination and toughness can be there anyway, even if it's only expressed by subtext. Explicit ultimatum might kill everything. He should be determine and stick to his agenda, but also to listen and to be calm. That is how I would have handled it.

 

Extreme, yes it is. But like a cancer, I prefer to cut it out as soon as it is diagnosed rather than risk it metastasized. Just remember that in situations like this OP would be at a decided disadvantage, for he is not sure exactly what he knows...she, on the other hand, knows all and would probably only admit to what she thought he knew. Cheaters usually will only admit to what they think can initially minimize the damage to them that they themselves caused.

 

That's why "We never had sex" quickly turns into "We only had sex 3 times" to "Well we have been having sex for a few years".

 

Trickle Truth like OP would probably be getting if he just simply inquired

 

As I have stated to you before, you are much more tolerant than I am.

 

I just had such a bad experience with infidelity that I would never hesitate to toss anyone out on their arse regardless of how I felt about them. I could love them with all my heart, but now if faced with a fraction of the circumstantial evidence OP has discovered were floated in front of me that person would be gone from my life without a second thought.

 

I ignored all the signs that were staring me in the face and paid dearly for it, much to my chagrin.

 

What happened to me truly colors the Lion's share of my advice I dispense when people are faced with infidelity. Many people bristle at me being so absolutist on this and other forums, but I feel a soft response leaves the victim even more exposed to heartache and worse if they don't draw a line in the sand.

 

I just refuse to allow somebody to try to gaslight me anymore. I learned the hard way that I needed to be prepared to walk away at the first sign of trouble. Had I done that years ago my life would be very different than it is today.