Dumped, Cheated on and Left for someone else - Full Package

[Puslak]

Hi my name is Matt and I come from Poland. I’d like to share my awful story with you and hope I could get some feedback/help from you guys.

 

It’s actually quite late to write about this, cause it’s been already 8 month since I got brutally dumped, cheated on and left for someone else out of nowhere.

 

Let’s go back to the day when everything changed in my life which is: 2016.04.23 Few days before that date I was still with my wonderful Chinese girlfriend of 1,5 years long relationship. I was 28 and she was 23 back then. She knew I was serious about our relationship, and that sooner or later I was about to get marry her. I was the main provider and basically was caring about her as much as I could. We never argued and fight with each other, however we had some issues such as where we could possibly live later on. She was also very unhappy about her job in a bank, often complaining that would prefer to do something different, but it was very difficult for her to make up her mind what it would be. Anyways I was very supportive and always trying to give her some ideas and suggestions.

 

We were living a happy and easy life, however one day I had to go back for 3 months back to Poland. It wasn’t easy, but we managed it pretty well, and when I came back everything was fine. Unfortunately after two months I had to move to another city because of my job. She promised me to join me as soon as I settle down and prepare everything.

 

One week later when I moved to that new city I really missed her a lot so I decided to sent her a love letter (email) and next day she sent me back hers telling about: love, our future, having kids, dogs and all these kinds of sweet things. After receiving this email from her I felt really happy that I have such a nice girl who wants to be with me and so on.

 

Unfortunately, everything changed two days later. I was ready to skype with her as usually, but she didn’t show up. She neither picked up her phone nor texted back. I was really worried that something bad might happened to her. Finally, few hours later at 4:20 am she called me back and it was really weird… She sad that she went out with her friends to a bar and somehow couldn’t get any of my messages. I can’t explain it but her voice sounded really strange to me, and after a long conversation she said for first time that she has some doubts about our relationship, which she never had before. Never. When we finished talking I couldn’t fall asleep. I texted her that I’ll fly to her city in two days to talk more about this issue.

 

As soon as I met her I new right away that something bad had happened. Her empty look, body language, and finally a hickey discovered on her neck…

 

Long story short, she told me that, she met someone else when was in a bar and fell in love with him. One week afterwards she had already officially introduced her new boyfriend from Germany to everybody else. I was divested as hell. You have to know that she was the person I trusted 100 %. It was all very surrealistic and out of nowhere. There was literally no signs that could prepare me for this situation. I was waiting for my pay day in order to buy a ring so I could engage to her. Too late…

 

I cried many times, trying to figure out and somehow comprehend what happened to me and to her. I really truly loved her thinking of her as of my soulmate and love of my life. Ba! I even naively thought that we were destined to each other since we both were born the same day. I talked shortly with her few times, and she said that it was very difficult for her to make that decision, however one of the thing was that she could communicate with him better than with me. Probably I'll never know the truth what was the real reason.

 

The day when I discovered everything, she dumped me and left for that guy. I can’t describe how hurtful it was/sometimes still is. I have read half of the internet about relationships etc. and found something what’s known as „Grass is greener syndrome” I am not sure if that’s the case here, cause she’s still with him being very happy.

 

I could write a book about it, but I have got to be brief. She did for him what she hadn’t done for me. She has moved for him to his city in China, and two days ago I have noticed that she came over to Germany with him to visit his friends and family for Christmas. Everything I was dreaming about she did for him. After 8 months I have finally deleted her from all the social media. It’s really… breath taking.

 

Because of this whole situation I got stronger, but what lesson can be learned here since everything was so rapid, unpredictable, random and out of nowhere ? I was in few relationships before so I know what’s like when something ain’t right in a relationship. Like I mentioned before there was no early signs of problems. I wish there was something like justice, karma, you name it. There is no such a thing though. I just need to get over it, but sometimes I wonder If I ever do it in 100%.

 

Forgive me for my English.

Edited December 22, 2016 by Puslak

[Space Ritual]

Your English is much better than many native English speakers...lol.

 

I will only say you dodged a bullet. Sure it hurts even after 8 months but look at it this way:

 

She showed you what type of person she was. She was able to move on after meeting some guy in a club and dismiss you out of hand without your knowledge.

 

Do you really thinks she would have remained a faithful girlfriend even if you were together another 2 years?

 

The answer to that is no.

 

Long distance relationships take a lot of hard work, trust and communication. She proved to you she was not up to the task. Thankfully you found out now as opposed to a few years down the road if you had a child together a mortgage and a career you hated.

 

And do not feel bad at all. If she met her new guy in a club, chances are that at the first sign of unhappiness on her part she will go back to another club, meet some other poor sap, have sex with him and dump the German guy. Just like she did to you.

 

Maybe she will run the gamut of going through Central European nationalities before she moves east toward Kiev or Minsk.

 

Be well, happy holidays, and go forward knowing life is far too short to deal with someone who can so easily move on to the next victim. There will be more. And one day she may run into the wrong guy and she'll wish she never treated you the way she did.

[Puslak]

Thank you very much for the good word.

 

I know what you are trying to tell me, but when I see them together in the pictures you could say that they are very happy, and the thing that she just came to visit his country totally blew my mind. Somehow she got committed very fast to him. It just look like a fairy tale. I'd like to forgive her and simply never look back, but it's difficult.

 

You said that I dodged a bullet. Ok maybe you are right, but I don't feel in this way, when I see them together. I feel more: "****! It supposed to be me" And trust me, from my perspective our relationship was really great, so it was extremely shocking when she decided to drop everything for the unknown guy.

 

But she did that over night and seems to be as happy as she used to be with me back in the days.

 

How can you love someone and do such a thing ?

Edited December 23, 2016 by Puslak

[enddeck]

Thank you very much for the good word.

 

I know what you are trying to tell me, but when I see them together in the pictures you could say that they are very happy, and the thing that she just came to visit his country totally blew my mind. Somehow she got committed very fast to him. It just look like a fairy tale. I'd like to forgive her and simply never look back, but it's difficult.

 

You said that I dodged a bullet. Ok maybe you are right, but I don't feel in this way, when I see them together. I feel more: "****! It supposed to be me" And trust me, from my perspective our relationship was really great, so it was extremely shocking when she decided to drop everything for the unknown guy.

 

But she did that over night and seems to be as happy as she used to be with me back in the days.

 

How can you love someone and do such a thing ?

 

This girl is unable to commit to a relationship.I would bet that while you were away she was constantly out clubbing with her friends and this idea of just meeting a guy and falling in love strikes me as a lie.She will cheat on him as soon as his back is turned and you have definitely dodged a bullet.Turning up to meet you with a hickey was particularly cruel and I would have dumped her at that moment.

[winny]

She is not a nice person and most probably had been cheating behind your back for quite some time. Glad she is out of your life now. I cannot imagine how hard all this would have been on you but you seem such a strong person and I am sure life will reward you with someone who is going to love you a lot. I wish you good luck.

[Puslak]

I remember at one point that she said something like "I'm still young" using it as an excuse for all of this. Is it the "Grass is green syndrome" ? She never had many foreign friends (never felt fully comfortable to talk to them), but later on I saw on her social media some pictures with foreigners from different parties.

 

Was I blind ? The day when I discovered all this mess, I looked in her eyes and said "Who are you ? I don't know what have you become now. Where is my Jenny (her name)?" I was so confused. Till this day I am asking myself what was real. Was this even love ?

 

And now when I'm looking at their pictures together I am thinking: Will the same thing happen to that guy as well or maybe she just really found her true love ?

Edited December 23, 2016 by Puslak

[Puslak]

This girl is unable to commit to a relationship.I would bet that while you were away she was constantly out clubbing with her friends and this idea of just meeting a guy and falling in love strikes me as a lie.She will cheat on him as soon as his back is turned and you have definitely dodged a bullet.Turning up to meet you with a hickey was particularly cruel and I would have dumped her at that moment.

 

When I discovered this hickey I tried to convince myself that it's not what it looks like. I thought that she would never cheat on me so at the beginning I assumed It would be rather kind of scrape cause the day before she went paddling (probably with him).

 

But few hours later I made her talk more about her weird behavior and eventually the truth was revealed. At the beginning she was crying, holding me saying that she had made the worst decision in her life. blabla. Next day she had this kind of cold, empty, emotionless look. I have lost her in that moment.

[CobraX]

When I discovered this hickey I tried to convince myself that it's not what it looks like. I thought that she would never cheat on me so at the beginning I assumed It would be rather kind of scrape cause the day before she went paddling (probably with him).

But few hours later I made her talk more about her weird behavior and eventually the truth was revealed. At the beginning she was crying, holding me saying that she had made the worst decision in her life. blabla. Next day she had this kind of cold, empty, emotionless look. I have lost her in that moment.

 

Listen you guys were apart a lot. This stuff happens. I think you should put it behind you and move on.

 

I think part of the reason this bugs you is that the guy is German... and I can't remember the last time Poland beat Germany at anything... ever. If it makes you feel better, I once took a French girl away from a German guy. So... it can be done!

[smackie9]

S%$# happens because life happens. She met someone that swept her off her feet making her realize she wasn't into you as much as she thought. There are times in our life when things take us by surprise... even meeting someone you feel such a passion for you just can't help it. Like I said it happens. No one is a bad person here....there are times we just can help ourselves. Move on, there are other better things to focus on....peace be with you.

[Sweetfish]

Because of this whole situation I got stronger, but what lesson can be learned here since everything was so rapid, unpredictable, random and out of nowhere ? I was in few relationships before so I know what’s like when something ain’t right in a relationship. Like I mentioned before there was no early signs of problems. I wish there was something like justice, karma, you name it. There is no such a thing though. I just need to get over it, but sometimes I wonder If I ever do it in 100%.

 

Forgive me for my English.

 

She knew I was serious about our relationship, and that sooner or later I was about to get marry her.

 

Relationships can go down hill when your value drops. Women love strong men and the confession of love can actually devalue you. This is not true of all women.. The chase was gone when you sent this love letter and your distance in combination shows insecurity.

 

She was also very unhappy about her job in a bank, often complaining that would prefer to do something different, but it was very difficult for her to make up her mind what it would be.

 

This is easy.. she doesn't want to work. She found a guy that has better resources and utilities than you.

 

Good thing you didn't by a ring or get married. You truly dodge a bullet.

[HereNorThere]

Hi Matt. I'm a cat named HereNorThere from the United States. We've been known to help bail out our fellow Poles when the Germans were giving them trouble, so maybe I can continue the tradition.

 

I think the majority of us can empathize as well as sympathize with you. I would even be willing to wager that a good portion if not the majority of people here originally visited for the same reason - they were hurting or having problems in an interpersonal relationship. For me, I was two years younger than you are dating a girl not much older than your ex. Like you, I ended up in a long distance relationship with her. In my case, the long distance part was temporary, but it ended up destroying what we had.

 

I know you are hurting, brother. You are dealing with a multitude of things all at once. Ending a relationship is hard enough, but when someone you love betrays you and even worse, betrays you without remorse, the pain is unimaginable. I wish a I had a magic pill to ship you that turned it off, but that's not how this works.

 

The statistics relating to long distance relationships are not good. They are almost destined fail with someone her age. You can not compete with a real, live person through a computer screen. That's not your fault, it's just simple biology. Learn a lesson from this and don't attempt this type of relationship again. They aren't healthy for either party involved.

 

Your ex is being really cold and acting like a stranger for a reason. She knows what she did was wrong and it is too hard for her to look at herself as a bad person. When facing the harsh truth about who she is and how much she hurt you, her ego preservation kicks in and she rationalizes her behavior. It won't be today, but there will be a day when she admits to herself how selfish she has been. That day will probably be the day the new guy dumps her, but who cares? The last thing you would ever want to do is give her a chance to hurt you again.

 

These things take time to heal. You can speed up the process by going completely NC. This means NO SOCIAL MEDIA, trips down memory lane, or any kind of contact at all. Force yourself to get out with your friends even if you don't feel up to it. Take time to work on yourself and do things that will make you more attractive to women in the future. In a month or so, once the sting isn't as severe, take a good look at what you did right and what you did wrong in the relationship. Use what you've learned to build a better relationship in the future. Don't get serious with girls this young, ever, ever again. Young girl, long distance relationship, buddy, you didn't stand a chance. It's not personal, it's just human nature. Learn from this and become a better man.

 

The best revenge really is living well. I would never want to go back to the person I was before it happened. If that's what it took for me learn and grow and get to where I'm at, I'm okay with it. I also suggest talking with a counselor, therapist, family member, religious person if you're religious and keep posting if you need to vent. YOU WILL GET PAST THIS, MATT! And if you put in the work, you will be better for it. See you on the dating forum this time next month!

Edited December 24, 2016 by HereNorThere

[coolheadal]

You many of these situations goes on daily and in time you'll get over her. Because she met someone else and fallen in love with. Remember she doesn't love you, that frees you for the hurt and everything else.

[Puslak]

Relationships can go down hill when your value drops. Women love strong men and the confession of love can actually devalue you. This is not true of all women.. The chase was gone when you sent this love letter and your distance in combination shows insecurity.

 

This is easy.. she doesn't want to work. She found a guy that has better resources and utilities than you.

 

Good thing you didn't by a ring or get married. You truly dodge a bullet.

 

Well you might be right. I did felt insecure when I wasn't with her. I hoped that she would understand my reasons, and I think she did. Maybe it overwhelmed her, I don't know. I moved to another city cause I had found a better job, so I could provide brighter future for us, and that's my reward.

 

This is interesting. So eventually she did quit her job in a bank, and moved to his city to find a new one (don't know If she succeed). Speaking of recourses… you must understand that Chinese are fond of Germany in many ways (most of the imported products in China come from Germany), so it’s not rocket science that his position compered to mine was better from the very beginning.

[Puslak]

Hi Matt. I'm a cat named HereNorThere from the United States. We've been known to help bail out our fellow Poles when the Germans were giving them trouble, so maybe I can continue the tradition.

 

I think the majority of us can empathize as well as sympathize with you. I would even be willing to wager that a good portion if not the majority of people here originally visited for the same reason - they were hurting or having problems in an interpersonal relationship. For me, I was two years younger than you are dating a girl not much older than your ex. Like you, I ended up in a long distance relationship with her. In my case, the long distance part was temporary, but it ended up destroying what we had.

 

I know you are hurting, brother. You are dealing with a multitude of things all at once. Ending a relationship is hard enough, but when someone you love betrays you and even worse, betrays you without remorse, the pain is unimaginable. I wish a I had a magic pill to ship you that turned it off, but that's not how this works.

 

The statistics relating to long distance relationships are not good. They are almost destined fail with someone her age. You can not compete with a real, live person through a computer screen. That's not your fault, it's just simple biology. Learn a lesson from this and don't attempt this type of relationship again. They aren't healthy for either party involved.

 

Your ex is being really cold and acting like a stranger for a reason. She knows what she did was wrong and it is too hard for her to look at herself as a bad person. When facing the harsh truth about who she is and how much she hurt you, her ego preservation kicks in and she rationalizes her behavior. It won't be today, but there will be a day when she admits to herself how selfish she has been. That day will probably be the day the new guy dumps her, but who cares? The last thing you would ever want to do is give her a chance to hurt you again.

 

These things take time to heal. You can speed up the process by going completely NC. This means NO SOCIAL MEDIA, trips down memory lane, or any kind of contact at all. Force yourself to get out with your friends even if you don't feel up to it. Take time to work on yourself and do things that will make you more attractive to women in the future. In a month or so, once the sting isn't as severe, take a good look at what you did right and what you did wrong in the relationship. Use what you've learned to build a better relationship in the future. Don't get serious with girls this young, ever, ever again. Young girl, long distance relationship, buddy, you didn't stand a chance. It's not personal, it's just human nature. Learn from this and become a better man.

 

The best revenge really is living well. I would never want to go back to the person I was before it happened. If that's what it took for me learn and grow and get to where I'm at, I'm okay with it. I also suggest talking with a counselor, therapist, family member, religious person if you're religious and keep posting if you need to vent. YOU WILL GET PAST THIS, MATT! And if you put in the work, you will be better for it. See you on the dating forum this time next month!

 

Thank you very much for your opinion.

 

This is what I did eventually. After 8 months I have deleted her from all my social media. This happened when I saw her living our dream (coming to Europe for Christmas, visiting family, friends and so on), but with someone else instead of me. Terrible feeling. The old wound got cut again, so I decided not to see any images of her ever again.

 

Don't misunderstand me, with some obvious ups and downs, after 8 months I felt much better, but when you see something like this it really hurts a lot.

 

Seeing them happy together doesn't give me feeling of dodging any bullet, rather of great loss. i know that this sucks and is quite lame. On the other hand I know that she wasn't who I think she really was. Honestly I feel disappointed, kind of angry but not as much as before, and sometimes jealous that this guy has something that i lacks. The last one is particularly tricky and most difficult to admit, but I want to be honest. Unfortunately I didn't get any chance to try to change something in myself and become a greater person, cause she simply has replaced me.

Edited December 25, 2016 by Puslak

[breakupthrowaway663]

Hi friend, I recently endured a similar break-up. So similar that it's shocking.

 

Unfortunately for us, we were led to believe the lovebombing our ex's gave us. I'm not sure about you, but I wasn't all that committed to my ex at the time. But she fell for me hard, wanted commitment, and even at one point questioned if I was committed to her. I did just that.

 

We lined up in the crosshairs and our ex's pulled the trigger right when we least expected it. Cheated, shocked, and confused, right in our most vulnerable moment.

 

I'll tell you this, your exGF is not the person you thought she was. I'm sure she loved you. In fact, I bet she was infatuated with you for a long time. But there's something in these women, maybe deep down, which is their true self. Unless you picked up on some warning signs, you never would have suspected her doing this.

 

This is why it takes a long time to truly get to know someone.

 

You'll ask why, how, what? And you'll soon learn you are asking those questions about the woman you thought she was, not who she really is. It's unfortunate yes, but she probably has some underlying issues driving her behavior. Maybe it's self-esteem, validation, low self-control, etc. You're grieving who you thought you two were.

 

That's the hardest thing to accept really. She fundamentally isn't the person you thought she was. Maybe she didn't lie about everything she said to you, but she's clearly weak, chasing puppy love, and is emotionally immature.

 

Read my story and the hundreds of posts in my thread if you want to see my path: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/602935-extreme-anxiety-after-having-bombshell-dropped-me. Some of the things my ex said were an exact match with yours. It's fascinating.

 

If you need someone to talk to privately I'm always checking the site. Our stories are similar.

 

Good luck, and do everything you can to stay NO CONTACT. Be strong, for yourself.

 

Edit: And honestly, sure people tell you she became so passionate about this guy that she was swept off her feet. Ok, sure, but what kind of person is swept off their feet just like that? Imagine how she thinks about this guy, but yet knows nothing about him -- all his imperfections. I've been starstruck by women while in a relationship, but I never once considered throwing away my relationship for them. These kind of women are immature and impulsive to an unhealthy level, completely unaware how they've devalued you and overvalued this other guy to rationalize their behavior. She'll receive a wake-up call one day. But that day won't be for a long time coming. You will go on and succeed. She will be in a loop.

Edited December 27, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663