He kissed his flatmate. Should i give him a second chance?

[LAD15]

Hello readers thank you for giving my post a chance.

 

Tonight my boyfriend came over and told me that he kissed his flatmate. They had been close friends and he said that night they had a tension and so he kissed her. He felt stupid and he regretted it right away. He said he was so guilty that he couldn’t sleep and couldn’t keep it longer to say it to me. He told me he had been feeling claustrophobic because he thought i was being too sweet and she understood his feeling. He could talk to her anytime and he felt like i was keeping him outside of my personal life (feelings and thoughts). He felt lonely. My justification is that i had been cheated on before numerous times by the same exboyfriend. Consequently, i became insecure and afraid of sharing my feelings. I was already suspicious about him and her and i told him that recently, but only generally. I asked the flatmate about it and she said she had a little crush on him these past couple of months, but she never meant to steal him. She only wants things to be the way they used to be. Now i’m conflicted. Deep down i know he’s genuine and honest. I know i can forgive him. But also i don’t want to make the same mistakes i did with the previous boyfriend. I don’t want to end up getting hurt and burnt again and again. Please tell me, what’s the best way to deal with this?

[BAcK]

Maybe he genuinely regrets it but trust me, being a man myself I can assure you that he will do it again.

Once you have crossed that boundary with a girl, it is never the same. This is from personal experience.

And the worst is that they are flatmates. I wonder how long will they fight that temptation. You know what to do next.

[elaine567]

They had been close friends and he said that night they had a tension and so he kissed her.

 

Please tell me, what’s the best way to deal with this?

 

That "tension" has probably been building up for weeks, months or maybe even years depending on how long they have known each other.

By kissing (if that is as far as they got) they crossed the line.

The fact she has a crush and they live together makes it likely it may happen again at "a weak moment".

I say likely, not guaranteed obviously, but can you really afford to take the chance?

[AT15]

You're feeling maybe if you dump him, he'll go to her and start a relationship. You're feeling if you stay with him, you'll always be wondering what will happen between them when you're not there...

 

I would consider taking some time away from him and the relationship at the very least to think about it.

 

Dating a cheater is always a mixed bag. You never know when the other shoe will drop. You'll never have peace of mind. You'll start digging for signs. It may increase your insecurities and you may become clingy or worse accusatory.

 

You're in a tough spot, but it's not your fault. Take the road that will bring you the most peace.

[salparadise]

He could talk to her anytime and he felt like i was keeping him outside of my personal life (feelings and thoughts). He felt lonely. My justification is that i had been cheated on before numerous times by the same exboyfriend. Consequently, i became insecure and afraid of sharing my feelings.

 

This insecurity and fear of vulnerability seems to have become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can't be all-in and hold back for self-protection at the same time. Sharing your feelings is fundamental to an intimate relationship. It's the definition of intimacy. You can justify all you want, but do you really think you can sustain a relationship without letting the guy inside your hula-hoop? If you were sharing feelings and going deep with him, he may not have any need to share with the flatmate. She seems to have unintentionally filled that gap because both she and your boyfriend have the need and capacity for deeper intimacy.

 

 

I was already suspicious about him and her and i told him that recently, but only generally. I asked the flatmate about it and she said she had a little crush on him these past couple of months, but she never meant to steal him.

 

Friendly flatmates, cross-sex platonic friends... doesn't matter what you call it, when men and women meet certain criteria (age, attractiveness, proximity) and start sharing feelings, building trust and intimacy, biology has a way of setting the agenda and getting its own way. I can definitely see how this could happen even though not intentional for either of them.

 

Deep down i know he’s genuine and honest. I know i can forgive him. But also i don’t want to make the same mistakes i did with the previous boyfriend. I don’t want to end up getting hurt and burnt again and again. Please tell me, what’s the best way to deal with this?

 

The only way you can ensure you'll never get "burnt or hurt again" is to close yourself off completely and avoid intimacy like the plague. You seem to have a pretty good understanding of that. But if you want to have love in your life you have to be willing to risk a broken heart, regardless of the fact that you already know how painful it can be. Risk and guarantees are mutually exclusive. Love and vulnerability are two sides of the same coin.

 

If you want love in your life (and who doesn't), you need to learn to not take so much counsel of your fears. Yea, I know, easier said than done. If self-protection by closing off your emotions is your relationship strategy, you need to get into therapy. Seriously. How was your relationship with your mother (and father)? Usually the ability to tolerate this kind of vulnerability is developed in early childhood through secure maternal bonding.

 

If your boyfriend wants to be all-in with you, as it seems he does based on his confession, then I think either he or the flatmate has to go. There is way too much opportunity for both emotional and physical intimacy with them living together. And I think you need some new perspective and understanding of what kinds of needs people have (men and women) and how strong emotional attachments are developed and maintained. Make an appointment, and best of luck with the situation.