So upset. I can't handle it. What do I do??

[anika99]

You don't have to be so cruel with your words especially when you just get a small snipit of what is going on. It's too hard to write all the stuff that takes place in a relationship or friendship and make it clear so others can be truly objective. Not being in the situation you should be more careful how you come across. I have not bugged or burdened this friend. I just get confused at times and it is because our lives are very different. Yet we have things in common and can talk and share things and have fun when we are together. I have lowered expectations and just think in our 30s and 40s it should not be complicated. I don't need a reply within a certain amount of time - or think frIends need to be there every second or fulfill our every need. Just a simple response or even saying right now isn't a good time can we talk later...mutual caring. I know how crazy and busy life can be and I don't have time for all the people I want to spend time with - but I hope they know it isn't because I don't care or value them or their frindship. I know with most of my friends it's crazy on both ends and we'd love more time to hang out or have a girls night. The issue is with this friend I'm left guessing at that very thing. And I tend to assume the worst and not trust it with her- but I want to. I want it to be a friendship we both enjoy. My oldest is in her youngest's class and he was begging me to ask my friend if her son could come over one day after school- since we never got together over break. So all I did was a quick email just saying "hey, how are you guys feeling? Are you back to being healthy? Brady wanted me to ask you if Joe would like to come over one day after school in the next couple weeks to play for a little while" She did write me back and said THAT she has a terrible cold and asthma and so far her kids are good but she is sure it is probably coming. Let's see how the week goes. That if my middle son got it he would probably be hospitalized. That she has been horrible for 5 days. So she isn't trying to give me the hint that she wants me to back off or that I am some terrible needy friend as some of you claim or that I need to take the hint or that she lied because she didn't want our friendship. Thanks for the negativity.

 

Thanks for the negativity? .....LOL...you are the one who titled this thread "so upset I can't handle it" and you are the one who posted that this friend didn't like your social media post and you were so angry your heart was racing and you wanted to punch someone....all over not getting a like on your post. You are the one who keeps posting about how you are being wronged in this friendship, you are the one who has questioned everything about this friend and you are the one who said she lied. We are responding to your negativity.

 

This isn't an isolated issue. Your first thread in this forum was all about another friend who wasn't meeting your standards. Accept your friends for who the are or don't. If you can't accept them then just move along and find some friends that meet your expectations. It's all so simple, there doesn't need to be this drama.

[Ksid13]

whichwayisup- thank you!!! I think you are right and what you said helped. I know we can't change people - our spouse, parents, friends, kids, coworkers, etc...we can't make them be the person we wish or want them to...we can only change how we react and accept them as is. which can be really hard sometimes. I know I tend to assume and take things personal and read into them - and she may have no clue at all how I am perceiving things. I do know she has like one best friend and not many others - and that she hates social situations- I think friendship is something she honestly isn't good at or used to rather and isn't the type that will just check in and say "hey how was your weekend?" She sorta needs a specific reason to get in touch- and I'm not that way and neither are most of my good friends. We just try to connect more even if very briefly and remember important things going on and such. I have to just let it be what it is and not get hurt or angry or upset if she isn't being or doing what I would or what I think or wish she would.

[whichwayisup]

whichwayisup- thank you!!! I think you are right and what you said helped. I know we can't change people - our spouse, parents, friends, kids, coworkers, etc...we can't make them be the person we wish or want them to...we can only change how we react and accept them as is. which can be really hard sometimes. I know I tend to assume and take things personal and read into them - and she may have no clue at all how I am perceiving things. I do know she has like one best friend and not many others - and that she hates social situations- I think friendship is something she honestly isn't good at or used to rather and isn't the type that will just check in and say "hey how was your weekend?" She sorta needs a specific reason to get in touch- and I'm not that way and neither are most of my good friends. We just try to connect more even if very briefly and remember important things going on and such. I have to just let it be what it is and not get hurt or angry or upset if she isn't being or doing what I would or what I think or wish she would.

 

You're welcome. I'm really glad I got through to you. Just always remember that people have their own lives and even though friendships are important, their spouses and kids are number one and will always come first. Or sometimes they just don't feel up to talking after a busy day, just want to crash on the couch and watch tv and not have to text or talk to friends.

[winny]

I know some people who would do too much for someone else (even if that someone else never asked for it) and then get upset if they don't get anything in return.

 

STOP doing things for others with an expectation attached!!!

 

It is not wrong to not make you a priority. No one owes you anything!

 

Accept it and move on.

 

Also remember this - Not everyone who says nice things on Facebook or likes your pictures, does that for you because they really like you. Most people do it because they want you to like their stuff. It is all selfish!

[stillafool]

whichwayisup- thank you!!! I think you are right and what you said helped. I know we can't change people - our spouse, parents, friends, kids, coworkers, etc...we can't make them be the person we wish or want them to...we can only change how we react and accept them as is. which can be really hard sometimes. I know I tend to assume and take things personal and read into them - and she may have no clue at all how I am perceiving things. I do know she has like one best friend and not many others - and that she hates social situations- I think friendship is something she honestly isn't good at or used to rather and isn't the type that will just check in and say "hey how was your weekend?" She sorta needs a specific reason to get in touch- and I'm not that way and neither are most of my good friends. We just try to connect more even if very briefly and remember important things going on and such. I have to just let it be what it is and not get hurt or angry or upset if she isn't being or doing what I would or what I think or wish she would.

 

I can certainly understand this as I am that way. I don't really call friends but will return phone calls. Sometimes I dread returning phone calls because friends usually want lengthy conversations or want to arrange for a get together and I doubt I will want to. So then I have to come up with an excuse to not hurt their feelings. I am a closet introvert but you'd never know it when you meet me. Let me ask you, why is this friend so important to communicate with when she doesn't respond the way your other friends do? Why not just leave her be and enjoy the friendships of those who are like you?

[GunslingerRoland]

Congratulations to your son on being able to take those assisted steps!

 

I'm not sure if you get any counselling from family disability services where you live, but you may want to talk to them about this issue. It sounds like your isolation due to this, is causing you to have some really misplaced and to be honest irrational feelings of anger towards your friend over some very minor things.

[Ksid13]

Stillafool- Thank you for your reply. And for how you worded it without attacking me or saying I'm so wrong or a bad person. Your question was good too- and I think the reason I feel so hurt and it bothers me so much the way she is so inonsistnt is because she is the only friend I have like that. So I take it super personal because I don't know why or the reason- like what does she think is so terrible about me.if that makes any sense? And because I have been so thoughtful and helping and kind and caring to her- it's like it just does not matter and I do not matter. I think what I realized after reading a book today- its about rejection-- and its me assuming she has certain thoughts and feelings -and then reacting based on that. But I do honestly think a light went off today that this is just her: this is who she is. And I can't change her or make her be the friend I wish she would be to me or see me as the friend I have been to her or tried to be. But that doesn't mean I've done or anything or that something is "wrong" with me or that she truly doesn't care- it's her personality, her management of time, the way she navigates relationships- I know a lot about her and her life and she also is just not normal in social situations and I think chooses alone time over interacting with others when she can- I'm the opposite. I also think she doesn't probably realize the way she comes across or makes me feel. I doubt she gets up and has the goal to make me feel bad and hurt my feelings and make me question that she cares about me or our friendship. Problem is she is my kids doctor so I have to maintain a relationship with her and no-I can't change that. We only have two within an hour drive and they are goo friend and work opposite days so we technically see both. Puts me in a very awkward spot and that's why I can't just let it go or and why it is so complicated. I also see both sides of herbs she is way better at the professional side. She did however butt in and try to give me medical advise a couple yer ago- then got mad and tears me terrible because she didn't like I didn't maybe agree and assumed I stopped taking med's and never talked to me about it- just sent a mean text totally out of GR blue when I thought things were fine so I think it's true thing that she will do the same thing again.

[stillafool]

Yeah, she's probably an introvert as well from what you've described. It may also be that because she is your child's doctor she is afraid to get too close to you as she may think you will ask for favors. Like calling her about your child after hours or expecting preferential treatment. Do you think this could be the case?

[Ksid13]

Actually I don't think so because she was the one who initiated the relationship becoming more of a friendship. she saw on FB two years ago that he had to be direct admitted to the children's hospital icu for a seizure - and she texted me and said she was in the area and wanted to come up and bring me lunch and see him. She was there when he seized again and stayed in the room when they had to intubate him. She told the docs there that I had been a wonderful friend to her and my son was a special patient. That winter because things were so bad for him- she did say we needed more friend stuff and less doctor stuff - but gues which one of us tries to make the effort for friend stuff- see why it's so confusing!!! Then I totally stopped letting her know anything- and even now she will say call me if he gets worse or let me know how he is doing- but I don't. I call the office or just don't say anything. She will see on FB when he's sick and stuff and then she texts me sometimes to ask how he is or see what is going on. I don't want her to ever say I took advantage of the friendship- even if she says tocall anytime. I won't unless absolute emergency and still would really have to think about it. I do remember feeling this same way last winter - that the friendship was not mutual and I was getting really upset. I feel like this is just her and not so much me- but me getting upset isn't going to help anything- whether she cares or not, it's only affecting me and making me not as good of a mom and wife because it gets my emotions all over. I don't think she knows how she makes me feel- and if she did I don't think it would matter. And I can't say anything because of the professional relationship being there so I think that's why I struggle too- I can't talk to her about it if I wanted and I'm not a confrontational person at all. It's just confusing because I never know what version I'm gonna get. She acts like I matter and my kids and then she acts the total opposite. Tells me we are welcome over anytime and just come on in and all this crap and then she won't reply to a text or email - I don't see why it has to be so complicated

[VeveCakes]

So she's a DR? You do realize how busy they are?

[Ksid13]

Yes in fact I do. She tells me about her days and work stuff all the time and she only works two days a week. 8 days a month. Also all her kids are in school full time so her days off she gets all to herself- they also take about 6 trips a year - lots of vacation and she had 10 days off straight over the holidays. I am not clueless that she is busy. I also know what she does with her time and how terrrivoe she is at managing it. She told me she only plans for trips- everything else is fly by the seat of her pants and not til like the day before. Some of her stress she adds to because of that. If she took some time to get organized she wouldn't be so full of chaos. Why do you assume I don't know she is busy? Or that she gets to just use her being a doctor for a cop out when treating people poorly?

[stillafool]

I can see why you are confused. It's like you are being led on and then she changes course on you. You get angry at what she has done, she then reaches out again, you forgive her and think you are moving forward in the friendship only to have her do the same thing to you again. TBH, if I were you after this happened more than three times I probably wouldn't speak to her again; but that's just me. I'm thinking the only thing you can do is give her the same treatment to let her know how it feels. If she calls or texts you again, don't reply.

[stillafool]

Yes in fact I do. She tells me about her days and work stuff all the time and she only works two days a week. 8 days a month. Also all her kids are in school full time so her days off she gets all to herself- they also take about 6 trips a year - lots of vacation and she had 10 days off straight over the holidays. I am not clueless that she is busy. I also know what she does with her time and how terrrivoe she is at managing it. She told me she only plans for trips- everything else is fly by the seat of her pants and not til like the day before. Some of her stress she adds to because of that. If she took some time to get organized she wouldn't be so full of chaos. Why do you assume I don't know she is busy? Or that she gets to just use her being a doctor for a cop out when treating people poorly?

 

Huh??????? No, I didn't assume that.

Edited January 10, 2017 by stillafool

[Ksid13]

That was meant for vevecakes statement about if I knew how busy my friend is being a doctor. Stillafool that is exactly it. And it makes no sense and that is why this friendship is so different and confusing and complicated. Last year when I tried to not reply or only gave one or two word responses like her, she would text me again- me then actually had the nerve to say I was being snippy and prickly. It totally took me off guard and really hurt. I was in tees. It's Ike she is so judgy towards me. But the problem with me not replying at all is Thai have to see her at the office and stuff with my kids and at school pick up. So I'm trying to find some way to make the friendship work without me getting so upset due to her behavior. I had the idea of being nice and asking her later this week about her grandma- before Christmas her grandma fell and had pneumonia and was possibly having surgery and maybe going on hospice - I was going to ask her on her day off how her grandma is doing but then is that being stupid? What if she ignores me or gives me her one word answer me then I end up more upset and frustrated? If this was any other friend I for ire would ask though.

[stillafool]

That was meant for vevecakes statement about if I knew how busy my friend is being a doctor. Stillafool that is exactly it. And it makes no sense and that is why this friendship is so different and confusing and complicated. Last year when I tried to not reply or only gave one or two word responses like her, she would text me again- me then actually had the nerve to say I was being snippy and prickly. It totally took me off guard and really hurt. I was in tees. It's Ike she is so judgy towards me. But the problem with me not replying at all is Thai have to see her at the office and stuff with my kids and at school pick up. So I'm trying to find some way to make the friendship work without me getting so upset due to her behavior. I had the idea of being nice and asking her later this week about her grandma- before Christmas her grandma fell and had pneumonia and was possibly having surgery and maybe going on hospice - I was going to ask her on her day off how her grandma is doing but then is that being stupid? What if she ignores me or gives me her one word answer me then I end up more upset and frustrated? If this was any other friend I for ire would ask though.

 

I wouldn't text or call her to ask her about her grandma; but when you see her at school to pick up the kids I would ask her then. If you call or text she might ignore or give a one word answer that will frustrate you.

[VeveCakes]

Yes in fact I do. She tells me about her days and work stuff all the time and she only works two days a week. 8 days a month. Also all her kids are in school full time so her days off she gets all to herself- they also take about 6 trips a year - lots of vacation and she had 10 days off straight over the holidays. I am not clueless that she is busy. I also know what she does with her time and how terrrivoe she is at managing it. She told me she only plans for trips- everything else is fly by the seat of her pants and not til like the day before. Some of her stress she adds to because of that. If she took some time to get organized she wouldn't be so full of chaos. Why do you assume I don't know she is busy? Or that she gets to just use her being a doctor for a cop out when treating people poorly?

 

She didn't treat you poorly from anything I have read here. I am beginning to think you are a bit obsessed with this woman. I think you should make some space.

[Ksid13]

Stillafool - I had actually decided the same thing and just now saw your reply. I decided I won't be rude or mean - and when we see each other I can inquire about stuff but I'm not making any attempt to reach out or communicate to her otherwise. Funny thing- this morning I posted a pic on FB of my son- with a sign that said "500 Days seizure Free"- this is huge huge huge - a couple years ago we couldn't get through a week and had to call ambulances and be rushed to the hospital more times than I can count. Guess who made a comment- this is what makes it so hard. She was the first one to write a comment too. Said "I'm so happy for him! And you too!" I don't get it at all. That was nice of her I am in complete shock actually- but still sticking to my plan of distancing. Thank you again for listening and helping and your advice!!!!

[olivetree]

OP,

 

I really think that you should get off social media.

It seems to be doing more harm than good.

 

I agree that you do seem obsessed with this woman.

Have you seen a counsellor?

This might help you to deal with the underlying issues that are causing you to focus so much on this woman.

I don't think this is really about HER.

[Ksid13]

It's not anything about an obsession or even social media. Social media is just one example of how inconsistent she is. I don't base friendship on Facebook and actually think it ruins relationship quality. It's just one area though if communication and effort that causes me some feelings of hurt and rejection. Just because she is the one friend I have that I struggle with making sense of what it means to her and how I should look at it and handle it does not make me obsessed. It's that it keeps coming back to the same issue - just in different ways and situations and I'm sick of feeling the way I do. It's not all her- it is however her actions and lack of effort and the friendship being on her terms, etc that causes me to have issues of my own. How I react and respond is up to me, not her, but if she went about things differently- or the way I am used to- there wouldn't be a problem. I'm just trying to figure it out. Probably I am causing some more hurt than necessary because of my perspective or how I'm seeing it from my end. She may have no idea and may not mean to be making feel this way. But I'm fine just letting it be what it is. I'm done analyzing and trying. I'm done thinking about it. Either be my friend or don't. I'm not desperate or begging anyone to.