Anyone ever dated someone you weren't physically attracted to?

[Raina314]

So, I haven't lurked on here in a little while. I'm ecstatic to say that after a whole year, I'm finally done crying about my ex. Do I still miss him sometimes? Yeah. But I realized that I can do better than a guy who never talked to me and basically ignored me until it was convenient for him and never loved me.

 

Still, moving on was hard cuz I don't fall in love easily at all. I'm very picky and can count the number of guys I've so much as crushed on on one hand.

 

Recently though, I've been talking to a new guy a lot, the only problem is that Im not physically attracted to him. He's also a good friend of my ex and we're all in the same friend group, but I don't care so much about that. If it bothers my ex that's his problem since he let me go.

 

Anyways though, he's been messaging me almost every day and always answers when I message him, which is an unbelievably refreshing change from my ex, who probably only answered me about 40% of the time. He's really funny and nice and he thinks the same way I do. I feel like we understand each other, which is rare for me. He's also a really hard worker and he's very respectful. He's never hit on me or tried to put his hands on me, which is more than I can say for most of my guy friends.

 

I don't think he's ever had a gf, probably partially because of his looks, but he still has this nice air of confidence that I love. It's not overbearing or cocky, he's just self-assured and I can tell he knows who he is.

 

I do think he likes me because of how often he messages me and my friends say his face lights up when he sees me. I can't help but like him too. But I know he respects his friend and I don't know if he'd ever violate the bro code for me.

 

Also I don't know if the absence of physical attraction will become an issue for me. I feel that I can't be picky about looks since it's so rare for me to find anyone I like. I don't feel the hot passion for him that I did with my ex, but I do feel comfortable, at ease, and content when we're together and I know in the long run, that's what keeps people together, as passion often fades with time. I can easily see him fitting in with my family and he's definitely the kind of man I'd like to settle down with. But even though I know all that, I admittedly do still feel like something's missing with the lack of physical attraction. I can't see myself getting intimate with him, at least not yet.

 

Advice please? Should I just pass on this or should I go for it? Have any of you ever dated someone you weren't physically attracted to at first? How'd it work out? Could it be worth it?

[butterfly84]

Hey there. First of all - that is great that you are feeling ready to date again.

 

Here's my experiences with dating people i wasn't really physically attracted to... i focused on all the other things much like you are in your post but in the end i wound up realizing that it just wouldn't work if there wasn't some physical attraction there. for the first one i think we dated for about 2 months and the second one we dated for about 1 month. It was apparent pretty early in the relationship and then i broke it off. if anything it taught me that physical attraction was still a piece of the equation when finding someone, for me at least.

 

whatever you decide to do just remember there is another person involved and you don't want to hurt someone, so if you're feeling unsure on things do not jump in unless/until you know you want to give it a shot with that person.

 

hope that helps!

[JuneJulySeptember]

So, I haven't lurked on here in a little while. I'm ecstatic to say that after a whole year, I'm finally done crying about my ex. Do I still miss him sometimes? Yeah. But I realized that I can do better than a guy who never talked to me and basically ignored me until it was convenient for him and never loved me.

 

Still, moving on was hard cuz I don't fall in love easily at all. I'm very picky and can count the number of guys I've so much as crushed on on one hand.

 

Recently though, I've been talking to a new guy a lot, the only problem is that Im not physically attracted to him. He's also a good friend of my ex and we're all in the same friend group, but I don't care so much about that. If it bothers my ex that's his problem since he let me go.

 

Anyways though, he's been messaging me almost every day and always answers when I message him, which is an unbelievably refreshing change from my ex, who probably only answered me about 40% of the time. He's really funny and nice and he thinks the same way I do. I feel like we understand each other, which is rare for me. He's also a really hard worker and he's very respectful. He's never hit on me or tried to put his hands on me, which is more than I can say for most of my guy friends.

 

I don't think he's ever had a gf, probably partially because of his looks, but he still has this nice air of confidence that I love. It's not overbearing or cocky, he's just self-assured and I can tell he knows who he is.

 

I do think he likes me because of how often he messages me and my friends say his face lights up when he sees me. I can't help but like him too. But I know he respects his friend and I don't know if he'd ever violate the bro code for me.

 

Also I don't know if the absence of physical attraction will become an issue for me. I feel that I can't be picky about looks since it's so rare for me to find anyone I like. I don't feel the hot passion for him that I did with my ex, but I do feel comfortable, at ease, and content when we're together and I know in the long run, that's what keeps people together, as passion often fades with time. I can easily see him fitting in with my family and he's definitely the kind of man I'd like to settle down with. But even though I know all that, I admittedly do still feel like something's missing with the lack of physical attraction. I can't see myself getting intimate with him, at least not yet.

 

Advice please? Should I just pass on this or should I go for it? Have any of you ever dated someone you weren't physically attracted to at first? How'd it work out? Could it be worth it?

 

I wouldn't do it if I was you. You're not the right kind of person.

 

If you say that someone at any point is completely physically unattractive, then don't date that person.

 

I guess I'm lucky in this respect. I can find beauty in almost everything. There's women I work with who are in their late 50s and are sagging pretty badly that I find attractive.

 

I mean I hear it all the time when women say guys are completely unattractive. What does that mean? Does that mean the thought of you making out with him is the equivalent of me giving another guy a blowjob? The thought of it grosses you out? Then don't do it.

 

For me, the women I've dated have different levels of attractiveness. Sometimes they look really good, on other days less so. I happen to be dating a woman who is probably the best looking one I ever have currently. She rarely looks bad. But still, that's attraction on a SLIDING scale.

 

In any case, I think if you have the mentality to date somebody you're LESS attracted to, then you just do it. You don't even have to ask. If you have to ask, then you probably don't really want to do it.

Edited December 24, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember

[SilverLining]

I went out on a date with a guy I just wasn't attracted to. Then another date. Then I told him that I didn't think we would be a good match, but I would like to be friends with him. He agreed and so we became friends.

 

I fell for him. We had great conversations and I found lots of things to value about him. He ended up rejecting me!

 

I've also tried dating guys that I just wasn't attracted to and nothing came of it. My point is only that if you respect the kind of person that he is, make an effort to spend some time with him away from the group as a friend, and see where it goes. Tell him that you aren't sure about dating someone now but that you would like to hang out with him one on one. You could surprise yourself...or you may not. The beauty of it is that you don't have to know one way or the other right now. A few dates does not a contract make.

[Raina314]

Thanks guys. This is all really helpful and it's good to know I'm not the only one to have found myself in this predicament.

 

 

I mean I hear it all the time when women say guys are completely unattractive. What does that mean? Does that mean the thought of you making out with him is the equivalent of me giving another guy a blowjob? The thought of it grosses you out? Then don't do it.

 

It doesn't totally gross me out, no, but it doesn't turn me on either. That said, I've never been turned on before the second or third kiss. I warm up slowly, and even though I ended up being completely crazy about my ex, I remember being hesitant at first. I usually need to give myself a little push to get into intimacy with someone.

 

My point is only that if you respect the kind of person that he is, make an effort to spend some time with him away from the group as a friend, and see where it goes. Tell him that you aren't sure about dating someone now but that you would like to hang out with him one on one. You could surprise yourself...or you may not. The beauty of it is that you don't have to know one way or the other right now. A few dates does not a contract make.

 

Thanks. That sounds like the best course of action, yeah. I'll just wait and see if he wants to see me more and go with the flow. He's really chill so I'm sure he'd be down for taking it slow if he was interested. We'll see what happens:)

[LookAtThisPOst]

So, I haven't lurked on here in a little while. I'm ecstatic to say that after a whole year, I'm finally done crying about my ex. Do I still miss him sometimes? Yeah. But I realized that I can do better than a guy who never talked to me and basically ignored me until it was convenient for him and never loved me.

 

Still, moving on was hard cuz I don't fall in love easily at all. I'm very picky and can count the number of guys I've so much as crushed on on one hand.

 

Recently though, I've been talking to a new guy a lot, the only problem is that Im not physically attracted to him. He's also a good friend of my ex and we're all in the same friend group, but I don't care so much about that. If it bothers my ex that's his problem since he let me go.

 

Anyways though, he's been messaging me almost every day and always answers when I message him, which is an unbelievably refreshing change from my ex, who probably only answered me about 40% of the time. He's really funny and nice and he thinks the same way I do. I feel like we understand each other, which is rare for me. He's also a really hard worker and he's very respectful. He's never hit on me or tried to put his hands on me, which is more than I can say for most of my guy friends.

 

I don't think he's ever had a gf, probably partially because of his looks, but he still has this nice air of confidence that I love. It's not overbearing or cocky, he's just self-assured and I can tell he knows who he is.

 

I do think he likes me because of how often he messages me and my friends say his face lights up when he sees me. I can't help but like him too. But I know he respects his friend and I don't know if he'd ever violate the bro code for me.

 

Also I don't know if the absence of physical attraction will become an issue for me. I feel that I can't be picky about looks since it's so rare for me to find anyone I like. I don't feel the hot passion for him that I did with my ex, but I do feel comfortable, at ease, and content when we're together and I know in the long run, that's what keeps people together, as passion often fades with time. I can easily see him fitting in with my family and he's definitely the kind of man I'd like to settle down with. But even though I know all that, I admittedly do still feel like something's missing with the lack of physical attraction. I can't see myself getting intimate with him, at least not yet.

 

Advice please? Should I just pass on this or should I go for it? Have any of you ever dated someone you weren't physically attracted to at first? How'd it work out? Could it be worth it?

 

I've heard of this happening, not meaning to be gender biased in this response, but women ...that I've known, tend to mostly post about this...and I've known in real life to have married men they weren't physically attracted to. I guess they figured he was such a nice guy that his personality would outweigh the physical.

 

They did wind up divorcing them a few years down the road.

 

Men are pretty black and white on this as they are more visual anyway and the only time they'll sleep with an unattractive woman is during last call at a bar if you get what I mean.

[GemmaUK]

Don't go there.

 

I've dated a couple of men I wasn't physically attracted to and things only became worse once their clothes were off.

The other thing I noticed about both is that their personalities were not quite the same once dating them and it didn't take long for their true personalities to show.

They were both self proclaimed nice guys but were the nastiest and most judgemental and controlling of any men I have ever met.

All down to insecurities within themselves.

[JustGettingBy]

I was set up with someone I wasn't attracted to once. She had an okay personality, but there was no spark. Needless to say, there wasn't a second date.

[Fair]

I dated someone I wasn't physically attracted to for a whole year. I still don't know why I did it. But it wasn't a good experience. We were dubbed 'beauty and the beast' although he wasn't ugly enough to be a beast, exactly, but all this played on his insecurities and he ended up becoming resentful of me, not them.... until he was treating me like the enemy.

 

My advice is to date someone who is at least at your own personal level of attractiveness. Even if you care about this person, it can lead to trouble down the road unless he is VERY secure in himself, and most men aren't.

[preraph]

I have never seen a balanced relationship where one person wasn't physically attracted to the other. Now, if they both aren't, well, maybe, as long as expectations aren't too high. Him being friends with your ex is bad too. It makes HIM bad for being disloyal.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Only you can decide this one. Personally, I've learned there's no point in trying to have a bf I'm not attracted to because it just doesn't work for me.

[TooRational]

I guess I'll give a story different from what I read before. I dated a woman but I wasn't attracted to her face at all at first. She was probably a 4-5. BUT she was quite fit and had an attractive body. And she radiated sexual energy and was amazing in bed. After a while I actually started to find her beautiful in her own way.

 

Bottom line is that I would give him one chance in bed ?

[Mrlonelyone]

I am a transgender woman who does not care about gender norms. I like men but as long time readers here will recall I have really deeply liked and been attracted to a few women too. On a scale of 0-6 of liking men I'd be a 5, yet I have been attracted to women.

 

Impossible, right?

 

In almost all cases I was not attracted to them at all at first. The only exception(s) dressed and/or acted like a guy but ID's as straight woman.

 

What happened was as I got to know them I saw qualities that made me want to give them love.

 

Now in none of these cases was there anything that made me say ewwe about them. They have to be look at able. I was in situations where we got to know eachother over time and over time the attraction would grow.

 

My history with such relationships hasn't been successful as in marriage but not unsuccessful either. I have a son out of one relationship, and the other lead to them doing some scientific work on a disease one of my parents has.

 

I saw in them intelligent and admirable people.

 

On the other hand I love a hot body on a man. 95% of men eliminate themselves by saying some dumb crap as the first thing out of their mouths. That physical attraction hasn't lead to very many significant relationships as one might think.

 

Then factor in that over time if it works out as best as possible... at 95 we all look the same.

 

In short, purely physical attraction is not so important. In fact, it can mislead you into thinking someone who's hot and who you have great chemistry with is the one. (Read up on limerance this is when someone feels deeply in love for around 3 years then suddenly looses it. That's one effect of emphasizing physical attraction over all else. )