40 and alone

[rainrhonda]

I'm a 40 yr old female. Never married, no kids.

Also an only child...no nieces or nephews.

 

I have just had nothing but failed relationships. I don't blame it on my looke, I have self -esteem, told that I am attractive, etc. I have been active with online dating for years...which always leads to one failure after another. For various reasons, so there isn't exactly a pattern to rectify.

 

My friends are all married with kids or single parents with kids. Despite my effort to have a social life, these people rarely have the time for it. I am alone in everything...eating, sleeping, everything. I still manage to travel and do some things I enjoy, but 98% of the time, I have to do it all alone.

 

I don't know what else to do. I'm so afraid of growing old alone and dying alone . I'm ok with not having kids. But not okay with going throug life all by myself. My parents are getting old and once they are gone, I have no one left. I can ask a Dr for depression meds but that make me not alone anymore ? No it won't. There is no pill to replace a husband and children I never had. So how do I accept thiz without feeling worthless/suicidal? I have no hope left..the only men I meet usually "don't want a relationship right now". I'm 40 ...I don't have time for that b.s.

 

All I know left to do is how to accept that I will be alone forever. It's every person's worst nighmare. So how do I do this?

[sorano]

well, Im going to be 35 in january. No girl friend. I got dumped last year. All of them failed anyway. I honestly keep really busy with my work, the gym and my hobbies. My hobbies are keeping me sane. My neurologist told me to keep busy all the time and don't ever stop your hobbies. He also told me to have a set routine. I guess humans are a creature of habit. I have 4 hobbies and I have a set routine which I do all the time. It really keeps me sane. I also learned to love myself more than other people. I feel happy when I am alone now. I love my independence. I honestly dont really anybody. After this break up I had? I just have no desire to date women anymore. I called it quits. Its over.

 

Not trying to make this depressing. This just works for me. Yea I get a relapse every now and then when a certain event reminds me of my ex, but, it will be just a memory one day. Or the thought of being alone. I just look at it this way. More money for me, more time for me, more things I want to do. etc.

 

Just to emphasize on one thing? The gym. besides my hobbies, if it wasn't for the gym, Id be doing drugs, in jail, or do something stupid. It saved my life and changed my path when I was younger. It really did make me into a better person. I consider it therapy. I don't bodybuild anymore. You will be surprised how many people I talk to in the gym say the same thing. If it wasn't for the gym, they would be dead.

Edited December 24, 2016 by sorano

[BaileyB]

I feel your pain. It's hard to watch friends get married and have kids when it just never seems to happen for you. It's also hard to watch parents grow older and know that someday, they will be gone and you will be even more alone.

 

I've had a similar experience. Thankfully, my brother is married and I have a niece and nephew who I love like my own. And, I have dear friends who have included me in their families. But, it's not the same as having your own family. I lost my mom several years ago and my dad has moved on, it was so easy for him and it's been so difficult for me.

 

Like you, I've had a good life - I've worked hard and I have a good career, I have traveled the world, and I have had many wonderful experiences. But still, I was lonely.

I will say, I didn't think it would happen for me and I've always wondered why... Until I met the most wonderful man two years ago. It's was a rather lucky introduction, but I'm happy to say that I have found love for the first time, at 40. He is so kind, he tells me all the time that he can't believe that I was single for so long. I tell him, I was just waiting for the right man... I feel truly blessed and I don't take this opportunity for granted.

 

I have shared my story because I don't want you to lose hope. I never thought it would happen for me, but I am proof that you are never too old to find love. Continue to put yourself out there - meet people and try to enjoy your life... You never know what is around the corner.

 

Best wishes.

[rainrhonda]

Thanks.

 

They say you should be happy alone before you can be happy with someone else...I have no problem there...I like my ME time, even fine living alone, doing what I want when I want. I'm just worried that I'm stuck this way forever. I don't want to be happy alone forever...lol.

[SoleMate]

If you want a husband, don't give up. There are definitely men out there who do want relationships. Yes, it's a bit late to plan for kids, but stepkids and adoptive kids are still a possibility. I recommend you take a look at your life goals and then ask yourself whether you are doing everything you can to achieve them. Since what you've been trying hasn't been workingm, try something different.

[BaileyB]

I used to feel the exact same way. I used to worry that I would be stuck that way forever and that even when it happened, I would be so set in my ways that I wouldn't know what to do... I will say, when you meet the right person, all of that is forgotten.

 

I had a fortune cookie that I kept for years... It read "It takes very little make a happy life." And, I do believe that.

 

Just try to live with gratitude for what you have because others in this world wish for the things we have in our lives. And remember, things aren't always what they appear... I'd rather be single than be in an unhappy marriage, or dealing with a child with an addiction, or dealing with a serious health concern, etc... There is always something to be grateful for...

 

It's no consolation when you feel like you are stuck on the outside looking in... I know. We can set goals, and go about working to achieve those goals... But finding someone for a relationship is something that we just can not "make" happen, despite our best attempts sometimes.

 

I just thought I would share my story to help you to see that, you just never know where life will take you... If you stay open to the possibility.

 

Happy holidays!

Edited December 24, 2016 by BaileyB

[Tressugar]

I don't know, but call me an optimist. There's plenty of women who naturally had healthy kids after the age of 40 using their own eggs.

 

My sister's friend just had a beautiful healthy baby girl last year at the age of 46. She had to wait until her chemo was completed. She conceived very quickly and I'll add all natural.

 

Look at Nancy Grace, Hallie Berry, Tori Spelling and the list goes on.

 

I plan on being another woman who's done it quite successfully to be added to the successful after 40's stories.

 

Don't believe the lie that you need a man. You don't need a man to raise gifted children either.

 

Much blessings to you in 2017.

[BluEyeL]

If you have the financial means you could become a single mother by choice. Either with a sperm donor or by a adoption. I met three mothers who adopted three girls from Russia about 15 years ago and they were all happy and all friends. They were in their 50s so probably adopted in their 40s and gave up on men.

 

I'd do it if I were in your position .

 

 

As for finding a man, I was 42 when I met my fiancée. Online . There are men who want relationships. Hire a dating coach if you can afford it. There are more affordable ones and it worked for me because I wasn't doing great on my own.

Edited December 26, 2016 by BluEyeL

[losangelena]

I mean, I'm 36, single, no kids, etc. I have two roommates who are both 40+ who are in the same situation. But just because you're 40 and single doesn't mean your life is over. Maybe it's where I live (L.A.), but there are a lot of people who don't settle down until they're that age.

 

You still have a lot of options. Keep dating. As BEL says, you can always adopt or foster on your own. I know a lot of women don't want to do that, but it is an option. You have options, you're just bogged down with that "woe is me" feeling. I get it, I feel that loneliness sometimes, too, but nothing is dire here.

[No_Go]

Are you ok with adoption? You can adopt a child on your own, or later in life when you meet a good partner.

 

For biological kids - if you haven't done it yet, go get your eggs frozen. It is a little late to do it at 40, but if your ovarian reserve is sufficient, you can do it. It will buy you a decade for having biological kids. Just whenever feel ready, with partner or alone, you get your frozen eggs and do an IVF.

 

For finding the right men - I'm in the same boat as you. Just turned 32 and ended a RL that I though was going towards marriage. No desire to date right now, and I don't want to force it. Whenever time comes - I'd be open to meeting men. But I'd take the same steps as I advised you in terms of children (consider egg freezing and/or adoption).

[jaimster]

don't panic! I'm in my early fifthys now , divorcing for the second time still I feel very optimistic and excited about what's around the corner..

 

you are 40 attractive , work on your self get to know your self ,, really realign your your goals , beliefs , keep doing your rituals , working out hobbies , your work career , work on the kind of men you want - NOT " what you can get"

I have found that meditation helps a great deal too ..

 

don't loose faith In finding love!

[mammax3]

...and if you're looking to meet a man, go out and do something you love - or something you've always wanted to try. A book club, rock climbing, ballroom dancing, axe-throwing, boating...

 

At 40 (with three kids and no possible partner prospects) someone told me to

 

be the person you'd like to meet

 

I thought that was kinda cool.