Married Coworker Crush Keeps Mentioning Wife

[Alinasunshine]

I've been in a crush situation with a coworker for 2 years. We're both married, he has kids, I don't. We have never had a physical relationship and do not communicate outside of work. There is a lot of eye contact, staring, and sexual tension. We used to talk and flirt more frequently but that has weaned off since we're in different departments. Sometimes I try to distance myself from this situation as I do not want an EA, or to ruin a family. Obviously my marriage is not meeting my needs, and I am seeing a therapist for this. Recently, my coworker has started mentioning his wife in conversations with others, pretty much every day, always within earshot. He always walks by my desk and glances over to see my reaction. He even brought up an inside joke we once had to me and found a way to tie his wife into it. The part that is confusing to me is that he continues to oggle me when I walk by him and still stares at me when he thinks I'm not looking. He always looks away quickly if I catch him. Why is he still doing this if he is trying to distance himself from me as a crush and focus on his wife? When I try to back off and distance myself from him, he seems uneasy. When I try to be friendly and treat him like any other coworker, he seems uncomfortable with that. I care for him very much as a person and want him to be happy. I don't want to have to get a new job over this. Please don't be too hard on me, this crush is very painful. Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated.

[Space Ritual]

Sometimes I try to distance myself from this situation as I do not want an EA, or to ruin a family.

 

You already are in an EA, and have been for 2 years. You just won't admit it.

 

You state that you don't want anyone here to be too hard on you. Frankly, that is half the reason you now find yourself here after 2 years. You haven't wanted anyone to be hard on you, and by that ,I mean you don't want anyone telling you what you really need to hear.

 

No one has to be hard on you to point out to you what is so glaringly obvious by your initial post.

 

Therapists are a dime a dozen and the one thing in common they have is that they want to get paid. They are not going to get paid if they are honest with you, because if they are, you won't come back, hence they won't get paid. So therapists have no vested interest in seeing a person get better, unless they are benefitting financially as a result of it.

 

Here is the best advice you will probably ever get regarding your situation...free of charge for the asking.

 

You need to be honest with your husband, and more importantly, with yourself. You have let some married guy at work occupy headspace in your melon for 2 years, and exactly what great reward have you reaped as a result??

 

Please get honest with yourself and understand that indeed you are ruining your own marriage by putting effort into another man emotionally and depriving your husband the knowledge that the hand he is being dealt is from the bottom of the deck.

 

It does not take a rocket scientist, a therapist, or even a guy like Old Space Ritual to point this out. You should know this already. You alone have the ability to end the EA that you refuse to call an EA, or you can be adult enough to be able to inform your husband whom you took vows with so he can be have chance to be loved by someone the way he deserves. Sadly he may have no idea that the marriage is in as much trouble as it is.

 

Does he not at least deserve to be informed who he is married to so he can make his own choice about the direction of his own life?

 

To deny someone you purport to love or perhaps once loved that crucial detail so even if they re not able to be loved by you that they have the opportunity to find someone who will?

 

If the tables were turned would you not want to know who you were married to?

Edited December 23, 2016 by Space Ritual

[SoleMate]

It's a 2-year-long, mostly 1-sided EA.

 

The object of your attention is not comfortable with it and that's why he keeps bringing the wife up. Reminding all present that she exists and she matters.

 

The part that is confusing....is that he continues to ogle me....and still stares at me....He always looks away quickly if I catch him. Why is he still doing this if he is trying to distance himself from me as a crush and focus on his wife?

Having trouble fighting the EA too, I suppose. Nevertheless it's clear he has chosen to resist and so far is modestly successful as the EA has not escalated.

 

....I do not want an EA, or to ruin a family......I want him to be happy. I don't want to have to get a new job over this....[i don't want the pain of the current situation.....I want my marriage to meet my needs....]

 

You probably can't get all of those things simultaneously, you may have to prioritize. I'd focus on yourself and your family and forget the happiness of the coworker....it is not your business and he has not asked you to get involved.

 

Obviously my marriage is not meeting my needs...

The grass is usually greener where you water and fertilize it. If you pay close attention to your lawn, you see the little things about its condition and you can take action before things get out of hand. The more you lovingly tend your lawn and watch it bloom under your care, the more warmth you will feel towards it. No guarantee of success but all-round better odds of a good outcome for you.

[coolheadal]

Either stay in your current marriage or leave it. If your not happy then way put up with your husband woes. This guy and you not much going to happen either. Don't you think for one moment he won't repeat this with another woman too. Crush for another man while still married is wrong but the rules have changed the morals are gone.

[usa1ah]

First off. He is trying to bed you, period. He sees he has a influence over you and is trying to use it to his advantage.

 

Your problem with your marriage is that you are putting more time and energy into this co-worker then your husband. If you think your husband has not felt that you have pulled away, think again.

 

So, you have crushed on the OM for two years and believe it hasn't changed the way you think and act with your husband.

 

You have done this. Your husband has been following you lead in pulling away. That is unless he has been trying in vain to fix the marriage. Which he can never do with you crushing/spending all your time thinking of the POSOM.

 

You honestly want to be with someone that would go after a married woman and cheat on his wife?

 

Also just thing how you will destroy POSOM's wife and KIDS if you keep pursuing as well.

 

Bottom line, you lost interest in your husband because your decides to pursue a married man.

[smackie9]

Just because one is married doesn't mean they are dead. People will flirt, check out, leer or whatever......

 

I agree with the others, you have been letting yourself obsess over this guy due to the lack of attention you are getting from your husband. The emotional attachment with this co-worker or anyone else for that matter is not your answer to your marital issues, but seeking a marriage counselor is. You are responsible for this anguish you are experiencing, not your co-worker......time to own it and deal with your issues at home, and keep them out of your professional life.

[CommittedToThis]

If I were the OP I would stop and ask myself, "is this useful?" Are these obsessive thoughts about co-worker doing me any good? How is this obsession furthering my own self-improvement? Is there a productive purpose for me focusing on this co-worker and his wife? How is all of this making be a better person?

[stillafool]

You may be seeing in him what you want to see and the so called stares are only in your mind. Obviously if a guy is trying to bed you the worst thing he can do is mention his wife which this guy is doing and making sure you hear it. I agree that this is a one sided EA and you need to get over it if you want your marriage. It isn't surprising that your marriage is not meeting your needs if you are obsessing over someone else's husband. Have you defined to your husband what those needs are that aren't getting met. Without a conversation he can't improve.

[Alinasunshine]

Hello, and thank you for the thoughtful response. I failed to explain my own marriage dynamics in the OP. My husband and I are not a good fit, and have only been married for 2 years. He has a history of explosive temper tantrums, throwing things, and physically intimidating me. He has never hit me, but over time, his behavior has caused me to fall out of love. We have Discussed divorce twice. When I have expressed my unhappiness, his primary concern is our dog, our condo, finances etc... never mentioning he would miss me or wants to work on things. I do plan to leave once financially able. He is not a horrible person, but the marriage is unhealthy and not something that will ever work. After reading some others posts, I can see how others would think I am destroying my marriage with this fantasy... but the truth is that Neither of us are invested in the marriage. I donrealize that this crush is a fantasy, and I am getting nothing out of it to better my own life. I am trying to focus on myself, my self esteem, and become a happier person so such a fantasy is not so enticing in the future. Thank you again for your thoughts.

[Alinasunshine]

Thank you everyone. I do understand that this fantasy crush is not doing anything for me other than distract me from the real issues in my own marriage. Coworker and I had a decent conversation the other day, it was friendly and broke the ice a bit. He did stare at me the next day, and seemed very flustered. Then yesterday he walked by me while pretending not to see me. I don't think it's all in my head, as he seems to be affected by our interactions. Someone who is happy in their marriage does not behave with a MW coworker this way either. However, i agree this obsession needs to end. I Have tried to distance myself from it, but nothing seems to make it end.

[smackie9]

Thank you everyone. I do understand that this fantasy crush is not doing anything for me other than distract me from the real issues in my own marriage. Coworker and I had a decent conversation the other day, it was friendly and broke the ice a bit. He did stare at me the next day, and seemed very flustered. Then yesterday he walked by me while pretending not to see me. I don't think it's all in my head, as he seems to be affected by our interactions. Someone who is happy in their marriage does not behave with a MW coworker this way either. However, i agree this obsession needs to end. I Have tried to distance myself from it, but nothing seems to make it end.

Tell him to back off and leave you alone. Call a lawyer, and make an appointment with your bank. They will work with you in preparation of a pending divorce....get your family's support too. Nothing wrong with sleeping on someones couch or guest room for a few months.

[Space Ritual]

I Have tried to distance myself from it, but nothing seems to make it end.

 

I have a few of ideas that might make it end

 

 

1. Take your blinders off

2. Take your blinders off

and Number 3...wait for it......

 

That's right...Take your blinders off.

 

All marriages have their problems, and each partner shares in half the problems in a relationship.

You own your own actions in this fantasy affair, or whatever the hell it is 100 percent.

 

If your marriage is so bad, leave...You have already discussed divorce twice.

 

You have other options other than keeping this fantasy going.

 

You admit you are not invested in the marriage, then why drag it out? You've been doing this for 2 years. Wasn't that enough time to plan your escape from your husband?

 

Divorce is financially crippling whether you do it tomorrow or a year from now.. why wait?

 

The Dog?

 

Really,

REALLY?

 

Come on Lady, you think the dog won't forgive you if you leave your husband?

 

The fact of the matter is that if this work situation was so awful for you, then you'd go to HR and report this guy for sexual harassment, or look for another job.

 

But you like the game this guy is playing with you because it fills a void and it helps you avoid working on your own marriage.

 

Kind of like a Live Action Harlequin Romance Novel with Unicorns and Rainbows floating in the air every time Lover Boy looks at you down at the Shop...LOL!

 

Jeeze louise lady...come on!

 

The reason you have tried to distance yourself from it but that you have not had success is that you CHOOSE to keep it going and not be successful in distancing yourself from it.

 

Stop this now before you suffer irreversible consequences.

 

The only person who is capable of changing your situation is you.

 

It is the New Year. Time to make a positive change. If you want to have a new life for yourself, only YOU can do that.

 

And the dog WILL forgive you....