A right mess ( a long one)

[Spiderman10]

Well, I wish I'd have found this forum two years ago, I'd probably have saved myself, my wife and the OW a whole lot of pain and heartache.

 

I guess I'm writing on here to gain some perspective, to make sense of my feelings. I'm sure that many of you will berate me for my behaviour. I know I've acted like a fool. However, here is my story..hang in there. It's quite long

 

Husband, father to two young kids with what would seem to the outside world as the perfect life. Good job, nice house, good circle of close friends, good family...but as with many people I suspect, behind closed doors it was a different story. I guess my wife and I had just got lazy with each other. No passsion, no sex life, no communication, no laughs or emotional support. Both of us to blame, but very much 'normal' I suspect.

 

Then I met the OW, at the kids school. We hit it off straight away, and within a month we were talking, texting till late, then when we had sex, she blew my mind. The OW was also 9 years younger than me. However, it's safe to say that she wouldn't normally be my type.

 

After about 6 weeks I recall the OW telling me she loved me! Wow! This is a bit quick, the OW had just come out of a 10 year relationship. We talked some more and I said that I was developing feelings for her but not love.

 

At this point my wife had no clue, life was carrying on normally, I was starting to live a double life.

 

I remember in those early days with OW, she rang me in tears. I calmed her down and asked where she was. She was at the house of another MM who she'd previously had an affair with. Behind her ex's back. I ran a mile.

 

However, I was bombarded with calls, texts and longful looks in the playground. I have to say I caved, I missed her. I let her back in.

 

Then there was the pregnancy, the OW fell pregnant. We decided together that it wasn't right to keep the baby and she had a termination. In a way, it brought me and the OW closer.

 

Fast forward another few months and we were seeing each other constantly, sex was off the scale good. Arguments had been few and far between. Then came the question. When are you going to leave your wife?

 

I had given it a lot of thought and genuinely wanted to have a conversation with my wife to say I wasn't happy and I wanted to leave. However, as was often the case, getting my wife to listen was impossible, her guard just went up all the time.

 

Then another few months passed and I'd had enough, I packed my things and went to my mothers. Explained that I needed space. The OW thought that was it, it was going to be our chance to be together. Believe it or not she started looking at houses for us! I explained that I'd been at my mothers for two days and wasn't really planning anything like house buying for a while. She understood

 

Little did I know was the OW had started to tell everyone in the playground that she was seeing me. The OW had a bit of a reputation for being a bit, shall we say, slutty.

A reputation that is heard and always turned a blind eye to. She always explained away every rumour I ever heard of her.

 

Needless to say that this rumour got to one of my friends wife's, he pulled me to one side and asked me outright. I confessed.

I asked the OW about it and she said that she didn't believe that I loved her so she did it as a test. Knowing that it would come out. Sorry, I forgot to mention that we had both said that we loved each other prior to this.

 

So then came the crunch, I had to tell the wife. The OW was sat with me in the morning, supporting me, being the rock she said she was always going to be for me.

 

I could have just got up and left my wife at that point, gone to the OW and tried to make it work. However, when push came to shove I just couldn't leave my wife and kids. I explained everything to the wife and she asked if I was staying or going. She hit rock bottom as you can imagine. I decided I wanted to stay and make a go of it.

 

I went to tell the OW that I'd decided to stay and wasn't going to have any contact anymore. She was also broken. Apparently

 

A few weeks passed, I was working at the marriage but it was impossible, I cracked again and replied to the OW. After a couple more months we ended up in bed.

 

I don't know what I was thinking really, I guess I was edging my bets. In my head the perfect scenario was to have my wife accept that we could never work and we end amicably and everyone around me to accept the OW for what I saw in her.

 

Then bang, the OW contacted my wife, told her I'd been seeing her again. It destroyed everyone.

 

That was it, I cut her out of my life for a good 6 months and things started getting better with the wife. She had IC, I had IC but no MC. She wouldn't go

 

Then the OW started to show up again, walking past my wife in school when there was no need to. It started to upset my wife. I changed our child's school to avoid her. The OW asked me why I'd moved schools and I explained why, she said that she was sorry, she was just desperate for my wife not to forget her and thus never forgive me.

 

Then the next 6 -9 months or so the following merry dance happens

 

- things tough at home, wife and I struggling

- OW gets in touch, I crack and end up talking and often meeting f2f

- She asks if anything has changed

- I say I want to try, she says she will wait

- Then she gets pissed off and disappears for a while

- Then back to the top again, but with more and more intensity and pressure

 

Then finally she has enough, she goes crazy, can't handle it any more, starts getting paranoid, aggressive, threatening and upset

 

I don't hear from her for a couple of days and then she tells me that she is struggling. I can't live the lie anymore, it's hurting her, affecting me, risking destroying my wife and any relationship with my children. So I make the choice to walk away from the OW. I tell her that she needs to move on and leave me alone

 

And she does, for a week, then her instagram profile comes public and lo and behold she's got a new boyfriend. A week after she was telling me I'm the love of her life etc etc

 

I should be relieved, I should be happy that I don't have to worry about this anymore and that I can concentrate on repairing my marriage. A marriage that I've been lucky to still have.

 

But, I can't understand how she can move on so quick, it seems that all of her words and loving was all just a facade, that she had obviously seen this new partner for longer than a couple of months.

 

I'm trying to get my head around it, I asked her to make her profile private, but she didn't respond. Just more pictures.

I'm trying to protect myself and not look at her. Every time I think of her I'm refocusing on my wife.

 

I'll get there and I've learnt my lessons. The wife and I have become much much closer. Things are improving but I don't understand my feelings. Why am I not relieved, is it love, am I missing the attention and drama?

 

Have I dodged a bullet! ?

Was I wrong to give up trying to get to the OW or was I right to walk away

[BaileyB]

The OW sounds VERY manipulative. If she had a reputation, you should have stayed clear... She manipulated you and you fell for it, hook, line, and sinker... Sorry.

 

You should focus on rebuilding your relationship with your wife and reinvesting in your family. If you haven't done it already, individual and marriage counselling would be helpful.

 

Seriously, be glad that she has moved on and turned her attention elsewhere. This woman should never have been trusted with your love and she could never offer you any kind of security and happiness long term. My guess, she will attach to another man until she becomes bored and goes in search of another affair partner.

Edited December 23, 2016 by BaileyB

[VeveCakes]

Out of this whole scenario you are upset because OW moved on to a new man?

 

How is the therapy going?

 

You need to leave your wife and allow her to have someone in her life who truly cares.

[Spiderman10]

Out of this whole scenario you are upset because OW moved on to a new man?

 

How is the therapy going?

 

You need to leave your wife and allow her to have someone in her life who truly cares.

 

Absolutely not, obviously the whole impact the affair had on everyone around me has impacted me a lot. I've lost friends and the respect of many

 

It's hard to explain what this OW did to me though, it was like an addiction, I knew it could ruin me.

 

My wife and I have had some extremely deep conversations and it's fair to say that she has been tremdously brace through all of this

 

The IC has helped us focus on the why, why it happened, why we took each other for granted etc. It's helped.

 

I understand your point, to a degree I agree with you. Many times I've told my wife that she would be be best off without me. But she doesn't want to give up

[VeveCakes]

If you want your wife you need to try harder.

 

Stop creeping exs Instagram. Hell delete Instagram if you have to.

 

Focus on your wife. What can you do to make her life better? Take the energy you spent obsessing on this OW and focus to your home, your kids, and especially your wife.

 

It's Christmas time, make it extra special for your family.

[LexiCat29]

Holy crap are you selfish!

 

YOU didn't walk away in the end, the OW did. She got sick of being jerked around and lied to and future faked. Leave her alone.

 

As for your wife..she deserves so much better. Either step up and be the man she deserves or leave her and let her find a man who does deserve her.

 

FFS pull it together! Is this what you want to teach your kids?

[Spiderman10]

Holy crap are you selfish!

 

YOU didn't walk away in the end, the OW did. She got sick of being jerked around and lied to and future faked. Leave her alone.

 

As for your wife..she deserves so much better. Either step up and be the man she deserves or leave her and let her find a man who does deserve her.

 

FFS pull it together! Is this what you want to teach your kids?

 

 

Appreciate your reply

 

 

Am I selfish? Of course I am! I had an affair for nigh on two years.

 

The OW did not end it, I did. I told her I wanted enough and that I couldn't see her. I was ALWAYS honest with the OW (ironically!) I never gave her any promises.

 

I've not stated anywhere here that I intend to have any more contact with the OW, so I'm not quite sure where you got that from. There is going to be no contact from me.

 

 

And yes, I am stepping up and being the man, dad and husband my family deserve

[Spiderman10]

If you want your wife you need to try harder.

 

Stop creeping exs Instagram. Hell delete Instagram if you have to.

 

Focus on your wife. What can you do to make her life better? Take the energy you spent obsessing on this OW and focus to your home, your kids, and especially your wife.

 

It's Christmas time, make it extra special for your family.

 

Thank you, from reading other posts on here I now realise it was an obsession and not love. That's from both the OW and my perspective

 

Dam right about SM too! Need to stay head strong

[VeveCakes]

It's hard but you can do it. I honestly found the easiest way was just to delete and block these people. Cut them out and never look back. Deleting the apps helps, trust me on that one.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Appreciate your reply

 

 

Am I selfish? Of course I am! I had an affair for nigh on two years.

 

The OW did not end it, I did. I told her I wanted enough and that I couldn't see her. I was ALWAYS honest with the OW (ironically!) I never gave her any promises.

 

I've not stated anywhere here that I intend to have any more contact with the OW, so I'm not quite sure where you got that from. There is going to be no contact from me.

 

 

And yes, I am stepping up and being the man, dad and husband my family deserve

 

You did make a promise, saying I love you is a promise to most women.

 

To answer your question I am a fWS and whether it was love or addiction, you are now going to go through basically a breakup, a breakup while you are married to someone else. Many of us have gone through this, while rebuilding our marriages at the same time. It is not easy, it is painful but it doable. In the end we have to make a choice and you need to just focus on what is most important, I am assuming it is your family?

 

There is no magic solution to make your pain go away. It just takes time and NC. Eventually one day it is just gone and you will be happy you have your family. It will take a while, could be 3 months, 6 months or a year. But stop looking at her on social media. You really should block her on all forms. Not only is it best for you, it's best for her and your wife. Everyone here needs to move on and you are driving the car.

[BluesPower]

Good grief...

 

Yeah I am going to bash a little. Men like you should not have affairs. You found an easy piece and fell in love?

 

You are such a beginner. Now that she has a new FB you are bothered?

 

I am just LMAO. Dude, you are lucky you did not find the rabbit boiling on the stove. Did you dodge a bullet, are you kidding?

 

You need to thank your lucky stars that she did not cut it off while you were sleeping so she could keep it. Good grief.

 

Ok enough bashing.

 

Look, I guess by now, you know you blew up your world. If your wife has not kicked you out yet or filed for divorce then you may have a chance.

 

You have to ask yourself, why did you and your wife let your sex life die so early in the marriage? Dude, that is a huge issue for both of you.

 

Listen, if you guys cannot or don't want to meet each others needs sexually and otherwise. Please get a divorce and find another woman that actually wants to be with you and make you happy.

 

And let your wife do the same.

 

If you guys can have a real marriage, the have it. But don't let it die like you did before.

 

Eventually she will get over the affair. But you have to do the work to help her heal. And you both have to work to keep your marriage alive.

 

If you can't, then end it. If you guys love each other and you can make it work, then get it done.

 

But do not have any more affairs, you are just too much of a rookie with that stuff. Better to be single and sleep around if you have to think about affairs.

 

Good luck....

[wmacbride]

No offense, but you've gotten involved with one of the women who you can never trust,who will manipulate you and use the "poor me" line to get what she wants. In her mind,she will always be a victim.

 

She is no victim. She knows exactly what she is doing.

 

It's sad,but people like her don't stop until they drag you down into the same dark hole they are in.For you, there will be no normal resolution unless you completely block her and tell her,in explicit terms, that you want no more contact,and if she does try, you will seek legal help. Take it from me,and ex-ow like her can be a real pain in your life post A. Most ow are hurt, they may lash out, but they have a sensible enough head on their shoulders to let it go and walk away.

 

An ow who won't can become dangerous,both physically and mentally.

 

If you can't do that, then end your M, because it's not fair for your wife to have to deal with her nonsense.

[aileD]

This is just the same old story with different characters. I swear to god. It's like my story even up to the OW having a previous MM

 

It's so tiring. I wish people could see prior to destroying their lives and their marriages that it's not special. It's the same dance played out over and over.

 

You didn't really take much blame for things. "Ow fell pregnant". No, you decided to be irresponsible and not used a condom when cheating on your wife with the town bleep.

 

"She reached out, got in touch bla bl". No. You were selfish and responded to her when you should have been honoring your wife and the reconciliation process.

 

The addiction part is a thing....but it's not an excuse .

 

You blew up your kids life and destroyed your wife for a woman who has already proven she doesn't like to find her own men, and instead uses her sexual "skills" to "victimize" weak men. And you're surprised ? She wanted a house. How's your money situation? Bet you were looking like a great catch for her to cling onto.

 

There are a bunch of OW here who would NEVER parade themselves around in front of their MM BS just to purposefully hurt her. This says a lot about the character of your OW.

 

You shouldn't be worried about that. You should be worried about crushing your wife's soul and how your poor child had to give up their classmate friends and move to a new school because you couldn't keep it in your pants.

 

You need to prioritize. If you're not going to put your relationship with your wife first then you need to let her go.

Edited December 23, 2016 by aileD

[Spiderman10]

Thanks everyone for your replies. Very much appreciated

 

This has been a total mess, I'm sure the OW has her own opinions on it but I can't think about that. I am where I am and how I move on from here is why matters most.

 

 

I do live in the same town as the OW and will inevitably bump into her. So I just need to try and avoid that as much as I can

[Spiderman10]

This is just the same old story with different characters. I swear to god. It's like my story even up to the OW having a previous MM

 

It's so tiring. I wish people could see prior to destroying their lives and their marriages that it's not special. It's the same dance played out over and over.

 

You didn't really take much blame for things. "Ow fell pregnant". No, you decided to be irresponsible and not used a condom when cheating on your wife with the town bleep.

 

"She reached out, got in touch bla bl". No. You were selfish and responded to her when you should have been honoring your wife and the reconciliation process.

 

The addiction part is a thing....but it's not an excuse .

 

You blew up your kids life and destroyed your wife for a woman who has already proven she doesn't like to find her own men, and instead uses her sexual "skills" to "victimize" weak men. And you're surprised ? She wanted a house. How's your money situation? Bet you were looking like a great catch for her to cling onto.

 

There are a bunch of OW here who would NEVER parade themselves around in front of their MM BS just to purposefully hurt her. This says a lot about the character of your OW.

 

You shouldn't be worried about that. You should be worried about crushing your wife's soul and how your poor child had to give up their classmate friends and move to a new school because you couldn't keep it in your pants.

 

You need to prioritize. If you're not going to put your relationship with your wife first then you need to let her go.

 

I accept that I'm to blame for a lot of things, I was weak and enjoying the attention and good sex!

 

Defo agree with you, the parading in front of my wife really boiled my blood.

[aileD]

I accept that I'm to blame for a lot of things, I was weak and enjoying the attention and good sex!

 

Defo agree with you, the parading in front of my wife really boiled my blood.

 

Hope it was worth it.

 

As a BS, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. My souls will never be the same. My marriage will never be the same and If it survives it will still be scarred. If it doesn't survive, why would I ever get in another relationship? It's ruined everything I wanted for my life. It's hurt my soul in ways that you can't imagine.

 

No one deserves this type of betrayal down the one person in the world that was supposed to always be there, always put me first and be my rock.

 

Next time you start thinking about great sex why don't you think about the lives you're going to destroy first and gauge is its worth it.

 

Please get help for your marriage

[BuddyX]

Hope it was worth it.

 

As a BS, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. My souls will never be the same. My marriage will never be the same and If it survives it will still be scarred. If it doesn't survive, why would I ever get in another relationship? It's ruined everything I wanted for my life. It's hurt my soul in ways that you can't imagine.

 

No one deserves this type of betrayal down the one person in the world that was supposed to always be there, always put me first and be my rock.

 

Next time you start thinking about great sex why don't you think about the lives you're going to destroy first and gauge is its worth it.

 

Please get help for your marriage

 

^^ Spot on.

And I quote;

"I could never cheat on anyone. Knowing that you destroyed someone's trust is bad, but destroying their perspective on love is far too worse."

 

To the OP. Her trolling your wife makes your blood boil. You trolling her instagram is ok?

[Spiderman10]

^^ Spot on.

And I quote;

"I could never cheat on anyone. Knowing that you destroyed someone's trust is bad, but destroying their perspective on love is far too worse."

 

To the OP. Her trolling your wife makes your blood boil. You trolling her instagram is ok?

 

Think you need to look up what trolling means

[eye of the storm]

I don't hear from her for a couple of days and then she tells me that she is struggling. I can't live the lie anymore, it's hurting her, affecting me, risking destroying my wife and any relationship with my children. So I make the choice to walk away from the OW. I tell her that she needs to move on and leave me alone

 

And she does, for a week, then her instagram profile comes public and lo and behold she's got a new boyfriend. A week after she was telling me I'm the love of her life etc etc

 

I should be relieved, I should be happy that I don't have to worry about this anymore and that I can concentrate on repairing my marriage. A marriage that I've been lucky to still have.

 

But, I can't understand how she can move on so quick, it seems that all of her words and loving was all just a facade, that she had obviously seen this new partner for longer than a couple of months.

 

I'm trying to get my head around it, I asked her to make her profile private, but she didn't respond. Just more pictures.

I'm trying to protect myself and not look at her. Every time I think of her I'm refocusing on my wife.

 

I'll get there and I've learnt my lessons. The wife and I have become much much closer. Things are improving but I don't understand my feelings. Why am I not relieved, is it love, am I missing the attention and drama?

 

Have I dodged a bullet! ?

Was I wrong to give up trying to get to the OW or was I right to walk away

 

The majority of your post is about your OW. Not your wife. You seem way more invested in your OWs feelings than your Ws.

 

How does checking the OWs instagram refocus on your W? You claim you and your W are closer, does she know you are upset that your OW was "cheating" on you?

 

It isn't love. You don't love either woman. You are just looking for attention. You love having 2 women make fools of themselves for you.

 

But don't despair, I have a feeling the OW would fall back into line with you pretty quick if wifey kicks you out. Which is why she won't make her instagram private, she is poking at you and keeping you interested. Then you can make a happy life with a woman who enjoys discussing her sex life on the playground.

[LexiCat29]

Appreciate your reply

 

 

Am I selfish? Of course I am! I had an affair for nigh on two years.

 

The OW did not end it, I did. I told her I wanted enough and that I couldn't see her. I was ALWAYS honest with the OW (ironically!) I never gave her any promises.

 

I've not stated anywhere here that I intend to have any more contact with the OW, so I'm not quite sure where you got that from. There is going to be no contact from me.

 

 

And yes, I am stepping up and being the man, dad and husband my family deserve

 

Can you blame me for thinking that you might continue to go back to her? You're still stalking her online, you're upset that she has a boyfriend, your wife doesn't know that you continued the affair after 2 DDays..so yeah..that's where I got that from..

 

I hope you do step up. But it doesn't happen overnight. You're not absolved of all guilt just because you're not sleeping with the OW anymore..it's going to be a process..so don't pat yourself on the back just yet.

 

I'm not trying to shoot you down, I'm just saying that it's not over. You acted horribly and it's going to take a lot of work to make you into a good person again.

[RecentChange]

Oh boy, what a mess. And you had unprotected sex with her? Where you having sex with your wife as well?

 

Look, I have cheated, and so has my husband – I am trying not to throw stones from my glass house, but boy oh boy is this a cringe worthy situation. I am flabbergasted that your wife is trying to work it out with you. Does she know the whole extent of the affair? The number of years, “I love you” and the pregnancy etc?

 

Have you read MacDonald’s “How to help your spouse heal from your affair”? You should be following every step. Recovery is a LONG road, and honestly I don’t know how a couple could ever recover from what you have done – but I suppose some do.

 

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_YOUR_SPOUSE_HEAL_FROM_YOUR_AFFAIR--ljm2.doc

 

What has been done is done. You have a lot of work to do. Start with STOP, just freaking STOP checking in on the other woman online. That is a total betrayal to your wife. A knife in the gut every time you do it. Its time to man up and stop acting like a silly school girl. You should be solely focused on fixing this mess. Even if that simply means giving your wife the support she needs to get back on her feet (because she is surely broken right now) in order to be strong enough to try to let you make this work – or to move on with her life.

 

I am 1 year out from D Day – and its still work EVERY day, heck its work every few hours to make things right. And to give a perspective, we are working on recovering from my few month sex only “fling” that went absolutely no contact come D Day – I knew reaching out to the OM again would have been a twist of that knife. You really got your work cut out for you.

 

Your story, and description of the other woman reminds me of a Murder City Devil song - Perhaps you do not have an alcohol addiction, but I think its still a good analogy. She didn’t fleece you of your money, but you have been stripped of your dignity. You loved the attention, the sex, the drama – All of this chaos allowed you to keep your focus outward – not on yourself, to recognize you were the source of it all. You kept choosing the drama over introspection.

 

 

Heres a story of a sinner

Who used to be a winner

Who enjoyed a life of promise and position

But the pressures of the office

And the socialite engagements

And the selfish wife’s fanatical ambition

So he turned it to the booze

And he mixed up with a floozy

And she lead him to a life of indecision

The floozy made him spend his dough

And left him lying on Skid Row

 

Rum, scotch, vodka on the rocks

As long as all the troubles disappear

He messed up his life

When he beat up his wife

The floozys gone and found another sucker

Shell turn him to the drink

Shell lead him to the brink

When the moneys gone shell leave him in the gutter

[Mr. Lucky]

The majority of your post is about your OW. Not your wife. You seem way more invested in your OWs feelings than your Ws.

 

How does checking the OWs instagram refocus on your W? You claim you and your W are closer, does she know you are upset that your OW was "cheating" on you?

 

It isn't love. You don't love either woman. You are just looking for attention. You love having 2 women make fools of themselves for you.

 

But don't despair, I have a feeling the OW would fall back into line with you pretty quick if wifey kicks you out. Which is why she won't make her instagram private, she is poking at you and keeping you interested. Then you can make a happy life with a woman who enjoys discussing her sex life on the playground.

 

Boom!

 

Spiderman10, ask yourself this - why on earth should your wife stay married to you ??? Really, what's in it for her?

 

Like many cake-eaters, you're just sorry you got caught. Not once in your lengthy post do you acknowledge the ordeal you've put your spouse through.

 

And yes, I am stepping up and being the man, dad and husband my family deserve

 

Is this while you're perusing the OW's social media and fretting over her new BF?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

The majority of your post is about your OW. Not your wife. You seem way more invested in your OWs feelings than your Ws.

 

Very true. She totally took advantage of you, and you are still chasing her. Why are you still following her and unhappy because she's in another relationship (sorry, should say, about to do to some other poor smuck what she did to you).

 

If your wife has decided to stay and try to work it out, goodness knows it must be awful for her, especially knowing that there was a preganancy and after this crazy woman spread the news to all the other parents on the playground... You need to do everything you can to TRY and be worthy of the gift she has given you.

 

Forget this other woman because she was bad news from the first day you met. Focus on your family and if anything, try to figure out why you were such an easy target for such a manipulative woman.

[Starswillshine]

I had such high hopes when I started reading this. Hearing you admit all of this... I thought you would end this post with asking how you can help you wife. How you can make this up to your wife. How you can repair the damage you have done. So disappointing. Your poor wife.

 

You are surprised that your OW has moved on so quick? Yet, you were still with your wife and basically had moved on?

 

OW has manipulated you... and she does because you allowed it. The fact she goes after your wife... and you are not completely disgusted by that?

 

Please, be honest with your wife. You didn't leave your affair... you are still there. Let her move on. Let her know there is no hope.

 

This makes me so sad.

[aileD]

I've not stated anywhere here that I intend to have any more contact with the OW, so I'm not quite sure where you got that from. There is going to be no contact from me.

 

No contact 101: stalking their social media counts as contact.

 

So does listening to old messages, reading old emails, continuing to work at the same business, and other such things.

 

Any time you spend thinking or social media-ing your OW is time taken away from your wife