in-laws

[Mei]

I've had this problem for the last 2 years, who hasn't?

 

But I am bound for the in-law's house this weekend, and at the thought I am filled with dread. We come from very different families. I'm bi-racial, with radical parents (my 71 year old dad firmly believes that all drugs should be legalized, although he isn't a drug user himself). I grew up in a loud, rambuctious house where it was required to discuss philosophy at the dinner table. My parents always encouraged me to celebrate my differences and never be a follower.

 

His parents are SUPER conventional. His dad's the youth minister at church, they are pillars of the community. Politics and religion are strictly off-limits topics because they think it creates conflict. I even had to sleep in the guest bedroom before we were married, even while we were engaged (which was never an issue with my family). My guy is two different people. At home, and pal-ing around with my family, he's a radical outspoken confident guy. But when he gets around his family his self-esteem deflates to nothing and he gets really self-conscious and sensitive.

 

So I have nothing to say to them, and my guy bites his lip as well. I have a hard time dealing with the visits - I get pissed off, basically, but of course I have to keep it to myself. And I get no support from hubby, he's a mess of insecurities as long as we are in the area. It's like his self-esteem has geographical boundaries.

 

Also, I have a huge bone to pick with his dad. Every time we go there, I hear dad-in-law saying to hubby, "You COULD have been a star but you just didn't have it in you, son. Some of us are born to soar, others have to walk. You're a walker" and of course sis-in-law is a "soar-er". I boils my blood because I think dad-in-law is a big fat a-hole, but no one speaks up to him because he's a grown man and still has temper tantrums.

 

How to survive?

[Tony T]

It's a big world out there. There are a lot of people. All kinds of people. One thing we have to learn is to get along with everybody or at least to tolerate the people we can't get away from.

 

It's not like you have to be around these people every day...this is just a vist. It doesn't have anything to do with biting your lip...it's got to do with enriching your life with a little something different for a short time. It's just life and there's no getting around it.

 

When I was in college, I had a group project in political science. The group consisted of five students, including myself. I was sort of the leader and the other four looked upon me to do all the work. I got really upset all the time and put my foot down hard....

 

....So I went to the professor and told him the others in the group were giving me a hard time and I was doing all the work and I was pissed. He told me, "Tony...this is part of the learning process. In life there are always going to be asxholes. Learn to deal with it..."

 

Unknown to me, the other four in the group also went to the professor and told him I was being a real jerk, not cooperating with them and causing dissention within the group. The professor told them..."this is part of the learning process. In life there are always going to be asxholes. Learn to deal with it."

 

I seriously doubt you're going to ever change these people but you can change yourself. Don't take what they say personally. Make an absolute decision not to give power to anything they say. Whatever they say, smile...agree with them...and laugh you head off underneath. If you don't give power to what people say, it will never affect you.

 

In life there are always going to be asxholes. Learn to deal with it.