Ripped apart

[Motoracer]

Hello I'm new to this site, never thought I would need to be here but here I am. I've been with the love of my life for over 20 yrs, married for 10 of them. I first noticed a change in behavior a few months back, she starts sleeping in other bedroom, never wants to have sex, starts coming home late everyday. Claims she's going out with girlfriends after work. I check phone records because I'm feeling suspicious, find a male coworkers number she's talking to everyday on drive to and from work. She goes out of town for a few days for training meeting, I ask if that coworker was there as well she says no. I later find pictures of them on her phone at wineries in that area and a message from him about spending time together there (as one). I couldn't take it anymore, I confronted her about it we had a huge argument she said would stop. I called him and threatened to tell his wife and their employer if it did not stop. He said it was over, would not happen again. Well it is still happening, I'm not sure what to do. She has threatened to leave if I tell anyone, although she is lying and cheating I don't want her to move out in fear that I will lose her forever. I'm torn. Not sure what to do next, can't go on not eating and sleeping, feeling like my guts being ripped out. I have no one to talk to about this. Any suggestions??

[road]

You must expose the affair for it to end. Tell OMW, WW parents and siblings. Also must expose at work. Tell the CEO and the director of HR.

[elaine567]

She has threatened to leave if I tell anyone, although she is lying and cheating I don't want her to move out in fear that I will lose her forever. I'm torn.

 

Do you really want to be a room-mate to a liar and a cheater for ever and ever?

[dichotomy]

I remember this time from my first marriage. So been there done that.

 

Two things I will share

 

1) You will probably divorce anyway. Unless she is very remorseful and works on the marriage - Or - there is huge reasons for you to stay like kids suffering and financial ruin if you divorce. If you stay for what ever reason- your old feelings of love and the marriage will be gone - dead - your dealing with a new marriage.

 

2) If you divorce - Year(s) from now you will probably regret not being more decisive and tossing her out right away - and moving on with your life quickly. I know its hard to do NOW - but I am embarrassed the way I handled cheating and end of my first marriage.

 

 

and ya - go ahead and tell OM's wife. Let your wife then decide to divorce you, since you can't find the power to do it.

[Motoracer]

You must expose the affair for it to end. Tell OMW, WW parents and siblings. Also must expose at work. Tell the CEO and the director of HR.

That is exactly what I plan to do. I think there is another "meeting" planned for tomorrow. I'm going to do some surveillance and if they do meet up I will have more solid evidence to present to the other parties.

[Deeplyhurt30]

Expose the affair at work. I say this if you have exposed it to the persons spouse and see no difference. You need to expose it to both parents as well. I recently had to expose my husbands affair to the other womans spouse because there was no difference in her actions toward him after my confrontation with her...still smiling, acting as though me talking to her was only a "pop on the hand". After exposing her to her family- my husband tells me she doesn't even look in his direction. If this did not work, I also planned to expose to the employer after my husband had found another job .

 

i would also demand full transparency and absolute no contact. If it still continues, that should make your decision easier. It hurts-yes---but enough is enough. No one deserves that after a gift of a second chance.

[oldshirt]

Disclose the A to OMW but hold off on exposing to work superiors for the moment.

 

There is a very high likely hood this will result in divorce because she is almost completely disconnected from you, she has virtually no remorse, she is not ending the A and she is not only lying and gas lighting you, but she is counter attacking and making threats to you.

 

Unless she suddenly transforms into a copletely different person, your marriage has already failed.

 

If she gets fired or leaves her place of employment, you may be required to pay her spousal support in the divorce.

 

You want her fully employed in the event of divorce.

 

If she makes substantially more than you, she may even have to pay you spousal support for awhile.

[40somethingGuy]

I remember this time from my first marriage. So been there done that.

 

Two things I will share

 

1) You will probably divorce anyway. Unless she is very remorseful and works on the marriage - Or - there is huge reasons for you to stay like kids suffering and financial ruin if you divorce. If you stay for what ever reason- your old feelings of love and the marriage will be gone - dead - your dealing with a new marriage.

 

2) If you divorce - Year(s) from now you will probably regret not being more decisive and tossing her out right away - and moving on with your life quickly. I know its hard to do NOW - but I am embarrassed the way I handled cheating and end of my first marriage.

 

 

and ya - go ahead and tell OM's wife. Let your wife then decide to divorce you, since you can't find the power to do it.

 

You will only be seen as weak and accepting (even though you don't accept if that makes sense) if you don't take a major stand now. She will likely threaten to leave. Let her. Who you love is not this person. If she comes around and shows true remorse and tells you all you need and backs it up with action then you may have a chance to salvage. But things will never be like they were before. Sorry, that part is over. Being the strong man who won't put up with that crap is critical. You will likely regret letting her off so soft if you don't take a major stand. Also, make sure you have access to all passwords and unfortunately you will snoop for a long time.

[oldshirt]

....and unless they are directly violating a specific policy at work, most employers couldn't care less if coworkers are bopping each other on offduty time.

 

Some places have fraternization policies against relationships with direct supervisors and subordinates, but very few will actually take any action between regular employees on off-work time.

[oldshirt]

Other than that, what the other posters are telling you is correct.

 

If you give any accommodation or concession at all, you will just be used, manipulated, exploited and cuckolded. You can only protect your interests through strength, zero tolerance and enforcing your boundaries to the letter.

 

Right now she is having her cake and eating it too. She has the fun and excitement of her OM and the comfort and security of marriage. She will try to maitain both.

 

You have to blow this up from all sides. Expose to his wife so that he goes on the defensive to save his own hide. He will likely throw your wife under the bus.

 

Then take away her safety blanket and get a lawyer and draw up divorce papers and ask her to leave the marital home and draw up a temporary custody arrangment for the kids.

 

This will all break her out of the affair fog and bring her back to reality.

 

She will be forced to either follow through with her divorce threats and set you free.

 

Or she will face her demons and address the marital issues.

 

But she won't do any of that if you are weak and allow her to call the shots.

 

If you allow her to call ANY shots, she will try to continue to screw other guys while you provide the comforts and security of a marital home.

[oldshirt]

Also, if the OM dumps her, but you haven't made her pay any real world price for her bad behavior, she will just find some other dude down the road.

 

If you take her back with open arms and foot rubs and hot chocolate in front of the fireplace, that will just reinforce that she can screw other men for fun and you will warmly welcome her back.

[Soxfaninfl]

If you want to save your marriage then the both of you need to attend counseling individually and jointly. You can not fix this situation with out marriage counseling. Your situation is too far gone to fix this without a marriage counselor.

 

If it doesn't work out then you know you did everything possible. I was in your situation with my first wife, so I understand what your going through.

[Motoracer]

Thanks for the great advice. I'm a little reluctant to take this to there employer just yet, he's in management she's in HR. It will get messy, she has begged me not to take this to her CEO which is what I told them I was gonna do if it did not stop. Think I will wait until after Christmas to drop it on his wife hopefully that will end it.

[Soxfaninfl]

Thanks for the great advice. I'm a little reluctant to take this to there employer just yet, he's in management she's in HR. It will get messy, she has begged me not to take this to her CEO which is what I told them I was gonna do if it did not stop. Think I will wait until after Christmas to drop it on his wife hopefully that will end it.

 

If you want to try to save your marriage then don't notify her employer. You'll just push her away even further from you and make her angry. I know your angry and want to get back to her. My ex-wife did the same to me. She was messing around with another man at our job. We both worked at the same company. Take the high road with her. Be the better person. I know it hurts. Trust me I know what I'm talking about.

[oldshirt]

If you want to try to save your marriage then don't notify her employer. You'll just push her away even further from you and make her angry. I know your angry and want to get back to her. My ex-wife did the same to me. She was messing around with another man at our job. We both worked at the same company. Take the high road with her. Be the better person. I know it hurts. Trust me I know what I'm talking about.

 

This has all happened very recently and very fast for you.

 

But this has been happening for a long long time and you are only seeing the very tip of the iceberg.

 

Many people in your shoes eventually find out this was actually going on for YEARS before they caught wind of it.

 

Informing his wife is a critical step, but don't think for a minute that that will make things ok.

[LexiCat29]

Thanks for the great advice. I'm a little reluctant to take this to there employer just yet, he's in management she's in HR. It will get messy, she has begged me not to take this to her CEO which is what I told them I was gonna do if it did not stop. Think I will wait until after Christmas to drop it on his wife hopefully that will end it.

 

Is there really a marriage to try to save at this point? It sounds like she's already got one foot out the door...

[Mr. Lucky]

Think I will wait until after Christmas to drop it on his wife hopefully that will end it.

 

End it so you can...?

 

Motoracer, you'll need to think about the next step. Your wife needs to understand the fate of your marriage hangs in the balance.

 

No consequences = no barrier to the affair continuing.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Soxfaninfl]

This has all happened very recently and very fast for you.

 

But this has been happening for a long long time and you are only seeing the very tip of the iceberg.

 

Many people in your shoes eventually find out this was actually going on for YEARS before they caught wind of it.

 

Informing his wife is a critical step, but don't think for a minute that that will make things ok.

 

My situation happened six years ago. I was not able to save my marriage, but it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Honestly looking back at my situation, I'm happy that we divorced. I could have never trusted her again. Honestly, I could never trust anyone that has cheated on their spouse in the past.

 

My 2nd wife is 10 times better than my first wife ever was to be honest. My ex-wife did me a favor leaving me. I found out what real love is.

 

Think I will wait until after Christmas to drop it on his wife hopefully that will end it.

 

Motoracer, if your wife is not willing to attend counseling to work on the marriage then you need to divorce her. DO NOT MOVE out of your home that you share with her. Ask her to leave. Let her be inconvenienced. Let her feel the experience of being displaced. I moved out in my situation, and I should have asked my ex-wife to leave. Learn from my experience.

Edited December 22, 2016 by Soxfaninfl

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry for your pain, but I will ask again - is there really a marriage to be saved?

 

If it was my spouse, it wouldn't matter if she continued to see him or not because I would be filing for divorce and walking away... She has broken your trust twice now, so you really need to think about whether YOU want her to be your life partner after this betrayal.

[Jersey born raised]

Now is the time you define yourself by your actions. Her adultery defines her, not you! Your actions define what type of person you are. Do up you understand that her adultery (and MOM) defines her as a shallow and weak? That she is not a woman but a child that needs to grow up.

 

Do not delay in exposing to her and your family and friends. Make you clear you are divorcing and moving forward and do not offer reconciliation, unless she asks after you expose. Look up divorce laws in your state. Begin figuring out what your income, assets, and where you live post divorce. Demand MOM quit his job and work somewhere else. This post was by oldShirt a poster on this board. Remember it and look up some of his other posts.

 

 

For an affair to survive, it needs to have a marriage and it needs to have a supportive BS. *95% of affairs are based on the thrill and fun of exciting forbidden sex while their other needs and creature comforts are being provided by the marriage and by the BS.

 

Think of it like a flea on a dog. if the dog dies, the flea dies. The flea needs the dog to survive.

 

An affair is a parasite that saps the life blood of the marriage, but it needs the marriage to survive and it especially needs the BS to continue to provide the stable lifestyle, home, financial resources, payments of bills etc etc.

 

If the BS bolts and the marriage dissolves and the stability and support and lifestyle that the marriage provides is gone, Then the WS and the AP are stuck with each other.

 

The catch here is that 95% of the time, the BS and the AP are only in it for the kibbles and for the fun and excitement. They don't actually want to be together fulltime and it is very very rare that the other person is even the type of person that they want to date or marry or be with.

 

When the BS and the marriage goes, then nothing is fun and exciting anymore, life becomes work. The sex loses it's luster and the kibbles are gone.

 

In a few very very rare instances, the WS and the AP actually do fall in love, are compatible and do want to be together. In those rare instances, the marriage is toast and the WS is going to leave anyway so the BS might as well get an early running start on the rest of their life and start moving forward without the WS anyway.

 

The part that you aren't getting is you are actually supporting and nourishing this affair. You are providing her her safety net and lifestyle and her stability and security. Without it, she can't have fun and enjoy her motel romps with her OM.

 

And you are actually the OM's best friend and wingman here because without you, he would have to wine and dine her and suck up to her friends and family and help her take care of her house and help pay her bills, change the oil in her car and rub her feet. But as it stands right now, he has you to take care of all of that stuff and all he has to provide her is fun and orgasms. He has it made and he is doing it on your dime.

 

There is a 95% chance that if you toss her out and cut off all support and communication with her (other than legal stuff through your attorneys) he will go radio silent on her in a matter of days or weeks.

 

And also while she is out hiring lawyers and packing her stuff and looking for apartments and dealing with all the legal stuff, the last thing she is going to care about is meeting him at the park to give him a hummer.

 

Stop supporting her and stop trying to reconcile with her. Toss her out and let her fend for herself for awhile and the A will quickly die.

 

Once the $h!^ hits the fan with the A and the A ends in a painful death and she is alone again and finally grasping the damage that she has caused, then you can reassess and decide if you want to try to build your relationship with her from scratch again.

 

Either way, the relationship and marriage you had with her is forever gone and will never be the same. There is a slim chance you may be able to build a new relationship if you so choose, the innocence and purity of your prior R is forever gone.

 

To kill the parasite, you have to get rid of the host and that host is you supporting your wife and providing her a comfortable lifestyle to the point where she is able to grab stolen moments of fun and excitement with the OM.

 

Oldshirt

[What-2-Do]

Once a cheater always a cheater. You're a prisoner in your own marriage and house. Not sure after such a major betrayal you would ever want her back. This act is something that will never be forgotten and she's going to do it again.

 

Move on and divorce her.

[Bufo]

Read and heed what Mr Lucky posted yesterday. You need to formulate a plan.

 

If OM drops her when you tell his wife, then what? Everything will not revert to how it was before this A. WW won't suddenly become remorseful, which is the main prerequisite for R. Instead you'll be living with a woman who misses OM and blames you.

 

What is your plan? There are many posts here about how to deal with an unfaithful spouse who is genuinely remorseful for his/her choices. Fewer about what to do with the unremorseful unfaithful spouse. Why? Because in the latter, you need to recognize you can only control yourself and that unless you choose to live as her warden your M is through. That's when D becomes the only choice to make to get out of infidelity.

[Just a Guy]

Hi OP, Christmas is over. Have you told the OM's wife? What is your situation like right now?

[Lovedawg]

Once a cheater always a cheater. You're a prisoner in your own marriage and house. Not sure after such a major betrayal you would ever want her back. This act is something that will never be forgotten and she's going to do it again.

 

Move on and divorce her.

 

Bingo.

The energy you're spending on her is a terrible waste and you'll be the only one who really gets hurt.

[Bufo]

How is it going?

 

Your goal is simply to get out of infidelity. You have a fear of losing her. Understandable, but you cannot prevent her from leaving forever. You cannot control how she feels or what she does.

 

Return to your goal. If she refuses to end the A or shows no signs (not words but actions) of true remorse (not simply regret that it is over) you will not be free from infidelity. It may go dormant for awhile but it is likely to return with this or another OM. If that is the case then D is the only path out

of infidelity.

 

You should prepare for D. See a lawyer to learn what the divorce process is like, and what it will look like post divorce. Have a summary of Assets and Debts, incomes (tax returns are very useful) and learn whether infidelity/fault makes any difference. Seeing a lawyer doesn't mean filing for divorce. Most will also be able to refer you to IC if you wish.

 

Read about the 180. It is to help you detach from her. Less attachment =less hurt.

 

You can't remain in Limbo being neither a married couple nor separated. That state will drive you crazy.