So upset. I can't handle it. What do I do??

[Ksid13]

Am I over reacting and making this more than I should??? I am so upset my heart is racing, I have a terrible headache, I want to punch someone. My friend's son who isn't even 2 yet, so not very far behind at all, posted a video of him walking for the first time today. He also has down syndrome. A mutual friend posted on the video saying "wow wow wow. love that kid". Ok...so on Sunday, we put my son who is 7, and cannot walk, in his early Christmas present, a device with a harness that allows him to take steps with me. I posted a video. I had 60 people comment with such heart warming, excitement, joy, said they were crying - seeing him up right and experiencing that. This mutual friend made no comment. None. And I am so mad and hurt. like I hate her for it. She had the nerve to ask me when I saw her at school today if we tried him in it again. And what I wanted to say was "why??!!' "why are you even asking? you dont care". I feel so hurt for my son too. it took 6 adults to get him in the device- huge deal, but he didn't deserve a comment??! what the hell.

[anika99]

Yes, you are way over reacting. Social media isn't real life. Sixty people commented with words of encouragement and joy and you want to obsess over one person who didn't comment? Sometimes I comment on friends videos and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I take a peek at Facebook when I'm working but since I'm working I don't have time to post comments. Life is way too short for you to get this upset over something so pointless.

 

And why exactly would you be hurt for your son? Did he read the comments and then cry himself to sleep when he saw that your friend didn't comment?Your son couldn't care less so acting as if your friend somehow hurt him is just being incredibly over dramatic. Please. Again social media isn't real life. If this friend treats you kindly in real life then that's what counts.

Edited December 22, 2016 by anika99

[salparadise]

^Agree. It doesn't mean anything at all. Some people just don't take FB seriously. I am one. I have a wonderful girlfriend that I've been with well over a year and we both have our status as single. It's just a website –– I don't feel any obligation to comment on anything at all. Sometimes I don't even look at it for a week or more. If your friend is a real friend in person, don't ruin it by trying to impose such expectations.

[VeveCakes]

ok...its social media. No one owes you likes or comments or anything.

 

She asked in person which shows she cares WAY more than a FB action ever would.

[butterfly84]

Solely from reading your post, not commenting is not a big deal at all and nothing to get upset about, but from your reaction and how upset you are i am thinking there must be more to this story. Is there some other prior history with this friend where they have done something or said something that wasn't cool?

[preraph]

It sounds to me like she chose the more personal approach of asking you about it in person rather than impersonally on social media. Is your interest in this person more than platonic? Because you seem very defensive, more like a jealous suitor! I know you are probably just having a hard time or maybe you are a little depressed and overreacting to stuff. Anyway, I hope you will remember to take care of yourself, even though you may be overwhelmed taking care of your son and everything else. Don't forget to take care of you.

 

And what a wonderful gift you gave your son!

[Ksid13]

This is a hard time of year...every Christmas I just want good health and a good coming year for myou family. With my middle son's health issues and special needs - we have had horrible terrible winters. February has been ICU in the hospital the last 4 years. Last year he almost died. And I am super full of anxiety over a repeat of that. I feel isolated a lot with what we have to deal with and I know I can be sensitive and take things too personal. It just hurt that she made sure to comment on my other friends video...like it was a bigger deal and my son's experience was not as important. The only reason she asked me in person about it was because I went to her vehicle and gave her a Christmas card. She didn't take it upon herself to reach out and ask. I posted on my son's FB page early this morning- just about struggling and being thankful for the ones who support us and asked for prayers for the next few weeks and at 815 this friend texted me asking if I was ok because she saw the post. I told her not really but I was driving to my youngest sons ENT appt. She said "ok. don't text and drive. know you are loved. it will be ok." She had no idea she was the cause of my emotional breakdown. And I cried all the way to the appt for my son. I just don't get it. Maybe she cares but to not acknowledge something that so many others did when she knows how much my son has struggled...and to make sure and say something when another special needs child did something just really stung. I know she saw it because other wise she wouldn't have asked. I mean it takes 2 seconds to type something. Even if she had texted me later saying she saw it and how awesome or something- and yet today she seemed so concerned. I think I'm just emotionally overwhelmed on general and not handling things the best.

[preraph]

I really think you are being unreasonable marking her down for not making a social media comment when she has otherwise been sounding very supportive in a much more real-life way! Maybe she commented on that other person's because she only HAS contact with them through social media. You need to be sure you're not harboring some extra feelings for this person though. Because your reaction really is over the top (though your feelings of anxiety and fear and sadness and your struggle are not over the top).

[salparadise]

I posted on my son's FB page early this morning- just about struggling and being thankful for the ones who support us and asked for prayers for the next few weeks and at 815 this friend texted me asking if I was ok because she saw the post. I told her not really but I was driving to my youngest sons ENT appt. She said "ok. don't text and drive. know you are loved. it will be ok." She had no idea she was the cause of my emotional breakdown.

 

She is not the cause. You are. Because your expectation is not realistic. You are assigning meaning all by yourself, meaning that no one else is attuned to. Then you're getting upset and concluding that they don't care or are disrespecting you (or something like that).

 

Did you read the responses? Everyone is saying the same thing, but you post again reiterating the same expectation. Please let it go and be grateful for your friend's concern regardless of when or how it's expressed.

 

From our vantage point, it seems like you may be upset about your son's health issues, but projecting those frustrations onto your friend. It's ok to be upset, but you need to be careful about redirecting it onto the people who care about you.

[basil67]

Sending you big hugs Ksid13. I too am a special needs mother and know the struggle it can bring.

 

Now this friend of yours...she's not the cause of your breakdown. The cause of your breakdown is the unrelenting stress and anxiety which your life entails. She was just the straw which broke the proverbial camel's back. You have way bigger problems in your life than a friend who didn't comment on FB.

 

I'm not normally in the habit of drug pushing, but do you take anti-depressants? So many of us SN mums do and we all find they make a very positive difference to our coping ability. Feel free to PM if you want to talk more xx

[basil67]

She is not the cause. You are.

 

I'm not intending to be rude, but I have to reiterate part of my last post.

 

The OP is not the cause of her own breakdown. The cause of her breakdown is the unrelenting stress placed on her when trying to support her child in the best way she can.

 

This is a woman who is at breaking point due to no fault of her own. It only takes a straw to tip a person when they get to this point. Only those who have walked in her shoes can have any idea what it's like emotionally.

[anika99]

OP i'm sorry for your struggles but when it comes to this friend you are just not being reasonable.

 

You make it sound like she had some diabolical plan to hurt you by ignoring your post while acknowledging your mutual friends post and that's just not the case. Please think this through. Maybe when your friend saw the other person's post she was just leisurely spending time on the internet but when she saw yours she was actually busy doing something else and didn't have time to post. Maybe the phone rang or something else distracted her and she just never came back to it. Maybe she just doesn't care that much for commenting on posts and only rarely does it. Please be reasonable about this.

 

Whatever you do, do not mention this to her. If you try to lay guilt on her for this then she will feel obligated to comment on all of your post and she will resent that. She hasn't done anything wrong, she has done nothing to feel bad about. Keep this to yourself unless you want to start alienating your friends.

[whichwayisup]

Am I over reacting and making this more than I should??? I am so upset my heart is racing, I have a terrible headache, I want to punch someone. My friend's son who isn't even 2 yet, so not very far behind at all, posted a video of him walking for the first time today. He also has down syndrome. A mutual friend posted on the video saying "wow wow wow. love that kid". Ok...so on Sunday, we put my son who is 7, and cannot walk, in his early Christmas present, a device with a harness that allows him to take steps with me. I posted a video. I had 60 people comment with such heart warming, excitement, joy, said they were crying - seeing him up right and experiencing that. This mutual friend made no comment. None. And I am so mad and hurt. like I hate her for it. She had the nerve to ask me when I saw her at school today if we tried him in it again. And what I wanted to say was "why??!!' "why are you even asking? you dont care". I feel so hurt for my son too. it took 6 adults to get him in the device- huge deal, but he didn't deserve a comment??! what the hell.

 

She asked you face to face instead of commenting on facebook. THAT should mean more. Why are comments online more important than face to face interactions?

 

Sorry but you're over reacting.

[TheWhittler]

Its facebook... She may not have even seen the post... I miss loads of stuff on facebook. Its not that I don't care its that there is so much that when you are trying to find the tree in the woods it can get overwhelming.

 

I am sorry you are struggling but I think you would be better off going to see your Doctor than getting so angry and upset with this woman because this is not a "normal" reaction and you are clearly having a tough time.

[Ksid13]

It's not the first time i have felt let down or not cared about - and I do think you are right about overreacting about the post. I think I just really wanted to feel supported and she liked it so I know she saw it, but in the big picture a comment on social media is not that big of a deal. I'm sure my emotions got in the way too.

Now- she ended up texting me last night asking about my youngest sons appt and then asked how I was. I answered about his appt and she replied and then asked again how I was doing. I said "ok. not great and far from my best but I'm ok" A few minutes later she asked "Do you need to talk" And I said talking would be really good but I was getting dinner ready and I would start crying and needed to get kids in bed, and she said ok. And then I said thank you the offer meant a lot and if she had time later I would gladly take her up on it. Well I heard nothing back. So now I just feel bad again. She didn't say sure let's talk when the kids are in bed or tomorrow or tell me anytime to just call or text or that she'd be there. She didn't say she hoped I felt better or had a better night or ask this morning..So maybe I don't talk to her or maybe I lie and say i am fine when I'm not?? I was not and will not mention anything about the FB post. It felt so nice that she checked In but then I feel like well if she really cared why was it so abrupt? I always ask her if I can do anything, tell her i am here to listen when I know she is having a bad day or struggling. And I say I am thinking of her and praying and hoping tomorrow is better and then in the morning I always ask. So I guess I just feel disappointed and sad that she hasnt done the same. Like she had that one tiny window and if I couldn't talk then, then now she doesn't care and isn't there. I guess it's hard when I know what i do or what I would do or say and it's not reciprocal.

[VeveCakes]

OP you seriously need to step back and look at this situation. You are putting all your stress and heartbreak on this person because she didn't comment on your FB post. Really think long and hard about that.

 

It is not her fault you are emotional and upset. You are going to drive people further away from you if you act like this and act as if nothing is good enough.

 

No one owes you anything. Once you start to realize this you will be more at peace.

[whichwayisup]

Now- she ended up texting me last night asking about my youngest sons appt and then asked how I was. I answered about his appt and she replied and then asked again how I was doing. I said "ok. not great and far from my best but I'm ok" A few minutes later she asked "Do you need to talk" And I said talking would be really good but I was getting dinner ready and I would start crying and needed to get kids in bed, and she said ok. And then I said thank you the offer meant a lot and if she had time later I would gladly take her up on it. Well I heard nothing back. So now I just feel bad again. She didn't say sure let's talk when the kids are in bed or tomorrow or tell me anytime to just call or text or that she'd be there. She didn't say she hoped I felt better or had a better night or ask this morning..So maybe I don't talk to her or maybe I lie and say i am fine when I'm not??

 

There's no pleasing you. No matter what you're going to be disappointed or feel let down by everybody. People have their own lives, their own problems and get busy. She reached out to you, and now you're angry that she didn't text you back again and show more care?

 

Lower your expectations levels. If want to talk, call her! She offered to talk, you should have called her.

[Ksid13]

I am an encourager and supporter, good listener, I let people I care about know they are loved and appreciated and that they are not alone, that I am always here and will listen and walk with them and pray for them. I check in, I do cards, send thinking of you texts, drop off pick me up snacks and gifts. I remind friends that I am here. So I think I just expect the same in return and when it doesn't happen I assume and put thoughts and feelings on them that they may not have- I assume the message being sent is that I am not important enough or that they matter to me but not vice versa. I don't like to bug people or burden them with my issues and struggles so unless they ask, I don't just say hey can I talk to you or I'm having a bad day. If she had said I could talk to her later last night or today or that she would get in touch when she had some time- but since she didn't reply with anything or say ok sure I'm here whenever you can talk or need to, or if this morning said she had a few minutes or that she just wanted to see if I was doing better, but I know it's a busy time, Christmas Eve tomorrow- so I'm not going to bug her with my problems. I'll just muddle through and deal with things on my own like I do a lot and if she wants to get in touch she can but I'm not saying anything on my end to her. I have a lot to do and will focus on that and trying to have a Merry Christmas and pray my kids stay healthy and no hospital stays. I do have other friends who will be in touch over the weekend. I have them at least.

[VeveCakes]

You need to lower your expectations of others as was mentioned. No one owes you anything. If you do not feel fulfilled by the friendship then don't continue it. It takes two people to make it work. Everyone is busy. It does not seem like this friend is brushing you off. She was making effort. Match the effort instead of being woe is me and sitting around hoping she will text you.

 

Do not rely on others for your happiness. Have a Merry Christmas.

[anika99]

Now- she ended up texting me last night asking about my youngest sons appt and then asked how I was. I answered about his appt and she replied and then asked again how I was doing. I said "ok. not great and far from my best but I'm ok" A few minutes later she asked "Do you need to talk" And I said talking would be really good but I was getting dinner ready and I would start crying and needed to get kids in bed, and she said ok. And then I said thank you the offer meant a lot and if she had time later I would gladly take her up on it.

 

Oh for heavens sake! She was so kind to you. She offered to lend an ear but you were busy. Since you were the one who was busy it was your job to contact her when you were free. Is she really supposed to just keep contacting you over and over again in the hopes that maybe you will have time to tell her your problems? She probably had things she had to tend to and needed to get done as well but in your mind the only thing that she should be doing is chasing you?

 

And I call BS on your image of yourself as being the 100% available! always there for others 100% perfect friend. What if she was the one who needed to talk? Would you have told your kids to make their own dinner and put themselves to bed so you could be free to listen to your friend's problems? When I ask someone if they want to talk and they say no, not right now, then the ball is in their court. I've let them know that they can talk to me and they can decide to call me or not. I'm sure as heck not going to keep contacting them saying how about now? Do you want to talk now? No? Okay how about now? How about tomorrow? It's not my job to chase my friends.

 

You seem to be under a lot of stress and I think you should consider some personal counselling with a professional. Your expectations of your friends are not reasonable. I'm guessing you must be a single mom and I know how lonely and stressful that can get as I was also a single parent. It's tough to be have nobody to share the both the joys and challenges of parenthood with and you have even bigger challenges having a special needs child. I did go for counselling for a while when my kids were little because I felt overwhelmed, alone and scared. I had so much anxiety and I had friends who were supportive but I knew I needed more emotional help than they could give me. Counselling really did help me so please consider it.

[CAlec]

Its social media and with something like facebook, even close friends or family don't have an obligation to comment/like everything you post, even the most personal posts you make.

 

I have very close friends that almost never comment on my posts or even post birthday wishes/congratulation posts for life events. It means nothing at the end of the day if they fail to comment on something like this. Really all that matters is real life communication between you and your friends. She brought up interest in whether he tried it again, that alone is enough.

 

Some people aren't glued to social media or feel its an important/necessary tool to be involved in someone's life with. You really have to take a step back from this, calm down and start putting less of a focus on what it means if a friend doesn't comment on an important facebook post of yours.

[preraph]

I'm not intending to be rude, but I have to reiterate part of my last post.

 

The OP is not the cause of her own breakdown. The cause of her breakdown is the unrelenting stress placed on her when trying to support her child in the best way she can.

 

This is a woman who is at breaking point due to no fault of her own. It only takes a straw to tip a person when they get to this point. Only those who have walked in her shoes can have any idea what it's like emotionally.

 

That's because it's situational depression just from dealing with it all. Depression can make you angry all the time. It did me.

[preraph]

Ksid13, you really need to be evaluated for depression and probably need to be treated for it with meds in order to make dealing with all this easier.

[butterfly84]

we are all not carbon copies of each other - keep that in mind. the ways you think you are a good friend and show it are different vs. the ways other people will show it. for example when i saw your post about her checking in with you - that was her way of being a good friend and showing she wanted to see how you were doing. instead you're sort of being 'glass half empty' and finding any problem you can in good things. hope that gives some perspective. it can be hard to see things from the other person's shoes when you're balancing a lot on your end so i think that's what is happening here. i agree with the other posters that you should make some time to get yourself some help so that you can be on the road to feeling better.

[anika99]

I read your other thread and was surprised to see that you are not a single parent. You say you are happily married. Is your husband supportive? Do you feel like he is a friend to you? Usually happily married people are not so demanding of their friends. If anything, married people are usually less available to their friends because most of their needs are being met by their spouse and family. I'm not saying married people don't value and cherish their friendships because I know they do, just that their primary focus is on their spouse and kids.