Step Grand Children

[ChillChik]

Hi there...I'm a new poster.

 

So I've been remarried for a while now and my new husband has two very beautiful grandchildren....both girls.

 

The problem is that they are also extremely misbehaved and badly parented.

 

I have two older children...my new husband has 3 and they're all lovely kids. But I'm in my 40s and kids just seemed to be raised differently than they are these days.

 

The grandchildren are just unbelievably badly behaved. They talk back to adults, they yell, they don't listen, they're annoying, they'll do anything to get attention, etc. They're just very difficult for me to tolerate. I try really hard but I just don't have the patience to deal with someone else's badly behaved kids. There is no way I'd EVER have tolerated my own children behaving this way. Dealing with someone else's kids is just far more difficult.

 

Right now, its not a real problem because we moved about 4 hours away for the past 2 years and I don't see them often because I work a lot. Generally my husband does visits on his own. We've had them over for sleep overs and its always a nightmare. I honestly love them but I'm always soooo glad when they leave.

 

The problem is that we're planning to move much closer soon and my husband's daughter will be asking for a lot of babysitting help once we move closer. I just don't know how I'm going to manage it.

 

My husband is totally understanding. He knows the kids are badly behaved but he also loves them very much and can't manage to say no to his daughter when she wants them to come over. Also he loves them and wants to see them, of course, so I generally suck it up. The last sleep-over was a disaster and I told my husband that once we move, its going to be our rules at our house. But the reality is that its nearly impossible to change the behavior of children when they're parented so badly and have no understanding of basic manners. I've already raised my kids and they are wonderful girls...so tolerating these kids is just really tough. I also know its not their fault...its their parent's fault but that doesn't help when I'm dealing with them.

 

I also know that if these were my biological grandchildren, I'd pull my daughters aside and have a very candid discussion about how these kids were being raised. But its not my place to do that with my husband's adult daughter.

 

So bottom line, I'm dreading this once we move and trying to figure out a strategy. Whether its to limit babysitting or some other method.

 

By the way, the kids "tell on me" when they go home after they've been at our house. They tell their mom that I was mean to them or whatever. The reality is that they're not used to being told to be quiet or that they can't have what they want. Also, if they fight..I take away whatever toy they're fighting over.

 

Has anyone dealt with something like this? Advice would be great...thank you!

[anika99]

Of course they should abide by your rules when they are in your house, just like they would be expected to abide by the rules of any other house. The problem seems to be with your husband. He isn't enforcing the rules and is making you be the meanie. That's not right. I would let him know that if he doesn't intend to ensure that the rules are followed then you will be opting out of babysitting duties. From now on when the kids come over, you go out or go somewhere private in the house and watch movies or whatever. Let your husband deal with the kids.

[ChillChik]

Of course they should abide by your rules when they are in your house, just like they would be expected to abide by the rules of any other house. The problem seems to be with your husband. He isn't enforcing the rules and is making you be the meanie. That's not right. I would let him know that if he doesn't intend to ensure that the rules are followed then you will be opting out of babysitting duties. From now on when the kids come over, you go out or go somewhere private in the house and watch movies or whatever. Let your husband deal with the kids.

 

Actually, he deals with them too. Its really not an issue with my husband. We're actually in total agreement about the kids' behavior. The issue is just that he, of course, wants to see the kids and wants to help his daughter out with babysitting which is totally understandable.

 

These kids are a LOT of work so when they come over, we kind of tag team. He'll take a rest and then I'll take my turn.

 

Honestly, I've never seen kids raised like this. I've literally watched the parents just sitting there when the kids are hitting people at parties and screaming at the top of their lungs in people's faces. Its just bizarre.

 

I think he's as confused as I am about what exactly to do.

 

The only difference is that he still wants to see them regularly while I admit, I try to avoid it because they get on my nerves.

[minimariah]

hmm... is there anyone else available for babysitting? other siblings, your stepdaughter's mother - anyone at all? that way, the babysitting isn't ALL on you. i do think your husband needs to pull his daughter aside and address the issue. he should tell her that, while you're happy to help & spend time with the kids, you're not 20 years old anymore & you need your own peace instead of running around and trying to re-raise them.

[whichwayisup]

Are kids grandmother still around? Your husband's ex? Does she babysit too?

[GunslingerRoland]

If there was one thing I underestimated before becoming a parent, was how little influence parenting can have on a child's behavior. Some kids are told something one time by their parents and listen to that forever after. Other kids take years of behavioral therapy to get even a fraction of the way to the same point.

 

The really frustrating thing as a parent of the latter, is when parents of the former still cling to the belief that it is their superior parenting that makes the complete difference.

 

I understand your frustration over what you've seen when you are together with them, but if you've never dealt with a child that you have to deal with behaviors from 24/7 it can be really easy to not realize how exhausting it is dealing with every single minor thing they do.

[amaysngrace]

Fix it the old school way.

Put a little peppermint liqueur on their vanilla ice cream.