A right mess ( a long one)

[aileD]

I've not stated anywhere here that I intend to have any more contact with the OW, so I'm not quite sure where you got that from. There is going to be no contact from me.

 

No contact 101: stalking their social media counts as contact.

 

So does listening to old messages, reading old emails, continuing to work at the same business, and other such things.

 

Any time you spend thinking or social media-ing your OW is time taken away from your wife

[Spiderman10]

All

 

Thank you for everyone's comments and views. I know that a topic such as this will polarise opinion. I've obviously not been able to go into minute detail in this post. So please don't assume that the above stated post is the complete story, I have focussed on the OW, as she has been the incorrect focus for far too long. this has given me a lot of reassurance. It's easy to think that friends and family give you a biased view.

 

. Admittedly, I could have done with all your advice before today. All I can say is that you're advice has reiterated what a nutter I've been.

 

I can only try my best and keep moving forward with the wife and put all this behind us for good

 

Thanks for the support and comments. All have been extremely helpful

 

Hope you all have a great Christmas x

[Mr. Lucky]

I can only try my best and keep moving forward with the wife and put all this behind us for good

 

You've taken plenty of blows here, including from me, so I'll try to keep this positive.

 

You don't successfully deal with infidelity by putting it behind you, in fact the reverse is true - you keep it in front of you.

 

Your awareness of the pain it caused keeps you from repeating the same behaviors. Your desire to help your BS feel safe keeps you transparent and accountable. And your gratitude for receiving a second chance keeps you humble and striving to be the person your spouse thought they were marrying.

 

Your goal shouldn't be to forget what happened, it should be to learn from it. Two very different things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[gettingstronger]

Yes, you dodged a bullet. But you used your wife as the human shield. What a sad situation that what you seem most worried about is the OW moving on.

[Spiderman10]

Yes, you dodged a bullet. But you used your wife as the human shield. What a sad situation that what you seem most worried about is the OW moving on.

 

Yep, it is a sad situation. Hence why I've posted on here to get perspective

 

Thanks for yours

[Spiderman10]

You've taken plenty of blows here, including from me, so I'll try to keep this positive.

 

You don't successfully deal with infidelity by putting it behind you, in fact the reverse is true - you keep it in front of you.

 

Your awareness of the pain it caused keeps you from repeating the same behaviors. Your desire to help your BS feel safe keeps you transparent and accountable. And your gratitude for receiving a second chance keeps you humble and striving to be the person your spouse thought they were marrying.

 

Your goal shouldn't be to forget what happened, it should be to learn from it. Two very different things...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Absolutely agree, life is a lesson, a constant one. Everyday is a school day

[zeeohsixer]

Dude, you are a horrible person.

[Spiderman10]

Dude, you are a horrible person.

 

 

Thanks for the constructive criticism

[mikeylo]

I'm late on this thread but just wow!

 

First, you address your wife as ' the ' wife !

 

No, it's not love. It's attention and drama. You love the chaos , the thrill of emotional up and down. Married life can become boring. It can become a chore at times but there is oneness in it.

 

Anyway, your question is how the OW moved on ? She is dangling the new guy in front of you. Just like she wants your wife to see her , she wants you to see the other guy. In short, she wants YOU to stay single and miserable. If you were to become a single guy, I can bet you , she will not want you. Some like to see others broken. Misery likes company.

 

Next time this hore passes by your wife , you go up to your wife and kiss her mad. Let the OW spew. As long as she keeps showing up, your wife and kids will suffer and you will sabotage any step forward.

 

Once you tell a person of opposite sex that you are taken and they still make advances, that should be enough to judge their character and yours as well. They are basically asking you to cheat.

 

Your wife must have a strength of a rock with an angels heart but you are on the thin line of falling on the other side. You will lose everything and no, this OW won't 'love' you. She gets sadistic pleasure of having the power to destroy your relationship. You gave it. It's time to take it back.

[BTDT2012]

Really, you should be feeling extremely foolish that you blew up your wife's world over that.

[Spiderman10]

Absolutely, thanks all for the comments and advice

 

Doing well with NC, haven't deleted IG account but have remained strong and not looked at what she's up to. Made my profile private also.

 

Focussed on having a good Christmas with my family and have been feeling much better and stronger.

 

Then out of the blue I get a "withheld caller ID" call this morning, I answer and just silence!!!

[BaileyB]

Who cares?

 

She could call you or contact you all she wants but if you are truly committed to your wife and your family, you shouldn't care!

 

Don't give this woman another moment of your time or thought!

 

You should feel foolish, this woman is manipulative and she has used you... And you come back for more, again and again... You don't really think with what's between your ears!

 

But seriously, you really do seem to like the attention and the drama. You talk about focusing on your family for the holidays like it is an accomplishment, where for most it would just be the norm. You are all talk. It does not seem like you are committed to your family or have really left this woman behind... I feel badly for your wife, she deserves so much more.

Edited December 28, 2016 by BaileyB

[Spiderman10]

Please don't assume that just because I haven't posted much about my relationship with my wife that I've not given it the attention and nurturing it deserves. My initial post was almost war and peace as it was ;-)

 

I'm completely open to peoples views and opinions. Heaven knows I've polarised many over the last year or so.

 

This thread is definitely helping though.

[BaileyB]

Please don't assume that just because I haven't posted much about my relationship with my wife that I've not given it the attention and nurturing it deserves. My initial post was almost war and peace as it was ;-)

 

I'm completely open to peoples views and opinions. Heaven knows I've polarised many over the last year or so.

 

This thread is definitely helping though.

 

With much respect, perhaps you have nurtured a relationship with your wife and provided love and attention. If we are sceptical, it is because most men who are really invested in their marriages aren't engaged in extramarital affairs. However, if it is true, then it is even more shameful that you had an affair and hurt your wife by bringing this woman into your lives.

 

If you were my husband, no amount of love or attention could negate the fact that you had an affair with another woman (a manipulative woman who most men would have seen coming a mile away, and turned in the other direction). Especially when you are still here... Enjoying the drama and attention of the unidentified caller (maybe it was her;))...

Edited December 28, 2016 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

If you were my husband, no amount of love or attention could negate the fact that you had an affair with another woman (a manipulative woman who most men would have seen coming a mile away, and turned in the other direction). Especially when you are still here... Enjoying the drama and attention of the unidentified caller (maybe it was her;))...

 

To me Spiderman10, the most difficult part for a spouse to accept isn't that you went there, we've all seen both here and in life that it happens.

 

It's that you went back. After seeing the hurt caused, you still decided the affair was worth your wife's pain, an acceptable price to you. You were getting yours, every man for himself. Wife? Family? Friends? Integrity? Reputation? Screw 'em all.

 

It destroyed everyone.

 

"It" destroyed everyone? Guess again...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kiyoma]

@Spiderman10

 

Don't feel too bad about all the "In your post your OW is more important than you wife". Take a look at the Other Women/Other Man section. You will find some egrerious married people posting. You atleast mentioned many things about your wife. But there, the only mention of their marriages is a one-line "I've having issues in my marriage a long time and it hasn't gotten better"

 

And all the self righteous find their sympathy for the poster and no one posts anything about helping out their betrayed or pushing more to really reveal what are the issues in marriages. But you are being jumped at only because you are a man and men are more susceptible to manipulation and emotional blackmail.

 

So chin up. I learnt this lesson here a long time. Only "glamorous affairs" with little detail about boring home life is what gets you positive responses here.

[aileD]

Absolutely, thanks all for the comments and advice

 

Doing well with NC, haven't deleted IG account but have remained strong and not looked at what she's up to. Made my profile private also.

 

Focussed on having a good Christmas with my family and have been feeling much better and stronger.

 

Then out of the blue I get a "withheld caller ID" call this morning, I answer and just silence!!!

 

 

Yeah, just don't answer those.

[aileD]

Absolutely, thanks all for the comments and advice

 

Doing well with NC, haven't deleted IG account but have remained strong and not looked at what she's up to. Made my profile private also.

 

Focussed on having a good Christmas with my family and have been feeling much better and stronger.

 

Then out of the blue I get a "withheld caller ID" call this morning, I answer and just silence!!!

 

 

Yeah, just don't answer those.

[BaileyB]

To me Spiderman10, the most difficult part for a spouse to accept isn't that you went there, we've all seen both here and in life that it happens.

 

It's that you went back. After seeing the hurt caused, you still decided the affair was worth your wife's pain, an acceptable price to you. You were getting yours, every man for himself. Wife? Family? Friends? Integrity? Reputation? Screw 'em all.

 

Totally. Spiderman10 says that he focused on Christmas with his family... But then posts about an "un identified caller" because he is interested that it may have been "her." Still interested... going back for more...

 

More drama and fun for you. More pain for your wife.

 

The thing that is really missing from the posts is sincere remorse, for the pain that you have caused your family. And, I would expect anger and resentment toward this woman given the fact that you were taken in by the offer of sex with a selfish woman who clearly cared so little about you... and could cost you everything.

Edited December 29, 2016 by BaileyB

[MidnightBlue1980]

Totally. Spiderman10 says that he focused on Christmas with his family... But then posts about an "un identified caller" because he is interested that it may have been "her." Still interested... going back for more...

 

More drama and fun for you. More pain for your wife.

 

The thing that is really missing from the posts is sincere remorse, for the pain that you have caused your family. And, I would expect anger and resentment toward this woman given the fact that you were taken in by the offer of sex with a selfish woman who clearly cared so little about you... and could cost you everything.

 

His post is about his affair and the ending with the other woman though. Yes he posted about the call from his xOW but that is the point of this thread, no? Do we really want to read 5 paragraphs about the holiday ornaments and the gifts his kids got, what his spouse got, the breakfast and dinner she made, the ugly sweater his uncle wore and so on? This is not AMC network. Just because he did not drown us in minutia of the day does not mean he did not spend time with his wife and kids.

 

The whole point of this forum is drama so of course....there is drama. If there was not, no one would be posting.

[BaileyB]

His post is about his affair and the ending with the other woman though. Yes he posted about the call from his xOW but that is the point of this thread, no? Do we really want to read 5 paragraphs about the holiday ornaments and the gifts his kids got, what his spouse got, the breakfast and dinner she made, the ugly sweater his uncle wore and so on? This is not AMC network. Just because he did not drown us in minutia of the day does not mean he did not spend time with his wife and kids.

 

The whole point of this forum is drama so of course....there is drama. If there was not, no one would be posting.

 

I agree with you. Nobody wants to read the details of the family Christmas... I'm just saying that the fact that OP came to post about a suspicious unidentified caller shows what I would assume to be some continued interest in the OW when he has said he wanted to be focused on his family this Christmas.

[ladydesigner]

I agree with you. Nobody wants to read the details of the family Christmas... I'm just saying that the fact that OP came to post about a suspicious unidentified caller shows what I would assume to be some continued interest in the OW when he has said he wanted to be focused on his family this Christmas.

 

Exactly that is what I read from it as well!

[BTDT2012]

Exactly that is what I read from it as well!

My WH stopped answering any unidentified calls.

[Spiderman10]

Forgive me for not being able to completely cut off emotions, whatever they're defined as, I'm only human

 

I'm getting there, I will get there

[ladydesigner]

Forgive me for not being able to completely cut off emotions, whatever they're defined as, I'm only human

 

I'm getting there, I will get there

 

I would try to cut off those emotions asap before you get cut out of the M. There is only so much time a BS will allow a WS to grieve their AP if at all. Honestly whatever feelings you have left over for the AP you are going to have to quelch with reality.