Christmas time as an xOW or OW

[Poppy47]

Hmmmm! No not really!! When I start to talk about the 'elephant' it gets ugly fast & im not a fighter...I cry & hate myself for looking so weak. I just can't stop myself.

 

If I rugsweep he's lovely. Incredibly caring. Running to the shops, playing with our kids, being sensitive.

 

I don't know. I'm still incredibly overwhelmed with everything. Our house in America has just gone live to sell (getting silly offers from investors...WE were investors!! Our dream house! They think I'll let it go for $25,000 under asking!!) don't know where I'm going to put all of our things. Life's possessions...when the shipping co. can finally find them!! Hahaha!

 

I'm just trying to settle. Get kids into school. Get docs sorted. Overwhelming!!! I'm getting Family Allowance £38 per week!! Going into my OWN bank account (Well my Mums until I've got one!!) it's such a little thing but HUGE considering that lack of independence was so haunting.

 

Baby steps but ALL in the right direction.

 

 

I've been 'stalked' by my first real boyfriend. It's been a HUGE insight into how these things can happen. For a moment it was actually nice to have a handsome man pledging his undying love for me (It's been 1/4 century! He doesn't even know me anymore!) but then it struck me how manipulative it all was & I told him to get stuffed.

 

YOur husband is depending on his ability to make you withdraw from discussions. He is avoiding issues that need to be discussed.

 

Are you going to sweep it all under the carpet forever???

 

Poppy.

[Chica80]

Reading thee makes me feel sad.

 

Why do you all settle for this?

 

It is sad... but there is a lot of happy and good that comes with it...There was for me. Or I wouldn't have stayed as long as I did. (this is my personal response not a generalization)

 

Aile I guess I could ask you the same question? That's not a dig...but some might say the same. Why do you settle for someone who has cheated on you twice? Treated you with such little regard?

 

We all have our reasons.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It is sad... but there is a lot of happy and good that comes with it...There was for me. Or I wouldn't have stayed as long as I did. (this is my personal response not a generalization)

 

Aile I guess I could ask you the same question? That's not a dig...but some might say the same. Why do you settle for someone who has cheated on you twice? Treated you with such little regard?

 

We all have our reasons.

 

Actually. Since you posted this to Aile, I was thinking before...isn't is interesting how we women are all posting to each other, BS and OW/MW, about our collective pain and suffering, each trying to convince the other side of its validity to feel suffering and love for a man who is not ours (for the OW) or who cheated on us/abuses us (for the BS). Sometimes some of us see the other side; sometimes, some can't. Many post that there are no winners in affairs, but is that really true?

 

Where are the men?

 

There are definitely a bunch of men who are BS here, and mighty direct about things, but other than Jenkins and Out and Joe (who married his AP), that is about it for the men who were the WS. There are a few who float in and out but generally speaking, men seem to be pretty fine about these things (assuming of course they were not the BS).

 

I mean, look at my xmm. Sure he was made to leave the group, his baby, but in the end he got what he had wanted all along - his wife's undivided attention.

 

I just don't think men have these issues woman do. I'm looking at my husband as I type this, watching a show in my office. He is totally fine about his affair, my affair. He's moved on. He actually was over his OW in Feb 2016. Yet here I am, a year plus later, on LS.

[Chica80]

Because as a generalization men don't let themselves be all consumed by their emotions. They do things because it makes sense. Because Decision

A is more logical than decision B. Vs versa. So what is there to think about? Or "feel.

[aileD]

It is sad... but there is a lot of happy and good that comes with it...There was for me. Or I wouldn't have stayed as long as I did. (this is my personal response not a generalization)

 

Aile I guess I could ask you the same question? That's not a dig...but some might say the same. Why do you settle for someone who has cheated on you twice? Treated you with such little regard?

 

We all have our reasons.

 

Well He's my husband. Im forgiving, I know he loves me and I know he's messed up but I didn't marry for only the good times and he's trying so there is hope.

 

But also--its my life. The life I have built over 24 years and will share with him. The family we built. I'm not settling, I'm choosing our life.

 

Ow don't have that life and essentially are giving it up or postponing it while with a man who has the life and commitment to someone else. That's what I meant by "why do you settle?" Go build your own life and family and be fulfilled.

 

I'm not settling for MY HUSBAND, I'm choosing MY MARRIAGE AND FAMILY AND HUSBAND AND LIFE.

 

This is not meant to be harsh toward OW. But there's a lot more history and ability to work through things when you make a lifelong commitment to someone. OW are usually a blip in the radar when you look at the entire marriage. We will get through this, OW was just a lesson and a bad decision that ultimately is helping to fix our marriage. It woke us up.

 

If you want to settle on being that ....blip.....then that's what makes me sad.

 

How many times have we read on here "he's working on his marriage and his wife is paying more attention to him and they're in counseling" after DDay? And where is OW? She's here crying because her life got destroyed and she can't understand why MM life isn't destroyed too. It's because you were a blip and not his life.

 

Don't settle

[BlueBobby]

I'm a MM who reads some but I don't feel much urge to post.

I think about her everyday regardless of if I let her know it or not.

 

She's much more than a blip on my radar have only known her two years less than I have my wife and I think our bond is stronger in most ways other than she's not my kids mother.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Well He's my husband. Im forgiving, I know he loves me and I know he's messed up but I didn't marry for only the good times and he's trying so there is hope.

 

But also--its my life. The life I have built over 24 years and will share with him. The family we built. I'm not settling, I'm choosing our life.

 

Ow don't have that life and essentially are giving it up or postponing it while with a man who has the life and commitment to someone else. That's what I meant by "why do you settle?" Go build your own life and family and be fulfilled.

 

I'm not settling for MY HUSBAND, I'm choosing MY MARRIAGE AND FAMILY AND HUSBAND AND LIFE.

 

This is not meant to be harsh toward OW. But there's a lot more history and ability to work through things when you make a lifelong commitment to someone. OW are usually a blip in the radar when you look at the entire marriage. We will get through this, OW was just a lesson and a bad decision that ultimately is helping to fix our marriage. It woke us up.

 

If you want to settle on being that ....blip.....then that's what makes me sad.

 

How many times have we read on here "he's working on his marriage and his wife is paying more attention to him and they're in counseling" after DDay? And where is OW? She's here crying because her life got destroyed and she can't understand why MM life isn't destroyed too. It's because you were a blip and not his life.

 

Don't settle

 

Actually no. You have it but you have it backwards. I'm not a writer, I hope I get this out right. It's not that the OW was a blip and not his life and it's not that his BS is is life and he is realizing the truth. It's that - neither of us were very important to him in the first place. It's this - look at what you wrote, here is the truth for all of us:

 

"Go build your own life and family and be fulfilled. I'm not settling for MY HUSBAND, I'm choosing MY MARRIAGE AND FAMILY AND HUSBAND AND LIFE. "

 

Do you notice anything there? Women are all about family, marriage, husband - life is last. Definitely men are about family but it's different. It's more about society, appearance, wealth, status. And naturally the wife and kids fall in that. But its not about love. All over this board men are saying they love both the wife and the ow, and I believe they do, differently, whereas woman can't. Not really.

 

The men I know are into all kinds of things, jobs, hobbies, sports, interests. What do women like? Men. And shopping. Wine. Guess what, shopping and wine are not hobbies. The OW and often the wife, we are just another interest to them. They do not want to lose the wife - or the OW -but it's not at the same level as a woman feels. Women are bred to make men the center of their universe because we feel like men are the center of our universe.

 

What do girls talk about? Boys. What do boys talk about? Sports. We need all this more than they do because we know nothing else.

 

It's like this - a BS and an OW are sitting in a field. There is a rock in between them. The BS says, "this was always my rock, I found it years ago and kept it safe, close by me, and I can't imagine life without it." The OW says, "but this rock is just meant to be with me. You weren't paying attention, you got lazy, now it's mine, I have to have it". The Rock says, "I'm just a rock."

 

And for all the women who don't understand how a man can say he wants his family but keep going back to the AP - and for the AP who also does not get it - I see it like this. You know how you go into a jewelry store and all the diamonds really just glow. I mean they sparkle like a star. But then you take them outside and it diminishes. Anyone who has had their rings cleaned knows what I am talking about.

 

A man - he wants that sparkle in the store. It's not real, it's lighting but at that moment, it IS real. It's the cocktails at a hotel bar, the stolen moments, the rush. And of course women like that too but what we really want is the relationship with the man. We want the actual person in our lives, not just the sparkle. Men already have that with their wives, they want the sparkle. This is why you see men posting here for years later or dreaming about their AP, they miss the sparkle. You really don't see that from women. Once we finally accept we are not going to be with this person, we move on and disappear from LS. But the fantasy and sparkle, I guess that is harder to give up.

 

These are just my thoughts. Generalizations of course and not to fit every person of each gender.

[Chica80]

No more t/j by me

Edited December 30, 2016 by Sunshinechica