So upset. I can't handle it. What do I do??

[NuevoYorko]

When I first read this thread, I felt that you were displacing some emotional stress you have because of your son's special needs onto this friend. Then I looked at your other thread, which is not associated with your son's special needs, but again you are angry at a friend for not behaving the way you think they should. Now I have to go along with "this is your problem." Regardless of what goes on with your son and his health, you are putting unrealistic expectations and pressures on your friendships. Good friendships between adults simply don't have this stuff going on. If you don't think the friendships are positive for you, there is no reason you have to maintain them. Otherwise, be happy you have friends and enjoy what the relationships do to enrich your life.

[stillafool]

I am an encourager and supporter, good listener, I let people I care about know they are loved and appreciated and that they are not alone, that I am always here and will listen and walk with them and pray for them. I check in, I do cards, send thinking of you texts, drop off pick me up snacks and gifts. I remind friends that I am here. So I think I just expect the same in return and when it doesn't happen I assume and put thoughts and feelings on them that they may not have- I assume the message being sent is that I am not important enough or that they matter to me but not vice versa. I don't like to bug people or burden them with my issues and struggles so unless they ask, I don't just say hey can I talk to you or I'm having a bad day. If she had said I could talk to her later last night or today or that she would get in touch when she had some time- but since she didn't reply with anything or say ok sure I'm here whenever you can talk or need to, or if this morning said she had a few minutes or that she just wanted to see if I was doing better, but I know it's a busy time, Christmas Eve tomorrow- so I'm not going to bug her with my problems. I'll just muddle through and deal with things on my own like I do a lot and if she wants to get in touch she can but I'm not saying anything on my end to her. I have a lot to do and will focus on that and trying to have a Merry Christmas and pray my kids stay healthy and no hospital stays. I do have other friends who will be in touch over the weekend. I have them at least.

 

 

Is this the same doctor friend you were angry with or another friend?

 

You can't expect people to act like you. Everyone is different and should be accepted for themselves otherwise people do not want to be friends with you. Everyone has problems and stress and everyone is trying to deal with their own lives. Maybe you should lean more on your husband for emotional support rather than your friends. Do you have close relatives to lean on because they would be a better option than friends.

[stillafool]

I read your other thread and was surprised to see that you are not a single parent. You say you are happily married. Is your husband supportive? Do you feel like he is a friend to you? Usually happily married people are not so demanding of their friends. If anything, married people are usually less available to their friends because most of their needs are being met by their spouse and family. I'm not saying married people don't value and cherish their friendships because I know they do, just that their primary focus is on their spouse and kids.

 

Exactly and your friends have their own spouses and family to focus on and give their attention to so you can't expect to lean on them. That's what your husband is for.

[BettyDraper]

Exactly and your friends have their own spouses and family to focus on and give their attention to so you can't expect to lean on them. That's what your husband is for.

 

I've come to realize this as I grow older. When people are married and especially when they have kids, the spouses and children must come first on the list of priorities. I've learned to prioritize my husband so that I don't feel slighted when friends rightfully focus on their hubbies and kids.

 

OP, I'm sorry that you're struggling with the stress of raising your child. It seems like talking to a therapist as well as asking your husband for support would be the best course of action. When people are not getting the help they need from their primary relationships, they tend to expect far too much from their friends and extended family members. I think that you're being unreasonable and overreacting because you don't have the help that you need from your husband. Have you ever considered joining a support group?

[Mittens]

This massive over-reaction to social media reminds me of a friend of mine...I'm 48, he's 32 and he takes it all far too seriously. I've been having serious health problems for the last couple of years and have been spending lots of time at hospital appointments, particularly this year. So I've not been responding to his posts...sometimes, due to the way FB works, I've not even SEEN his posts.

 

The way he reacts has made me pull back from the friendship...the last straw for me was when I got a hysterical text message from him berating me for 'liking' a mutual friend's post and not liking his...I even got told that HE should be my first priority! As I told him, I was actually on my way to the emergency room when he posted...he's also the same regarding phone calls and text messages...I don't speak to my own fiance every day (LDR), so I don't feel the need to talk to him every single ****ing day, but if I don't respond I can end up with 10 calls in less than 2 hours and countless texts.

 

It's not my fault he doesn't have a boyfriend to off load onto. I'm not his substitute ...

 

I'm sorry you are having problems, but as a previous poster has pointed out, you have a husband, he should be the person you turn to first for emotional support. It's not your friend's fault if he's not giving you the level of support you feel you need.

[Ksid13]

My husband is supportive- definitely. But sometimes all we talk about is the stress...and our middle child with all the health issues , plus my youngest with life threatening food allergies- it's a lot to handle and it's hard for us to even go on a date. So I don't want to always add more to his plate when he is the one working full time and his mom is really sick too and it has him extra stressed and worried. I have my mom but she is an hour away.

 

I do have some very good friends that I never doubt or question the validity of our friendship. That's why this one is so hard..I just don't understand why she is so different and hard. Now she did text me after I told her why I was upset with the reason she asked if I was ok. And she said she loved me and thought I was wonderful and a great friend and the best mom. But since then I never heard over the holidays at all. No Merry Christmas or do you have fun new year plans or how is break going. She said before Christmas that we should get together over break with our kid's. I never heard a word.

 

Yesterday I texted her about a funny situation where a person we ordered a trampoline from had said another family near us got thE same and as he described them we knew it was this same friend. my husband told me to text her. So I did. 2 hours later not a reply are all. I waited another half hour and told her my hubby thought it was funny and to tell her and then I said hope you guys had a nice break. She finally responds and all it says was "you too".

 

This morning I needed to get some info from her about a specialist her son sees because I had to contact them for an appt for my son. And at the end I said "Ethan said to tell Freddie (her puppy) that he still hopes they can have a play date one day. She has been saying this for a while but her kids had strep for 3 weeks. So I get a reply and she tells me about the specialty info and then says that they are sick so Ethan has to wait awhile still to come over. ok. that is fine- if it's true.

 

I saw a FB post Sunday of them skiing. So that makes me think she is lying. Yes they could have got sick in the last 24 hours- but I know I usually tell people what the illness is. So when I replied I said "Oh man bummer you guys are sick. It looks like the kids still were able to have fun skiing though. What do you guys have? Can I help at all? Hopefully the sickness is gone soon. Thanks for the othrr info" And I got no reply to that.

 

Makes me think even more she is lying. if not, why not reply quick and answer me. And if she is lying that is a pretty ****ty thing to lie about. Just say you guys are busy or you will let me know a day that works or maybe in a couple weeks we can plan something. If you don't want to, just say it, don't lie. Cause a liar is definitely someone I do not want or need as a friend or in my life. But there probably is no way I will know...so do I assume she is telling the truth and just mention getting together again in a couple weeks? my feelings are to just be done right now - that she doesn't care what we are up to or how we are or about seeing each other or taking 5 minutes to text last night. she could have told me then that they were sick- if they were.

Edited January 3, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[whichwayisup]

Respectfully you need to chill out and back off from her. She's busy and seems (right now) not want to get together. Like you, she probably has other friends and family she wants to see and spend time with. Just because her view on friendship (towards you) isn't the same as your other friends (whom you should be focusing more on instead of someone who isn't interested) doesn't make her a bad person. Your demands, expectations and assuming she's lying and even questioning her on facebook! The below that you wrote screams of pettiness, insecurity and manipulative. If someone did that to me, I'd back off and probably distance myself from them.

 

So when I replied I said "Oh man bummer you guys are sick. It looks like the kids still were able to have fun skiing though. What do you guys have? Can I help at all? Hopefully the sickness is gone soon. Thanks for the othrr info" And I got no reply to that.

 

You're investing way too much into her and making your expectation level too high, she feels pressured and suffocated by you. Get busy and focus on your other friends.

[stillafool]

Yes she's lying but she's lying to keep from hurting your feelings even more. You are texting her too much. If she doesn't get back to you the first time leave her alone. It's annoying when you are clearly showing someone you want to be left alone until you get back to them and they continue trying to talk to you. Why is this woman so important to be friends with when you have other friends who are supportive? You should lean more on them.

[rester]

... So when I replied I said "Oh man bummer you guys are sick. It looks like the kids still were able to have fun skiing though. What do you guys have? Can I help at all? Hopefully the sickness is gone soon. Thanks for the othrr info" And I got no reply to that.

 

You passive-aggressively accused your friend of lying to you. I wouldn't expect a response to that. Like others have said, you are expecting too much and will only drive your friend farther away with this type of behavior.

[whichwayisup]

You passive-aggressively accused your friend of lying to you. I wouldn't expect a response to that. Like others have said, you are expecting too much and will only drive your friend farther away with this type of behavior.

 

Are you passive with her on a regular basis? Are you negative and complain about stuff a lot with her? If so, that could very well be the reason why she's avoiding you too and as someone else said saying she's busy or the kids are sick is her way of protecting your feelings instead of just telling you she isn't invested in the friendship like you are and so it's easier for her to not respond to you asap and to avoid odd accusations.

[Ksid13]

There is no time when lying is ok. Just say maybe we can plan something in a few weeks. Why would it be fine to out right Lie? And I didn't accuse her. I mentioned they had been skiing and at least they could do that. Also offered to help. She should deal with the problem she created - and step up and admit she lied or answer my email. There was no need to lie and especially by saying they were sick of all things. pick another lie. our kids go to the same school so I would know tomorrow if they are there or home sick. I only texted her once lasthe night in over 2 weeks. How am I doing anything wrong or expecting too much? It's fine though. she has really hurt me if she did lie. for no reason. but she's probably happy about that.

[anika99]

If you have said that you have other supportive friends and you never question their validity. If that's the case then why are you so intently focused on this person? Not every person is going to want to be best friends with you. Accept that this person not going to be your best buddy and accept the friendship she is offering or don't. You have a family and other friends so stop being so weirdly obsessed over this person.

 

I have different kinds of relationships with all of my friends. I usually have just one or two besties that I see and speak with often. They are my go to people and I am theirs. We don't get to see each other as often as we would like because we get busy with our families, our jobs and our own stresses but do try to make time to talk at least a few times a week.

 

Then I have a few friends that I like very much but I see less of them and hear less from them. This is because we are not super close and our time is already spread so thin that there simply isn't room for everyone. Still I like to stay connected to them because I do really like them. When we talk or visit we always really enjoy our time together. These friends are not huge sources of support to me, and I'm not a huge part of their lives either. I have no expectations of these people other than to appreciate that they have a place in my life even though it's small. We don't put pressure on one another, we place no demands, we just enjoy one another whenever we are able to squeeze the time in.

 

This woman has a full life and can't give you the time you are expecting. It doesn't make her a horrible person or a bad friend. She has to prioritize. If she works she may have felt like Christmas was for her family. Its horrible sometimes to be a working mom. Half the time you feel guilty over not having enough time for your own children, never mind your friends. I was a working single mom and my holidays were spent with my children. Not visiting or gabbing on the phone with my friends.

 

You shouldn't have said anything to her about being upset over not liking your social media post. I knew that would push her away. She assured you that you are a great friend and a wonderful mom because she realized that your feelings had been hurt and wanted to make you feel better. She sounds like a very kind person to me. But I suspect that that when she thought about the conversation later it really made her uncomfortable to realize that you would get that upset over a like on social media. I know it would aggravate me to no end if one of my friends had an expectation of me to like their posts on social media and furthermore they are going to get all hurt if I don't. That they are going to judge me as being a poor friend if I neglect to like their post. No, just no. I couldn't handle someone stressing me out over something like that and I would probably start to move away from the friendship.

 

It's not okay to lie but if she did it's because now she knows that she has to treat you with kid gloves. That teeny tiny inconsequential things are taken very personally by you and you will get angry and hurt over any imagined slight. I imagine she will keep making excuses now until you give up and stop contacting her.

[Ksid13]

just to clarify if never told her about the FB post situation. I told her what my sister did and said that had me upset on my son's FB page. So she has no reason to be upset with me.

[stillafool]

My husband is supportive- definitely. But sometimes all we talk about is the stress...and our middle child with all the health issues , plus my youngest with life threatening food allergies- it's a lot to handle and it's hard for us to even go on a date. So I don't want to always add more to his plate when he is the one working full time and his mom is really sick too and it has him extra stressed and worried. I have my mom but she is an hour away.

 

 

It isn't about adding more to your husband's plate; this is what marriage is. We all get stressed and have a lot on our plates but the point of being married is to be there for each other through everything. Most husbands do work full time and if his mom is ill maybe he needs more support from you. With all that is going on in your life I'm surprised you have the time to get upset about a distant friend/your doctor not staying in touch with you.

[stillafool]

She should deal with the problem she created - and step up and admit she lied or answer my email.

 

The truth is she doesn't care enough about you to do this. She is hoping that you get the hint to step back and leave her alone.

[anna121]

 

Yesterday I texted her about a funny situation where a person we ordered a trampoline from had said another family near us got thE same and as he described them we knew it was this same friend. my husband told me to text her. So I did. 2 hours later not a reply are all. I waited another half hour and told her my hubby thought it was funny and to tell her and then I said hope you guys had a nice break. She finally responds and all it says was "you too".

 

 

Unless it is an emergency, I do not even expect my husband to respond to a text within a few hours. Are you seriously saying that there was something wrong with her not replying to your admittedly mundane text immediately?

[Ksid13]

Maybe she doesn't care about me and wants me to leave her alone...then why 2 weeks ago did she text me saying "know you are loved. I think you are wonderful. You are a great friend and mom" And tell me she would love to get together over Christmas break. I did leave her alone and never texted or got in touch with her once or asked if she wanted to get together or anything til that one text on Monday. I don't at all see what reason she would have to lie. And maybe she didn't. Maybe they were sick. But it only takes a second to say something back. Some people just don't care about others feelings as I'm learning and treating them kindly and gently and respectful isn't a priority.

[Ksid13]

and this isn't about my marriage or my husband- the issue is how a so called friend behaves and it isn't about what I do with other friends. Everyone needs friends besides their spouse and you have no idea what our day to day is like- it is not an excuse for her to treat me bad. plus she has told me how awful.her marriage is and maybe i see why now. if this is how she communicates and treats him...no wonder. But it's true I don't need her friendship or need to feel this way- it's giving someone else way too much control. She will be fine without me obviously so I'll just focus on my other friends and be done trying. I've went above and beyond and she knows I care.- so I'm done.

[anika99]

and this isn't about my marriage or my husband- the issue is how a so called friend behaves and it isn't about what I do with other friends. Everyone needs friends besides their spouse and you have no idea what our day to day is like- it is not an excuse for her to treat me bad. plus she has told me how awful.her marriage is and maybe i see why now. if this is how she communicates and treats him...no wonder. But it's true I don't need her friendship or need to feel this way- it's giving someone else way too much control. She will be fine without me obviously so I'll just focus on my other friends and be done trying. I've went above and beyond and she knows I care.- so I'm done.

 

Good. I really think you need to let go of this. If the woman is having marital problems maybe that's part of the reason she can't give you what you need. Other people have problems too. In any case the friendship obviously isn't making you happy and what's the point of having a friend that makes you miserable. You have other friends and you have family, so stop obsessing over this person and be done as you say you plan to do.

[VeveCakes]

I saw a FB post Sunday of them skiing. So that makes me think she is lying. Yes they could have got sick in the last 24 hours- but I know I usually tell people what the illness is. So when I replied I said "Oh man bummer you guys are sick. It looks like the kids still were able to have fun skiing though. What do you guys have? Can I help at all? Hopefully the sickness is gone soon. Thanks for the othrr info" And I got no reply to that.

 

omg...OP.... you should consider removing yourself from FB.

 

I would never reply to such a rude comment which clearly has a secret agenda. I would have probably deleted it actually.

 

Everyone is busy. If you arent getting what you want in this friendship then stop investing so much into it and having such high expectations. You are hating on this person because she doesn't give you the time you think you deserve. Sometimes I text my very close friends and I don't hear back for a few days. I never get mad...we are all busy and that is life.

[stillafool]

and this isn't about my marriage or my husband- the issue is how a so called friend behaves and it isn't about what I do with other friends. Everyone needs friends besides their spouse and you have no idea what our day to day is like- it is not an excuse for her to treat me bad. plus she has told me how awful.her marriage is and maybe i see why now. if this is how she communicates and treats him...no wonder. But it's true I don't need her friendship or need to feel this way- it's giving someone else way too much control. She will be fine without me obviously so I'll just focus on my other friends and be done trying. I've went above and beyond and she knows I care.- so I'm done.

 

I'm glad you finally decided to let this go. You are right in doing so. Good luck to you and your family.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

OMG. Maybe..just maybe.. your friend didn't want your son to come over because she didn't want him to get sick and not because they were all on their death beds. So they went skiing a day or 2 before..doesn't prove anything at all. Yet, you decided to get passive aggressive.

 

It really does seem like you are looking for every reason to be upset with the friend. Seems like your issues with her go pretty deep. Good choice to back off and stop focusing on the "friendship." If you're this stressed about her, it's best to walk away and let things fade or come back organically.

Edited January 4, 2017 by seekingpeaceinlove

[ChatroomHero]

You sound jealous and unstable OP. You appear to have an agenda to catch this friend on something because your life apparently does not define hers.

 

 

We all have friends like you, needy and sensitive and we have to go to great lengths because we like them as people and do care about them a lot of the time we would rather hit our head with a brick than deal with you. That's how your actions make us feel. You become a burden and obligation because we don't do what you want us to do when you want us to do it by reading your mind. You think you are being an amazing friend but from your posts I can tell you are being an amazing PITA. Chill out, you are obviously making this woman want to avoid you and that is because of your actions, not hers.

[Ksid13]

You don't have to be so cruel with your words especially when you just get a small snipit of what is going on. It's too hard to write all the stuff that takes place in a relationship or friendship and make it clear so others can be truly objective. Not being in the situation you should be more careful how you come across. I have not bugged or burdened this friend. I just get confused at times and it is because our lives are very different. Yet we have things in common and can talk and share things and have fun when we are together. I have lowered expectations and just think in our 30s and 40s it should not be complicated. I don't need a reply within a certain amount of time - or think frIends need to be there every second or fulfill our every need. Just a simple response or even saying right now isn't a good time can we talk later...mutual caring. I know how crazy and busy life can be and I don't have time for all the people I want to spend time with - but I hope they know it isn't because I don't care or value them or their frindship. I know with most of my friends it's crazy on both ends and we'd love more time to hang out or have a girls night. The issue is with this friend I'm left guessing at that very thing. And I tend to assume the worst and not trust it with her- but I want to. I want it to be a friendship we both enjoy. My oldest is in her youngest's class and he was begging me to ask my friend if her son could come over one day after school- since we never got together over break. So all I did was a quick email just saying "hey, how are you guys feeling? Are you back to being healthy? Brady wanted me to ask you if Joe would like to come over one day after school in the next couple weeks to play for a little while" She did write me back and said THAT she has a terrible cold and asthma and so far her kids are good but she is sure it is probably coming. Let's see how the week goes. That if my middle son got it he would probably be hospitalized. That she has been horrible for 5 days. So she isn't trying to give me the hint that she wants me to back off or that I am some terrible needy friend as some of you claim or that I need to take the hint or that she lied because she didn't want our friendship. Thanks for the negativity.

[whichwayisup]

I just get confused at times and it is because our lives are very different. Yet we have things in common and can talk and share things and have fun when we are together. I have lowered expectations and just think in our 30s and 40s it should not be complicated.

 

Do you not see your part in this and how you've overreacted? Questioning her motives, questioning if there's trust etc.

 

You said it, your lives are different! And as you see, she is different than you! And that's okay. Allow her to be who she is without you getting upset when you don't hear back from her the same hour or even the same day.

 

I honestly think it comes down to personality and how each of you view friendship. That and you've put her high on your priority list and she's not done the same back. You give a lot and expect a lot back, so when you don't get back what you've hoped for, you get upset and feel hurt, then start to question if she's for real or not, etc..etc.. That's unhealthy thinking and will only keep the friendship in a bad dynamic.

 

Just accept what she gives you and don't put any expectations/pressures on her.