Recently moved-in together and BF wants to spend Christmas without me

[SunnyWeather]

Am I wrong to feel so upset?

 

A little background. We've been together for about 9 months now, and were spending everyday together so thought it was time to move in together and make it official. It's been about a month since he officially moved in, and I have to say, it's been a pretty bumpy ride adjusting these last few weeks, but not without joy and happiness of living together.

 

He comes from a pretty traditional background and is new to the States. We spent Thanksgiving together at his extended family's house, which was a BIG deal for him to introduce me to them. His mother, father and sister whom he is really close to, however, were not there due to attending to business abroad. When I think about that night, I honestly can say something felt off with him; he was distant and not really attentive nor overly excited to have me with him, at least that is what I subtly felt that night...

 

SO, now it's Christmas, and again he's got a huge family occasion to attend. He just told me about it Sunday, and was vague about the details. I didn't press it much at first because I figured, of course I'm going to go with him, this is what live-in couples do together, right? When I confirmed the details about Christmas eve, he made it clear he was going without me.

 

At first I was totally dumbstruck, then as it sank in, devastated. I waited a day to approach it, needing to think it out and after, concluded that this is NOT ok for him to leave me alone Christmas eve. He dug in further and said that he should be able to do things on his own when he wants to, and he's going to his extended family's event without me. Period.

 

Needless to say, I'm crushed on many levels. I normally travel during the holidays to avoid the forced festivities, it's a personal tradition I started since the end of my long-term marriage 7 years ago. I didn't make any plans this years as I was looking forward to sharing it with him- we do everything else together now, of course we would spend this long weekend celebrating together, right? Instead, I find out I'm going to spend one of the biggest holidays of the year alone and without my love ? wth?

 

This feels wrong! Or am I over reacting?

 

In my heart, I feel the relationship is over if he goes without me. But, on the other hand, if he were to concede and bring me, I can't help feeling like he will feel he was forced into doing so, and will resent me. Either way, it feels doomed. Just the fact that he wanted to do this is upsetting.

 

Oh dear, I'm in a rough spot and its not comfortable. I welcome your insights and suggestions. I'm totally lost and profoundly sad about this new development.

Edited December 21, 2016 by SunnyWeather

[clia]

This feels wrong! Or am I over reacting?

 

I don't think you are overreacting at all. Given that you live together, I think it's natural that you would spend the holidays together. What is your relationship like otherwise? Have you talked about marriage, a future together, etc.? It just seems really strange that he wasn't planning to bring you with him.

 

In my heart, I feel the relationship is over if he goes without me. But, on the other hand, if he were to concede and bring me, I can't help feeling like he will feel he was forced into doing so, and will resent me. Either way, it feels doomed. Just the fact that he wanted to do this is upsetting.

 

Honestly, you know what I would do? Go ahead and book a trip out of town, as you have done in the past. Go, travel, have a good time, and then when you get back end the relationship. Hopefully you aren't stuck in a lease with him.

[ZayKayWill]

Eh. On one hand I can kinda see where he's coming from in the sense that he just wants to spend time with his family and focus on only that and maybe thinks that if you were there he would be more focused on you than them, but at the same time it's not like he can't still interact with his family even though you're there, plus you would be alone I take it. I can see why you're upset. I wouldn't let it end the relationship, though. I would just ask him why he wants to go alone so badly and go from there. If I was him I would feel bad for leaving you alone by yourself honestly. Do you not have anywhere else to go for the holidays?

[SunnyWeather]

I don't think you are overreacting at all. Given that you live together, I think it's natural that you would spend the holidays together. What is your relationship like otherwise? Have you talked about marriage, a future together, etc.? It just seems really strange that he wasn't planning to bring you with him.

 

 

 

Honestly, you know what I would do? Go ahead and book a trip out of town, as you have done in the past. Go, travel, have a good time, and then when you get back end the relationship. Hopefully you aren't stuck in a lease with him.

 

thanks for your reply

 

we are making some plans for the future, but marriage has not ever been broached--I'm not necessarily looking toward that again, but we do discuss ideas of places we might want to move to together or build a business, things like that, investing in new furniture etc.

 

I should mention that he lost his first wife 4 years ago in a tragic accident, and I'm the first relationship he's had since, as well as he for me since my divorce. Some of the family I met on Thanksgiving have not seen him since he was married to his deceased.

 

As for making alternate plans, the first thing I did last night was look at airfares to jet out in a day or so, but it's so last minute and a holiday that everything is really expensive. I'm still considering it though, it would really piss him off!

[ZayKayWill]

thanks for your reply

 

we are making some plans for the future, but marriage has not ever been broached--I'm not necessarily looking toward that again, but we do discuss ideas of places we might want to move to together or build a business, things like that, investing in new furniture etc.

 

I should mention that he lost his first wife 4 years ago in a tragic accident, and I'm the first relationship he's had since, as well as he for me since my divorce. Some of the family I met on Thanksgiving have not seen him since he was married to his deceased.

 

As for making alternate plans, the first thing I did last night was look at airfares to jet out in a day or so, but it's so last minute and a holiday that everything is really expensive. <B>I'm still considering it though, it would really piss him off!</B>

 

Don't do it to piss him off...if you're legitimately upset about what he's doing you need to talk to him about it. Don't start playing games. It only goes downhill from that point on. Maybe he doesn't realize that him going without you would make you alone for the holidays? Maybe he assumed you would be able to go hang out with family or something.

Edited December 21, 2016 by ZayKayWill

[hippychick3]

 

As for making alternate plans, the first thing I did last night was look at airfares to jet out in a day or so, but it's so last minute and a holiday that everything is really expensive. I'm still considering it though, it would really piss him off!

 

It would piss him off???? What? Does he actually want and expect you to be alone for the holidays?! That's unbelievable. I would do whatever I wanted to do, have an amazing time, and dump this guy for his cold and heartless treatment of you for the holidays.

[ZayKayWill]

Honestly if you're already dead set on getting revenge for what he's about to do it sounds like the relationship is already over. Either man up and talk to him like an adult or end it. Your choice.

[SunnyWeather]

Eh. On one hand I can kinda see where he's coming from in the sense that he just wants to spend time with his family and focus on only that and maybe thinks that if you were there he would be more focused on you than them, but at the same time it's not like he can't still interact with his family even though you're there, plus you would be alone I take it. I can see why you're upset. I wouldn't let it end the relationship, though. I would just ask him why he wants to go alone so badly and go from there. If I was him I would feel bad for leaving you alone by yourself honestly. Do you not have anywhere else to go for the holidays?

 

 

the bolded is what bothers me most. I have no where else to go unless I fly far away, too last minute and expensive. ALl my friends live abroad or are traveling...and I don't want him to invite me out of pity either

 

as for your first points, that's sorta what he alluded to, but the fact is, I got on just fine during the Thanksgiving event, chatting with the matriarchs learning about their cooking techniques and such. Forging new friendships with cousins who invited us after to spend weekends in the mountains...

 

I've also started to build relationships with some other members of his family, one of whom (whose house the event will be at) was just over our place just last weekend! I hosted him with dinner, drinks and watching a sporting event. It was such a fun night, which is even more puzzling that my BF would go tp Christmas there without me! Privately, his cousin said how happy he is that (my BF) found someone like me.

 

I'm not sure how I can move forward with him excluding me like this after already having been to several dinners with other members of his family who will be there.

[ZayKayWill]

I think you mentioned earlier about how during Thanksgiving he wasn't able to see his mom/dad/sister that day? Maybe that's why he didn't feel 'himself' that night and now maybe this is the time where he's gonna finally see those members of the family and so he's making it a bit more personal?

 

Either way it's not right to just leave you by yourself to plan things at the very last minute. I would talk to him about it, ask him why he wants to go alone so badly, and if you don't like what you hear, give him your side of how you feel and go from there. It'd be different if he told you this a few weeks ago that way you would have had been able to make other plans, but doing this at the last minute is a bit harsh honestly.

[SunnyWeather]

Honestly if you're already dead set on getting revenge for what he's about to do it sounds like the relationship is already over. Either man up and talk to him like an adult or end it. Your choice.

 

 

no, not out for revenge!! I just know that I have to take care of myself and don't want to spend it alone. I just got back from a long trip a few months ago. Me being away kinda sealed it with him and him wanting to move to the next level and move in with me...

 

I DID talk with him, last night, very calmly. I told him how upsetting it would be to not be with him on Christmas eve, that that's when it's celebrated with those we care about most, etc. I explained that maybe it's a culture issue, that he doesn't understand how this time is special etc. He responded that he doesn't "give a **** about Christmas!" I told him he should care about how I'm feeling and about me being left alone (he knows all my friends are out of town)

 

I said it's not just about Christmas, it's about spending time with loved ones, as HE'S going to do. I said in the most pathetic voice overcome with tears, "you cannot let me be alone on Christmas eve". and walked away.

 

I cried all night I was so devastated. I even slept on the couch

[ZayKayWill]

You need to ask him WHY he wants to go alone so badly. That way you can at least try to see where he's coming from. (I'm not taking sides here, I'm just saying it's always good to see it from both point of views before jumping to conclusions)

[SunnyWeather]

I think you mentioned earlier about how during Thanksgiving he wasn't able to see his mom/dad/sister that day? Maybe that's why he didn't feel 'himself' that night and now maybe this is the time where he's gonna finally see those members of the family and so he's making it a bit more personal?

 

Either way it's not right to just leave you by yourself to plan things at the very last minute. I would talk to him about it, ask him why he wants to go alone so badly, and if you don't like what you hear, give him your side of how you feel and go from there. It'd be different if he told you this a few weeks ago that way you would have had been able to make other plans, but doing this at the last minute is a bit harsh honestly.

 

he sees his mom, dad, and sister as they live nearby, they just were out of town on T day...

 

I've speculated some of his distance on T day was related to him missing his deceased wife, but I'm only guessing. He told me after that he has NEVER introduced a GF to his family before. I asked him about how I thought he was distant and he denied feeling that.

 

When I asked him last night about why he's going without me he said he just wants to be able to do things on his own. It's not like he doesn't ever do things on his own, jeez, I like my independence too. I said that that's fine but this day is special-- to no avail

[ZayKayWill]

he sees his mom, dad, and sister as they live nearby, they just were out of town on T day...

 

I've speculated some of his distance on T day was related to him missing his deceased wife, but I'm only guessing. He told me after that he has NEVER introduced a GF to his family before. I asked him about how I thought he was distant and he denied feeling that.

 

When I asked him last night about why he's going without me he said he just wants to be able to do things on his own. It's not like he doesn't ever do things on his own, jeez, I like my independence too. I said that that's fine but this day is special-- to no avail

 

Huh. Not sure what to tell you at this point, then. He seems inconsiderate of your situation.

[SunnyWeather]

It would piss him off???? What? Does he actually want and expect you to be alone for the holidays?! That's unbelievable. I would do whatever I wanted to do, have an amazing time, and dump this guy for his cold and heartless treatment of you for the holidays.

 

I'm guessing it would piss him off, but you're right. What does he expect? I don't think he thought this through enough and the ramifications. I know that his personality is such that he doesn't like being cornered (who does?) so when I flat out told him that it is not acceptable for him to leave me alone, he dug in deeper his position.

 

I appreciate you validating my initial feelings that it is cold and heartless. I really can't recall being this upset in a loooong time. He just moved in and we were just settling in, and now I have to rearrange my life again? f!

[teamo]

What is his culture? Are you the same culture? Maybe the mother/sisters don't approve and that's why he's reluctant to bring you.

[ZayKayWill]

What is his culture? Are you the same culture? Maybe the mother/sisters don't approve and that's why he's reluctant to bring you.

 

Definitely not a good reason to leave someone hanging....

[teamo]

Definitely not a good reason to leave someone hanging....

 

No not a good reason, but I'm guessing she's in California (left coast) so high chance he might be of a Asian culture? A lot of Asian cultures, the family can be overbearing when someone dates outside the culture. Although, I doubt he'd have moved in with her if that's the case?

[anna121]

The most unacceptable part is his reaction. It shows a lack of care and concern.

 

I don't think you are overreacting one bit. It sounds awful.

[SunnyWeather]

What is his culture? Are you the same culture? Maybe the mother/sisters don't approve and that's why he's reluctant to bring you.

 

He's Persian (which, pardon me if you already know this as many Americans do not, is quite different from other Middle Eastern cultures, including language and customs), and I'm American/Italian. His family has been in the States for decades. He's only recently arrived to the US but has lived in other Western countries for years. Our cultures are really not that different in many regards except his can be more conservative than many Italians, especially Italian/American. Yet, in some ways, quite outlandish compared to native Italians.

 

You may right about something, I think. I've met his sister a couple of times, just last weekend in fact, and I do not get the most warm and fuzzy feelings from her. SHE'S the one who called him over the weekend to invite him to the event. She's the one who pulls the strings in the family. He answers to her and feels indebted to her. I steer clear and am always pleasant and neutral with her.

 

I've not met his mom or dad, but I know he talks to her about me. Yes, I would be meeting both of them on Christmas, which I'm sure factors into this. I have to ask, however, if he can live with me and be my committed partner in most every way, then why can't he introduce us? I know to Persians who are known to have a bit of a close-knit tribe mentality at times, it is huge deal to introduce someone to the family. The fact is, I've already met many of them.

Edited December 21, 2016 by SunnyWeather

[Gaeta]

I think you have much bigger problems than just spending Xmas without him and here is why.

 

 

 

A little background. We've been together for about 9 months now,

 

about a month since he officially moved in, and I have to say, it's been a pretty bumpy ride adjusting these last few weeks,

 

He comes from a pretty traditional background and is new to the States.

 

We spent Thanksgiving together at his extended family's house, which was a BIG deal for him to introduce me to them

 

. His mother, father and sister whom he is really close to, however, were not there due to attending to business abroad.

 

When I think about that night, I honestly can say something felt off with him; he was distant and not really attentive nor overly excited to have me with him, at least that is what I subtly felt that night...

 

.

 

First, you 2 are not new to life so why did you move in together so fast? You are both adults with a past so you know it takes more than 9 months to get to know someone. Your difficulties to adapt to living together shows just that.

 

People that are very traditional DO bring their GF along to ANY family event. The fact it was a big deal for him to introduce you to his 'extended' family after 9 months together is bad news.

 

I have a feeling he doesn't want to bring you over to family at Xmas because his close family (parents and siblings) and that means your relationships is pretty serious. Are you sure his immediate family even know you've moved in together?

 

Why weren't you introduce to family before 9 months?

 

Are you and him of the same culture?

 

It almost feels like you think you're in a serious relationship but he's not. It actually comes across as he is using you for what ever reason. Does he work? Again why did you move in to fast?

[dumbass2]

What he is doing is beyond crappy at this point in the relationship with you. I hope that you are able to leave and go somewhere else and be able to tell him so. You have tried talking with him. You have told him how you feel. He doesn't care and is being selfish beyond belief. Now he needs to learn a lesson. If he gets upset with you leaving to go somewhere, that may trigger it. There has to be a consequence for his actions or else it will happen again. It almost sounds like his sister might not be approving of you? He is influenced too much by her? This might be something hard to overcome.

[Gaeta]

He's Persian (which, pardon me if you already know this as many Americans do not, is quite different from other Middle Eastern cultures, including language and customs), and I'm American/Italian. His family has been in the States for decades. He's only recently arrived to the US but has lived in other Western countries for years. Our cultures are really not that different in many regards except his can be more conservative than many Italians, especially Italian/American. Yet, in some ways, quite outlandish compared to native Italians.

 

Sorry I missed that info.

 

Maybe his family does not approve of him dating outside his culture especially that he is an immigrant of first generation. What is his status in your country?

[amaysngrace]

It's a shame that you two didn't discuss holiday plans a while back but I'm not seeing how this is all his fault.

 

You could have asked him about it rather than just assume you'd just go and do whatever he wanted to do or is that the general tone in your relationship?

 

Something seems really off that you two didn't discuss plans prior to now.

[Gaeta]

 

Something seems really off that you two didn't discuss plans prior to now.

 

Well.....They live together they're not just dating. In my culture once you live with someone you are part of their family and it's automatic you spend holidays, birthdays and family events together. OP is Italian, I am French, maybe that is why we both feel the same way about this.

[SunnyWeather]

Here's something else I didn't mention. On Thanksgiving day my BF called his aunt to get details about going to her home. When he told her he was bringing me she started this hewing and hawing about "oh, she doesn't know anyone, it would be awkward", yack yack squack to the point he could not get in a word edgewise in the 2 minute conversation. In essence, she was telling him NO, you can't bring your girlfriend.

 

My BF was really mad, never seen him like that before, and he told his cousin (her son) that he wasn't going if I'm not invited. I was so proud of him, felt so supported, but also really annoyed about the whole situation, and mortified that I was causing drama without ever having even met these people yet.

 

My BF's brother and SIL also joined in and said they weren't coming either because of her inconsiderate behavior. So drama ensued (jeez can't we all just get along? I hate these tedious petty games, maybe that's why I always travel far away for the holidays, lol) and the aunt calls my BF and steps back trying to recover from her faux pas (after learning how long he and I have been together, as though that makes it acceptable now) and off we go to the event.

 

She was gracious to me, apologetic as would be expected, the typical forced social displays of playing the part of the perfect hostess, but it was a bit awkward at first. I was even subjected to the obligatory 3rd degree of questioning during dinner asking (interrogating?) me about what I do for a living, family background etc. I played my part fastidiously. Truth is, I'm well schooled in this behavior after having been married for years to a high-brow Italian family.

 

I thought things went well especially when I knew the secret ingredients to her desert . I've taken a liking to Persian cooking, which if you know anything about it, is really complicated and unique.

 

Perhaps not. These old-schooled cultures have so many layers of proper conduct, and not all of it is genuine.

 

I think now after writing all of this out that it is even more of a blow after having already been to this family's house and not going for Christmas. Maybe I was specifically NOT invited