Marriage trying to forget

[Hi everyone]

I've been married 20 years to a wonderful wife and I have had low self-esteem my whole life wich has been really hard on my wife. She couldn't take it anymore and wanted to get a divorce wich if we didn't have kids I'm sure we would have. It did cause me to wake up and start trying to do something to change . I've worked hard and I'm getting better and we are trying to fix our marriage now. The problem is she met someone while we were having problems and I found out through her and text they wrote each other that just before we started trying to fix our marriage they took a shower together and helped each other out no sex but both used hands on each other. I love her and I know that now that I feel better about myself we could have a wonderful life together. I just can't get the thought of them being naked together and touching each other out of my head. Especially since we always take showers together. I know I should be thankful that it didn't go farther but I'm still having problems with it. I try to talk to her about it but she gets mad and says I'm holding it over her head. How can I stop thinking about it and save my marriage

[lolablue17]

You're experiencing infidelity. Your wife cheated on you.

 

Let me be skeptical about the "There was no sex", because cheaters ALWAYS minimize their actions. It always turn from "No sex" to "Only once" and then it may turn to "only 5 times". In addition, even if she's telling the truth (Almost zero chances) for me, fingering and hand job is sex by all means.

 

There is another thing cheaters 99% do - they hate to talk about their cheating. Because they hate being the bad guy, and mainly because when you ask them questions, you might find out that the stories they feeding you don't match, you receal their lies out of simple logic. So she gets mad because that's her way to avoid your questions.

 

There are ways to overcome infidelity, but the first main condition is transparancy and honesty - and the willing to admit and take full responsibility to her actions.

 

She may had done it while you were separated, so maybe technically it's not cheating. Is this the case?

[BluesPower]

She is completely lying to you in every way.

 

She is probably still having the affair.

 

Your low SE prevents you from seeing what is going on.

 

She got tired of waiting and wanted, sorry bud, a real man.

 

I don't see a lot of hope here.

[road]

Time for her to take a lie detector test. They did more then just shower one time.

[What-2-Do]

I agree that she is clearly cheating on you. They did more than just shower together. Not sure if you're OK with living with a cheating wife who will lie to you and hide things from you. Wouldn't be OK with me.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. I'm so very sorry that you're going through this. It's truly awful.

 

How much of their email correspondence did you find & read? Was it just one stray message that she forgot to delete or did you see everything around it? If there were mails reading, "I so regret the ONE time we were together in the shower AND ONLY touched each other! I'm so glad that NOTHING ELSE EVER happened!" Then you can probably believe it.

 

We're being so cynical because most of us have been there. You find one thing & they admit to it whilst minimalizing as much as they can. Then you find something else...rinse & repeat! It's called 'The cheater script'.

 

After all those years of marriage I would be devastated, even if you were 'on a break'. I don't believe in taking a break from my marriage vows.

 

If you KNOW that this happened only once & nothing else. If you were separated at the time. If you truly want to fix your marriage. You NEED to talk through this until ALL of your questions & doubts are dealt with to YOUR satisfaction.

 

My husband has never in his life been as adamant as he was that he "...did NOT have sexual relations with that woman!". It goes with the territory. I'm sorry.

[Hi everyone]

Ok to add some things to this my wife had it really bad in our marriage my family was never that nice I'm sure that's how I got my low self-esteem in the first place but when I got married they were mean and rude to her too and I never did anything about it ever I just let them bad mouth her and never stood up for her. I also never wanted to go out and I didn't want her to go out without me and she was a very sociable person. She moved up here from another state so she had no family either. She told me she was breaking down and I didn't help her. She asked if we could do couples therapy wich I went but didn't participate. It wasn't till she said she was leaving me till I woke up and seen what she was going through. I love her and I hate what I put her through but I'm changing now we go out and I actually enjoy it and I won't let my family get away with the way they treat her anymore. Not only am I treating her better now I'm treating myself better. I'm a much happier person now and I finally know how to go out and have fun. She did find someone else for a few months but the way I treated her I understand why she wanted out. She has always loved me that's why she wants to try and fix things now that she sees that I'm working on changing . I know we can be happy together I just need to get these thoughts of them two out of my head. Fighting this low self-esteem was the hardest thing I've ever done and I don't want to loose my wife because I can't get over this.

[mikeylo]

Why is that many spouses wake up only when the other has one foot out the door ?

 

You've probably done everything that you shouldnt have been doing.Duh ! It may be too little too late.

 

Instead of having images of them, focus on yourself or divorce.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ok to add some things to this my wife had it really bad in our marriage my family was never that nice I'm sure that's how I got my low self-esteem in the first place but when I got married they were mean and rude to her too and I never did anything about it ever I just let them bad mouth her and never stood up for her. I also never wanted to go out and I didn't want her to go out without me and she was a very sociable person. She moved up here from another state so she had no family either. She told me she was breaking down and I didn't help her. She asked if we could do couples therapy wich I went but didn't participate. It wasn't till she said she was leaving me till I woke up and seen what she was going through.

 

While these may be valid reasons to divorce you, none of them justify infidelity. And if you just "rug sweep" this affair while you work on your issues, you set a very dangerous precedent of validating cheating as a way to deal with marital problems. So what happens the next time the shyte hits the fan (and it will!)??? Off she runs to someone else to get her emotional - and physical - needs met.

 

It's great that you're owning your own marital shortcomings, sounds like you've made some progress but much remains to be done. She needs to do the same thing if real reconciliation is to occur.

 

This isn't all on your shoulders...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

Denial and self-delusion are wonderful things because they make us feel like we can control things that we can't and that we can change other people's bad character and bad behaviors.

 

You wife did not screw other men because of you low self esteem. She cheated because she is a selfish, entitled person of low character.

 

If you family looked down their nose at her, it was likely because they knew she wasn't a good person and didn't treat you well.

 

You feel you have low self esteem because you have allowed her mistreatment of you to shape your sense of self worth.

 

The thing Your self esteem issues have influenced is that you have accepted her mistreatment of you and her cheating and you haven't kicked her out.

 

The reason she hasn't left you has nothing to do with your changes. It is that wants to have hot monkey sex with the other men and enjoy the creature comforts and security that marriage provides. She wants her cake and to eat it too.

 

You have everything all backwards as part of your self delusion so that you don't have to face the reality that you are allowing a bad person to mistreat you and emasculate you.

[BluesPower]

Try to understand...

 

I just read your last post. You know if you treated me like that and you were that much of a puss I would want to divorce you as well.

 

If you think you have gotten over your low self esteem issues, well bud you are wrong.

 

Your wife is lying to you about the shower. They had wild monkey sex and that was not the only time. Because you are such a weak man, you want to believe that the stuff she told you is true. Not a chance in hell that she it telling the truth.

 

Are you also saying that she already had another affair or were you talking about the same affair?

 

Look, I don't want to dog you out, but honestly, you have about 5 minutes to learn how to be a man. Step one is file for divorce. Just file.

 

You give her the papers and ask her to leave the house. And you can tell her that she can have a good life.

 

You have and you are currently are letting your wife make a fool of you.

 

If it matters to you, you could tell her that she can write a full confession about all of her affairs and confess every detail. Next you can schedule a polygraph based on the confession.

 

If even one detail does not check out you complete the divorce.

 

Listen, life is just to short to live in fear and be a weak person. We have a short time in this world and if you are going to live it the way you have been, you might just as well crawl in a hole and die.

 

Your marriage and your wife's love and respect for you has already died, it died before she had an or her first affair.

 

I am really begging you to wake up and take hold of your life.

[BaileyB]

So, basically what you have described is that you come from an emotionally abusive home and this has had a negative impact on your self esteem. I'm sorry about that - it's good that you are committed to learning and developing more confidence and self esteem.

 

However, just because you have issues with self esteem, that doesn't allow you to treat people badly. And based on what you've described, you haven't always treated your wife well. You need to own that.

 

Your wife has also treated you badly when she engaged in an inappropriate relationship with another man. That is on her, not you. The decision to engage in this affair was her decision and she will now have to deal with the consequences of her decision...

 

You need to raise the bar. What you have described sounds like a very unhappy, unhealthy relationship. In order to get respect, you have to earn respect. YOU need to have higher standards and not accept this kind of behavior from anyone.

[Just a Guy]

Hi OP and Shattered Lady, the good folk here have already given solid and excellent advice to you, OP and I don't have anything to add to it. I only want to point both of you to an excellent book that I think will be life changing for both of you. The book is 'Psycho Cybernetics' by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. If I could reach across the internet I would present both of you with a copy of this book because that how good I think it is. Shattered Lady you may be wondering why I have included you in advice about this book. The thing is I have been following your posts on various threads over a period of time and my impression is that your self esteem has taken a hit after your husband's affair. I know you are a strong woman and have weathered the storm of life with your head up. However the battle has taken it's toll. As far as OP is concerned I would go so far as to say that this book has been tailor made for people just like him.

 

I do not know if the two of you will take my advice seriously or not. I hope you do as it could mean the difference between accepting a low grade quality of life and, on the other hand, living a life of happiness and fulfillment. Warm wishes to both of you.