Friends don't care...

[thecrucible]

Basically my question is related to what to do about friendships. Childhood friends of mine hurt me recently. It was my birthday about a month ago and I was trying to organise a get together of all of us - maybe go out for a meal or something like that. I'd seen that a gig was on and posted a group chat about a few weeks advance asking if people were interested. They both said they could come. I replied and said I could go and buy tickets and you all reimburse me but no response. Then one said she'd decided to do look after a cousin that weekend even though she said she could come. I decided to let it go but I was disappointed. I know family stuff can come up sometimes.

 

Friend #1

 

I made arrangements to meet one of them by herself for a day out looking around the shops. Then while we were in the mall she texted a girl she's just become friends with who's 10 years younger than us and works in the mall and had just finished her shift and asked if she could come by and say hello. I agreed but then she hung around the whole time. My friend kept saying "If you don't like her, I can ask her to go anyway" but I obviously wasn't going to do that because then I'd look like I was against her, which I'm not. So I was put in an impossible position. I was kind of upset about this. I stayed civil but I didn't reply to her text for a few days asking if I had fun. I just changed the topic. It's been funny with us ever since but I don't feel like she acknowledges how she came across at all. She's annoyed at me and I don't know why when I feel like she is in the wrong.

 

Friend #2

 

I get on with this friend pretty well and I don't want to fall out with her but I'd arranged to meet her, also for my birthday, for a meal out. I arrived at the restaurant to meet her. And she brought her boyfriend. Again I have nothing against her boyfriend and he paid for our meal which he didn't have to and I thanked him profusely for. I just wish she had asked if he could come along, and not just turned up with him without telling me. Again I feel like I can't say anything because it'll look like I'm against her boyfriend which I'm not at all.

 

So there's this Christmas Eve party happening at Friend #1's apartment and with a big group of people. I honestly don't feel like going though. I just feel pretty hard done by. Anyway, I'm not sure what to do. Should I just ignore this whole thing, and just branch out and look for other friendships? I just find it really difficult because they'll be up for doing anything which involves a night out/drinking/their boyfriends being there. If I suggest anything different, it's like pulling teeth trying to get sober adult company.

 

Any advice loveshack people?

[preraph]

I think your critical error was saying you were buying tickets for something and then asking them to pay for it. Here's why. First, I don't know how expensive, and I don't know if it's anything any of them were interested in, so both those things could easily have made someone decide "no."

 

If your friends wanted to all get together and do something nice for you on your birthday, something special, they could have done that themselves. The fact they weren't proactive suggesting "What do you want to do for your BD?" is telling.

 

Now, I too have to organize any BD get-togethers for myself, which I still say is lame. In fact, it was a tradition I did for 30 years and I stopped 2 years ago because I could see the look on close friends' faces like they might not want to do something ON my birthday and would rather take their time and eventually work in a gift or birthday lunch when it's convenient to THEM. Now, do I like that? No, I do not. I like my birthDAY to be special and think I ought to get to call the shots, but as people get older, their priorities change and it's too much trouble to get someone to watch the kid or they're too tired after work or they can't or won't eat this and that. Personally, I think when someone gives a month's notice, if they're real friends, they OUGHT to be able to put it on their schedule and deal with it, but if it's irking them, well, making them do it isn't making them like me any better. Or you.

 

I usually just want to go to dinner. Now, one is a diabetic, one is for no reason not eating gluten. I mean, it's one thing or another. And that's fine on THEIR birthday. But on mine, I get to pick and they can eat or not.

 

I suggest you plan something extra special for yourself for either your birthday or one of their birthdays and just go out of town on a nice vacation. Living well is the best revenge for just about any problem....

[thecrucible]

I think your critical error was saying you were buying tickets for something and then asking them to pay for it. Here's why. First, I don't know how expensive, and I don't know if it's anything any of them were interested in, so both those things could easily have made someone decide "no."

 

Well it was for a pretty cheap event (£10 ticket for a gig including a meal). I offered to go out and buy the tickets but I never got that final confirmation. However one friend did tell me he couldn't go because of his shift and asked about doing something a different night. It was a gig for a band we'd already gone together to see so I felt sure they would like it.

 

If your friends wanted to all get together and do something nice for you on your birthday, something special, they could have done that themselves. The fact they weren't proactive suggesting "What do you want to do for your BD?" is telling.

 

I know. I don't feel very popular! Sadly this has always been the case with me but I've putting so much more effort into my friendships the older I get and so I hope that would have earned me a bit more status.

 

but as people get older, their priorities change and it's too much trouble to get someone to watch the kid or they're too tired after work or they can't or won't eat this and that. Personally, I think when someone gives a month's notice, if they're real friends, they OUGHT to be able to put it on their schedule and deal with it, but if it's irking them, well, making them do it isn't making them like me any better. Or you.

 

Yeah I've never gone that route with my friends and I would never attempt to make anyone doing something they didn't want to do (what's the point otherwise?). The thing is a couple my friends don't work so they were free that night or another night to do something. The other friend's kind of flaky. I mentioned to her that I was disappointed no one could come on the night of the gig and we were out doing something else. She said "It's a shame I couldn't go to that a few weeks ago". I responded and said "Well it's tonight but nobody got back to me and so I couldn't get tickets to go to it and now I'm missing it". But then I stopped there haha...didn't want a full scale argument.

 

I suggest you plan something extra special for yourself for either your birthday or one of their birthdays and just go out of town on a nice vacation. Living well is the best revenge for just about any problem....

 

I think I've taken the path of acceptance now. I mean I'm still a little hurt but trying not to have a massive ego about it. I'd love to do something I really want to do and it may have to be just by myself, but hey I gotta do what I gotta do.

[Mysterio]

Write off both situations. Keep track of this and if it happens another two times with both. I would re-evaluate the friendships.

 

They may need to be reduced to aquintances.

[Els]

How close are you to both friends and was it explicitly stated that it was just going to be the two of you in both scenarios?

 

I dunno, I'm an introvert myself so I get the annoyance with new people showing up unannounced, but I've found that it's quite a normal and acceptable thing to do to bring a SO or other friends to a hangout. Obviously, if it was explicitly meant to be a girls' night out thing, then the bf in #2 shouldn't have been invited, but otherwise I don't think it was wrong.

 

Is it expected in your culture/social circles that someone should ask permission to bring someone new to a friends' hangout?

[ASG]

How close are you to both friends and was it explicitly stated that it was just going to be the two of you in both scenarios?

 

I dunno, I'm an introvert myself so I get the annoyance with new people showing up unannounced, but I've found that it's quite a normal and acceptable thing to do to bring a SO or other friends to a hangout. Obviously, if it was explicitly meant to be a girls' night out thing, then the bf in #2 shouldn't have been invited, but otherwise I don't think it was wrong.

 

Is it expected in your culture/social circles that someone should ask permission to bring someone new to a friends' hangout?

 

I'm on the other side of the spectrum... I always think "the more the merrier", unless it's a date. So I can't really relate to the annoyance... It is a chance to meet new people as well!

 

However, OP wasn't happy. But like you've asked... was it explicit that it was a one on one thing??

[amaysngrace]

I'm on the other side of the spectrum... I always think "the more the merrier", unless it's a date. So I can't really relate to the annoyance... It is a chance to meet new people as well!

 

I'm that way too. I don't see the big deal with others showing up.

 

Is it a jealousy thing? I don't get it.

[elaine567]

? I just find it really difficult because they'll be up for doing anything which involves a night out/drinking/their boyfriends being there. If I suggest anything different, it's like pulling teeth trying to get sober adult company.

 

You have come to the stage in your life that those friends are not any good for "sober adult company", so stop trying to get them to fit into every event like a "one friend fits all occasions" type of thing. Don't get upset when it seems they are not interested in what you want to do. Instead you arrange to see them when you want a night out, as that is what they are good at, and find other friends who you can go one on one shopping with, who you can go to dinner with, who you can have an adult discussion with, who you play squash with... etc. etc.

YOU don't have to do everything with the same friend or group of friends especially when your interests may diverge as the years go on.

NO need to fall out with them and deny yourself the party. Go to the party, have a good time and then start looking around for other people to fill in the other gaps in your social life. The new people don't need to be your "bosom buddies" or your "soul mates", just people you enjoy spending some time with.

[thecrucible]

I'm that way too. I don't see the big deal with others showing up.

 

Is it a jealousy thing? I don't get it.

 

Well put it this way. I arrange to meet my friend for a girly day out and it's explicitly arranged this way just between us. And it was for my birthday. And I don't know the other girl very well (although I have no issue with her whatsoever btw) and I've only just met her. She works in the shopping centre and we walked past her shop and I was the one who suggested we pop by and say hello to her since we were out anyway. However I thought that would just be that. She ended up coming along with us and I just felt a bit put out like my company wasn't good enough on its own. Those two have become very close and they get quite absorbed in each other.

 

I've never thought it was a big deal with others showing up for things at all. I just don't like when it's arranged between two people that someone brings someone without telling you.

 

I'm not mad at the other friend at all. I think I was just projecting because of what happened before. Things were getting to me big time. But I've calmed down now and it's not affected my friendships.

[thecrucible]

You have come to the stage in your life that those friends are not any good for "sober adult company", so stop trying to get them to fit into every event like a "one friend fits all occasions" type of thing. Don't get upset when it seems they are not interested in what you want to do. Instead you arrange to see them when you want a night out, as that is what they are good at, and find other friends who you can go one on one shopping with, who you can go to dinner with, who you can have an adult discussion with, who you play squash with... etc. etc.

YOU don't have to do everything with the same friend or group of friends especially when your interests may diverge as the years go on.

NO need to fall out with them and deny yourself the party. Go to the party, have a good time and then start looking around for other people to fill in the other gaps in your social life. The new people don't need to be your "bosom buddies" or your "soul mates", just people you enjoy spending some time with.

 

I get that and that's fine. But sometimes I'm willing to do something I wouldn't normally find very fun because my friend enjoys it. Some of my friends only want to meet in particular bars or stick to their houses, not go anywhere different. It always has to be what they want to do. That's what gets me a bit annoyed. I'm not a forceful person btw so I wouldn't try and get them to do something they don't want to do.

[thecrucible]

How close are you to both friends and was it explicitly stated that it was just going to be the two of you in both scenarios?

 

I've known both friends since High School so since we were 14. I moved away to go to university and only saw them in-between terms. I've been back home for 3 years now so I got back in touch and see them on the regular since then. We don't have everything in common anyway. We're quite different in certain ways so I don't expect them to be 'bosom' buddies like that. In the first scenario, yes. In the second scenario, I didn't say explicitly but since it was my birthday night and the bf is just an acquaintance of mine, I wanted it to be just me and the friend for at least part of the night. My friend and bf are quite huggy and kissy sometimes so it can be awkward to some extent being with a couple.

 

I dunno, I'm an introvert myself so I get the annoyance with new people showing up unannounced, but I've found that it's quite a normal and acceptable thing to do to bring a SO or other friends to a hangout. Obviously, if it was explicitly meant to be a girls' night out thing, then the bf in #2 shouldn't have been invited, but otherwise I don't think it was wrong.

 

No I'm not usually annoyed about that kind of thing. For the past 3 years, I've always hung out with friends and their boyfriends altogether. It's just 'cause it was my birthday, I wanted it to be a girly night. It's a different vibe when there are guys there. I was actually trying to organise a group thing for my birthday too (you'll see I mentioned it in another thread) but it fell through. So after that I decided I just wanted to meet a few girlfriends for a day together, something like that (nothing too huge, just shopping or a meal or something). I'd done this kind of thing just the two or three of us before so it's not unheard of.

[thecrucible]

I'm that way too. I don't see the big deal with others showing up.

 

Is it a jealousy thing? I don't get it.

 

Not as such. Normally not a big deal. I think I just felt quite upset and left out, like my company wasn't good enough on its own. It took me back to certain days at school. I just tried not to cry really. The meet up didn't last long enough for me to feel a bit better. It only lasted a few hours and the friend she said to had to get home early evening so I had agreed with another woman to help supervise some kids in the village hall. It meant leaving in a really rushed way and not really having more time to spend of an evening.

 

Having thought about it, it wasn't about the other girl at all. It was just me feeling disappointed that it'd been so hard to organise something to do on my birthday with my friends. She's told me she was too broke to do stuff and I believed her as I know she has been saving the pennies. But she said to that girl in front of me while I was there "We'll have to organise something for your birthday" and then turned to me and said "you can come too if you like". So yeah that made me feel left out because my birthday had been forgotten in the grand scheme of things, and yet this birthday was deemed more important. It was actually this comment that threw me. I was feeling okay up to that point.

[Els]

In the second scenario, I didn't say explicitly but since it was my birthday night and the bf is just an acquaintance of mine, I wanted it to be just me and the friend for at least part of the night. My friend and bf are quite huggy and kissy sometimes so it can be awkward to some extent being with a couple.

 

 

I think this scenario is just something that you'll have to get used to - couples usually bring each other unless there's a really good reason not to. In the future if you want a girls' night out, explicitly call it a "girls night out" in the invitation.