Gut instinct about her male colleague

[umirano]

But none of it sits right with me. Would it sit right with you?

 

No. The thread has progressed and idk what happened in the meantime. I just wanted to stress that accusing her of physically cheating will not get you anything if you don't have proof.

 

What I'd do is sit her down, read her this list and tell her that she's going to make it go away and stay away. Every item. If you ever have to put something back on that list you will go away instead.

[umirano]

This guy apparently tells her he is mad about her but it's his way of showing fondness? She went completely defensive, said she is angry. On some level I feel stupid and think it's all in my head and I am insecure. On another level, she went defensive and didn't really reassure. She just said he is mad and he annoys her a lot.

 

This sounds like BS. The fact that she got angry is pretty much the give away that she's out of line. The standard strategy is to turn it around on you. No surprises there.

 

What are we left with? As of now you've both started to not trust each other and you ended up infighting, tricking, word playing and spying on each other.

 

You will have to agree on whether and how to fix it as this is obviously no basis for a loving, stable long-term relationship.

 

It's her job to reassure you WRT to that list and therefore this guy will have to be out of her life. That's what committed people do. They keep a healthy distance to others.

 

If she can't commit to that you have to leave as anything else would be telling her she can have her way with you and she'll leave you as soon as she's secured a soft landing with someone else.

[kgcolonel]

Wow....there is a lot of static in this relationship...mistrust, deleted texts, lying by omission, misleading communication. It goes on and on....is this really the foundation you want to build your future on?

 

If nothing else, maybe it's time for either a polygraph or a PI....maybe the PI would be the better choice but the defensiveness is a dead giveaway. In a loving relationship once the concerns are communicated, the appropriate response would be, "how can i make you feel more secure / better about us?" should have happened, not getting defensive.....

[lolablue17]

Yes I asked her why she was getting defensive and she said I am accusing her of sleeping with somebody else. I never insinuated that.

 

A HUGE red flag! These words are said by people who feel guilty.

 

She also mentioned if I ever seen the guy and that she has no interest in him. ...why does she text with somebody who annoys her so much. Because she "likes" him!!

 

You mentioned that she also had a look through your phone. GREAT! Now it's out there, and you can tell her directly "Why did you delete all your messages with him?" I think you have to stick only to this. You have no proof of real cheating, but you have a proof that she deleted everything, because you looked at her phone! After you ask this, you are no longer leading the issue. Now she is the one who must supply a reasonable explanation to the selective deleting texts (She didn't delete other people texts, you looked, you saw!).

 

Any explanation she might give you is attached to a relationship crisis. There is no way to explain this, and continue like nothing happened. He reactions are very suspicious and not for her favor. I can't imagine of any good explanation for the deletion.

[Space Ritual]

Finally got a chance to bring up the while thing.

 

I remained calm, didn't accuse her of anything. Told her hoe uncomfortable and sneaky the whole thing is. Apparently it's because I would look at her phone and think something sneaky was going on when it's not. This guy apparently tells her he is mad about her but it's his way of showing fondness? She went completely defensive, said she is angry. On some level I feel stupid and think it's all in my head and I am insecure. On another level, she went defensive and didn't really reassure. She just said he is mad and he annoys her a lot.

 

 

 

Sorry I had to return to just let you know that you were just gaslit.

 

This defensive posture she took would not be understandable in the normal world. But in the world many of us have had the displeasure of inhabiting at one point or another it makes perfect sense.

 

It makes sense because you have just discovered everything you need to know.

 

If she was not doing anything questionable she would be bending over backwards to attempt to prove to you that it is a great idea to go through with a wedding.

 

Instead she is trying to convince you that you are crazy and paranoid.

 

Any more investigation is pointless at this juncture. She is in a full blown affair and she just let the cat out of the bag by what she did NOT say or do when presented with the perfect opportunity to prove you wrong and it went right over your head.

 

I'm very sorry that you are making this harder for yourself than it has to be.

[Space Ritual]

umirano, just read the thread. It is all right there in B&W.

 

Are you trying to understand your situation?

 

It's like the soundtrack to Groundhog Day....

[umirano]

I don't see how discussing the deleted texts or even hiring a PI would change the situation in a meaningful way. The facts are in plain open sight for everyone.

 

The only interesting question is whether she wants to keep stonewalling him and thusly really forfeits the long-term relationship, or whether she truly wants to repair the relationship and give up on her personal little attention feeder.

[DKT3]

Yeah, you kinda blew that one. She will have only admit to what you can prove....Now your chance to prove it is just about gone. She knows you know.

 

You know at the very least she is emotionally invested in this guy, I'm pretty confident physically as well.

 

Here is the thing, you know this, and you aren't looking for evidence that she is, but that she isn't. All the evidence you know says she is.

 

Now she will take it underground, deep deep underground. She will keep her mouth shut about him were she would before talk about him.

 

We here understand what you are going through, most of us have been there. The things we are telling you will help if you listen.

 

You blew it, now you need to shut up about it and watch her actions close or hire a PI. Second option is to simply tell her whatever she has going you won't stand for it and will remove yourself from the situation.

 

Her anger is a manipulative tactical move to bully you. If she was innocent she would acknowledge how it looks and commit to ending any inappropriate dealings with him. She knows it's inappropriate because she is deleting things, omitting others and flat out lying about some.

 

Slow playing this will rip your heart out and cause more damage then her sleeping with him.....Which she is.

[DKT3]

I don't see how discussing the deleted texts or even hiring a PI would change the situation in a meaningful way. The facts are in plain open sight for everyone.

 

The only interesting question is whether she wants to keep stonewalling him and thusly really forfeits the long-term relationship, or whether she truly wants to repair the relationship and give up on her personal little attention feeder.

 

It will be meaningful because he is in denial.

 

She is proving that she will continue to engage this other guy knowing how uncomfortable OP is with her actions. I'm assuming because she believes she can took him. So far she is successful because he is second guessing himself, even when her actions clearly indicate there is far more going on.

[umirano]

Maybe. I'd be too lazy to hire a PI and wait for him to come back with information. In fact I'd be too proud to hire a PI. A woman who makes me hire a PI to understand what she's up to is a woman I want as far as possible from myself. This where I am long past trying to give her the benefit of doubt.

[DKT3]

Maybe. I'd be too lazy to hire a PI and wait for him to come back with information. In fact I'd be too proud to hire a PI. A woman who makes me hire a PI to understand what she's up to is a woman I want as far as possible from myself. This where I am long past trying to give her the benefit of doubt.

 

Me too. I actually filed for divorce without having any hard evidence or a smoking gun. Because like most BS I knew, like most WS she lied. I wasn't willing to play that game.

 

Op will play, his girlfriend will use that to her advantage.

[crebel81]

Feel like I'm letting the side down by what I done. Yeah her defensiveness was picked up on right away. She said she is angry because we went through this before and she reassured me.

 

What makes all this worse is I have to pretend over Xmas with family that all is good when its not.

Edited December 23, 2016 by crebel81

[Poutrew]

She is angry because you went through her phone, when she did the exact same thing to you? Damn, your cheating girlfriend has juevos, gotta say. And yes, she is cheating - she basically admitted it when she said you were accusing her of sleeping with him. She got defensive and blurted out the truth. But now she is trying to gaslight you - she says this guy annoys her, and she really doesn't like him, even though she texts him a bazillion times a day, and deletes the messages... When she eventually breaks down and admits she had sex with him (just once, mind you) his 'thing' will be small, ugly, misshapen, wart covered, and stinky. You know, I vaguely recall a story here similar to yours - the gal was in a hotel room with several men - and it turned out she was servicing all of them. Maybe you girlfriend is doing the entire room full of guys, not just the one? It's something to consider... at the very least, their affair must be common knowledge among everybody who works there, and not one of them has any sympathy for you...

 

At this point I don't think you need a PI or to even investigate any further(wanna bet she will outright refuse a polygraph?). I would leave. If you own the house it may be harder, but she can buy you out, or just sell the place. Too bad you have a kid with her...

[BluesPower]

Honestly man...

 

You just need to end this thing now. You are just turning in to a cuckold.

 

If that is what you want the keep it up.

 

You need to move out and file for custody yesterday, or you can just keep being a cuck.

[lolablue17]

She said she is angry because we went through this before and she reassured me.

 

What makes all this worse is I have to pretend over Xmas with family that all is good when its not.

 

First you, then her, both of you must land to earth and realise that you're in the middle of a big crisis that might jeopardize your upcoming wedding. It may eventually end your relationship.

 

Things like "She's angry", "She prefers not to open it again", are nothing... Just tiny silly things, and I assure you that none of you wants this relationship to end because of minor things like comfort or anger. She must realise that the house is burning.

 

This is your job to make her realise that. Without threats, without dramatic announcements, just telling her that this "thing" might go away if you both will treat it seriously and solve it, or it may rock everything.

[umirano]

What makes all this worse is I have to pretend over Xmas with family that all is good when its not.

 

Do you? Man, she's wiping the floor with your dignity. No, she makes you wipe the floor with your own dignity.

[Space Ritual]

What makes all this worse is I have to pretend over Xmas with family that all is good when its not.

 

NO

YOU

DON'T!

 

Blow this out the water ToEffingDay!

 

Please act and act with decisiveness. You have a perfect opportunity to drop a Nuclear Bomb on her Fantasyland.

 

Nothing and I mean NOTHING will get your dignity back and give her pause than to be the proverbial Turd in her Christmas Punchbowl.

 

It will show her the gravity of her choices.

 

Tell her she is free to keep seeing the other cop, just not as your fiance,an then start packing her stuff for her and put it in a giant Xmas stocking, also known as a Garbage Bag, on the porch and tell her to go be with him for the holiday.

 

I told you once and I'll tell you once again..You MUST be willing to walk away from this relationship in order to salvage it. She must see that you are serious. What a better time than to show her than Christmas.

 

Go total Dickens on her and give her a taste of Christmas future. An that means show her that she is making a choice that is going to leave her lonely and her dreams of a fairytale wedding in tatters.

 

The child will be fine. Tell your family what the hell is up. Not exposing this is your worst enemy. Affairs thrive in the dark and when exposed to light they dissipate, just like cockroaches

 

Believe me, if you force the issue and tell her to go be with Macho Man for Christmas and do an about face and go silent on her, he will throw her under the bus so fast her head will spin

[crebel81]

NO

YOU

DON'T!

 

Blow this out the water ToEffingDay!

 

Please act and act with decisiveness. You have a perfect opportunity to drop a Nuclear Bomb on her Fantasyland.

 

Nothing and I mean NOTHING will get your dignity back and give her pause than to be the proverbial Turd in her Christmas Punchbowl.

 

It will show her the gravity of her choices.

 

Tell her she is free to keep seeing the other cop, just not as your fiance,an then start packing her stuff for her and put it in a giant Xmas stocking, also known as a Garbage Bag, on the porch and tell her to go be with him for the holiday.

 

I told you once and I'll tell you once again..You MUST be willing to walk away from this relationship in order to salvage it. She must see that you are serious. What a better time than to show her than Christmas.

 

Go total Dickens on her and give her a taste of Christmas future. An that means show her that she is making a choice that is going to leave her lonely and her dreams of a fairytale wedding in tatters.

 

The child will be fine. Tell your family what the hell is up. Not exposing this is your worst enemy. Affairs thrive in the dark and when exposed to light they dissipate, just like cockroaches

 

Believe me, if you force the issue and tell her to go be with Macho Man for Christmas and do an about face and go silent on her, he will throw her under the bus so fast her head will spin

 

Thanks for the pointers. So far so good. I haven't opened my mouth to her. Ironically, for somebody who has nothing to hide, she hasn't come near me once to tell me I'm being crazy or that there is nothing going on.

[CobraX]

Feel like I'm letting the side down by what I done. Yeah her defensiveness was picked up on right away. She said she is angry because we went through this before and she reassured me.

What makes all this worse is I have to pretend over Xmas with family that all is good when its not.

 

You are suffering from chronic "nice guy" syndrome. She thinks you are a pussy and will take whatever she dishes out.

 

Thanks for the pointers. So far so good. I haven't opened my mouth to her. Ironically, for somebody who has nothing to hide, she hasn't come near me once to tell me I'm being crazy or that there is nothing going on.

 

Yeah of course she has done the math and thinks you are going to shut up and take this. She is convinced you don't have the testicles to stand up to her. That's why she is defensive and not conciliatory. An innocent quality woman would be working to make you feel secure.

 

I will also add that like you said before she is mentally justified by your texting of the XGF. That seems to be playing with your mind as well. You should put that aside. Get angry and use that anger to be strong. If you can't get proof then have her cut contact with this guy 100% and demand access to all of her phone records and emails as proof!!

[Formerfiveo]

As a female who also served "in the line of duty", I'm not convinced she's having an affair...yet.

 

How did they meet? I know at work, but are they on the same squad? Was he her FTO? (field training officer) Is he a supervisor? What's his rank? What is hers?

 

Friendships forged on the police force are different, and unless you have worked as an LEO, you don't and won't understand. It takes a VERY strong relationship to survive if one or both are officers.

 

The bond formed among "brothers and sisters" in blue is stronger than most marriages. These are the people that (potentially) you are entrusting your life with. You go through sh*t and see sh*t that no one else sees and can understand.

 

I was the only female on a squad of 9 male officers, and they were like the brothers I never had. We were tighter than most siblings. And yet, I was never treated like anything other than one of the guys because I never shared my personal life (other than in general terms) with them, and they never shared their personal lives with me. If they were unhappily married, I never heard about it.

 

The fact that she is letting this guy use her as his confidante is giving him the wrong message and even if she has no romantic interest in him, he obviously is dependent on her. And she's feeding it. This, to me, was the biggest red flag out of everything you wrote.

 

She sounds very immature and her behavior is not only disrespectful to you by not taking your concerns seriously, but it's also unprofessional.

[BluesPower]

Former 50...

 

I have always liked your insight. I work around and with huge departments.

 

Maybe you never saw any of this, but infidelity is rampant like it is in the military.

 

This guys GF is def sleeping with this guy. He blew the confrontation and he just has no clue what he is doing. Sorry OP but this is the truth.

 

Have you heard from Jeff BTW, PM me if you have any kind of update.

[Formerfiveo]

Former 50...

 

I have always liked your insight. I work around and with huge departments.

 

Maybe you never saw any of this, but infidelity is rampant like it is in the military.

 

This guys GF is def sleeping with this guy. He blew the confrontation and he just has no clue what he is doing. Sorry OP but this is the truth.

 

Have you heard from Jeff BTW, PM me if you have any kind of update.

 

Oh, I know it is. Working that closely together in such stressful conditions that no one else can understand unless they are in the same field, forges an emotional bond that is the basis for infidelity. It's our protective nature that wants to "protect" our spouse or significant other from all the bad stuff we see on a daily basis, so we turn to our co-workers to vent.

 

There are so many books out there on being a spouse of a police officer and how to protect your marriage. I've had several co-workers leave the force to save their marriages. Kudos to them!

 

Yeah, it does like she is having an affair, but I am a bit naive and have a Pollyanna personality. I turned a blind eye to a lot of that crap on the force because I didn't want to be a part of it...and because I was so focused on my job. I worked too hard to earn the respect of my co-workers so I kept my mouth shut and put blinders on.

 

Re: Jeff - no I haven't heard anything, sadly. I didn't have PM's enabled back then, but now that I do, maybe I'll PM him.

 

As an aside, I love your posts, Blues. I may not necessarily agree with your conclusions, but I appreciate how you cut the bs and tell it like it is...and admit when you're off base.

[crebel81]

Former 50...

 

I have always liked your insight. I work around and with huge departments.

 

Maybe you never saw any of this, but infidelity is rampant like it is in the military.

 

This guys GF is def sleeping with this guy. He blew the confrontation and he just has no clue what he is doing. Sorry OP but this is the truth.

 

Have you heard from Jeff BTW, PM me if you have any kind of update.

 

Thanks for the constructive criticism.

 

She cried today when we discussed it again. Said she is in Despair because I am wrong and out of line. Can somebody really put tears on if they are cheating? That's a naive question. Im sure they can.

 

She said she feels nothing for him, he is like one of her brothers and if she was single she wouldn't touch him with a bargepole!

 

Blue I know you will say she is definitely cheating. But is there any possibility that I got this whole thing wrong?

[Marc878]

Cheaters lie a lot. Don't be so naive. Tears are for her getting caught and you knowing.

 

"We're just friends" is the biggest lie told.

 

Better getaway from this now rather than later

[BluesPower]

Buddy, I wish I was wrong and maybe I am. Let me give you another impression of her tears. She knows the jig is up soon and she won't be able to screw him and also have the comfort of your blind naïve love.

 

She is gas lighting you. Maybe it is not this guy even it could be another one but I really don't think so.

 

I could go over the red flags again but it would not matter. The conclusion is still the same though. Besides, her reaction to your bungled confrontation is so classic for what cheaters do that it really tells the tale by itself.

 

See when you don't have the goods on a cheater, they get angry and defensive and tell you that you are crazy. It makes you back off and they think they are in the clear.

 

And they were using the what's up app to chat because it does not show up on the phone bill like regular texts do. They probably did it for him so that his wife could not see that on the phone bill rather than for her because you do not get to see her phone bill.

 

Now your only chance is to use the DR Fone recovery software and hope that some hard evidence is in that recovery.

 

I am sorry, I realize how hard this stuff is because I have been there.