(how) they always know!

[Broom]

Greetings to those new and old. Those may recognize my username will be saddened to see me posting again in here about yet another situation.

 

It seems as though MMs have a special radar or vision to detect us, to see us, to target us. Maybe it is something that I give off without noticing that draws them to me...like a magnet.

 

If you'll check my thread(s) from before, you'll know that I was able to extricate myself from a toxic MM by finding new employment. For those out there who are struggling with the decision to go NC, trust that it is the best way.

 

After leaving the job with MM and not being able to see him or communicate with him, despite him growing more desperate and borderline harassing me after my departure, it accelerated the healing process.

 

I. thought. I. was. never. going. to. deal. with. this. again.

 

Over a year now with him in the past and something new comes on the horizon.

 

On my new job a guy has been hired, married of course. Since my previous MM, my personality towards new men in my life has taken a drastic change. I am no longer welcoming or friendly to the point of many calling me a bitch or rude. It's the price I pay socially for having my walls up and possibly attributed to some form of PTSD and emotional trauma.

 

This new guy came on and has fancied me since day 1. We are direct co-workers and must interact as part of our team (not so much individually).

 

All the red flags have been there

 

1. Complaining/minimizing his relationship with his wife - He's said numerous times how he doesn't want kids and she does, how he struggles to remember what they did even last week, implied that he doesn't really care about her, etc.

 

2. Paying close® attention to me than anyone else - He can remember small facts about things I've said to others. If I am speaking with another co-worker in his vicinity, he will eavesdrop for any morsel of information he can later use to gain favor with me. He found out I liked a particular type of food and used this as a cover with his wife to make it for him and then tried to offer some to me. I declined without hesitation.

 

3. Trying to organize extra meetings outside of work as an excuse to be around me - He has tried multiple times for everyone to exchange numbers under the guise of group texting and/or hang out for casual drinks. I decline each time and have secretly instructed someone to never give out my number. This person has it for work purposes only.

 

4. Trying to look for eye contact/signs - If we are in a team meeting or anything, I will catch him looking at me. He will look away for a few moments, but will try to look back in my direction to see if I give him an affirming "second look"

 

5. Offering money/gifts - He's offered to buy me lunch and small things numerous times. To my knowledge, this is something he has not done for anyone else. I decline each time.

 

6. Trying to physically escalate - We had some work spreads and potlucks and luncheons and he tries to go to the restroom to arrive later to sit next to me or serve his food when I go so that he can touch and escalate. This often leads to me NOT participating at all.

 

#6 has become an issue with my manager because he thinks I am not a team player and has began to view me in a slightly negative light. My behavior and lack of participation/refusal on some events (our team is small) has hurt my relationship with him.

 

It's consistent behavior throughout the work week. I've consulted with my close friend who says I should confront him and threaten him. The thing is, I know how conflict-avoidant these types are. He will just deny everything and make it seem like I am the crazy one and possibly try to smear my reputation at work to save face.

 

He is a very popular guy at work and everyone else loves him and has nothing bad to say about him, so it would be not in my favor socially. I do not have any close friends at work that I could rely on to believe me or take my side undoubtedly.

 

Switching jobs AGAIN is not an option at this very moment, but I am going to leave as soon as it is feasible for me. In the meantime, I do need some reassurance for my boundaries.

 

Since I ended my A, I have briefly dated 1 other individual. I also began working out and re-introducing myself to old hobbies. My mental health is strong and I have been improving in various facets of my life.

 

I am wondering if there is something about me that keeps attracting these men?!?!

 

He has locked in on me hard and won't let up.

[Lady2163]

So, years ago I was working a job where I had many bosses who could make my life miserable - and the lives of my people sheer hell. I had to use a LOT of diplomacy. I was the boss and there were things I just couldn't get out of.

 

This one man liked me and he subtly made it clear. He wasn't offensive, but he wasn't leaving me alone. I was a sub contractor, which means I would have been removed from that job site if I made a fuss, If I insulted him, I'd pay for it and so would my people. I needed the job, I was incredibly stressed, I wasn't sleeping, it was awful.

 

Finally, I realized what to do. The next time he maneuvered the situation and we were alone, he started in again. I turned to him and said:

 

I know we haven't worked together for very long. I know you like me. I know you want to cross a line with me. Honestly, I like you, too. But, I've had a rough few years with men. I know I've done some awful things in my life. I just have one question for you: what horrible sin do you think I. committed that makes me only good enough to be a mistress to a married man and not a wife or a girlfriend to an available man? I mean, do you really feel I don't deserve more than what you can offer?

 

He was quiet for a long time. Then he said "You're absolutely right".

 

He was one of my biggest supporters from that day forward. We were genuine friends after that job ended for many years. He did kind things for me and I did kind things for him. In ten years he hugged me once and punched my shoulder a few times. He was flirty, but not chasing me anymore.

 

Try putting this back on the guy. He doesn't need to know about your past. If other people like him, you never know, he may back off and be better with you.

 

I know you're sensitive to these things, but it does sound like he has a bit of a crush on you. It doesn't have to end up an affair, you know.

[Survivor12]

Just a bit of insight....

 

You listen to him talking about very personal issues (#1) yet you say that you refuse to participate in some professional interaction (6).

 

Perhaps you need to re-evaluate your boundaries.

 

Also, you mention that he is always looking at you...if you weren't looking back, how would you know?

 

Honestly, it sounds like you may be giving the impression that you are interested because you are trying so hard to convince him that you are not.

 

He's likely not the only married man in your office. Do you act the same around the others? If not, ask yourself why you respond differently to him. If you truly aren't attracted to him, it should not be a problem to adjust your boundaries--avoiding personal conversation and being professional.

[BluesPower]

Sorry to say but it is really simple.

 

You are obviously very pretty, or the guys would not look at you.

 

Next you are not married and since you don't have a BF you don't talk about him.

 

But really what it is, and trust me I know, you don't glow. When a woman is in a relationship and she is being taken care of emotionally and in the bed room, she has a glow about her. I know it sounds crazy, but I can pick a woman like you out at about a 100 yards.

 

Best thing to do is get a BF that you like and start glowing.

[salparadise]

I am wondering if there is something about me that keeps attracting these men?

 

 

Yes, probably. Everyone gives off a unique vibe. Yours probably has qualities of sexuality and vulnerability. That's not unusual in and of itself, but what is interesting to me is that you don't seem to be able to turn it off, or to shut these guys down when the attention is unwanted.

 

Most women can tell a guy to phuk off without uttering a word, but this guy sees through your resting b***h face and keeps it coming. He apparently feels confident that he can wear you down and score. You shouldn't have to put up with it, but unless he's being rather overt there's only so much you can do. I'd be inclined to put him on notice with actual words, and perhaps even notify HR that you've done so. I realize that doing so could be a problem if the culture at this company is too tolerant.

[DKT3]

You like the attention. If you didn't you would have shut him down. He hits on you a d you accept it, men don't keep hitting on women that don't want his attention.

 

No need to find another job, because you are the problem and no matter where you work YOU will always be there.

[aileD]

You like the attention. If you didn't you would have shut him down. He hits on you a d you accept it, men don't keep hitting on women that don't want his attention.

 

No need to find another job, because you are the problem and no matter where you work YOU will always be there.

 

This. Is it you? Yes. Because you don't set clear boundaries and tell these men to F off . You like the attention to a degree so you allow it

 

Time to reevaluate you and maybe get some therapy .

[BuddyX]

This. Is it you? Yes. Because you don't set clear boundaries and tell these men to F off . You like the attention to a degree so you allow it

 

Time to reevaluate you and maybe get some therapy .

 

^^ Dead On.

Just the whisper of "sexual harassment" will have every guy running. In today's work place every guy is afraid of the dreaded SH speech. As guy, I'll rather get fired over incompetents than sexual harassment. If the guy has wife and kids, SH is kryptonite.

 

Time to set some boundaries. It's as simple as telling him "you make me uncomfortable". No HR involved. Just a simple statement.

[freengreen]

what DKT3 and alieD is saying is true. I am a living example.

 

When I was a happy introvert, I looked the same.. but men didnt try for long because I took no clues and showed no interest.

 

Then I wanted to try being 'social' and the insecurity had already creeped in. There were so many men trying to flirt waay more. All of them somehow got shooed, except one. I regret trying to be what I never was.

 

It will happen as long as you let it happen. If you beleive you are a whole person, you dont need to look for 'filling void'.

[VeveCakes]

My sister just went to HR with something like this. They sent him a letter and didn't say who made the complaint. It set the guy right straight and he stopped flirting with the women in the office. He would constantly stare at my sisters chest and grope himself when he was sitting in her office.

 

I would say just make a complaint to HR, it is their job to deal with this stuff, not yours. It doesn't have to be public, they can just send him a letter and that should straighten him out.

 

Or just tell everyone you have a boyfriend who you love a lot...and he should sort himself out.

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "2. Paying close® attention to me than anyone else - He can remember small facts about things I've said to others. If I am speaking with another co-worker in his vicinity, he will eavesdrop for any morsel of information he can later use to gain favor with me....."

 

 

Make sure that he "eavesdrops" on you discussing how abhorant you find MM who hit on coworkers. Talk about a 'friend' who got a huge settlement or a MM who lost EVERYTHING (Job, wife, KIDS, home etc) because he wouldn't stop chasing some woman at work. Make your views VERY clear!

 

I worked in a VERY male dominated industry. When I was single (married doesn't make that much difference) I got hit-on a lot by coworkers. It happens! Particularly when you work in a social company where drinks & afterwork activities are common.

 

You think that you're shutting down this kind of attention but you're clearly not. I know that can be hard to hear. Those who say that you're giving off some kind of 'vibe' are correct. Maybe (understandably) you're very sensitive to MM attention & your "I'm not falling for this again!" Is coming-off as playing hard to get & womanizers LOVE that!! Sometimes "I couldn't care less if I tried" is a stronger stayaway vibe than "I'm watching you! Don't you dare!".

 

If he invites you somewhere ask if it's a couples thing, "Is your wife coming? I'd love to meet her!". Be a 'woman's woman'. If he says something negative about his wife defend her or put down men who do that without being blatantly rude. Stick with the other women at work. Eye-rolling with the girls can frighten a man off very fast.

 

Don't be frightened of MM looking for an affair. That vibe can come off as coy or interested. Show the utter contempt you feel. You don't need to be defensive or rude to do that. Because of your history you feel differently about this than women who believe they would NEVER touch a MM EVER!!

 

Men don't chase what they know they can never ever catch. Something is making him believe it's a game he can win.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I don't think you are necessarily doing anything to attract it but I think you are doing something to let it escalate into the flirting zone.

 

I say the first part because if I throw a rock, I will hit some guy endlessly complaining about his wife to anyone and everyone around him. I hear this stuff from everyone - clients, professional colleagues, male friends. Some are truly just venting but others are doing what men call, "throwing sh&t against the wall to see what sticks". So as Blue said, you are probably pretty and they are telling you - as well as every pretty they know - all their problems. One of you will bite. You need to remember, anyone will do.

 

But you need to ask yourself why you are letting it escalate into where he is now actively trying to have something with you. Generally, if you are not overly interested when they first tell you all their problems, a man will basically move on to the next warm target. So you must have been responding on some level and this encouraged him to keep trying.

 

For me, I've learned my lesson, so I don't engage too much in endlessly listening to guy's problems. It is draining and dangerous for someone like me. If it is someone paying me money, I'm a little more tolerant but I don't over-engage. I don't encourage it, text back and forth, or become "friends" with people. If it is someone who is sort of a friend, I will listen a bit but I've advised people to get a therapist or go to MC. You can cut people off but be polite about it.

 

If it was some annoying woman at work going on and on about her life, I bet you would easily just avoid her or walk away.

[eye of the storm]

Broom, I recommend next time the new guy says/does something that makes you uncomfortable you clearly and with words say "this makes me uncomfortable please stop".

 

Don't threaten him. What are you going to threaten? Stop talking about your home life and trying to have group meetings or I'm going to ruin you? He is not doing anything overt and you are going to look like an idiot.

 

Many times when someone is doing/saying something that unnerves us but on paper doesn't seem like that big of a deal, we get nervous about saying anything. But you can. Possibly, new guy is just overly friendly and does not realize how his behavior is coming across. So in those cases I say "I know you don't mean to, but when you do XYZ it makes me uncomfortable and I would appreciate you not doing it anymore." When they try to say, that is how they treat their sister/mother/nun/best friend just repeat, "I understand, but it makes me uncomfortable, please stop." Then get back to work.

 

If they do it again, "I asked you not to do that anymore." Third time, "excuse me" and go see the manager.

 

If this is starting to affect your standing with your manager I would request a meeting. Tell him that you are uncomfortable with new guy. That you want to be a team player and have a good relationship with the group but this person makes you deeply uncomfortable. Brainstorm how to get past this.

 

This does 2 things. One, it shows the manager you are not trying to just blow up the team, that you are aware he isn't doing anything overt, and you are willing to take suggestions to have a good working relationship. Two, the manager is now on notice there is an issue and they will start paying more attention.

 

Now, from your list, when he talks about his W, defend her. (this is only if you can't claim you have work to do in order to get out of personal conversations, if you can claim work, do that every time or bathroom break) I don't care if he is telling about her killing a pet rabbit by ripping its throat out with her teeth, defend her. "isn't that how the ancient hobbits killed their dinner? Its nice that she is trying to keep ancient cultures alive" Oh, she burned dinner? "Maybe she was tired from working, why don't you cook for a few days to give her a break"

 

There is a guy I work with that talks nothing but crap about his wife, he will stop mid sentence when I walk into the room because he knows what's coming. Wife defense mode activated. Never met the woman but don't care. She might be horrendous, don't care.

 

Best defense is to always be busy. And distracted when he is talking about anything not business related.

 

good luck

[noelle303]

Well, I can't say for sure, but it's possible that he likes the fact that you are mysterious, withdrawn, aren't close friends with anyone in the work place etc. These kind of women make ideal mistresses because they are discreet and usually don't have a lot of people as a support system to talk them out of affairs.

 

He could also think you're lonely - again, easy to lure in, manipulate and maintain. Those factors and especially the combination of them are particularly attractive to MM who are looking to start an affair.

 

I honestly think that the best way to deal with this is not to try too hard to avoid him. I know, it sounds silly, but sometimes people think that when someone is actively trying to avoid them that they are doing it precisely because there are feelings that they're trying to fight. Almost like you don't trust yourself to be around him because you're worried you might act on something.

 

The best thing would be to act completely indifferent. So what if he brushes against you during a meeting? A hundred people brush against me during my work day. So what if he makes a comment about the food you like? Smile politely and go on with your day. And so what if he has your number? If he tries to contact you and suggest anything inappropriate, perfect! Screenshot it and show it to your boss as proof of sexual harrassment.

[somanymistakes]

You like the attention. If you didn't you would have shut him down. He hits on you a d you accept it, men don't keep hitting on women that don't want his attention.

 

No need to find another job, because you are the problem and no matter where you work YOU will always be there.

 

I think it's pretty gross to imply that it's always a woman's fault she's being hit on, personally.

[noelle303]

I think it's pretty gross to imply that it's always a woman's fault she's being hit on, personally.

 

Agreed. I had a situation this year with my boss hitting on me and while one could argue that I was being friendly towards him, I hardly consider that to be an open invitation for various suggestions and any sort of pursuit.

[LivingWaterPlease]

You like the attention. If you didn't you would have shut him down. He hits on you a d you accept it, men don't keep hitting on women that don't want his attention.

 

 

Sorry, you're way off base here. This thread is not about me but to support the OP, and just so you know, many women have men pursue them without enjoying the attention, I personally have. By the way, it is not fun at all to have a man zero in on you and not let up when you are not interested in him.

Especially when you're in a work or social situation where you believe with good reason that it will hurt you professionally or socially if you handle it well, and the guy gets offended.

[DKT3]

I'm saying in this case with this poster it's her fault.

 

Truth is most if not all sane men will not pursue a woman who doesn't encourage him in some way. She only has excuses as to why she won't shut it down, every one likes him, he would just deny it...Whatever, not doing anything is accepting his behavior that makes it her fault. Simply asking what he wife would think would likely slow him, informing him that she isn't comfortable with his unwanted attention would help. She does nothing.

Edited December 24, 2016 by DKT3

[eye of the storm]

I've had men hit on me at work. Men I have told with word and action to leave me alone. There are times when a man is just determined to win his selected prize. (Women can be equally determined)

 

I told one such guy to leave me alone, I then reported him, finally I shoved him down a flight of stairs. While I was being investigated for assault my reports of harassment could no longer be hidden. I got off. He was punished. It should never have gone that far.

 

I still believe in the system though. Be clear. If someone makes you uncomfortable verbalized it. If they continue, report.

Edited December 24, 2016 by eye of the storm

[Southern Sun]

Broom, I know that I've discovered some things about myself post-affair. I tend to be very sensitive (over-sensitive) to making OTHER people uncomfortable. I worry excessively about making other people "feel bad." So I tend to always be the girl who laughs off inappropriate comments, is comfortable around "the guys," can handle any off-color jokes, and act like nothing bothers me at all.

 

I also would never want to make another person feel as though they've overstepped a line. So if they've said something to me that they really shouldn't have, instead of saying (what I should), "I'm sorry, but that makes me uncomfortable. Please stop," I would typically say, "Oh, no worries at all, I understand." I am almost pathologically concerned with making other people feel at ease.

 

It's a problem for me. And at least now I am aware.

 

Do you see anything like this in yourself? It is most certainly a boundary issue, and one that this man could be using to his advantage.

 

I realize now that I should be AT LEAST as concerned with making MYSELF feel at ease than another random person! I'm being a bit sarcastic here. Yes, I should be more concerned with making sure I am at ease than someone else. Unless of course I am acting like a jerk and the other person is being good and considerate. Which is not typically what happens.

 

So just take a look at what you might be doing to encourage the situation. And if you are truly doing NOTHING to encourage it, then that is sexual harassment and I would consider going to HR.

[CommittedToThis]

On my new job a guy has been hired, married of course...(edit)...This new guy came on and has fancied me since day 1.

 

Simple: report him to personnel, he is harassing you, and he's a new hire. Tell your supervisor or their supervisor, instead of sitting there and taking it, because truthfully, it makes it sound like you like the attention and have been returning it in some fashion.

[ladydesigner]

Sorry, you're way off base here. This thread is not about me but to support the OP, and just so you know, many women have men pursue them without enjoying the attention, I personally have. By the way, it is not fun at all to have a man zero in on you and not let up when you are not interested in him.

Especially when you're in a work or social situation where you believe with good reason that it will hurt you professionally or socially if you handle it well, and the guy gets offended.

 

This is what I have experienced too. Many times the men get upset for being rejected but there are those types that seem to just not let up and it is scary and unflattering!