Recently moved-in together and BF wants to spend Christmas without me

[Gloria25]

yes, it's been over 4 years since he was widowed. He's had flings, dated both here and abroad. When we met, it quickly escalated. We fell in love

 

edit to add: it was a soul crunching experience for him, especially the first 2 years. I'm the first he's opened up to since, but he still had 'friends' and dated.

 

Does he still "grieve" when he's having sex with you?

 

Funny how his widow is a barrier with him moving forward with a woman - but not to share a bed with a woman

[SunnyWeather]

Does he still "grieve" when he's having sex with you?

 

Funny how his widow is a barrier with him moving forward with a woman - but not to share a bed with a woman

 

that's an incredibly insensitive and ignorant thing to say

 

and not every one's end goal is to be married. choosing to live together in a committed relationship is more than just a solution for easy dating.

 

perhaps you might want to look up the word "projecting"

[SunnyWeather]

so, we've had another discussion on this issue. his biggest concern is that given he will be meeting a whole faction of his family he's never met before coupled with how this would be the the first time I would be meeting his parents, doesn't seem like an appropriate time. I asked him, 'why not?" lol

 

I do see his point, somewhat, but I was clear that I will never be able to forgive him if he leaves me on Christmas eve. That if I'm his partner, like he says I am, we should be doing this as a couple- first time meeting parents and extended family or not.

 

So, we're at a stand off now. We are able to better communicate once things settle down, and he's completely exhausted from a long day so I'll let it sit for a day.

 

The larger contextual issue of what this relationship means to each of us is on the table. It's good this has come up now.

 

I told him to think about it, and I"m giving him space to do that. He knows where I stand. He can see how upset I am, and is concerned.

 

Let's just see what happens next...

[anna121]

As you can see, some have nothing to contribute but venom, SunnyWeather. It gets tiresome, and everybody hates it, but, well...you know.

[Gaeta]

so, we've had another discussion on this issue. his biggest concern is that given he will be meeting a whole faction of his family he's never met before coupled with how this would be the the first time I would be meeting his parents, doesn't seem like an appropriate time. I asked him, 'why not?" lol.

 

Exactly, why not !

 

Last Saturday BF and I went to my brother's 50th birthday party. He met 35 family members he had never met before and he met them all at once. At that party was my cousin and his new GF. Her case was worse than my BF, she was meeting family for the very first time and had to remember the name of 40 people!

 

Why does he make it complicated? So what he'll be meeting family for the first time? What does it have to do with anything! He's a grown man isn't he!

 

Sorry but I just see excuses.

[SunnyWeather]

Exactly, why not !

 

Last Saturday BF and I went to my brother's 50th birthday party. He met 35 family members he had never met before and he met them all at once. At that party was my cousin and his new GF. Her case was worse than my BF, she was meeting family for the very first time and had to remember the name of 40 people!

 

Why does he make it complicated? So what he'll be meeting family for the first time? What does it have to do with anything! He's a grown man isn't he!

 

Sorry but I just see excuses.

 

for many people, Westerners particularly, that's an obvious perspective to have. I can see him grappling with reconciling his modern ideas and being in the US, with old traditions and protocols that have been done for centuries.

 

I'm giving him space to process. I really don't feel it's an excuse so much as him having reservations about breaking tradition, and wanting to present me to his parents under specific conditions.

 

thank you for your input!

[Lady2163]

that's an incredibly insensitive and ignorant thing to say

 

and not every one's end goal is to be married. choosing to live together in a committed relationship is more than just a solution for easy dating.

 

perhaps you might want to look up the word "projecting"

 

Actually, it isn't. I don't think you are getting the possible deeper meaning of what Gloria is saying.

 

He is willing and able to have sex with you - and you are probably very compatible or you wouldn't have moved forward in the relationship. He is willing to move in with you, which possibly reduces his expenses.

 

Yet, he is also perfectly fine with leaving you alone on Christmas Eve. He knows you're going to be alone, he knows you didn't make other plans, yet he doesn't care how much he is hurting you.

 

This is setting a pattern which can get very bad for you. He IS mistreating you. Never mind revenge, you need to inform him this never happens again. If he doesn't want to celebrate Valentine's Day or Easter or anything else like that with you or including you, then you have two choices. 1. Accept this as his limitations and make damn sure he doesn't disrespect you any other way and no whining about it or 2. Tell him he needs to move out and get his own place if he's just not ready for the commitment of being a couple.

 

I know you're in distress, but your writing reads....a bit immature. I'm not saying you're an irresponsible person, just something is a touch off. I think you might benefit from some interpersonal communication books, sessions or something. I'm a lot better at communicating my wants, needs, desires and minimal expectation at 50 than I was at 30.

 

And I will tell you....a lot widowers manipulate in ways you can't imagine. They are often the worst players in the dating pool.

[SoleMate]

Sure, that family has Persian heritage and it affects their thinking. They've also been in the US for decades and have experienced several intermarriages within the family. It's not at all clear to me that there is a legitimate cultural bar to your attendance at the family events. By legitimate, I mean one that applies even though you are the socially acceptable and accepted consort and companion of the widower.

 

I suspect it's something much worse.....you're not included because you aren't actually a serious partner in his eyes. In US culture, when an adult has a potential or serious conflict with his FOO about acceptance of a partner, the partner wins (and that's typically enacted by the partner walking out permanently if acceptance is not forthcoming).

 

Whether this is a widower thing or a Persian thing or an idiosyncratic family thing, I really can't say. But we do know for sure that when it's your reasonable feelings vs. the whim of FOO, you lose.

 

Like you say, living together makes it very difficult to express your disapproval by walking out. So at this point, if I were you, I'd be packing not just my bags for a solo holiday, but also all my clothes and furniture for an early move-out date. Best wishes in whatever you decide.

[IfonlyIknew]

That's NOT okay. I'm 100% with your feelings on this. At this point if you even went, I'd wonder if it's because he felt forced. His family will be asking about you don't you think? That is ridiculous and I'd feel so abandoned if I wasn't invited that is just flat out heartless.

[Gaeta]

for many people, Westerners particularly, that's an obvious perspective to have. I can see him grappling with reconciling his modern ideas and being in the US, with old traditions and protocols that have been done for centuries.

 

 

Again, he is not new to western traditions.

 

I have dated several foreigners and I am in a relationship with a man that is from another culture and I don't let cultural differences excuses blind me anymore. This is a grown up man in 2016 who lived around the world in Western culture. He's not just coming out of Timbuktu. He confronted his family for Thanks Giving, the ice is broken already. If he doesn't take you along at Xmas it's because it's his choice.

[VeveCakes]

oh reminders of last Christmas for me.

 

Boyfriend of 2 months didn't even want to see me on Christmas even though we spent every single day together. The real reason was, he had to go have Christmas with his ex gf!

 

I don't care what the excuse. Leaving your partner alone on Christmas eve and christmas is the coldest thing you could do, and I don't even care to celebrate the Holiday!

 

Sorry this is happening OP, but I believe his reasons are BS. He sounds like a selfish coward.

[Redhead14]

Am I wrong to feel so upset?

 

A little background. We've been together for about 9 months now, and were spending everyday together so thought it was time to move in together and make it official. It's been about a month since he officially moved in, and I have to say, it's been a pretty bumpy ride adjusting these last few weeks, but not without joy and happiness of living together.

 

He comes from a pretty traditional background and is new to the States. We spent Thanksgiving together at his extended family's house, which was a BIG deal for him to introduce me to them. His mother, father and sister whom he is really close to, however, were not there due to attending to business abroad. When I think about that night, I honestly can say something felt off with him; he was distant and not really attentive nor overly excited to have me with him, at least that is what I subtly felt that night...

 

SO, now it's Christmas, and again he's got a huge family occasion to attend. He just told me about it Sunday, and was vague about the details. I didn't press it much at first because I figured, of course I'm going to go with him, this is what live-in couples do together, right? When I confirmed the details about Christmas eve, he made it clear he was going without me.

 

At first I was totally dumbstruck, then as it sank in, devastated. I waited a day to approach it, needing to think it out and after, concluded that this is NOT ok for him to leave me alone Christmas eve. He dug in further and said that he should be able to do things on his own when he wants to, and he's going to his extended family's event without me. Period.

 

Needless to say, I'm crushed on many levels. I normally travel during the holidays to avoid the forced festivities, it's a personal tradition I started since the end of my long-term marriage 7 years ago. I didn't make any plans this years as I was looking forward to sharing it with him- we do everything else together now, of course we would spend this long weekend celebrating together, right? Instead, I find out I'm going to spend one of the biggest holidays of the year alone and without my love ? wth?

 

This feels wrong! Or am I over reacting?

 

In my heart, I feel the relationship is over if he goes without me. But, on the other hand, if he were to concede and bring me, I can't help feeling like he will feel he was forced into doing so, and will resent me. Either way, it feels doomed. Just the fact that he wanted to do this is upsetting.

 

Oh dear, I'm in a rough spot and its not comfortable. I welcome your insights and suggestions. I'm totally lost and profoundly sad about this new development.

 

Sounds to me like he just views your living together as roommates . . . have you met his parents and family before? Does he usually include you in events, etc?

[Shining One]

Whenever I see these threads, I think of the arguments like this: Person A wants X and Person B wants Y. X and Y are mutually exclusive. Who's wants matter more in this situation?

 

My girlfriend of 2+ years and I have spent holidays apart and together. We discuss them ahead of time and make our plans accordingly. To date, neither of us has complained about not being able to spend a specific holiday together. She doesn't care that I spend a week away from her because she has me the other three weeks of the month.

 

I think it was wrong of him to wait until the last minute to tell you he had made plans without you, thus preventing you from making plans of your own.

[SunnyWeather]

Hello Community and Merry Christmas

 

Thought I've give an update about this situation.

 

I let it rest for a day and gave him space to think about all I had said, and for me also to try to understand some of where he was coming from.

 

When I reached the point of surrender, realizing I'd only want to go IF HE WANTED ME TO and not out of obligation, he came to me and said he wants to be with me on Christmas and asked if I would come with him. It was really sweet the way he asked; he has a formality with some things that I find incredibly endearing.

 

This wasn't just about going to his family's event (in his mind) it was also about introducing me to his parents for the first time--it's a really big deal for him. The only other woman he's done this with before was his now-deceased wife.

 

When I realized the ramifications of him asking me to come with him, I started to secretly panic!

 

So that's how it stands. We're busy today buying gifts for his nephews and flowers for the grandma. I have to figure out now what to wear!

 

The take away from this for me is I was able to step back and let him have space to understand my position and let him make a choice. He chose to deepen our relationship and take a next step even if it meant doing so under conditions he would have preferred to be different. We just moved in together and the holidays added an additional pressure, but it appears we smoothed out this bump.

 

Thank you all for your input, it helped me to sort out things and gain a more neutral perspective.

 

feliz navidad, buon natale, merry christmas!

[dumbass2]

Wow, you handled this perfectly and congrats!. Most people would not handle the way you did and be passive aggressive, but it really was an issue for you and you let him know and gave him time to make the decision. He just proved a lot to you. He listened and understood your point of view and how much it meant to you. That is awesome and bods well for the future.

[SunnyWeather]

Wow, you handled this perfectly and congrats!. Most people would not handle the way you did and be passive aggressive, but it really was an issue for you and you let him know and gave him time to make the decision. He just proved a lot to you. He listened and understood your point of view and how much it meant to you. That is awesome and bods well for the future.

 

thank you! it's so amazing experiencing this love affair continue to blossom

 

we both are learning so much about each other and ourselves. one of the trickiest aspects is responding rather than reacting, and changing old ingrained behaviors we each had with our past mates.

 

merry christmas!

Edited December 24, 2016 by SunnyWeather

[Gaeta]

I am happy it unfolded positively.

 

Joyeux Noël !

[SunnyWeather]

Thanks Gaeta! Your perspective reminded me of the fact that he had lived in countries where they celebrate xmas, thus eliminating the culturally- ignorant excuse. Remembering that little tidbit was the point when I surrendered to the bigger picture and let his choices communicate where we stood, and also let determine what I was going to do as a result in a clear-headed way.

 

The night was really special. The folks I had already met were happy to see me, and I them. Meeting his mom and dad (who don't really speak much English) was relaxed and they seemed happy to meet me--they both communicated in the best way they could how happy they are that I'm with their son (who's had a pretty rough couple of years).

 

The night was even a bit magical, that soft, warm-hearted christmas glow sparkled with lively feasting and laughter. On the way home he smiled in a deep, contented way and turned to me and said, "I'm so happy I asked you to come with me, it wouldn't have been the same without you. I can't believe I even thought of not bringing you".

Edited December 25, 2016 by SunnyWeather

[Mrlonelyone]

It is good this worked out for you. IME after about that long of being together if they don't want to spend the holiday's with you that is a bad sign. I have known couples where even a year or two into it they did not spend holidays together. Maybe spend it with one or the others family.... nope. They always ended up breaking up.

 

I have been in on RL ship where that many months in she wanted to plan Christmas ... in April and May. :/