Gut instinct about her male colleague

[Try]

Because of the way he speaks, she said his messages would be misconstrued because of the language he uses and it's all innocent. So she deletes them to protect me because she knows how I feel about him.

OMG, she actually admitted that she is deliberately deleting the texts with this other man (OM) because she wants to hide them from you, and that this OM's texts with her uses "language" that could be "misconstrued". This after telling you a similar excuse for why she did not tell you that she was going on the overnight trip with this same OM. And she thinks that you should be OK with her relationship with this other man because?

[Space Ritual]

OMG, she actually admitted that she is deliberately deleting the texts with this other man (OM) because she wants to hide them from you, and that this OM's texts with her uses "language" that could be "misconstrued". This after telling you a similar excuse for why she did not tell you that she was going on the overnight trip with this same OM. And she thinks that you should be OK with her relationship with this other man because?

 

We are on page 11 now of mass incredulity to this conundrum.

 

(I take that back partially, because not everyone is incredulous, some are under the impression for unknown reasons that more investigation and clarification of her motives is needed, when Stevie Wonder would be able to differ with that opinion with relative ease.)

 

Your guess is as good as mine, Try:)

[Poutrew]

You know, OP, if you really want those deleted texts, you can make her request transcripts of them from her cell carrier. Due to terrorism laws, all cell providers are required to keep permanent records of cell traffic. You, as a customer, can request those transcripts going back to a particular time, like 6 months. So, they are all there, in all their awfulness. Of course, she can refuse to give them to you, or refuse to carry out the request, but then that will be an answer. The next thing would be the sound of her plump rump hitting the stump (sidewalk), waiting for the other man to pick her up so she can live in his garage under his wife's nose. Also, I would request ALL traffic, not just from his number. I am getting the feeling that your GF is in reality a 'pleasure girl'. I bet she is servicing ALL those men that were in that hotel room that night...

Edited December 25, 2016 by Poutrew

[DKT3]

We are on page 11 now of mass incredulity to this conundrum.

 

(I take that back partially, because not everyone is incredulous, some are under the impression for unknown reasons that more investigation and clarification of her motives is needed, when Stevie Wonder would be able to differ with that opinion with relative ease.)

 

Your guess is as good as mine, Try:)

 

Only because he is in denial, he won't accept the evidence that he has so really he is looking for proof that she did nothing. Not going to find it. It's also the reason he doesn't laugh at her completely ludicrous statements and explainations of the events and state of the relationship with this other guy.

 

Like I said most of us have been there. Most of us wishes we had of handled the situation and our WW firmer with swifter actions. OP can choose not to play the game and firmly state he will absolutely not deal with her being involved with this other guy, and since her actions have shown she is unwilling to stop he has no other choice but to remove himself and allow her to pursue her our path.

 

It's not a game, but she is turning it into one, and as long as she can manipulate him she will drag him along for the ride.

[road]

We are on page 11 now of mass incredulity to this conundrum.

 

(I take that back partially, because not everyone is incredulous, some are under the impression for unknown reasons that more investigation and clarification of her motives is needed, when Stevie Wonder would be able to differ with that opinion with relative ease.)

 

Your guess is as good as mine, Try:)

 

Steve and Ray Charles would say they have seen enough evidence, find her guilty, sentence her to hard time in cheaterland.

[road]

Only because he is in denial, he won't accept the evidence that he has so really he is looking for proof that she did nothing. Not going to find it. It's also the reason he doesn't laugh at her completely ludicrous statements and explainations of the events and state of the relationship with this other guy.

 

Like I said most of us have been there. Most of us wishes we had of handled the situation and our WW firmer with swifter actions. OP can choose not to play the game and firmly state he will absolutely not deal with her being involved with this other guy, and since her actions have shown she is unwilling to stop he has no other choice but to remove himself and allow her to pursue her our path.

 

It's not a game, but she is turning it into one, and as long as she can manipulate him she will drag him along for the ride.

 

 

Yes, he is living in Egypt, the land of denial.

 

 

He is trying to ignore his gut. We all know that the gut is never wrong. Those here that try to sell the OP on that his WW is not cheating on him is only doing the OP a disservice thus allowing her to continue to abuse him.

 

 

As a BH he was happy in the relationship. He does not want his world to end. This is why he is in denial.

[Formerfiveo]

Good grief, people. Back the eff off of the OP. It's like a freakin' pile on. Give him some room to breathe, and process, and make the best decision for HIM.

 

It's not like all of us are here because WE have perfect relationships!

[road]

Good grief,

 

Yes exactly that.

 

 

You have not dealt with affairs for decades, or read thousands of threads and countless posts. Or you would know that all affairs are not special or unique. That we have seen countless BH's come here with the same set of facts describing what their WW is doing. Doing everything every what every WW before her has done.

[smackie9]

IMO I feel the OP could at least discuss boundaries with his GF...like no contact with exes, no late night texting or selfies or one on one with certain people, etc. Making it clear but fair expectations for both before that step to marriage. This definitely needs to be sorted out.

 

OP I suggest you both take couples/ pre marriage counseling before tying the knot.

[Formerfiveo]

Yes exactly that.

 

 

You have not dealt with affairs for decades, or read thousands of threads and countless posts. Or you would know that all affairs are not special or unique. That we have seen countless BH's come here with the same set of facts describing what their WW is doing. Doing everything every what every WW before her has done.

 

 

JFC. Don't assume, because you don't know sh*t.

[kgcolonel]

Good grief, people. Back the eff off of the OP. It's like a freakin' pile on. Give him some room to breathe, and process, and make the best decision for HIM.

 

It's not like all of us are here because WE have perfect relationships!

 

5 O, definitely agree here....it is his life and his decisions....we have all had our input and thoughts but at the end of the day, it is his life. For all we REALLY KNOW, FACTUALLY, we know nothing other than what it appears. She may indeed be telling the truth and simply making bad decisions in the way she handled the various things. This is also a lot of projection happening, (not criticizing it just observing it).

 

OP, we're here if and when you need us but do actually very much want to hear how things progress.

 

KG

[HereNorThere]

You know, OP, if you really want those deleted texts, you can make her request transcripts of them from her cell carrier. Due to terrorism laws, all cell providers are required to keep permanent records of cell traffic. You, as a customer, can request those transcripts going back to a particular time, like 6 months. So, they are all there, in all their awfulness. Of course, she can refuse to give them to you, or refuse to carry out the request, but then that will be an answer. The next thing would be the sound of her plump rump hitting the stump (sidewalk), waiting for the other man to pick her up so she can live in his garage under his wife's nose. Also, I would request ALL traffic, not just from his number. I am getting the feeling that your GF is in reality a 'pleasure girl'. I bet she is servicing ALL those men that were in that hotel room that night...

 

So many things wrong with this post. No offense, it's just inaccurate. Data retention laws vary from country to country and there none in the United States right now. The onus is on the carrier to decide what information they store and for how long. Then we get into the issue of SMS text messaging, which they actually can store as opposed to iMessage or Hangouts which they can't. I'm more familiar with iMessage, which uses end to end encryption. That means only device itself can decrypt the traffic so you can't log the data or read it in transit.

 

Your only hope with these type of messages is to restore them from unallocated space (deleted items marked to be overwritten when that space is needed) or extracting them from some sort of backup. iOS 10 automatically turns on iCloud, so there's a possibility the messages will be in one of those backups. The same can be said for local iTunes backups if they sync with their computer.

 

Most iPhone users are unaware they are backing up to iCloud. This is how that massive celebrity nude photos hack a while ago. The hackers found an exploit that allowed them to brute force iCloud password hash. Then they used a program to extract the pictures from those backups. Messages would be in those same backups.

[crebel81]

Good grief, people. Back the eff off of the OP. It's like a freakin' pile on. Give him some room to breathe, and process, and make the best decision for HIM.

 

It's not like all of us are here because WE have perfect relationships!

 

Seriously folks I do take all your comments on board and I am not suggesting that you have to keep posting until it is drilled into my head.

 

I am very aware of how wrong their relationship is. No buts, ifs or maybe's!!

 

It's Christmas day and genuinely it's not a day to be making any big decisions.

[Space Ritual]

JFC. Don't assume, because you don't know sh*t.

 

 

 

Actually,

 

Unlike myself....Road is a respected veteran of this forum and others. Like myself, however, his opinions are based on many years of experience and dealing with this nightmare called infidelity

 

That is probably where he and I part ways...lol

 

People can criticize me all they want, and often do but out of the many people who have come here over the years, I and many others hold Road in the highest regard, for his mostly sensible and real world solutions .

 

I don't always agree with Road or many the others, Quite frequently most people here don't agree with me at all and opine quite liberally that I may be insane because I am a total absolutist about infidelity. It is very hard for people to wrap their heads around what I explain about myself and my experience which I have done many times, which I won't go into again.

 

You being a former LEO I would be very interested if you think this is nothing more than a harmless misunderstanding between the OP and his fiance, and if so, your reasons why.

 

I am always open to hearing others experience, especially if they differ from mine.

[umirano]

I'm not strictly a former LEO, all though I have worked for law enforcement in a forensic capacity, in the field too. That said, I challenge the notion that a particular field of work justifies disloyal or disrespectful behavior in the way crebel81 described it.

 

Let's look at a different field of work. Performing arts. I've seen people struggle with supposed and actual infidelity when the wayward partner was part of a group of artists and other professionals, musicians, dancers, technicians, managers, directors. To outsiders this field of work can be quite threatening. The clothing and physical and emotional environment can be quite a bit more personal and intimate than what the average office or blue collar worker is used to. Should artists and the like be getting away with shady behavior like crebel81 described? Because, well, they're just more touchy folks? I'd respectfully disagree.

 

Artists, LEOs, nurses or air hostesses are as likely, as willing, and most importantly, as capable of cheating as anyone else. That's what matters. If they're in a challenging field of work in that regard that only means they have to compensate for that on their own. It can't be the other partner's task to mitigate these circumstances. Regardless what your job is, as a partner it's your calling to respect your significant other.

 

crebel81 has expressed what he's uncomfortable with and he's made his GF aware of it. She is unwilling to do anything about it. I really think that's pretty much all that there's to know about it. Apparently it takes some time to sink in, but in the long run, I don't really see any other option than to put your foot down, crebel81, and make her choose.

[usa1ah]

Guys and gals...thanks you for all the advice and thoughts.

 

My head is absolutely wrecked from all this. Some are saying it might not be affair, some are saying it isn't and I guess I need to take a step back to make my own decision on how I proceed.

 

I asked her just now why she is angry and she said its because I don't trust her even though she has left the thing with my ex go I.e. she discovered 6 months ago that I was texting my ex for the first few months of our relationship and she has accepted it and moved on. She cried uncontrollably.

 

She said I am ruining Xmas because she thought we dealt with this 3 weeks ago.

 

So for now folks, Merry Christmas and genuinely thanks for all your input.

 

But you ended contact with your ex.

 

She has not ended contact with her co-worker.

[crebel81]

But you ended contact with your ex.

 

She has not ended contact with her co-worker.

 

Exactly!

 

She apologised today and said she was wrong for lying. We then just got on with the day with extended family.

 

No this isn't the end of it. I'll wait and see to see what steps she takes to address this. Time will tell.

[lolablue17]

Exactly!

 

She apologised today and said she was wrong for lying. We then just got on with the day with extended family.

 

No this isn't the end of it. I'll wait and see to see what steps she takes to address this. Time will tell.

 

It is great that you can be patient. You're in a middle of a negotiation. At first she was angry how dare you to mention it at all... Then she tried to swipe it under the carpet as if it's nothing, and blaming you for spoiling christmas.

 

When she understood that you're not afraid and not impressed by her show (tears and drama), she actually put something on the table - an apology and admitting that she was wrong.

 

But yet, she gave very little. I guess that she is a good negotiator. She will always give a little more each time. Apology and admitting is a good first step, but words cannot gain a broken trust, only actions + the whole truth. Further more, she must offer some major changes from now on.

 

If you can remain patient and and calmly remain Stubborn and determined, not moving from your initial position, you will not only get the changes you wish, but also she will be impressed and appreciate you more for the long run.

[Space Ritual]

Exactly!

 

She apologised today and said she was wrong for lying. We then just got on with the day with extended family.

 

No this isn't the end of it. I'll wait and see to see what steps she takes to address this. Time will tell.

 

Frankly she has spoken a lot of words and none of them line up with her actions.

 

My fiance apologized to me shortly before my world blew up, but not for anything in particular. It was totally out of left field and I did not know what she was apologizing for at the time, so I chalked it up to an anxiety attack about the wedding.. She came to me crying a big river and told me how much she loved me and how happy I made her and how she could not wait for the wedding.

 

So like total fool I comforted her and thought aloud that maybe she was just getting cold feet and that everything was gonna be alright in 3 short weeks we were getting married and how I understood she might be second guessing herself that this was a lifelong commitment and all that jazz but I laid back and assured her I was in it with her for the long haul. I was so excited. I had known her most of my life.

We grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same schools from elementary all the way to High School and she was a couple of grades behind me but we had been in each others, lives in one form or another since we were kids. So I thought I knew her. Matter of fact I laughed it off when she was crying. I literally laughed it off.

 

Had I known the reason she was crying was because she was feeling a bit guilty for screwing my best friend who was going to be my best man in my bed while I was working 2 jobs I probably wouldn't have laughed it off and I probably would dug a bit deeper at the very least. But no I just believed her.

 

Then 3 days later I decided to come home for lunch and bring my fiance some food and surprise her.

 

So I just would like to point out that talk is very cheap and apologies don't mean jack shyte. Actions are the only thing that matters. I learned that a very hard way.

Again, I know it sounds like a broken record, but my advice from half a thread ago still stands, and will continue to.

 

Young man, you need to think and think real hard if all this drama is worth it. She must be incredibly good looking or you must not think you can get anything better. I am here to tell you one last time that you need to act and act quick. because in the immortal words of Angelo Dundee to Sugar Ray Leonard during his first fight with Tommy Hearns..."You're blowing it now, son! You're blowing it!"

Edited December 25, 2016 by Space Ritual

[CobraX]

Exactly!

She apologised today and said she was wrong for lying. We then just got on with the day with extended family.

No this isn't the end of it. I'll wait and see to see what steps she takes to address this. Time will tell.

 

Seriously, I think you are headed in the right direction. I think she is gaining respect for you. That is KEY.

[BluesPower]

We probably need to wait and see what happens with this.

 

These are the things that we think we know, like 99%, about his Fiancé.

 

She has been screwing this guy since the out of town trip for sure. But probably much earlier than that.

 

She has lied to him on multiple occasions.

 

She is gas lighting him to the max.

 

Everything she has done is just so classic, it is actually hard to believe that it all goes by the same script.

 

He will learn over time what is actually going on. He will be devastated.

 

We will be here for him when he is dying inside. The whole scenario is actually text book.

 

So I guess we will all see.

[Poutrew]

I'm afraid I have to agree with Space Ritual on this one. Just what is she apologizing for? You still don't know because you haven't looked at the texts they have been exchanging for the past 6 months, and she is never going to tell you. Is she going to change her behavior? She hasn't really said... So, after the holidays she is going to go back to work and tell her 'annoying friend' to do what? Not text her off duty? That if she goes to another hotel room with her work friends, she must bring along her boyfriend? That from now on she will be an open book and to always assume that the phone she is using is being looked at by her suspicious lover, so never say anything that could be considered questionable?

 

She hasn't given a single thing. Everything so far is about mollifying the boyfriend, until the relatives leave. That's fine, I guess. No sense to start the fight while celebrating the holiday, but I would view this day as the calm before the storm, and use it to decide just what I really want out of this relationship, and if this particular girl is able to provide it...

[road]

Frankly she has spoken a lot of words and none of them line up with her actions.

 

My fiance apologized to me shortly before my world blew up, but not for anything in particular. It was totally out of left field and I did not know what she was apologizing for at the time, so I chalked it up to an anxiety attack about the wedding.. She came to me crying a big river and told me how much she loved me and how happy I made her and how she could not wait for the wedding.

 

So like total fool I comforted her and thought aloud that maybe she was just getting cold feet and that everything was gonna be alright in 3 short weeks we were getting married and how I understood she might be second guessing herself that this was a lifelong commitment and all that jazz but I laid back and assured her I was in it with her for the long haul. I was so excited. I had known her most of my life.

We grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same schools from elementary all the way to High School and she was a couple of grades behind me but we had been in each others, lives in one form or another since we were kids. So I thought I knew her. Matter of fact I laughed it off when she was crying. I literally laughed it off.

 

Had I known the reason she was crying was because she was feeling a bit guilty for screwing my best friend who was going to be my best man in my bed while I was working 2 jobs I probably wouldn't have laughed it off and I probably would dug a bit deeper at the very least. But no I just believed her.

 

Then 3 days later I decided to come home for lunch and bring my fiance some food and surprise her.

 

So I just would like to point out that talk is very cheap and apologies don't mean jack shyte. Actions are the only thing that matters. I learned that a very hard way.

Again, I know it sounds like a broken record, but my advice from half a thread ago still stands, and will continue to.

 

Young man, you need to think and think real hard if all this drama is worth it. She must be incredibly good looking or you must not think you can get anything better. I am here to tell you one last time that you need to act and act quick. because in the immortal words of Angelo Dundee to Sugar Ray Leonard during his first fight with Tommy Hearns..."You're blowing it now, son! You're blowing it!"

 

 

 

So you went home with some food and then?

[McRex]

"Cheaters lie a lot."

"She is cheating on you."

"Don't be so naive."

"They have sex all the time."

"Woman that comes home to you is not your real gf, it's her clone and the real one is having sex with that guy right now!"

And much MORE BULL**** IN THIS THREAT!!!!!

 

ARE YOU REALLY GONA LISTEN TO UGLY TROLLS IN THIS THREAD!?!?

NOONE HERE HAVE EVER KNOWS YOU OR YOUR GF AND THE SITUATION YOU ARE NOW!

NON OF THEM WANT TO TAKE RESPONSOBILITY OF YOUR FUTURE, BUT THEY WILL POST **** AND FORCE YOU TO DO THINGS YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO DO!!!

YOU ALREADY HAVE A BEATIFUL WOMAN YOU WANT TO MARY, YOU HAVE KIDS!!!

 

SAFE YOU MIND AND YOUR FAMILY - Never do things you want regret, trust your woman and make her trust in you! Coz it is a family! And NEVER EVER take seriously forums like this!

 

I'm analyzed all of your posts and must say: You must feel like idiot right now, coz your woman DON'T HAVE AN AFFAIR AT ALL!! Your mind created this simulation coz you don't really trust her, and after all you did and spoke - SHE is no more trust in you!

You are ruining your life, her life and yours oww children's life WITH NO REASON!

STOP doing what you are doing!

 

And yes, I am a professional psychologist who accidentally fell into this subject is looking for material for his social studies. And I'm sorry for the mistakes in text- English is not my native language.

 

And now I appeal to all who have pushed this man with words that his girlfriend is 100% cheating on him - you have big problems with the psyche? coz you don't feel responsibility of your words, people like you can push others to suicide and then hide in the internet and then make in again and again! The door of my office is always open to such people.

Serge Monastyrskiy, Poland, professor of psychology for 45 years.

[BluesPower]

My brother, you are just so far off base. Yes you are entitled to your opinion, but those of us with experience about infidelity are entitled to ours.

 

His future wife is, and probably has been for a while, having an affair with this guy. Very little doubt about it. She is smart but she has made some critical mistakes.

 

Everything she has done, everything, is 100% out of the cheaters handbook.

 

I should know, I wrote some of it.

 

I would like to here your experience with infidelity.

 

So, let me tell you what will happen over the next weeks or months from now. He will accept is fiancé cheating until he has firm evidence.

 

At some point he will figure out how to recover her text messages and see everything that she has been doing. Or, she will make one last fatal mistake that leaves him no choice but to realize his suspicions were correct.

 

In either case he will be more devastated than he is right now. He will wonder why he was such a fool. I think they will break up but who knows.

 

Anyway, posts like yours, which you are complexly entitled to make, just make things worse for men and women in this situation. They already don't want to believe what their gut is telling them. So any sliver of hope allows them to cling to the belief that somehow what they "Know" is happening really is not.

 

So tell us about when your gf/wife was caught cheating on you?