Seriously bizarre behavior

[FarAndAway]

I have been in an LDR now for about a year now. We really never had a chance to form any relationship as he moved not too long after we met. He lives on one side of the coast and I on the other. We have had amazing times and have seen each other quite a bit considering the distance.

 

He has had very few relationships in his life(we are both in our early 30's) and he has said that I am by his "biggest" one. There has been alot of talk of me moving where he is but I am afraid to leave my work, friends and the city I love.

 

One thing that has remained constant is the fact that he claims he isn't in love with me. He has never said those three words. When I ask him why he says "we never have had effecient communication;we live 3000 miles apart" Then I say "why are you with me?" He says "because I think we could have a great relationship". He has asked me to move there several times but why would I move some place where someone isn't in love with me?????

 

I decided last week to break it off. I can no longer put myself though the agony of having stronger feelings for someone than they have for me. I have made one attempt to break it off via phone but he clammed up and wouldn't say a word. It was very frustrating. I was crying and the only thing he said (in a cracked voice) was "you are really torturing me"

 

This time, I decided to write an email. I was very clear and said "it is time we part" I cannot in good conscience move to a place where a man isn't in love with me and "see" if things might work out. It wasn't a long email.. but it did explain how much he meant to me and that I was setting him "free".

 

The next morning we talked on the phone and I was pretty sure he hadn't read the email yet. I asked him and he said "oh you sent me an email" I said ummm yeah. Well, we both have IM at work. He had told me about an email a friend sent him so I knew he was in his email. Anyway, a couple hours pass, and nothing. Then he starts IM'ing me about normal stuff!!! NEVER MENTIONING MY EMAIL. That was Friday morning. Since then, he has called me more than ever and been "different" and mentioning me moving there and so forth...

 

wtf???? If someone sends you a break up email.. why wouldn't you acknowlege it? Never mention it? Go as if nothing happened? On top of that, to step up phone calls and be extra sweet??? WHY??? If he doesn't love me, then what is this all about??? I am so confused...

 

thoughts please?

[d'Arthez]

It seems like you are a psychological base-line to him, but not much more than that.

 

You want more from him than he offered, and when you expressed that in your break-up email, he realized he had to make at least a bit of an effort to try and keep in a relationship with you. If you fall for it, chances are high, that the same patterns will return. Unlesss he is going to change, and that is difficult to predict.

 

If he would acknowledge the e-mail, that would be the end of the relationship. Therefore he does not acknowledge it - either to keep you on a string, or to work on things.

 

Why would you be moving across the country, and leaving everything behind, for an uncertain future? Is he willing to do the same? LDRs are extremely hard, but if there is no end of the line, they will not work out.

[Outcast]

One thing that has remained constant is the fact that he claims he isn't in love with me. He has never said those three words. When I ask him why he says "we never have had effecient communication;we live 3000 miles apart" Then I say "why are you with me?" He says "because I think we could have a great relationship". He has asked me to move there several times but why would I move some place where someone isn't in love with me?????

 

He's being smart, I think. He realizes that you can't really know if you are in love with someone unless you spend lots of IRL time with them.

 

Are you sure he got your email?

 

You can live a safe life and not even try to make this relationship work or you can take a chance and maybe get a great guy. Do you think you will find someone like him or better again? Think about this hard. There were some posts I read here the other day about how hard it is to meet people that you click with on all levels. If you think you do with this guy, maybe you should try it out. Get a job in his city first and live in your own place there for a while, and if it doesn't work out, move back home. Consider it an adventure.

[Israfil]

Originally posted by Outcast

You can live a safe life and not even try to make this relationship work or you can take a chance and maybe get a great guy. Do you think you will find someone like him or better again? Think about this hard. There were some posts I read here the other day about how hard it is to meet people that you click with on all levels. If you think you do with this guy, maybe you should try it out. Get a job in his city first and live in your own place there for a while, and if it doesn't work out, move back home. Consider it an adventure.

 

Agreed. If you think there might be even the slightest chance that you would be happy with this man, then you should be willing to take some risks for love.

 

Originally posted by D'Arthez

Why would you be moving across the country, and leaving everything behind, for an uncertain future? Is he willing to do the same?

 

I think this is a very important question, to which the answer would speak volumes. Is he willing to move for you? Are you equally as willing to move for him?

 

I know someone who claims to be totally in love with another - would be married if they lived in the same place - yet won't take any risks (moving etc.) for that love. That speaks volumes about the commitment level. Pathetic.

 

 

 

You only live once. So learn to LIVE.

[FarAndAway]

D'arthez,

 

What does being a psychological line to someone mean? He isn't the kind of guy that needs someone in his life. In fact, he hasn't had many serious relationships. He is able to be alone. I am confused.

 

You say he is keeping me on a string. Ok, well, there has to be a reason for this and a good one at that. He is a handsome man with good qualities, he could find a girl easily. Why keep someone on a string 3000 miles away that you are not in love with? Actions are not being backed up here so I am really lost.

 

Outcast,

 

He has never once conveyed his feelings to me. He is not what you call a sentimental person. However, he is affectionate.

 

He is not willing to move. He is in a job situation that if it works out, he will gain a ton of money in the next couple of years. Enough, that he wouldn't have to work again. He has asked me numerous times to move there and doesn't understand my hesitence. He thinks I should drop every thing and move there. Leave friends... and well paying job with amazing benefits. I HATE where he lives and he knows it. He also hates it too. I am wondering if this guy is capable of loving?

 

Israfil,

It's a very expensive part of the country and I wouldn't be able to afford to live on my own. I would have to live with him. I am all about adventures, but this is a life risk. I would be heading towards someone that isn't in love with me. Not the adventure I like.

 

I guess I am just very perplexed by his actions after making it clear that we won't work out. I guess if I got the same email from someone, I wouldn't be that hurt seeing as I didn't love that person and I would certainly acknowledge the email and let that person go.

[Outcast]

he will gain a ton of money in the next couple of years. Enough, that he wouldn't have to work again.

 

I HATE where he lives and he knows it. He also hates it too.

 

So is the plan to earn the 'ton of money' and then move away? If he hates the place, is he willing to leave it after a while?

 

I am wondering if this guy is capable of loving?

 

It worries me that people seem to think that loving someone means giving up all plans and common sense. It sounds like he has a good plan for his financial future and maybe not one you can find every day. You have a good job and amazing benefits, but that can be easier to find again. So if he wants to make a lot of money and then move someplace else, what's the problem?

 

It's a very expensive part of the country and I wouldn't be able to afford to live on my own

 

Maybe you could find a house to share or a room in a house for a while?

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by FarAndAway

D'arthez,

 

What does being a psychological line to someone mean? He isn't the kind of guy that needs someone in his life. In fact, he hasn't had many serious relationships. He is able to be alone. I am confused.

 

You say he is keeping me on a string. Ok, well, there has to be a reason for this and a good one at that. He is a handsome man with good qualities, he could find a girl easily. Why keep someone on a string 3000 miles away that you are not in love with? Actions are not being backed up here so I am really lost.

 

For some people relationships at distance are more comfortable than real life relationships. Because it requires less of an effort, because he can still keep his life; without knowing the guy, you can come up with a ton of reasons. These don't necessarily have to do with you, but with him.

 

The thought "I think we can have a great relationship" does not prove a thing. I may think I can have a great relationship with Britney Spears. It does not mean that it will happen, or is even likely to happen. You can't live your life on potentials. For a relationship you need realized potentials.

 

It may be easy for him to find a girl. But does that girl offer him the same benefits? Does she have the same assets, emotionally and intellectually speaking? And the same holds true for you. Are you really convinced that he is a true diamond, or is it infatuation, that makes you believe that? These are questions you have to consider.

 

If he loved you, he would understand your hesitation - after all it is a big deal to leave everyone and everything behind for something that is far from a certainty. There are conditions that make it impossible for him to understand your viewpoint (autism), but let's assume that that is not the case.

 

Has he been in more LDRs? What caused his prior relationships to fail? LDRs are extremely hard to maintain, even in the best of situations. If communication was always a problem in his prior relationships, that is something you must take note of. Being 3,000 miles apart, both tied to a job, and hating the place where he lives are not going to improve the odds that things will work.

 

You write that you have an amazing job yourself, with great benefits. He does too. But the world does not revolve around money. There is more to happiness than possessing a load of money. Just as there is more to happiness than just love.

 

Risking everything you have, for something uncertain, and someone who does not sound in love with you, is very risky. You may come to resent him, for the terrible and isolated life you would have if you lived with him. With perhaps a practically destroyed career - with of course no single guarantee that it will magically work out. And where would it leave you?

 

I am all for taking the leap of faith. But I am highly afraid that if you would do so, you would end up in a terrible situation, and would end up resenting him, for your life with him. The fact that "he" would have forced you to give up your job, your friends, in short almost everything to be with him.

 

If you want to pursue things with him, you need to make concrete plans on how to deal with the issues, and what the plans are for the future. If you do that, you are maximizing the chances that things will work out between the two of you - but it will not be a certainty.

[FarAndAway]

Interesting, I never thought of it like that. So you are saying it's comfortable for him to have a voice on the other line without physicalness? His past relationships have been meager. His first girlfriend, he claimes was "young" and the other relationship after that, she was effed up in the head, manipulated his feelings and didn't let him get close. He claims he didn't love her either. Maybe this is a comfortable relationship but he has gone out of his way to keep me from "leaving." Since my visit last month we have made no plans to see each other. He got chewed out at his job for taking alot of time off (not necessarily because of me) and I have no vacation left. We have always had something in the pipe as far as seeing each other.

 

You are right, money isn't everything. But I suspect I might end up resenting him. There have been moments where I was at his place for extended periods of time. He had to work while I was there and I was alone in his house in a crappy city. I guess it would be a taste of the real life. I could almost justify it *IF* he loved me.

 

Short of telling him to **F** off, I don't know what to do. It's not my style to do that anyway. I care for him alot but I have begun to back my love off for him. I feel like I am the twilight zone.

[Israfil]

Originally posted by FarAndAway

Why keep someone on a string 3000 miles away that you are not in love with?

 

Because it’s comfortable, and easy. You have all of your emotional needs fulfilled and don’t have to deal with the negatives and other realities of a real-life relationship.

 

Originally posted by FarAndAway

He has never once conveyed his feelings to me.

 

Originally posted by FarAndAway

I am wondering if this guy is capable of loving?

 

Originally posted by FarAndAway

I am all about adventures, but this is a life risk. I would be heading towards someone that isn't in love with me. Not the adventure I like.

 

Originally posted by FarAndAway

I feel like I am the twilight zone.

 

Read what you wrote above.

 

Now read it again.

Why are you even contemplating staying in a “relationship” with him???

[smile95]

far and away

 

I have the same questions...Iwas in a LDR for over 3 yrs.....I could not figure out what it was he was getting from me? We did say I love you and all but he would harldy make an effort with me. Everyone told me it was comfortable for him. He had a great job where he was...he had me there when ever and I jumped for him, he was single(almost divorced and a child) and here I was a good looking gal after him and loving him. Why would he want to change that? I am all for taking a leap of faith. But really, think first. I personally would not move unless I knew he loved me.