For those in long term A

[Chica80]

When you want it over it will be over, the resolve will be there. Right now it's simply because he has put you on the back burner....You may not see it as manipulation but it is, you are manipulating yourself, thus you will not likely stick....We've heard this song and saw you dance to it before...Just like then you're not ready to end it or you would have.

 

Of course you would respond....I don't expect any less from you....(sarcasm is lost in text)

 

He hasn't put me on the back burner. He didn't before either. It's not about him. I know I've said this before. I've also said I wasn't ready to end it before. I've been truthful about that. (Not that I have to be to a group of random strangers).

I come on LS. To write, to express to get my thoughts out. To make sense of things that don't make sense. To get information, support. That is the purpose of this forum is it not?

Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner

 

 

The thing is he hasn't changed. He hasn't said anything different or done anything different. He's been the same. In what he says. What he does. HE doesn't change. Only I can change right? Only I can decide if I want it to be over or not, because he stays the same. If that is what you are saying....then I agree.

[spideywoman]

Today I am feeling in a cleaning mood.....

 

Not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

I haven't seen MM since last week. Sent a merry Christmas text. But not much other communication.

The thing is like I said in previous post it has just been feeling like the end. Because nothing has changed or will change. Ultimately I wish I could keep him in my life but there is really no way to do that other than lose everything. (for him). I don't want him to leave his marriage for me or give up things for me. But I cannot truly be happy just being on the side either. There is no winning here.

 

Being with my family this weekend was really good. I came back feeling warm and strong. Had a really good conversation and talk with my dad. Although it didn't address the A per se, but did help me talk about some other issues.

 

A month ago I felt it. Felt I was done, decided to stop even started thinking about dating and signed up OLD. Only to be drawn back in. I DONT want that anymore. Its a new year. 2 years is enough!! and I don't want to go into another year doing the same thing.

This is all lovely and fine until...I see him in person. I stay pretty strong. But the resolve is harder when I have to actually interact with him in person.

How to stay in this frame of mind? How to stay in this resolve?

 

Because this is a good place to be, its not out of anger its not out of manipulation its sane and its logical....how do I stay here. Because I'm thinking about myself, how its good for me healthy for me. NOT what he needs or is good for him.

 

You know sunshine, if i knew the answer to this i'd tell you. but i'm still trying to figure it out. maintaining the resolve. i reached this point, too. i am much stronger and more in control - not just of the situation but of myself. and like you, i got here naturally and it's a nice place to be and i WILL remain here.

 

and i think that's the key: you keep your resolve because you choose to do. it's a mental thing. i'm putting myself first: my wants, my needs, my desires, my feelings. no more making excuses for him. no more protecting him. reminding myself that i'm not one to play second fiddle to anyone. trying to forgive myself for having put myself in that situation and allowing myself to move on.

 

i don't remember exactly - can you not see him, or is there a work situation? when you're ready, and if you have the option of not seeing him, you'll stop seeing him. it's a process. i am both dreading and looking forward to seeing him again in the new year when he's back at work. i'm sure it'll set me back a bit. but, i am determined. the indifference is very slowly setting in, i can feel it. i just need to hang on to it because that's my choice. again as you said, HE hasn't changed, but I have.

 

hugs.

 

spidey.

[jenkins95]

Today I am feeling in a cleaning mood.....

 

Not just physically but emotionally and mentally.

I haven't seen MM since last week. Sent a merry Christmas text. But not much other communication.

The thing is like I said in previous post it has just been feeling like the end. Because nothing has changed or will change. Ultimately I wish I could keep him in my life but there is really no way to do that other than lose everything. (for him). I don't want him to leave his marriage for me or give up things for me. But I cannot truly be happy just being on the side either. There is no winning here.

 

Being with my family this weekend was really good. I came back feeling warm and strong. Had a really good conversation and talk with my dad. Although it didn't address the A per se, but did help me talk about some other issues.

 

A month ago I felt it. Felt I was done, decided to stop even started thinking about dating and signed up OLD. Only to be drawn back in. I DONT want that anymore. Its a new year. 2 years is enough!! and I don't want to go into another year doing the same thing.

This is all lovely and fine until...I see him in person. I stay pretty strong. But the resolve is harder when I have to actually interact with him in person.

How to stay in this frame of mind? How to stay in this resolve?

 

Because this is a good place to be, its not out of anger its not out of manipulation its sane and its logical....how do I stay here. Because I'm thinking about myself, how its good for me healthy for me. NOT what he needs or is good for him.

 

(((sunshine)))

 

I missed you!

 

My situation sounds very similar to yours (although I was the MM). There was a genuine connection between me and my xOW, but it ended for basically the reasons you have stated above (and there were also D-days)....over a year ago.

 

It's been a VERY tough year for my family since then and we are still not recovered, but we are in a much better place than we were.

 

But I don't doubt that we did the right thing for a minute. Every day we'd stayed in the A would have been an extra little bit of connection to have had to break free of later and a few extra days to the recovery...and extra insult to my wife and family.

 

Could I have gone the other way and left to be with the OW? I'll be honest and say it did cross my mind after D-day when my head was all over place and I was brainwashed with limerence. But the pain and destruction that would have followed would have destroyed many people - unquestionably. And I am a weak man (the fact that I had an affair proves this). I would not have been strong enough to witness the destruction and devastation that I had caused and it would have destroyed me too eventually. I am certain of it.

 

The limerence has died down now and I see the OW for what she was - a lovely person who made some wrong choices like me. If we'd both been single, no question it could have worked. But it should never have started in the first place. If I hadn't been such a weak coward, I could have rescued the (frankly quite minor) issues in my marriage without looking outside for escape.

 

We live and learn!

 

If you feel ready to do it sunshine, do it now and don't look back. It will be hell for months - you already know this. Stick with it, and you will get past it. You have to really want it and be 100% determined. Otherwise it's far too easy to get dragged back in. you can do it! You will need support of good friends, family, LS and maybe even a counsellor.

 

Happy New year sunshine and all others.

Edited December 28, 2016 by jenkins95

[Chica80]

(((sunshine)))

 

I missed you!

 

My situation sounds very similar to yours (although I was the MM). There was a genuine connection between me and my xOW, but it ended for basically the reasons you have stated above (and there were also D-days)....over a year ago.

 

It's been a VERY tough year for my family since then and we are still not recovered, but we are in a much better place than we were.

 

But I don't doubt that we did the right thing for a minute. Every day we'd stayed in the A would have been an extra little bit of connection to have had to break free of later and a few extra days to the recovery...and extra insult to my wife and family.

 

Could I have gone the other way and left to be with the OW? I'll be honest and say it did cross my mind after D-day when my head was all over place and I was brainwashed with limerence. But the pain and destruction that would have followed would have destroyed many people - unquestionably. And I am a weak man (the fact that I had an affair proves this). I would not have been strong enough to witness the destruction and devastation that I had caused and it would have destroyed me too eventually. I am certain of it.

 

The limerence has died down now and I see the OW for what she was - a lovely person who made some wrong choices like me. If we'd both been single, no question it could have worked. But it should never have started in the first place. If I hadn't been such a weak coward, I could have rescued the (frankly quite minor) issues in my marriage without looking outside for escape.

 

We live and learn!

 

If you feel ready to do it sunshine, do it now and don't look back. It will be hell for months - you already know this. Stick with it, and you will get past it. You have to really want it and be 100% determined. Otherwise it's far too easy to get dragged back in. you can do it! You will need support of good friends, family, LS and maybe even a counsellor.

 

Happy New year sunshine and all others.

 

(((((Jenkins))))

 

There's many discussions and things that have happened in the last month.

The thing that has kept me, is I love him. My love for him. Our connection, chemistry genuine care for eachother, like you said. But I've also understood that even if were he to leave and we be together there would be no riding off into the sunset. It would not be a happy ending, we would not survive the aftermath. So I chose to stay. To have at least a small part of him. And he have me.

 

I've just reached a different point now. Because I want more. This is not enough anymore. Because I don't like living my life in lies and secrets. Because in the last year I have grown a lot changed a lot. I don't want to take this in to the new year.

It has been hell....throughout it has been hell. I know it won't be easy. And I will want to get sucked back in.....but it won't change anything and it won't be different. So I have to be different, because he won't .

My friends have this funny moto for 2017....(no recycling) Maybe it should be mine as well.

[Chica80]

You know sunshine, if i knew the answer to this i'd tell you. but i'm still trying to figure it out. maintaining the resolve. i reached this point, too. i am much stronger and more in control - not just of the situation but of myself. and like you, i got here naturally and it's a nice place to be and i WILL remain here.

 

and i think that's the key: you keep your resolve because you choose to do. it's a mental thing. i'm putting myself first: my wants, my needs, my desires, my feelings. no more making excuses for him. no more protecting him. reminding myself that i'm not one to play second fiddle to anyone. trying to forgive myself for having put myself in that situation and allowing myself to move on.

 

i don't remember exactly - can you not see him, or is there a work situation? when you're ready, and if you have the option of not seeing him, you'll stop seeing him. it's a process. i am both dreading and looking forward to seeing him again in the new year when he's back at work. i'm sure it'll set me back a bit. but, i am determined. the indifference is very slowly setting in, i can feel it. i just need to hang on to it because that's my choice. again as you said, HE hasn't changed, but I have.

 

hugs.

 

spidey.

 

 

Hi Spidey! I have to see him for wrk. Right now it is not an option to change. I don't just have a 9-5 type job. I've looked. I started looking a year ago.

 

Yes It's the hard part. Seeing him. Actually being around him, it's difficult. But that's also part of the reason. I never know how to "act" how I'm supposed to "act" around him in other situations. We are "friends" everyone thinks we are really good friends. People have suspected but nothing has ever been confirmed. So when we are in a situation where his wife is there (like a function) or whatever it makes me so anxious and I feel awful.

(Which leads me to if I feel so awful and anxious after an hr or so, how can he who lives with her sees her everyday face to face do that everyday.....doesn't really matter, but I couldn't do it) l

I need to be able to be the same wherever I am. I can't do that if I have to lie. And I feel I "protect" him, his reputation how he looks.....what about me?

 

I can relate a lot to what you say......Not going to lie prepare yourself because when he comes back.......it's going to be very difficult!

[gettingstronger]

How to stay in a good place? I feel like we have two sides- our strong side and our weak side-

 

My strong side is easy going, laughs often, works out like mad, puts myself out there socially, brushes off the bad, looks forward, meditates, enjoys cooking, etc

 

My weak side over thinks, is overly sensitive, dwells in details and what-ifs, and is a pessimist-

 

I wallowed in my weak side for a long time after my husband betrayed me- I allowed that part of me, the over sensitive, over thinker that dwells to be dominate-I have been feeding my strong side-doing all the things that empower me as a person, not necessarily to get over the pain but to be a better me-

 

What empowers you as a person- on your best days (regardless of who you are with or what is going on) what are you doing-feed that part of you-

[Chica80]

How to stay in a good place? I feel like we have two sides- our strong side and our weak side-

 

My strong side is easy going, laughs often, works out like mad, puts myself out there socially, brushes off the bad, looks forward, meditates, enjoys cooking, etc

 

My weak side over thinks, is overly sensitive, dwells in details and what-ifs, and is a pessimist-

 

I wallowed in my weak side for a long time after my husband betrayed me- I allowed that part of me, the over sensitive, over thinker that dwells to be dominate-I have been feeding my strong side-doing all the things that empower me as a person, not necessarily to get over the pain but to be a better me-

 

What empowers you as a person- on your best days (regardless of who you are with or what is going on) what are you doing-feed that part of you-

 

 

Thank you!!! Yes this is what I've been thinking. What I said to a friend yesterday. It's not the happy feeling....that fades. It's this strong feeling. I feel strong not dependendent on someone else but on myself.

[imsosad]

You hold the power,sunshine.

I know you love him. I think most OW here went NC or otherwise ended their affairs while still in love with MM. They made it, you too will survive.

I really wish you the best and hope you find peace and happiness much sooner than you expect to!

[jenkins95]

(((((Jenkins))))

The thing that has kept me, is I love him. My love for him. Our connection, chemistry genuine care for eachother, like you said.

 

But I've also understood that even if were he to leave and we be together there would be no riding off into the sunset. It would not be a happy ending, we would not survive the aftermath.

 

Yes. This. These two sentences. Together, they are what make affairs awful. So much emotion and love and connection......but at the cost of destruction, cheating and deceit. Intense happiness at the cost of someone else's unhappiness.

 

It's a horrible, heartbreaking, mind-blowing balance that weighs increasingly on the shoulders of anyone in an affair and likely, in one shape or another, will eventually lead to its end. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I've well and truly learned my lesson.

 

Recognising that you wouldn't have survived the aftermath is very mature. It's how I feel too. It came home to me a lot this Christmas how my family would have been destroyed if I'd left. I have a child with special needs, including ADHD. We had to deal with a lot of fit-type behaviour over the holidays that was very stressful and demanding. It would been ten times more difficult if my wife and I had been separated....and 1000 times more difficult again, if I'd left to be with the OW. Not only that, but it (and any other negative thing that happened) would have been squarely blamed on my leaving, whether or not that really was the actual cause - and i would have had no grounds to defend that view.

 

Despite the hurt, you can take things from the experience and learn from it - eventually even cherish some of the memories, but in almost all cases, affairs begin to cause more negatives than positives and have to end.

 

At least, as a single woman, you will be able to move on with a clean slate. My opinion is that the short-term aftermath of an affair where the MM stays with his family is worse on the OW - she suddenly has no one and has to deal with it on her own, knowing that MM is "working on his marriage". MM on the other hand, is so busy fire-fighting, he doesn't have enough energy to be truly broken and depressed at first. Fast forward 6 months and in most cases, I now believe it is harder for the MM. The initial fire-fighting is dealt with and he has to work (really work hard) on his marriage. He may secretly miss the OW or question his choices...but he better not dare voice it! As midnight1980 often says - it is very difficult to get over a lover when you are married and trying to save your marriage. After 6 months of recovery and the support of good friends, the OW on the other hand may now be genuinely ready to move on.

 

For what it's worth, I am finding happiness in my marriage again - it's taking time and work, but we'e getting there. My wife has been amazing. I did fall for the OW, but I recognise that a huge part of it was pure fantasy. The behaviour we exhibited simply wouldn't have been sustainable in the real world.

 

Keep posting sunshine!

[Chica80]

Thanks everyone. So far so good. We've already interacted this morning. It was fine, Im not angry I'm not sad I don't have that longing. I don't even have the I missed you wish I could kiss you. None of that.

Because I am telling myself that is over its not enough never will be. I don't want to lose anymore of myself. Or he to hurt himself more.

 

Jenks, I agree with you. I will and can move on. I have a good support system. And have been honest with friends and those close to me about what has been going on. So I have that. He does not. No one knows about me. And I have been here as long as he has been married. So he hasn't been married without me in it. I'm not saying this to brag or anything like that. Just that I agree with you. I can cry be hurt, talk about it and move on. But he will be in the same place. With his thoughts and guilt only to himself.....

[Chica80]

You hold the power,sunshine.

I know you love him. I think most OW here went NC or otherwise ended their affairs while still in love with MM. They made it, you too will survive.

I really wish you the best and hope you find peace and happiness much sooner than you expect to!

 

I like this! I hold the power to survive.

[spideywoman]

Hi Spidey! I have to see him for wrk. Right now it is not an option to change. I don't just have a 9-5 type job. I've looked. I started looking a year ago.

 

Yes It's the hard part. Seeing him. Actually being around him, it's difficult. But that's also part of the reason. I never know how to "act" how I'm supposed to "act" around him in other situations. We are "friends" everyone thinks we are really good friends. People have suspected but nothing has ever been confirmed. So when we are in a situation where his wife is there (like a function) or whatever it makes me so anxious and I feel awful.

(Which leads me to if I feel so awful and anxious after an hr or so, how can he who lives with her sees her everyday face to face do that everyday.....doesn't really matter, but I couldn't do it) l

I need to be able to be the same wherever I am. I can't do that if I have to lie. And I feel I "protect" him, his reputation how he looks.....what about me?

 

I can relate a lot to what you say......Not going to lie prepare yourself because when he comes back.......it's going to be very difficult!

 

OK, i remember now. our job isn't a 9 to 5, either. it's a round the clock, intense situations, traveling, you name it. it's an incubator. you either forge very strong bonds or the bad apples quickly sink to the bottom of the barrel.

 

don't know if this helps but when we were 'on,' it was like a friendship at the office. like you, everyone thinks we're best of friends and great colleagues (it helps the charade that we're the only two managers) and work together very well (which we actually do, style-wise.) i'm sure some suspect but nothing confirmed. so, it was kind of normal. went about my job with the extra perk of having my special friend in another office or a phone call away. when we were 'off,' of course that was much more difficult. the pain though was mitigated by the fact that i always knew it was never a permanent break so i would again just go about my business but was less approachable. i would interact, but kept it distant. where i would have usually made a call, i would write an email. where i would usually pop into his office, i would either send someone else to talk to him or wait until he came out. when i felt like cracking a smile or going the extra mile to help him out, i'd check myself and ask "would you do this to / for another colleague?" and when the answer was no, i'd step away. that's where the protection came in _ he relies on me and my team a lot. it's not that i was setting him up to fail, i would never do that, it's just that i wouldn't overextend myself or my resources and i held him much more accountable professionally. it's tough to explain, i was myself, but kept it very professional; the warm, friendly spidey wasn't there during those times.

 

so when you guys are at the office, you two are who you are. I understand the lying part. unfortunately though that's part of this whole mess called an affair. you're going to have to lie. all the time. i was lucky i guess in that his wife didn't live where we live so my exposure to her was minimal. while you're at this critical stage, this juncture where you're making decisions, can you avoid them? perhaps with the holidays over they'll be less social events? that would at the very least take some of the additional strain off. and yea, i remember the intense discomfort when the three of us would be in a situation together. and he was very lucky, too, that he didn't have to go home every night to continue the deception since she wasn't here. WH's dream i guess.

 

so when he's back, i hear through the grapevine that she'll be making the move here. we'll see if that's the case. like you said, it's not going to be easy but i'm determined to be cool, polite, civil and professional. let's see if he'll be able to handle it. i know i will be able to.

 

but back to you, i always ramble on your threads what about you? even if he is looking out for you, has your back, etc., the only person who can care the right amount about your overall wellbeing is you. that's where the choice comes in. it's about you at work and it's about you elsewhere. i feel you really are at a crossroads. go with the flow. see where it takes you. i sense the seeds you've planted to make sunshine #1 again are slowly sprouting.

 

as for another job. i looked, too. still do but it's more for my satisfaction and nothing to do with him. the point i reached after 5 months of very LC is "why the heck should i quit a job that has it's downfalls but pays well, is stable and helps me provide for my family and sustain my lifestyle? i can handle it. if he's so bothered, he should leave. i'll leave when and if i'm ready to do so professionally." surely neither one of us will be in this situation forever. it's not possible.

 

hugs.

[spideywoman]

Thank you!!! Yes this is what I've been thinking. What I said to a friend yesterday. It's not the happy feeling....that fades. It's this strong feeling. I feel strong not dependendent on someone else but on myself.

 

exactly. hold on to that feeling and remember how great it feels when the chips are down. you're here, stay here. i know you can do it. as getting stronger said, it's about feeding the strong said and empowering sunshine, boosting her 'good' sides and letting the weaker sides whittle away, deprive them of oxygen.

[Chica80]

OK, i remember now. our job isn't a 9 to 5, either. it's a round the clock, intense situations, traveling, you name it. it's an incubator. you either forge very strong bonds or the bad apples quickly sink to the bottom of the barrel.

 

don't know if this helps but when we were 'on,' it was like a friendship at the office. like you, everyone thinks we're best of friends and great colleagues (it helps the charade that we're the only two managers) and work together very well (which we actually do, style-wise.) i'm sure some suspect but nothing confirmed. so, it was kind of normal. went about my job with the extra perk of having my special friend in another office or a phone call away. when we were 'off,' of course that was much more difficult. the pain though was mitigated by the fact that i always knew it was never a permanent break so i would again just go about my business but was less approachable. i would interact, but kept it distant. where i would have usually made a call, i would write an email. where i would usually pop into his office, i would either send someone else to talk to him or wait until he came out. when i felt like cracking a smile or going the extra mile to help him out, i'd check myself and ask "would you do this to / for another colleague?" and when the answer was no, i'd step away. that's where the protection came in _ he relies on me and my team a lot. it's not that i was setting him up to fail, i would never do that, it's just that i wouldn't overextend myself or my resources and i held him much more accountable professionally. it's tough to explain, i was myself, but kept it very professional; the warm, friendly spidey wasn't there during those times.

 

so when you guys are at the office, you two are who you are. I understand the lying part. unfortunately though that's part of this whole mess called an affair. you're going to have to lie. all the time. i was lucky i guess in that his wife didn't live where we live so my exposure to her was minimal. while you're at this critical stage, this juncture where you're making decisions, can you avoid them? perhaps with the holidays over they'll be less social events? that would at the very least take some of the additional strain off. and yea, i remember the intense discomfort when the three of us would be in a situation together. and he was very lucky, too, that he didn't have to go home every night to continue the deception since she wasn't here. WH's dream i guess.

 

so when he's back, i hear through the grapevine that she'll be making the move here. we'll see if that's the case. like you said, it's not going to be easy but i'm determined to be cool, polite, civil and professional. let's see if he'll be able to handle it. i know i will be able to.

 

but back to you, i always ramble on your threads what about you? even if he is looking out for you, has your back, etc., the only person who can care the right amount about your overall wellbeing is you. that's where the choice comes in. it's about you at work and it's about you elsewhere. i feel you really are at a crossroads. go with the flow. see where it takes you. i sense the seeds you've planted to make sunshine #1 again are slowly sprouting.

 

as for another job. i looked, too. still do but it's more for my satisfaction and nothing to do with him. the point i reached after 5 months of very LC is "why the heck should i quit a job that has it's downfalls but pays well, is stable and helps me provide for my family and sustain my lifestyle? i can handle it. if he's so bothered, he should leave. i'll leave when and if i'm ready to do so professionally." surely neither one of us will be in this situation forever. it's not possible.

 

hugs.

 

 

So today went pretty well...I think. I was friendly and happy when I arrived at work. That's how I was feeling. I was friendly, but not any different than I am with anyone else. I treated him the same as I treat anyone else I work with. I think there was still some of the same little things... like we bring eachother lunch or coffee etc. So now I just think to myself ok, I will not say or do things for him that I wouldn't do for another co worker....I think that has helped. And also not to read into anything if he does something, because ultimately it doesn't really mean anything.

 

The end of the day was really hard...I stayed late to finish the day. And normally this would be the time where we talk. At the end of the night in the evening. We talk about the day, about the things that went on at work. We commiserate and vent or support whatever is needed for that day. That is hard to let go of. And was feeling sad. So instead came home. Took a nice hot shower and am now on LS.....

 

You can ramble anytime......

[spideywoman]

So today went pretty well...I think. I was friendly and happy when I arrived at work. That's how I was feeling. I was friendly, but not any different than I am with anyone else. I treated him the same as I treat anyone else I work with. I think there was still some of the same little things... like we bring eachother lunch or coffee etc. So now I just think to myself ok, I will not say or do things for him that I wouldn't do for another co worker....I think that has helped. And also not to read into anything if he does something, because ultimately it doesn't really mean anything.

 

The end of the day was really hard...I stayed late to finish the day. And normally this would be the time where we talk. At the end of the night in the evening. We talk about the day, about the things that went on at work. We commiserate and vent or support whatever is needed for that day. That is hard to let go of. And was feeling sad. So instead came home. Took a nice hot shower and am now on LS.....

 

You can ramble anytime......

 

YES! this is crucial. the little things - the lunches, breakfasts, coffees, chocolates. i wouldn't do any of that while we were off. he would though and i would either politely decline or accept and immediately turn around and share with anyone else who happened to be in the office. the goal was to deny him intimacy. sounds strange, but bringing someone breakfast is very intimate. i know you know what i mean. because, if i'm not getting what i want, fully, then why should i give anything, even if it's a bar of chocolate. simplistic but true. i tried not to read into anything either _ which has been especially true while he's been away. many emails, smoke signals, i've been ignoring them all. why does he need the satisfaction of my response? he doesn't.

 

end of the days were hard, too. my plan for next year is to leave early if i can and work from home. or, just leave the minute i'm uncomfortable. it'll be an adjustment for sure.

 

small steps, sunshine. detachment isn't going to happen overnight.

[Chica80]

YES! this is crucial. the little things - the lunches, breakfasts, coffees, chocolates. i wouldn't do any of that while we were off. he would though and i would either politely decline or accept and immediately turn around and share with anyone else who happened to be in the office. the goal was to deny him intimacy. sounds strange, but bringing someone breakfast is very intimate. i know you know what i mean. because, if i'm not getting what i want, fully, then why should i give anything, even if it's a bar of chocolate. simplistic but true. i tried not to read into anything either _ which has been especially true while he's been away. many emails, smoke signals, i've been ignoring them all. why does he need the satisfaction of my response? he doesn't.

 

end of the days were hard, too. my plan for next year is to leave early if i can and work from home. or, just leave the minute i'm uncomfortable. it'll be an adjustment for sure.

 

small steps, sunshine. detachment isn't going to happen overnight.

 

 

OH I SO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!!! Yes we bring eachother lunch all the time. I cook something and bring it for him or he for me etc... That was one of my things when we were "LC" or trying not to be "too intimate"...yup.

 

Today I had to stay late like I said. I didn't know how long I would be there but knew I would be there past dinner. He gave me his lunch because he knew I would not have a chance to eat again till really late. I wasn't going to take it. because, u know... but I took it and shared with my other co worker because he also had to stay late.

 

I don't mean stay and talk after work...(although that happened occasionally). I meant in the evening. We usually will talk, mostly text until we go to sleep. Throughout the day. etc. Which would always lead me to...Where is your wife, when you are texting me in the evenings, in the morning on the weekends.....ugh Affairs!!

[MidnightBlue1980]

As you know I had to see xMM all year as I refused to be the one to leave. Looking back now, it really was not worth it.

 

I put myself through endless agony and I basically wasted my entire year. I'm lucky I have a marriage and a company. I've driven a few people away who I leaned on too heavily and have major rebuilding to do with my long time friends who I stopped communicating with since 2015. I completely distanced myself from everyone who I felt would not understand and have become very isolated. I work (sometimes), post on LS and see my family. I went from a social butterfly to a hermit and all over xmm.

 

I won't say I regret my decision to stick it out and fight as I know myself and if I had left a year ago, I'd be sitting here today lamenting my choice to run and xmm would have gotten completely away with everything and rewarded for his actions. But I learned a valuable lesson. There really is a point where you have to ask yourself, is this experience fun? And if it is not, there is no shame in getting the heck out and living to fight another day.

 

Just my 2cents.

[Chica80]

As you know I had to see xMM all year as I refused to be the one to leave. Looking back now, it really was not worth it.

 

I put myself through endless agony and I basically wasted my entire year. I'm lucky I have a marriage and a company. I've driven a few people away who I leaned on too heavily and have major rebuilding to do with my long time friends who I stopped communicating with since 2015. I completely distanced myself from everyone who I felt would not understand and have become very isolated. I work (sometimes), post on LS and see my family. I went from a social butterfly to a hermit and all over xmm.

 

I won't say I regret my decision to stick it out and fight as I know myself and if I had left a year ago, I'd be sitting here today lamenting my choice to run and xmm would have gotten completely away with everything and rewarded for his actions. But I learned a valuable lesson. There really is a point where you have to ask yourself, is this experience fun? And if it is not, there is no shame in getting the heck out and living to fight another day.

 

Just my 2cents.

 

Ya it's not fun anymore....but this is not just a job. Many reasons which I've discussed before. So I'm not going to run like you said. But I will treat him no more or less than anyone else. And I'm choosing not to read into anything he does. I can't control him, or what he does. I can only control me, how I react to things my actions.

[jenkins95]

(((Sunshine))) I'm so proud of you. You did great today. A very dignified, strong, appropriate way to conduct yourself through the day with no drama....even though you must have had some internal cr*p to deal with.

 

I was thinking of you and awaiting your update. You did great girl. Keep it going x

[ladydesigner]

Thinking of you today (((Sunshinechica))) you do what is best for YOU!

[Chica80]

Thanks guys!!!

Jenks! I really appreciate your words, your support. It helps me not just stay in my pain. If I see things from the other side, somehow its more healing not sure.... like I said I've been thinking about alot of things lately. Peoples reasons for being in an A, are different they wrk or don't wrk for different reasons. They are not always so easy....it seems like it should be right just a slap in the face wake up.......not always so simple when u are on this side...

 

LadyA (((((hugs)))))) it works until it doesn't work anymore.....how are you??

[Chica80]

Has anyone seen La La Land? Jenkins. I think you would appreciate it!! Warning it's a musical....but the ending will leave you.......watch it!!

[jenkins95]

Has anyone seen La La Land? Jenkins. I think you would appreciate it!! Warning it's a musical....but the ending will leave you.......watch it!!

 

Already googling it sunshine! Thank you! I always like a good recommendation!

 

And....Thanks to you too. I never forget lovely posters who have really opened their heart to me and supported me with their posts when I've been quite down....like you did a few months back, and continue to do now. The love, compassion and support that i have been afforded by total strangers on the internet has often moved me to tears and restores my faith in the species!

 

There are many stars and angels here on LS....and you are one of mine.

 

Just keep doing what you're doing.....you'll get there! You're amazing.

[Chica80]

Already googling it sunshine! Thank you! I always like a good recommendation!

 

And....Thanks to you too. I never forget lovely posters who have really opened their heart to me and supported me with their posts when I've been quite down....like you did a few months back, and continue to do now. The love, compassion and support that i have been afforded by total strangers on the internet has often moved me to tears and restores my faith in the species!

 

There are many stars and angels here on LS....and you are one of mine.

 

Just keep doing what you're doing.....you'll get there! You're amazing.

 

I don't know what I said. But thanks!! I feel the same. I'm really happy to hear that things continue to get better for you, your wife and family.

 

I was talking to a friend the other day. She said you give really good marriage advice...I laughed and said "well you know what they say....those who can't do...."

 

Haha it was a joke. But lately the feeling I have is hopeful...Hopeful for change. Hopeful for something better, hopeful for something more and for the first time in my adult life that something better is myself not someone else.

 

(Can I also say I feel a lil scared. Scared that now that I'm being stronger he will pull back stronger.....) It's that perpetual fear of always waiting for the other shoe to drop.....

 

Hang in there LS friends.

 

Earlier I said LadyA. I meant ladydesigner.

 

I like updates.....it's a weird community. But like I think Midnightblue said once people come and go on here but there are a couple, posters you feel you bond with.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't know what I said. But thanks!! I feel the same. I'm really happy to hear that things continue to get better for you, your wife and family.

 

I was talking to a friend the other day. She said you give really good marriage advice...I laughed and said "well you know what they say....those who can't do...."

 

Haha it was a joke. But lately the feeling I have is hopeful...Hopeful for change. Hopeful for something better, hopeful for something more and for the first time in my adult life that something better is myself not someone else.

 

(Can I also say I feel a lil scared. Scared that now that I'm being stronger he will pull back stronger.....) It's that perpetual fear of always waiting for the other shoe to drop.....

 

Hang in there LS friends.

 

Earlier I said LadyA. I meant ladydesigner.

 

I like updates.....it's a weird community. But like I think Midnightblue said once people come and go on here but there are a couple, posters you feel you bond with.

 

It's funny when I see people tagging me. I keep thinking it will be like FaceBook and for a second I am surprised it is not highlighted. Of course that is not my real name. Midnight. It's a horse or a porn star or a crayola crayon. (I picked the crayon)

 

I know that feeling, I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop as well. Yesterday I admit at first I was excited that xmm's SIL asked me to be connected as it was any form of communication with xmm, however 3 degree. But who knows her motive? And do I really want to find out? No. So I blocked her. I don't actually want the other shoe to drop. If his wife decides to tell her family, I want to be as inaccessible as possible.

 

Anyway that has nothing to do with anything and it's about as unexciting an update as I did my laundry but I like this board because where else can I go to post this random stuff?