Getting over my insecurity and unrealistic expectations of men?

[hermitcrab]

I was wondering if anyone had any advice of getting over my insecurities and unrealistic expectations of men?

I am single now, and really want to work on this before I look for another relationship but am not sure how to change my mindset.

I am pretty insecure. In my past few relationships, whenever the person I'm dating would comment how attractive another woman was I would panic, feel like I'm not good enough, I'm not skinny enough, not pretty enough, they would gladly leave me for them etc. I have a hard time not thinking that way.

I guess I expect that once someone says they love me and only want to be with me, all the other women won't be as important to them. But the other women are always very important to them - they will spend forever viewing porn and getting off to other women and collect possibly hundreds of videos and pictures to jerk off to. When they see an attractive woman they will smile and/or make a comment, and most likely think about how much they'd love to **** them. This stuff bothers me. How can I get used to this, not take this so personal and not take it as I'm not good enough and not feel like they're going to leave me?

[elaine567]

Not all men are like the insensitive, abusive, toxic jerk that you were involved with the last time.

The trick is zero tolerance for behaviour you find upsetting.

You allowed that man to chip away at your self esteem, do not allow that to happen again.

[hermitcrab]

Not all men are like the insensitive, abusive, toxic jerk that you were involved with the last time.

The trick is zero tolerance for behaviour you find upsetting.

You allowed that man to chip away at your self esteem, do not allow that to happen again.

 

True, but, I keep thinking even if I meet a good guy out there, there will always be this thing of him wanting other women. If I don't get over my insecurities I will keep feeling like crap when I see a future bf check someone out, or if I come across their porn, etc. I feel like even the "good guys" will do this in a relationship. I wish it didn't bother me.

[elaine567]

True, but, I keep thinking even if I meet a good guy out there, there will always be this thing of him wanting other women. If I don't get over my insecurities I will keep feeling like crap when I see a future bf check someone out, or if I come across their porn, etc. I feel like even the "good guys" will do this in a relationship. I wish it didn't bother me.

 

You need to work on building up your own self esteem, before you get involved with any more guys.

[salparadise]

I was wondering if anyone had any advice of getting over my insecurities and unrealistic expectations of men?

I am single now, and really want to work on this before I look for another relationship but am not sure how to change my mindset.

I am pretty insecure. In my past few relationships, whenever the person I'm dating would comment how attractive another woman was I would panic, feel like I'm not good enough, I'm not skinny enough, not pretty enough, they would gladly leave me for them etc. I have a hard time not thinking that way.

I guess I expect that once someone says they love me and only want to be with me, all the other women won't be as important to them. But the other women are always very important to them - they will spend forever viewing porn and getting off to other women and collect possibly hundreds of videos and pictures to jerk off to. When they see an attractive woman they will smile and/or make a comment, and most likely think about how much they'd love to **** them. This stuff bothers me. How can I get used to this, not take this so personal and not take it as I'm not good enough and not feel like they're going to leave me?

 

 

You have two separate problems, even though they're somewhat related. First, this expectation that "once someone says they love me and only want to be with me, all the other women won't be as important to them" is true in one sense, but you seem to be taking it too literally and extending it too far, as in... a) they will no longer have any interest in porn, and b) they will no longer find any other woman attractive. Porn and masturbation is not necessarily a problem... only if you make it an issue, or if it's obsessive to the point of interfering with the relationship. Being in a relationship or being "in love" does not cause men to stop seeing other women as attractive, it means they've made the choice to be exclusive with you. With most men it also means they will respect you by not ogling other women or overtly flirting and paying them a lot of attention. Not being as important is a fair statement, but it seem like your expectation goes well beyond that.

 

If you've had relationship issues of this type in the past, you need to assess how much was the guy's behavior and how much was your own insecurity. If a guy would rather masturbate to porn than have sex with you, that's his problem. If you expect him to never look at porn or masturbate, it's yours. If a guy ogles every attractive woman in an obvious way, and openly flirts and pays attention to other women, that's his problem. If you're just afraid of what might be going through his mind when an attractive woman walks by, it's yours.

 

Try not to assign blame from issues with past boyfriends to others you date. If a guy's behaviors are inappropriate, don't hang around hoping he'll suddenly change––walk away with your dignity. If your insecurities regarding these issues are extreme, you may need to work on them in therapy. The short answer to your first question is therapy.

[whichwayisup]

I was wondering if anyone had any advice of getting over my insecurities and unrealistic expectations of men?

I am single now, and really want to work on this before I look for another relationship but am not sure how to change my mindset.

I am pretty insecure. In my past few relationships, whenever the person I'm dating would comment how attractive another woman was I would panic, feel like I'm not good enough, I'm not skinny enough, not pretty enough, they would gladly leave me for them etc. I have a hard time not thinking that way.

I guess I expect that once someone says they love me and only want to be with me, all the other women won't be as important to them. But the other women are always very important to them - they will spend forever viewing porn and getting off to other women and collect possibly hundreds of videos and pictures to jerk off to. When they see an attractive woman they will smile and/or make a comment, and most likely think about how much they'd love to **** them. This stuff bothers me. How can I get used to this, not take this so personal and not take it as I'm not good enough and not feel like they're going to leave me?

 

You're dating the wrong kind of guy!

 

MOST guys who love their gf don't lust after other women, let alone do what you've described.

 

Be around friends and family who love and accept you, who support you and make you feel good about yourself. Rid of toxic friendships, distance yourself from family members who make you feel bad. Do counseling to help rebuild your self esteem so you can gain confidence and learn to "love" yourself. Never EVER rely on a man to complete you or make you believe that you are beautiful. You have to believe in yourself first.