For those in long term A

[Chica80]

How long did your A last?

 

Did the dynamics change in your relationship? Such as going from intense to more stable?

 

If it ended, why did it end what was the final push?

 

If it is still going on what is the end goal? Or are you happy to remain status quo?

[watch210]

Yes, when we first started it was extremely hot and heavy and very passionate. We knew each other for many years before it started in a professional capacity. It even involved some long distance for a time. I slowly pulled away because I knew there was no future and started dating other people. We have remained in close contact in a manner that many here would describe as an EA. We've also had some business dealings. The last time we were together was a year ago. Last saturday was D-day (I made a big thread about it).

[Lady2163]

Mine was seven years.

 

The sex was always intense and amazing.

 

The emotions.....there was affection and friendship and genuine care and concern, but for me, I don't think I felt romantic love for him.

 

I don't think he loved me, either. I think if it was real love, he would have left his wife for me. I never asked him to. I never expected him to.

 

It ended because I couldn't bear the thought of him losing everything he had spent his life working for. I really believe he was/is a good, loving father and I think he is compatible with his wife everywhere but the bedroom.

 

Infrequent communication. We are long distance. I post more on here when I miss him or want to be too needy and call him too much.

[Poppy47]

I was 8 years in an A.

 

I really loved him and still do. However, gradually the idea that he was just using me, ate away at me. The sex was wonderful and remained so for the entire 8 years. On that level, we were great.

 

I ended it because I no longer believed anything he said. He had never been unreliable to me in any way. It was the nagging feeling that he did all those lovely things because he wanted to keep his secret arrangement going for as long as possible.

 

Just as he lied and manipulated his wife to make time to see me.

 

It all came unstuck because I lost trust in him . He was a self professed champion at manipulating circumstances to get what he wanted.

 

In the beginning, I was so besotted with him, I didn't scrutinize everything the way I would now.

 

I also came to believe that he certainly had sociopathic tendencies.

 

I ended it abruptly, out of the blue and amazed myself.

 

Poppy

[Chica80]

Thank you all for your responses.

[BabyDont]

5 years, going strong.

Intensity has definitely gone up in the last year, he must've noticed two because he freaked out and tried to end in a couple months ago, for the first time, but he barely made it 24 hours.

[Chica80]

Almost two years.

 

Been feeling like things are changing. On the one hand they seem more settled like the normal ebs/flows in a relationship. On the other hand I've been feeling more frustrated. Tired of having the same discussions the same argument and reaching the same conclusion.

 

So I've been pulling away. Wanting to end things. Can't say I've totally ended it. But it feels like it's reaching the end.

 

I find myself starting to dislike him see him in a different light. Not sure if this is good or bad. I'm sure most would say good.

 

When I pull away when I feel free, its the pull back. It's subtle but that's how I see it (he always denies of course)

 

I wish for a dday. Not because I think he would be w me. It's because the lies the deceit is what I hate the most and wish this none of this was hidden a secret.

Thinking out loud....

Edited December 22, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[jennifernyc84]

Lasted 4 years. Did it become more stable? No I think that was the problem. I was waiting for it to become stable it never did. Intense? Hell yes! Too intense.

 

For me the breaking point was right at the beginning of the holiday season, I asked him where he saw us? What was the point in this A. He said all the expected things. "It's fun, I love you, blah blah blah". But then I asked him how long would I have to wait. He couldn't answer. I asked him to tell me point blank would we or won't we. I didn't like the way he tip toed around answering. So I got out.

 

Been trying NC for a month. I had a couple of weak moments but still trying. Can't let a few bumps in the road stop you from going forward.

[Babsinhealing]

We are going on 3 years... no plans of ending it despite him having 2 DD. The last DD was almost a year ago. We took a small break and I went NC but he broke it and we just pushed the A underground -and got more careful. The A works for us... we get our needs met that we can't get in our Ms. There is no drama, future faking but we do care for each other and I'm sure if our situations were different, we could be a very happy couple. We have been exclusive since the beginning and both feel we have everything we need/want in each other. I can see how you can get caught up and want to change the rules as the years pass, but we just do our best to keep our heads out of the clouds and enjoy the moments we get together. The intensity has changed but to be honest, it's a good change... more comfortable and relaxed. However, when we do get together the chemistry is always off the charts- it's never wavered and we still act like it's the first time.

[SeenNotHeard]

OMG Babs we are living a similar existence.

Edited December 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Chica80]

Babs I get this....It would be a very difficult situation to be in. To feel rejected over and over. Sex and affection isn't just a want its a need and a very big one. When suddenly you are getting that need met its hard to let go of.

 

Not asking as a judgement question. But there has been 2 DDAY. Why not be together? what is the reason for not being together fully?

Edited December 24, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[spideywoman]

How long did your A last?

 

Did the dynamics change in your relationship? Such as going from intense to more stable?

 

If it ended, why did it end what was the final push?

 

If it is still going on what is the end goal? Or are you happy to remain status quo?

 

Not sure if mine would be considered a long-term affair (just over a year, on an off) but figured I'd chime in.

 

The dynamics did change. It got both more intense and stable - oddly I think prompted by his trying to end it twice and coming back. So when he started to finagle his way back in the third time (which was around the 7-month mark I think) I said something like: "listen buster, your coming and going is pathetic and it makes me laugh. obviously you're not ready or equipped to end anything so just let it be and see what happens, where it takes us. let's stay true to what we talked about months ago. otherwise just leave me alone."

 

and after that he relaxed and was all in (well, as much as a married man can be.) there was no future-faking or empty promises (i'll leave my wife, i'll leave my husband type thing.) he never spoke ill of his wife, minimized her, complained about sex, etc. and neither did i. our understanding was always that once either he or i made a definitive decision about the future (either together or apart) that we would tell each other.

 

so the last few months were the most stable, the most intense and the most blissful. we were kind of living together. and it ended when he announced he would be getting on a plane to adopt children with his wife. the adoption process was something that preceded me and continued while we were in the affair. he was torn over it. he and his wife have been together for 19 years (married for half that time) and he wasn't sure whether to pursue a dream that once was but was no longer. (won't go into details here, not really relevant i don't think.) anyway. so that's how it ended.

 

that was five months ago. he and i work together and mercifully he has been on family leave since, working remotely. i haven't seen him and probably will in the new year when he's back.

 

very soon after he left he started with the smoke signals; he has called; he has written emails. for the most part i've ignored him, as much one can while still having to maintain a professional relationship.

 

these past few months have been agonizing. but something changed a few weeks ago. poof, just like that. over time the resentment built, the anger built. and while anger doesn't define my emotional state per se, it's there; i find him pathetic; he has been a coward and he's dug himself a whole so deep he'll never be able to dig himself out unless he makes some changes.

 

and while for a long time i was the one who felt was rejected, abandoned, the loser, so to speak, i have finally realized that i'm actually the victor in the life of spidey. i picked myself back up; i had already decided that i no longer wanted to be in my marriage and my husband moved out. our divorce was finalized about 10 days ago. i feel relief. i am happy. i am free. and i am reaping the rewards of my courage. i can't say the same about him. i was dreading seeing him again, the possibility of seeing / meeting the children, but now i'm like 'bring it on!'

 

so to answer your question, i was happy to remain status quo until a legitimate and genuine decision was made, if that makes sense. almost simultaneously, i made mine and he made his and they were in opposite directions so there you have it.

 

sorry to ramble! i guess i just needed to get this out

 

hope you're doing OK, sunshine.

Edited December 23, 2016 by spideywoman
for clarity

[Chica80]

Not sure if mine would be considered a long-term affair (just over a year, on an off) but figured I'd chime in.

 

The dynamics did change. It got both more intense and stable - oddly I think prompted by his trying to end it twice and coming back. So when he started to finagle his way back in the third time (which was around the 7-month mark I think) I said something like: "listen buster, your coming and going is pathetic and it makes me laugh. obviously you're not ready or equipped to end anything so just let it be and see what happens, where it takes us. let's stay true to what we talked about months ago. otherwise just leave me alone."

 

and after that he relaxed and was all in (well, as much as a married man can be.) there was no future-faking or empty promises (i'll leave my wife, i'll leave my husband type thing.) our understanding always was that once either he or i made a definitive decision about the future (either together or apart) that we would tell each other.

 

so the last few months were the most stable, the most intense and the most blissful. we were kind of living together. and it ended when he announced he would be getting on a plane to adopt children with his wife. the adoption process was something that preceded me and continued while we were in the affair. he was torn over it. he and his wife have been together for 19 years (married for half that time) and he wasn't sure whether to pursue a dream that once was but was no longer. (won't go into details here, not really relevant i don't think.) anyway. so that's how it ended.

 

that was five months ago. he and i work together and mercifully he has been on family leave since, working remotely. i haven't seen him and probably will in the new year when he's back.

 

very soon after he left he started with the smoke signals; he has called; he has written emails. for the most part i've ignored him, as much one can while still having to maintain a professional relationship.

 

these past few months have been agonizing. but something changed a few weeks ago. poof, just like that. over time the resentment built, the anger built. and while anger doesn't define my emotional state per se, it's there; i find him pathetic; he has been a coward and he's dug himself a whole so deep he'll never be able to dig himself out unless he makes some changes.

 

and while for a long time i was the one who felt was rejected, abandoned, the loser, so to speak, i have finally realized that i'm actually the victor in the life of spidey. i picked myself back up; i had already decided that i no longer wanted to be in my marriage and my husband moved out. our divorce was finalized about 10 days ago. i feel relief. i am happy. i am free. and i am reaping the rewards of my courage. i can't say the same about him. i was dreading seeing him again, the possibility of seeing / meeting the children, but now i'm like 'bring it on!'

 

so to answer your question, i was happy to remain status quo until a legitimate and genuine decision was made, if that makes sense. almost simultaneously, i made mine and he made his and they were in opposite directions so there you have it.

 

sorry to ramble! i guess i just needed to get this out

 

hope you're doing OK, sunshine.

 

No, thank you for rambling!

 

This is what I'm talking about. No future faking ever. It's the back and forth.

 

No one wants to make the decision and no one wants to stick to NC that is the truth. If we did we would. If the risk of him losing all he has to lose is not enough, then what is?

 

I know what you mean in the periods of NC....I go through all the emotions right. Anger/ Revenge thoughts, depression. Acceptance.....

And I think to myself...I will move on. I will get over this. But he will be in the same place. With no where to let go of the guilt, but to eat at him. And then I start to feel bad for him (is that kind of sad)

 

I read this article about people who stay in toxic relationships. You've been taught possibly when growing up. That you see everyone's pov. Understand and may even sympathize with "an abuser"

Not saying I'm a victim, not saying I'm abused. But just that I tend to look at all sides. Even maybe when I shouldn't

[BluesPower]

I really don't know how long. I don't know what the future holds.

 

But you know what, this woman loves me for me. It does not matter how many woman I have been with, she does not care.

 

She is totally, completely in love with me and frankly it just feels great in every way.

 

I think it is 4 or 5 years. She is single and as soon as I get my D finished, I am going to be with her at some level.

 

Do I love her, you know what, maybe??? At the very least I can make her happy that is the easy part. And I can finally feel what it is like to actually be loved.

[Chica80]

I really don't know how long. I don't know what the future holds.

 

But you know what, this woman loves me for me. It does not matter how many woman I have been with, she does not care.

 

She is totally, completely in love with me and frankly it just feels great in every way.

 

I think it is 4 or 5 years. She is single and as soon as I get my D finished, I am going to be with her at some level.

 

Do I love her, you know what, maybe??? At the very least I can make her happy that is the easy part. And I can finally feel what it is like to actually be loved.

 

 

Whoa, Blues why the change of heart? I think this is not a good idea. I think you are hurt by the ending of your marriage. Take it slow. You've said she loves you. She won't let go. You've hurt her a lot... be careful there....

[spideywoman]

No, thank you for rambling!

 

This is what I'm talking about. No future faking ever. It's the back and forth.

 

No one wants to make the decision and no one wants to stick to NC that is the truth. If we did we would. If the risk of him losing all he has to lose is not enough, then what is?

 

I know what you mean in the periods of NC....I go through all the emotions right. Anger/ Revenge thoughts, depression. Acceptance.....

And I think to myself...I will move on. I will get over this. But he will be in the same place. With no where to let go of the guilt, but to eat at him. And then I start to feel bad for him (is that kind of sad)

 

I read this article about people who stay in toxic relationships. You've been taught possibly when growing up. That you see everyone's pov. Understand and may even sympathize with "an abuser"

Not saying I'm a victim, not saying I'm abused. But just that I tend to look at all sides. Even maybe when I shouldn't

 

I don't think it's sad to feel bad for him. I feel the same about my guy. He's an otherwise good man who is so emotionally paralyzed that he can't see straight. (from an outsider's perspective, that is.) i'm sure thinks he's doing the right thing, the honorable thing, and to an extent he is. but i don't think it's genuine at the moment, it's at his expense. and my fear is that he will implode because he hasn't faced a lot of the stuff, emotional stuff, the affair brought up for him. he chose to sweep it under the rug.

 

I never once believed he was a cake-eater so oft talked about on these boards and still don't, not even now after the fog has lifted and the affair is over. i truly care for this person and love him still, very much. it's just that now i am able to remove myself from the situation and look at it from a different perspective - both about me and about him.

 

don't know the article to which you refer but it makes sense. perhaps because that's how i was raised or perhaps because it's my nature (i'm in a business where i must see all sides) so it's inherent for me. i understand exactly what you're saying - i'm not a victim, either, but i do see his point and his perspective. doesn't mean i'm excusing his behavior, it's simply saying that i see it. i don't agree with it, but i get it. probably shouldn't, but i do.

 

and when the time is right, you will get over it. i honestly never thought i would _ even up until a few weeks ago. my feelings were very intense, and still are. the r/s we had was intense. it was very loving. and i kept thinking for the love of God how will i ever get over this, how will i ever see him again, how will i stand seeing his children? i thought about changing jobs which basically would have meant moving to another country. i thought about taking a leave of absence myself when he returned. but like i said, poof, it changed. i am still the same, but i am at peace. and i know i can handle it. and i know you can, too.

[Chica80]

I don't think it's sad to feel bad for him. I feel the same about my guy. He's an otherwise good man who is so emotionally paralyzed that he can't see straight. (from an outsider's perspective, that is.) i'm sure thinks he's doing the right thing, the honorable thing, and to an extent he is. but i don't think it's genuine at the moment, it's at his expense. and my fear is that he will implode because he hasn't faced a lot of the stuff, emotional stuff, the affair brought up for him. he chose to sweep it under the rug.

 

I never once believed he was a cake-eater so oft talked about on these boards and still don't, not even now after the fog has lifted and the affair is over. i truly care for this person and love him still, very much. it's just that now i am able to remove myself from the situation and look at it from a different perspective - both about me and about him.

 

don't know the article to which you refer but it makes sense. perhaps because that's how i was raised or perhaps because it's my nature (i'm in a business where i must see all sides) so it's inherent for me. i understand exactly what you're saying - i'm not a victim, either, but i do see his point and his perspective. doesn't mean i'm excusing his behavior, it's simply saying that i see it. i don't agree with it, but i get it. probably shouldn't, but i do.

 

and when the time is right, you will get over it. i honestly never thought i would _ even up until a few weeks ago. my feelings were very intense, and still are. the r/s we had was intense. it was very loving. and i kept thinking for the love of God how will i ever get over this, how will i ever see him again, how will i stand seeing his children? i thought about changing jobs which basically would have meant moving to another country. i thought about taking a leave of absence myself when he returned. but like i said, poof, it changed. i am still the same, but i am at peace. and i know i can handle it. and i know you can, too.

 

 

Thank you. I totally agree. I just can't see him that way. I understand him and I understand why he makes his decisions. It's weird to say there's a part of me that's angry at him for doing this. Even though I'm helping, because it's not who he is. And I want to scream at him don't be so COWARDLY!!! Stop trying to be the nice guy because you can't make everyone happy.....that will never work.

[spideywoman]

Thank you. I totally agree. I just can't see him that way. I understand him and I understand why he makes his decisions. It's weird to say there's a part of me that's angry at him for doing this. Even though I'm helping, because it's not who he is. And I want to scream at him don't be so COWARDLY!!! Stop trying to be the nice guy because you can't make everyone happy.....that will never work.

 

Such an interesting conundrum, isn't it? We were / are enabling, and yet we'd like them to make different decisions / choices, etc. Not possible to make changes unless there's a reason - whether it's external (me / you / wives) or internal (self-induced.) i'm angry as well - both at myself and him.

 

but the minute i realized that i was part of the problem is when my mental metamorphosis kicked in. and by problem i don't mean being involved in an affair and all the other personal bashing that goes on here. i mean part of the problem as in not being part of the solution in terms of self-improvement, betterment of oneself, both myself and him. i don't know if this is making sense. i don't wish him ill, i don't need revenge, he's not a monster, he's a human being who at the moment can't get his act together and is suffering enough. as simple and as complex as that. i'm in a far better situation, and always was, because i'm extremely self-aware and look inward. i'm in tune. at the moment he's stuck and while he's where he wants to be, i have no doubt he's questioning his life decisions (one doesn't negate the other.)

 

perhaps it'll change, perhaps it won't. but the wonderful thing is it's not my circus anymore, i'm out of the equation and taking care of myself and that's my only priority.

 

and what you wrote ("Stop trying to be the nice guy because you can't make everyone happy.....that will never work.") so, so true. xMM the same. you can't make everyone happy. for him, it's a source of pride to put himself on the back burner and sacrifice so much of him. i can't compete with that, nor do i want to.

[somanymistakes]

So why haven't you left him? Shouldn't you both go try to find people more suitable for yourselves?

 

Lady2163..it does suck to be in a sexless relationship, but it's not her husbands fault that she's a cheater. She could have divorced him instead of cheating.

 

Some people are happy to stay in a sexless relationship because they're friends and partners and companions, and don't actually want to find anyone else and lose all that. Maybe this is what he thinks suitable for him. We don't know, we don't know him.

 

It's still cheating to have an affair on the side without telling him, of course, but on the scale of bad things it's a lot lower down. Some people ask and get permission for outside sex in situations like that and everyone is content with what they have.

[Chica80]

Such an interesting conundrum, isn't it? We were / are enabling, and yet we'd like them to make different decisions / choices, etc. Not possible to make changes unless there's a reason - whether it's external (me / you / wives) or internal (self-induced.) i'm angry as well - both at myself and him.

 

but the minute i realized that i was part of the problem is when my mental metamorphosis kicked in. and by problem i don't mean being involved in an affair and all the other personal bashing that goes on here. i mean part of the problem as in not being part of the solution in terms of self-improvement, betterment of oneself, both myself and him. i don't know if this is making sense. i don't wish him ill, i don't need revenge, he's not a monster, he's a human being who at the moment can't get his act together and is suffering enough. as simple and as complex as that. i'm in a far better situation, and always was, because i'm extremely self-aware and look inward. i'm in tune. at the moment he's stuck and while he's where he wants to be, i have no doubt he's questioning his life decisions (one doesn't negate the other.)

 

perhaps it'll change, perhaps it won't. but the wonderful thing is it's not my circus anymore, i'm out of the equation and taking care of myself and that's my only priority.

 

and what you wrote ("Stop trying to be the nice guy because you can't make everyone happy.....that will never work.") so, so true. xMM the same. you can't make everyone happy. for him, it's a source of pride to put himself on the back burner and sacrifice so much of him. i can't compete with that, nor do i want to.

 

Yes. Thanks. That's an interesting way to look at it. A source of pride.....

[cocorico]

How long did your A last?

 

Did the dynamics change in your relationship? Such as going from intense to more stable?

 

If it ended, why did it end what was the final push?

 

If it is still going on what is the end goal? Or are you happy to remain status quo?

 

The R has lasted more than 12 years, though the A part was three and a bit.

 

Initially it was LDR, which created intensity. Once we became FTR, there was definitely more stability, though it's still pretty intense. Not in a bad way, just very passionate.

 

End goal - we've been M for many years now, and out "end goal" is to make our time together the best it can be.

[PickledHead]

Mine has been 2+ years

 

The dynamic has changed recently with heated arguments. It has always been intense and I'm not sure specifically what has caused my recent change in feelings but things I was happy to accept previously now grate on me hence the arguments!

 

I have no immediate intention to end things however I am feeling that my opinion on this will change soon

[Southwardbound]

Second time around and we're well into the second year now First reconnecting year = super intense both emotionally & physically. The second year seems to be more stablizing- in that when we're together it seems just like a marriage. Relationship wise; we can talk all day about anything, the sex is fabulous, we're comfortable/ relaxed spending 24/7 with each other, & I feel there isn't anything I couldn't tell him, or he tell me. We accept each other as we are. Our situation is LDR, I go to his locale & live there every month. It's likely the situation will remain the same for several more years as is- as we both have kids / family commitments. My kids know about him & some have met him. His family does not know about me.

 

End goal = would be for both of us to get back together on a full-time arrangement, once the kids are out of both of our houses. I'd like him to divorce her & be with me. He & I have talked about this. He says, his marriage to her isn't a bad one, and that he doesn't wish his kids to grow up without their father present. I get this, as I'm divorced with kids. So, whether we eventually get together all the time, remains to be seen. I do love him - always have & I know he does love me.

 

Poppy47 - I thought it was interesting that you said, "it all came unstuck, because (you) lost trust in him." How did you lose trust in him? (I think it would for me too - if that happened- we have both always been honest to each other about our current situation & relationship intentions) I do trust my MM - I don't think he's directly lied to me. Intentionally skirted the truth, or not told me things at times - yes, I think he has done this. But, never directly lied to me. If we're face-to-face I can tell when he's lying as I know his tells. However, I do know he's a really good liar. I know he lies to his wife regularly. He & I have a long history together, of which she knows nothing about. I sometimes wonder how she would feel- if she found out? Would she think her marriage was based on a lie? - when she found out her H has a hidden past. A few of his friends knew about us - but I don't think they ever told her about us. He says, not. And if she found out, & then wanted to talk to me, I often wonder, what exactly would I say to her? After all it's not her fault, he's having an extramartial affair, by dividing himself between two women.

[Chica80]

Today I am feeling in a cleaning mood.....

 

Not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

I haven't seen MM since last week. Sent a merry Christmas text. But not much other communication.

The thing is like I said in previous post it has just been feeling like the end. Because nothing has changed or will change. Ultimately I wish I could keep him in my life but there is really no way to do that other than lose everything. (for him). I don't want him to leave his marriage for me or give up things for me. But I cannot truly be happy just being on the side either. There is no winning here.

 

Being with my family this weekend was really good. I came back feeling warm and strong. Had a really good conversation and talk with my dad. Although it didn't address the A per se, but did help me talk about some other issues.

 

A month ago I felt it. Felt I was done, decided to stop even started thinking about dating and signed up OLD. Only to be drawn back in. I DONT want that anymore. Its a new year. 2 years is enough!! and I don't want to go into another year doing the same thing.

This is all lovely and fine until...I see him in person. I stay pretty strong. But the resolve is harder when I have to actually interact with him in person.

How to stay in this frame of mind? How to stay in this resolve?

 

Because this is a good place to be, its not out of anger its not out of manipulation its sane and its logical....how do I stay here. Because I'm thinking about myself, how its good for me healthy for me. NOT what he needs or is good for him.

[DKT3]

When you want it over it will be over, the resolve will be there. Right now it's simply because he has put you on the back burner....You may not see it as manipulation but it is, you are manipulating yourself, thus you will not likely stick....We've heard this song and saw you dance to it before...Just like then you're not ready to end it or you would have.