She left after 17 years.. I'm crushed.

[Goondaddy]

It's actually been more like a rough 27, she was 17 and I was 19 when this all began..

 

For the first four years, we had a 6-month revolving door relationship, where I'd be replaced every six months by another guy, then it was my turn again, we definitely had a lot of fire and ice, and then we had a 4-year hiatus, where we were friendly, I'd spend time with her son (not mutual, but I stepped up as father), and things were ok...

 

I got in a terrible car wreck in 1999, and had a room full of ex-girlfriends, including her, she stayed well after the others left, and told me that she loved me, and that she thought she'd lost me forever, (My first helicopter ride, woohoo)...

 

So we started talking again, and she told me to come over, at which time one of my "Replacements" was there, and exclaimed "F--- this" and quickly walked out. We had lots of crazy sex for weeks, and a relationship progressed from there.

 

I was still pining for an ex (my bad), but she held on to me, brought me through hard times, and then dumped me two years later, that lasted two months, and when I was ready to move on with a gal that I'd been seeing, she swooped in and got me back.

 

We have gone through many hard times, we lost our house 7 years ago because of a crooked landlord, and she'd lost her job months earlier (she hadn't worked since), and during our time living separately with family members, I cheated 5 years ago, I was fed up with her inactivity to improve our situation, so I tried to break up with her, found a gal that I liked, and before I knew it, we were in bed and I was on my way, or so I thought.

 

She used our son (born in 2000) as a weapon to bring me back in, and I allowed it because she promised to also get off of her butt and work, and actually be a partner in our purchasing of a new home, (which I did alone three years ago), so the last five years have been ok, we didn't really fight about much other than her unemployment, and my not spending time with her, which I would explain that I'm resentful of her not working, and she's resentful of the home because she's always there.

 

So, I told her in August, that she should consider either finding a job, or consider living elsewhere, this was a gross miscommunication on my part, because I would have never gone that far, but I had hoped that she would have seen that the issue was of great importance to me, and act accordingly, as she said the same to me back in the first four years, and it was a great motivation to get off my butt and earn my keep.

 

Fast forward to October 27, she's had her new part-time, minimum-wage job for almost two weeks, and she has a look on her face when I got home, I asked during dinner if there was something we needed to discuss, at first she said no, then a moment later, she said yes, finish dinner first, then we can talk.

 

She had told me after dinner that she was leaving, because I didn't spend time with her, I belittled her (to get her to work), and that I didn't respect her time with friends (she would leave at times while I was at work and not be home until late). So the job was apparently taken as a catalyst for her escape, but I don't see her reasons for leaving as being enough for her to leave, and given her track record (why this is so long), makes me wonder if she's looking for greener grass...

 

As of now, I've done some work on myself, lost 60 pounds (I worked for most of it), I have the house, most of her stuff in it still, and our youngest son, she moved to her sister's house, and is socially active and works, she's seen our son 6 times in the last two months. She's had him two nights, she blames her work schedule, but, if she wanted it, nothing would stop her.

 

She has a car here, an old chev, and we were kind of working on it, but I refused to subsidize it because she wasn't working, since she's been working, we have gotten it running and replaced the wiring, but only because I know what I'm doing, and she finally has money to invest. She talks of long-term repairs, stuff that takes months worth of weekends, of her and I working on this thing, but on the other hand tells me that our relationship is over, that she's closed off entirely, and has no interest in reconciliation.

 

We are still on fair terms, I did the begging/bugging thing for six weeks, I've just backed off and worked on myself now, I know the situation is pretty grim, and I've found many issues with myself that I've remedied, but this work that she can't see without interaction. how do I proceed? I'd like to get her back and make things right with her.

 

She obviously has feelings, she says that I'm saying and doing all of the right things, but she can't do it right now. I am lost. Edited to add that she refuses to hold me, and hugs are extremely strong, but one-handed, like she's trying to keep a little distance to keep feelings and chemicals at bay...

Edited December 24, 2016 by Goondaddy
added info.

[Marc878]

She's cheating. You can never nice them back. Cut that crap out. You need to do a hard 180.

 

Never cry beg or plead it just make you look weak and unnattractive.

 

Join a gym, etc and move on with your life.

 

She's a lost cause. File and put her stuff in bags in the garage

[Bromeo]

Goon,

 

My brother, I feel so much for you. I only lasted 18 months with mine, and the pain has been severe. I didn't even hurt this bad when my wife of a 12 years left me. Twice, and took my 9 year old 800 miles away.

 

My ex gf did the same distancing thing. And even told me she couldn't see me because she was worried she'd be sucked back in. I only had 5 or so months of pushing and pulling, 17 years and Id be done. Online fist bumps.

 

For some perspective, I have a crazy awesome job that I worked years to get. I own my home, and had previously fun hobbies. For the last five months or so, I've been living in my bathtub when not working.

 

I did absolutely all the wrong things, pleaded, kept nc, kept lc, emailed, gifts, texts, stalked her FB, you name it. I want to stress I've NEVER acted like this before, at any time in my life. Ever.

 

Cut yourself some immediate slack. I've learned positive self talk, exercising more, be patient and kind to yourself, reading, hobbies, and most of all, time will help. Oh, and video games do wonders when the emotions set in, if you are a gamer.

 

It's like a stopper gets pulled out, and all the pent up emotions come out in a rush. And you have to ride the waves until it calms down. I've been stabbed, and in multiple firefights, and never felt this off.

 

To summarize, you must cauterize this wound and let it begin to heal by eliminating or drastically reducing contact with her. She, as mine does, knows that we are hurting. Then give yourself time to sort things out.

 

There are some great listeners on here, some poor ones, and some very lost souls. I came here looking for magic advice, and I've developed some solid online friends as a result. The world is a small place, and people will listen and help if you will let them.

 

Dave

[Goondaddy]

She's cheating. You can never nice them back. Cut that crap out. You need to do a hard 180.

 

Never cry beg or plead it just make you look weak and unnattractive.

 

Join a gym, etc and move on with your life.

 

She's a lost cause. File and put her stuff in bags in the garage

 

 

The problem with her stuff, it's almost all hers, I wasn't much of a person when I got back together with her, I had nothing of my own with the exception of a car, motorcycle, and some tools.

 

I'm working out like crazy, just bought a weight bench and treadmill since the crummy weather doesn't allow me to do my daily six miles.

 

And I know the begging makes me look like crap. I've stopped all of that manure.

 

Now, "She's cheating", I have my suspicions, but since she's not here and I have limited contact, she may as well be on another planet. But, you think?

[Bromeo]

Goon,

 

Truly, this time is for you to get your head right. It doesn't matter what she is doing or with who, you will not be able to be your best version right now.

 

I was the same. I took such a hit to my confidence and self esteem that I surprised myself how far I'd fallen.

 

You've got to pull back a bit, get some perspective, and work on yourself.

[Goondaddy]

Goon,

 

Truly, this time is for you to get your head right. It doesn't matter what she is doing or with who, you will not be able to be your best version right now.

 

I was the same. I took such a hit to my confidence and self esteem that I surprised myself how far I'd fallen.

 

You've got to pull back a bit, get some perspective, and work on yourself.

 

 

That's the plan man, like I said, I've lost 60 pounds, the house is always clean when she comes over, I don't stalk her, she works retail at a parts store and I go everywhere but there now.

 

I've had many discoveries about what I've done wrong, and other than her escape plan and her laziness, she wasn't that bad of a person, I actually love her, I've just been insensitive to her needs figuring that since I paid for everything, I didn't have to do much more. I've definitely taken responsibility for my mistakes.

[Satu]

The way forward lies in acceptance.

 

Don't resist.

 

Adapt to this change and make your life without her enjoyable.

 

Do new things, meet new people, go to new places.

 

Life goes on.

 

 

Take care.

[Goondaddy]

Goon,

 

Truly, this time is for you to get your head right. It doesn't matter what she is doing or with who, you will not be able to be your best version right now.

 

I was the same. I took such a hit to my confidence and self esteem that I surprised myself how far I'd fallen.

 

You've got to pull back a bit, get some perspective, and work on yourself.

 

 

Well, confidence isn't an issue, I've been hit on by her friends, a 19 year-old cashier at the store (that was hard to turn down), been on many dates already, and partied like I was twenty again. Of course the self-esteem is quite high too....

 

As far as working on myself, I know that I'd neglected her emotional needs out of resentment of her laziness and failure to uphold her promise that I wouldn't be in the financial mess alone, but there really wasn't much more to it, which is why I think she's gone out for greener pastures.

[Bromeo]

Good job on all the work. I took up long runs, six miles or longer at a time, enrolled in a writers workshop, and signed up for entry sommelier classes. I had been a diehard semi pro mma fighter for ever, and wanted to learn something that had nothing to do with hitting people.

 

I also wanted some passive get back after months of games. After I saw she was checking my FB, I started dropping pics showing how awesome life is. Even with this, she told me how awesome her new man is, and how awful I was. Go figure. After that call I officially let go.

 

I struggled with guilt for awhile, and sometimes still get stabs about it. That's natural. Just roll with it for awhile.

 

What is your plan moving forward?

[BluesPower]

Listen, do you realize that your relationship is and has always been completely dysfunctional? That both of you are dysfunctional people?

 

Here is the other thing. Most likely, she started cheating when she started her little job. Or she had a guy on the side before she started working.

 

You sound like you have been around so you probably don't care that she is sleeping around, I mean you have done it, and she is the same way.

 

So that is not really a big deal, and I get that.

 

But for you, all the work that you are doing to get yourself together really will not help you as a person if you don't start to understand some deeper stuff about yourself and the dysfunction in your life and your marriage.

 

You see all that touchy feely stuff, stuff about emotions and feelings will actually help you to find a woman that will be a good partner for you.

 

It is not your wife for sure because she is a mess. But if you learn what a healthy relationship looks like you will be able to actually find one.

 

And it also helps to find and healthy loving woman that wants to be with you and take care of your needs and build an actual healthy life together.

 

I am learning all this stuff and it makes me realize what a hot mess I have been. It also made me realize how much one of my best GF's really loves me and that my STBXW need to get the hell out of my house and my life.

 

Does any of that register with you?

[Goondaddy]

Good job on all the work. I took up long runs, six miles or longer at a time, enrolled in a writers workshop, and signed up for entry sommelier classes. I had been a diehard semi pro mma fighter for ever, and wanted to learn something that had nothing to do with hitting people.

 

I also wanted some passive get back after months of games. After I saw she was checking my FB, I started dropping pics showing how awesome life is. Even with this, she told me how awesome her new man is, and how awful I was. Go figure. After that call I officially let go.

 

I struggled with guilt for awhile, and sometimes still get stabs about it. That's natural. Just roll with it for awhile.

 

What is your plan moving forward?

 

My plan moving forward? Pretty simple in fact. I want to sort out the issues that ran her off, for my own best interests first, hers second. I want to become more fit, healthier, as I've indulged in smoking and drinking to alleviate some stress. I've already started eating better, making better life choices. I have a kick-a$$ job already, and the rest of my life is already together.

 

I'm honestly just reeling from her leaving after our time together, how easily she did it (I know that monkeys swing from tree to tree as this is likely the case), my son and I both miss her, and I'd like to reconcile, but if she's already on her way emotionally (which is the only way she's left me in the past), she's on her way and there isn't a darned thing I can do but remind her occasionally that I'm here.

 

I'[m still concerned about the future planning for her and I to work on this car together, seems awfully odd that she would make these comments about such lengthy future plans with our relationship on the rocks. Maybe she's just waiting for me to get myself together? Maybe she's actually minding her own business and scaring me straight? I know for a fact that I wouldn't have made these strides with her here.

 

She also claims that she needs time to "Breathe", which I heard as breed, but who knows? I have been wrong before...

[Goondaddy]

Listen, do you realize that your relationship is and has always been completely dysfunctional? That both of you are dysfunctional people?

 

Here is the other thing. Most likely, she started cheating when she started her little job. Or she had a guy on the side before she started working.

 

You sound like you have been around so you probably don't care that she is sleeping around, I mean you have done it, and she is the same way.

 

So that is not really a big deal, and I get that.

 

But for you, all the work that you are doing to get yourself together really will not help you as a person if you don't start to understand some deeper stuff about yourself and the dysfunction in your life and your marriage.

 

You see all that touchy feely stuff, stuff about emotions and feelings will actually help you to find a woman that will be a good partner for you.

 

It is not your wife for sure because she is a mess. But if you learn what a healthy relationship looks like you will be able to actually find one.

 

And it also helps to find and healthy loving woman that wants to be with you and take care of your needs and build an actual healthy life together.

 

I am learning all this stuff and it makes me realize what a hot mess I have been. It also made me realize how much one of my best GF's really loves me and that my STBXW need to get the hell out of my house and my life.

 

Does any of that register with you?

 

Yes, I understand that we both have issues, I'm well on my way to discovering and solving mine. I know that she has work to do on herself, and she's totally blind to that. I also know that the recent issues were of my doing, and aside from her lack of motivation to work and be my partner financially, she was fine for the last five years.

[Bromeo]

Goon,

 

Again, online fist bumps to getting things together. Mine left me twice before, and each time caught her with another man during our "breaks". So I guess this time I kind of expected it. And weirdly, writing this out clarifies some things for me. Mine was 36 years old with a terrible job who just wants a man to take care of her. Looking at it like that makes me a bit sad for her. Oh, and she had been arrested and very possibly is bpd. A marriage made in heaven. Lol

 

Honestly, leech some anger from the other members here. Screw letting her know you are available and around, that prolongs your hurting. This time is about you, and your son, to heal, and move forward.

 

Tow that car to her and leave it there. That would send quite a message.

 

I understand the reeling. As dudes we can travel, party, succeed in careers, but the emotions can be overwhelming at times.

 

And really, if she wants to go breed, let her go. Of everything, this took me the longest to grasp. Like everyone else, my situation was different, no contact wasn't for me, etc. lol

 

I miss mine too, but she is currently breeding with some mope. I addressed her concerns, and she had some valid ones. But it was too far gone. A couple years from now, she may or may not regret as yours would.

 

But I won't.

 

Dave

[Goondaddy]

Goon,

 

Again, online fist bumps to getting things together. Mine left me twice before, and each time caught her with another man during our "breaks". So I guess this time I kind of expected it. And weirdly, writing this out clarifies some things for me. Mine was 36 years old with a terrible job who just wants a man to take care of her. Looking at it like that makes me a bit sad for her. Oh, and she had been arrested and very possibly is bpd. A marriage made in heaven. Lol

 

Honestly, leech some anger from the other members here. Screw letting her know you are available and around, that prolongs your hurting. This time is about you, and your son, to heal, and move forward.

 

Tow that car to her and leave it there. That would send quite a message.

 

I understand the reeling. As dudes we can travel, party, succeed in careers, but the emotions can be overwhelming at times.

 

And really, if she wants to go breed, let her go. Of everything, this took me the longest to grasp. Like everyone else, my situation was different, no contact wasn't for me, etc. lol

 

I miss mine too, but she is currently breeding with some mope. I addressed her concerns, and she had some valid ones. But it was too far gone. A couple years from now, she may or may not regret as yours would.

 

But I won't.

 

Dave

 

Thanks Dave, I can't ditch the car, it belonged to her father, whom I love dearly, he was just here a few days back thanking me for my work on his old car that he had to give up as he wasn't able to work on it anymore...

 

Like I said, mixed signals, some high, some low. I can't tell if this is some attempt at getting me to sort myself out while she takes time for herself, or if she's really screwing around. She hasn't indicated to any of her closest friends that I know, that she's involved at all. But she is also pretty good at disguising any other lifestyle that she has. Just for this purpose.

 

As for her regretting what she's done? She's already there, she just doesn't tell me. It's as plain as day that she regrets it, I can see it in her actions, the way she acts, how she tries to keep her distance from me. After seeing her car run for the first time in twelve years, she almost ran over to hug me, then she just stood there and jumped like a happy kid instead, she did this five times in the course of an hour.

 

She misses me, there's just something holding her back now, something keeping her away. Whether it's shame, guilt, who knows?

[Bromeo]

Goon,

 

I felt the same way. I solicited advice from everyone about my ex, and everyone said she would be back. 5 months later she isn't, so at this point I vacillate between angry, acceptance, and apathy.

 

You will absolutely drive yourself insane trying to decipher her motives. I know, I was acting in an unhealthy way, and doing things completely outside of my normal character.

 

Try and step outside the emotions a bit, which I very well know, is hard as hell. Take advice from those further down the path of recovery.

 

Would you be able to trust her, even if she did want to reconcile?

 

Do loving partners really treat people like this even if they are hurt and upset?

 

I explained my situation to multiple very professional women. The calm, empathetic responses shocked me, because I had been steeped in this bs for so long. My brain was looking for answers and succor where there is absolutely no reasonable explanation, other than she didn't want me. Lol

 

Just be patient with yourself, heavily scrutinize any contact with her, communicate clearly, and DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER until you are healed and more confident. I slept with mine post breakup, she disappeared, and it nearly consumed me. Some women just do not understand that men will express love physically.

 

And continue to post here.

 

Dave

[Marc878]

She's trying out the new guy. Nothing special here.

 

She'll be back if she needs her plan B

 

Is that what you want?

 

You need to start putting some thought into you.

[Goondaddy]

She's trying out the new guy. Nothing special here.

 

She'll be back if she needs her plan B

 

Is that what you want?

 

You need to start putting some thought into you.

 

 

Oh yeah, the self thought goes on... In fact, I have a lovely lady friend on her way over right now. She's a mess because of her ex as well, so I told her "Let's just be safe friends for now", as I said, she's on her way for a day of shenanigans...

 

As for my other work, I have plenty on my plate, the ex is playing jealousy games on facebook, and she's getting a dose of it back today and tomorrow, as the lady coming out now will be with me at the rifle range tomorrow most likely, and my friends have a marvelous habit of being shutterbugs.

 

So, I'll be having my fun in good company, and we will be healing together... Eating enchiladas and drinking cheap beer!

[AT15]

Goon,

You sound like a good man. I know you've been dysfunctional for a bit, but underneath that, you sound like the exact kinda guy that I would want. Hardworking, partnership type " I've got your back, you've got mine." Ugh, I yearn for that in this dog eat dog big city. Who ever gets your heart, they're gonna be super lucky.

 

Stay loyal to your needs and heal up.

[dreamingoftigers]

That's the plan man, like I said, I've lost 60 pounds, the house is always clean when she comes over, I don't stalk her, she works retail at a parts store and I go everywhere but there now.

 

I've had many discoveries about what I've done wrong, and other than her escape plan and her laziness, she wasn't that bad of a person, I actually love her, I've just been insensitive to her needs figuring that since I paid for everything, I didn't have to do much more. I've definitely taken responsibility for my mistakes.

 

Divorce Busters might be able to help.

 

Honestly, your conflicts with her sound very push and pull with you leading and her not having too much say.

 

Not many people will hang around for that.

 

Plus, if she's outright said no to reconciliation, any dating she might be doing wouldn't be cheating.

[Goondaddy]

Goon,

You sound like a good man. I know you've been dysfunctional for a bit, but underneath that, you sound like the exact kinda guy that I would want. Hardworking, partnership type " I've got your back, you've got mine." Ugh, I yearn for that in this dog eat dog big city. Who ever gets your heart, they're gonna be super lucky.

 

Stay loyal to your needs and heal up.

 

I'll start by saying thank you, that's really important to me to hear that from an objective outside of the norm... And kind of you to notice!

 

As for healing, it truly began yesterday with my "Safe friend", we spoke of our relationships, and we confirmed each other's belief the we are both a heck of a catch.. We agreed to be good friends (that went out the window last night in a hot moment), but we agreed to be platonic and simply supportive until we have both had time to heal our wounds...

 

We both have our hearts stuck on others, and those others have others from the sounds of it, (we know hers does, and there's speculation that mine does as well) so we are in a mutual "Plan-B" pattern now depending upon what happens.

 

It's weird, but we enjoyed ourselves, so there's that...

[Marc878]

Keep moving in the direction you're going.

 

Do some thinking. What do you want long term

 

You lose a cheater and gain a life

[Marc878]

Hard no contact if you're smart. Don't jump up like doormat and answer her calls.

 

Text or emails business only and keep that short.

 

Anything else = no response

 

It works great if you can apply it

[Goondaddy]

Hard no contact if you're smart. Don't jump up like doormat and answer her calls.

 

Text or emails business only and keep that short.

 

Anything else = no response

 

It works great if you can apply it

 

 

Work in process man.. It's nice having a friend in a similar situation to support me, and I support her as well... And yeah, there's something happening that my friend and I are fighting like heck, we figured we'd address that come March or so..

 

Until then, extremely limited contact with my ex. We still have a kid together, but other than that, it's pretty quiet on that front. LC, day 5.

[Marc878]

Rebound relationships are dangerous for you at this time but others say to get over an X you need to get under someone else so.,.....

[Goondaddy]

Rebound relationships are dangerous for you at this time but others say to get over an X you need to get under someone else so.,.....

 

 

We're taking it easy as we're both broken for the time being.. We are just someone to fill the voids in our lives right now... Nothing really sexual, as agreed. Just really good friends.