A right mess ( a long one)

[MidnightBlue1980]

I would try to cut off those emotions asap before you get cut out of the M. There is only so much time a BS will allow a WS to grieve their AP if at all. Honestly whatever feelings you have left over for the AP you are going to have to quelch with reality.

 

or you just fake it. That is what I did and eventually it goes away for real.

[Spiderman10]

or you just fake it. That is what I did and eventually it goes away for real.

 

I've tried the burying head in sand technique previously and it didn't get me far :-)

 

Reality and seeing just how good my life can be without the OW, along with a very firm NC strategy is the way forward

 

(Plus the replies on here ;-))

[ladydesigner]

or you just fake it. That is what I did and eventually it goes away for real.

 

True this can work for some hence the term 'fake it til you make it'

[ladydesigner]

I've tried the burying head in sand technique previously and it didn't get me far :-)

 

Reality and seeing just how good my life can be without the OW, along with a very firm NC strategy is the way forward

 

(Plus the replies on here ;-))

 

It's great you are seeing how good the NC works. It is hard in the beginning, but eventually pays off in spades. Best of luck to you OP!

[wmacbride]

I've tried the burying head in sand technique previously and it didn't get me far :-)

 

Reality and seeing just how good my life can be without the OW, along with a very firm NC strategy is the way forward

 

(Plus the replies on here ;-))

 

If you need some added incentive, think of how the ow has treated your wife with such disrespect.

[Mr. Lucky]

Reality and seeing just how good my life can be without the OW, along with a very firm NC strategy is the way forward

 

NC goes both ways. You ensure she doesn't contact you but you also stay away from her social media.

 

And she does, for a week, then her instagram profile comes public and lo and behold she's got a new boyfriend.

 

That would be contact...

 

Mr. Lucky

[waterwoman]

It's that you went back. After seeing the hurt caused, you still decided the affair was worth your wife's pain, an acceptable price to you.

 

Yes. It took so much for me to agree to try to trust him again. My self-esteem was in the toilet, my world shaken to it's roots. If he had gone back there!?? It would have killed me.

[mikeylo]

I've tried the burying head in sand technique previously and it didn't get me far :-)

 

Reality and seeing just how good my life can be without the OW, along with a very firm NC strategy is the way forward

 

(Plus the replies on here ;-))

 

Still selfish.

 

It should be your life with your wife and children.

 

You might have already lost respect of your wife and children. Children are always watching your behavior.

[Whoknew30]

I'm gonna go a different way here...I don't think the OW manipulated you at all. I think it's bogus when BS or WS say that...no one is manipulated into an A as a married person...that's only a single person when the WS has lied about being married. All others involved had 100% knowledge that it was an A & what they were doing, there isn't any manipulation, it's the WS not wanting to really let the AP go.

 

The OW moved on bc what is she supposed to do? Wait forever for you? I was a WW & I knew darn well the OM needed to move on with his life & I also cared about him very much to where I wanted him to be happy in life. That's how you should know you don't really care about anyone in this situation...it's all about you! I don't think you love your wife that much either, I think you just don't want to lose the aspect of your family package.

 

Your story is the epitome of why OM/OW label their married AP cowards...you cowered when faced with the backlash of your actions but really aren't that into your wife...actions speak louder than words. You had DDay, you know the risk & you still were doing it.

 

Sometimes I think WS try & brainwash themselves back into their marriage, which never works. Until you honestly comprehend what your issue is (not in love with wife, insecurities, whatever it is) you'll never be happy & or a actually good husband. A are symptom of a bigger problem within either one's self or the relationship...until you know what that is, even if the A truly ends, nothing within you will change. Reconciliation is supposed to be an eye opening experience, not just motions...I hope you figure it out! Good luck

[BTDT2012]

I'm gonna go a different way here...I don't think the OW manipulated you at all. I think it's bogus when BS or WS say that...no one is manipulated into an A as a married person...that's only a single person when the WS has lied about being married. All others involved had 100% knowledge that it was an A & what they were doing, there isn't any manipulation, it's the WS not wanting to really let the AP go.

 

The OW moved on bc what is she supposed to do? Wait forever for you? I was a WW & I knew darn well the OM needed to move on with his life & I also cared about him very much to where I wanted him to be happy in life. That's how you should know you don't really care about anyone in this situation...it's all about you! I don't think you love your wife that much either, I think you just don't want to lose the aspect of your family package.

 

Your story is the epitome of why OM/OW label their married AP cowards...you cowered when faced with the backlash of your actions but really aren't that into your wife...actions speak louder than words. You had DDay, you know the risk & you still were doing it.

 

Sometimes I think WS try & brainwash themselves back into their marriage, which never works. Until you honestly comprehend what your issue is (not in love with wife, insecurities, whatever it is) you'll never be happy & or a actually good husband. A are symptom of a bigger problem within either one's self or the relationship...until you know what that is, even if the A truly ends, nothing within you will change. Reconciliation is supposed to be an eye opening experience, not just motions...I hope you figure it out! Good luck

 

Spiderman, you need to get yourself back into some serious IC. Your wife gave you the gift of reconciliation, don't blow it.

[Spiderman10]

I'm gonna go a different way here...I don't think the OW manipulated you at all. I think it's bogus when BS or WS say that...no one is manipulated into an A as a married person...that's only a single person when the WS has lied about being married. All others involved had 100% knowledge that it was an A & what they were doing, there isn't any manipulation, it's the WS not wanting to really let the AP go.

 

The OW moved on bc what is she supposed to do? Wait forever for you? I was a WW & I knew darn well the OM needed to move on with his life & I also cared about him very much to where I wanted him to be happy in life. That's how you should know you don't really care about anyone in this situation...it's all about you! I don't think you love your wife that much either, I think you just don't want to lose the aspect of your family package.

 

Your story is the epitome of why OM/OW label their married AP cowards...you cowered when faced with the backlash of your actions but really aren't that into your wife...actions speak louder than words. You had DDay, you know the risk & you still were doing it.

 

Sometimes I think WS try & brainwash themselves back into their marriage, which never works. Until you honestly comprehend what your issue is (not in love with wife, insecurities, whatever it is) you'll never be happy & or a actually good husband. A are symptom of a bigger problem within either one's self or the relationship...until you know what that is, even if the A truly ends, nothing within you will change. Reconciliation is supposed to be an eye opening experience, not just motions...I hope you figure it out! Good luck

 

I hear what you are saying, I'm also in agreement on many of your points. In retrospect

- I did take advantage

- I did manipulate the OW to a degree in certain circumstances

- I was a coward at times

- I wasn't always sure what I wanted and did let "what was the right thing to do" guide me too often

- I fully expected the OW to move on and whilst it stings, I do hope she finds happiness

- Indeed I have some underlying issues with myself and my marriage cannot be a cover for those, this is something I'm working on

 

I guess that there are many facets to an affair such as this and both the OW and myself have behaved inexplicably. The affair lasted a long time, I can look back on parts of the past couple of years and say yes to all the above, as too could the OW. It takes two to tango huh

 

The only person to come out of this with any self respect is my W.

[wmacbride]

I hear what you are saying, I'm also in agreement on many of your points. In retrospect

- I did take advantage

- I did manipulate the OW to a degree in certain circumstances

- I was a coward at times

- I wasn't always sure what I wanted and did let "what was the right thing to do" guide me too often

- I fully expected the OW to move on and whilst it stings, I do hope she finds happiness

- Indeed I have some underlying issues with myself and my marriage cannot be a cover for those, this is something I'm working on

 

I guess that there are many facets to an affair such as this and both the OW and myself have behaved inexplicably. The affair lasted a long time, I can look back on parts of the past couple of years and say yes to all the above, as too could the OW. It takes two to tango huh

 

The only person to come out of this with any self respect is my W.

 

It does take two, especially in your case where the ow knew full well you were married, and she didn't care.

 

The ow is hardly some innocent little waif. She knew full well what she was getting into, what she was doing when she hurt your wife and kids, and what she was dong when she paraded her and your A in front of others. That was a full on attempt to hurt your wife and rub her face in the A.

 

It doesn't make her an awful person, but like any other adult, she is responsible for her own actions.

[Whoknew30]

It does take two, especially in your case where the ow knew full well you were married, and she didn't care.

 

The ow is hardly some innocent little waif. She knew full well what she was getting into, what she was doing when she hurt your wife and kids, and what she was dong when she paraded her and your A in front of others. That was a full on attempt to hurt your wife and rub her face in the A.

 

It doesn't make her an awful person, but like any other adult, she is responsible for her own actions.

 

IMO...this exactly where BS mess up, with this thinking. A WS has to take ownership of their "own" actions...to be able to clearly understand why THEY had an A. Their AP is not their issue, they were their own issue.

 

The way the BS wants to think is completely different than how the WS should be thinking. If he doesn't own that his choices weren't really based on AP, but on himself than he isn't (any WS) going to truly understand why he did it.

 

He chose to bring her into his life, (wife & kid's life) & he needs to figure out why for himself & his own healing. Yes of course a BS needs to heal but so does a WS in their own way. So the blame game for WS takes away from their own crap

[Mr. Lucky]

- I wasn't always sure what I wanted and did let "what was the right thing to do" guide me too often

 

Having read your thread, I'm confused by this statement.

 

When do you think you let the "right thing" guide you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[mikeylo]

Having read your thread, I'm confused by this statement.

 

When do you think you let the "right thing" guide you?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My thoughts exactly !

 

OP, how can going around with other women while having a wife is the right thing to guide you ? Unless it was a typo ?

 

Just know that the OW will resurface and create havoc in your life. She has apparently moved on but her ego has been hurt and she won't let you move on. You need an aggressive approach for her otherwise consider your wife gone. Someone's patience and ability to forgive should not be taken lightly or worse, for granted.

[Spiderman10]

Having read your thread, I'm confused by this statement.

 

When do you think you let the "right thing" guide you?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr Lucky, there were times when I thought I'd done far too much damage to my marriage, that it was irreparable. My wife and I were at each other's throats. Understandably so, many times I thought I should just go. Walk away.

 

There were times that I genuinely thought my only chance of happiness would be with the OW. I think it is these moments that I refer to the "right" thing to do guiding me somewhat. An underlying feeling perhaps that with a clean run at things (no OW) then my marriage could start to recover and get back on track

 

I knew the right thing to do was to keep trying, my wife WANTED me to try, so did family...so did I.

 

My wife had since admitted that she was petrified of me leaving and perhaps clung on to me against her better judgement. Reason: so I didn't go to the OW, she knew it was poisonous, she actually said "if we can't make this marriage work and we break up, promise me you will not go to the OW, you can do so much better and she won't make you happy"

 

That was a while ago, I've spoken to her about this since and asked her if she regrets holding on to me. She said..No, I love you and I wanted to protect you from the OW.

[merrmeade]

Being dumped by both of them would probably have the effect you're looking for.

[wmacbride]

IMO...this exactly where BS mess up, with this thinking. A WS has to take ownership of their "own" actions...to be able to clearly understand why THEY had an A. Their AP is not their issue, they were their own issue.

 

The way the BS wants to think is completely different than how the WS should be thinking. If he doesn't own that his choices weren't really based on AP, but on himself than he isn't (any WS) going to truly understand why he did it.

 

He chose to bring her into his life, (wife & kid's life) & he needs to figure out why for himself & his own healing. Yes of course a BS needs to heal but so does a WS in their own way. So the blame game for WS takes away from their own crap

 

Part of the ws "healing" is recognizing the ow or om for what they are and the choices THEY made as well.

 

The ws has chosen his wife and family. Part of this involves protecting them from the actions of his ow. If he sees her as somehow less than capable of being responsible for her choices, he can't do that.

 

Simply put, she was willing ( and it still willing) to completely throw the op's bs and children under the bus. People who had done nothing to her and she really doesn't even know that well.

[jenkins95]

Spidey, I have only read the OP so far (intend to read the whole thread), but I just wanted to send you a big (((man hug))) from someone who has made some similar mistakes to you and dealt with many of the feelings that you have. There are also things that you have had to deal with that I haven't. I can only imagine the heartbreak and devastation of having to deal with the pregnancy. I imagine you had a few sleepless nights during that time to say the least.

 

It was all blowing up for me around summer 2015. The affair ended and I recommited to my marriage, very lucky to be given the chance... and things are much better now and I have been to some extent forgiven. But I don't think I'll ever be fully "over it". Unfortunately, when you cross the lines that we have, we will have to live with it for the rest of our lives. But that doesn't mean that our lives and our marriage can't be great again.

 

I wish you nothing but the best SpiderMan. Keep posting

[Spiderman10]

Spidey, I have only read the OP so far (intend to read the whole thread), but I just wanted to send you a big (((man hug))) from someone who has made some similar mistakes to you and dealt with many of the feelings that you have. There are also things that you have had to deal with that I haven't. I can only imagine the heartbreak and devastation of having to deal with the pregnancy. I imagine you had a few sleepless nights during that time to say the least.

 

It was all blowing up for me around summer 2015. The affair ended and I recommited to my marriage, very lucky to be given the chance... and things are much better now and I have been to some extent forgiven. But I don't think I'll ever be fully "over it". Unfortunately, when you cross the lines that we have, we will have to live with it for the rest of our lives. But that doesn't mean that our lives and our marriage can't be great again.

 

I wish you nothing but the best SpiderMan. Keep posting

 

Cheers mate, appreciated

[Whoknew30]

Part of the ws "healing" is recognizing the ow or om for what they are and the choices THEY made as well.

 

The ws has chosen his wife and family. Part of this involves protecting them from the actions of his ow. If he sees her as somehow less than capable of being responsible for her choices, he can't do that.

 

Simply put, she was willing ( and it still willing) to completely throw the op's bs and children under the bus. People who had done nothing to her and she really doesn't even know that well.

 

^ this has absolutely nothing to with his healing...she was willing, that's stating obvious or there wouldn't have been an A...& no a WS doesn't heal by continuing to think about the AP wrongs.

 

She loved him, of course she doesn't care about his wife! Haven't you ever heard the saying "all is fair in love & war"...AP are never going to care about the BS & WS know that...but dwelling on that, imo is extremely counterproductive

[BluesPower]

I have not said much on this thread but I just cannot hold back.

 

Guys you all are banging on Spidey a little too hard. And in my mind you are not hitting on all the right spots.

 

Anyway, you should leave this to someone like me.

 

Spidey, everyone is beating you up because you have been kind of a chump through all of this and here is why.

 

The tone of your posts don't sound like you are that sorry you had an affair. I get it, I sure as hell am not. Your concern for your OW shows a lot about you.

 

You and I both know that you loved hitting that stuff. It had been a while since you had some strange and it was a blast. The fact that you fell in love is what make you a chump. And late at night you wonder if she really loved you and you wonder if you would have had the balls to divorce and the two of you could have run off together, would you two have been happy?

 

Who knows, but the stats say that you and OW would not have been happy in the long run.

 

You see it would be better if you kind of just admitted this to yourself. It would certainly be a more authentic way to live and it would give you a clearer picture of your inner self.

 

Also, you did not divorce because you just love your wife so much, you stayed for the reasons that we all stay. You did not want lose all that money and break up your family. I think that is honorable for the most part but to not say it out loud is kind of weak.

 

And further, you got to wonder if your wife took you back for the same reasons. She is still attractive and could find a host of other men to marry her.

 

What you have to realize it that admitting the truth about you, your OW and your wife will actually allow you to think more clearly. But don't think that all the great sex that you had with the OW was love for either of you. That makes you a chump. It was great because it was new and you guys were having an affair.

 

Now, if you and your wife actually patch it up for real, and you have a healthy marriage with real love between you and well as regular, actual enjoyable sex, none of this silly arguing between you guys, you might make it out of this a happy man.

 

Love your wife because you love her, not because you are stuck with her. And she should do the same.

[BuddyX]

Blues, nothing like telling everyone "we're too harsh on the OP" but then calling him a chump.

 

OP. You had woman remove a baby. Every year from now on, she'll think "my kid would've been xx years old". Women think like that. She'll never forget or forgive you. She'll come back with a vengeance.

[Mr. Lucky]

Being dumped by both of them would probably have the effect you're looking for.

 

It would bring some clarity .

 

Mr Lucky, there were times when I thought I'd done far too much damage to my marriage, that it was irreparable. My wife and I were at each other's throats. Understandably so, many times I thought I should just go. Walk away.

 

There were times that I genuinely thought my only chance of happiness would be with the OW. I think it is these moments that I refer to the "right" thing to do guiding me somewhat. An underlying feeling perhaps that with a clean run at things (no OW) then my marriage could start to recover and get back on track

 

You don't mean the right thing, you mean the right thing - for you.

 

That exaggerated sense of self-preservation at all costs is what set me off since the beginning of your thread.

 

It's what gives you the entitlement to cheat in the first place.

 

It's what gives you the selfishness to continue cheating after D-Day.

 

And it's what makes you come across not as sorry but as sorry you got caught.

 

merrmeade is right, it would take you losing everything to gain the humility necessary to learn from what you've done. As they say, life is a tough teacher because the test comes before the lesson...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

That is kind of the whole point to my post.

 

He may not understand what I am saying but he will later...