Did you contact your MM's wife? [UPDATE: More Drama]

[Ahurtgirl]

Going back in time and rolling things around in my mind as I try to heal.

I read on here that some OW contact the wife and the OM doesn't get angry with the OW for doing so.

However, when I contacted my xMM wife, only to check on his welfare but his wife immediately put two and two together which caused her to leave for a few hours then came back and HE then told her actual details about the affair, but yet he became extremely angry at me, told me it was 100% my fault and that I had ruined his life, hurt his family, and in his words "I had f***** up big time and destroyed his family." (His marriage is actually better now than it had been and they have happily reconciled).

I guess what continues to bother me is that my xMM blamed me for everything and with such anger (if this hadn't happened over the phone, I think he would have physically hurt me as he had that much anger against me even though I hadn't told her anything about him and I).

For those of you who have contacted the wife, did your MM get angry at you? What was the outcome?

[Chica80]

Hurt girl are you in IC?

 

I'm not trying to bash you, or hurt you I read some of your post and can tell you have alot of hurt and turmoil.......but are you DELUSIONAL?

 

his marraige is better than ever and reconciling

You stated in another post. His wife contacted you. Asking if you're contacting him. He had a previous A, and another AP while with you. 4.5 years is a very long time. To be lied to and feel used, deceived. I'm not sure how long you have been married. But your husband is gay and deceived you. (Deceived himself maybe).

 

You were lied to, you were used, you were deceived. All of these are true.

you ruined his marraigewhat a complete D**K!! He blamed you because he could. Because he wants to take no responsibility for his actions. You are still idealizing him. "His marraige is great and perfect." Girl wake the F up and be thankful you are NOT with this man anymore.

 

Get angry you have every right to be angry for all of it. Write it out. Cry it all out. And then look at your decisions, what could you do different how can you change you? And please get some help.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Indirectly as I told my husband and he forced xMM to tell his wife. xMM was very angry at me for months, told me I needed to keep my mouth shut, and basically made me pay on and off all year. As you must know from all my posts, he told a bunch of lies to his wife about me, blamed me for everything, just like with your situation, and I was consumed by anger and range for the entire year.

 

They always lie and put the blame on everyone else - the OW, the BS, the weather, their jobs, who the F knows. But everyone but themselves.

 

But it doesn't really matter, it is no one else's problem to fix what is missing inside another's mind or soul - and it certainly not the OW's problem. You knew he was broken when you got with him, you cannot be surprised that he did what he did. The only person here who can be surprised is his wife. She did not know or probably, she would not have married him.

 

I doubt their marriage is all better, obviously his wife wants to make the marriage work, same as in my situation with xmm. Again, this is not the place of the OW to judge. On the flip side, I am sure my H's exOW does not understand why he did not leave me to be with her.

 

Bottom line, an outside person can never know or judge what is going on inside someone else's marriage.

 

I am aware you are very stuck, and I get it. So I'm not going to tell you to move on from xmm or any of that useless stuff. I'm going to tell you to just not think about xmm for a while. Get divorced. Your husband is gay. Move on from your marriage. There is no reason in the world why you should not be pushing the papers through at lightening speed. Fix the areas in your life that are under your control and the rest will fall into place.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

Hi,

 

I could tell you not all other women are heartless people or dreamed they will ever find themselves in that position. Not all OW have the intention of breaking up the marriage by telling the wife.

I was the Other Woman and it drove me crazy. I watched him go back and forth in my life with his indecisions, Yet i nutured and cared from him while putting myself last. He said so many horrible things about the wife but i never for once believed all and sometimes questioned his own faults.

 

This ex married lover took me through a whirlwing of Ups and Downs. He started out with him wanting to get a divorce which i tried to dissuade him in the begining and asked he worked things out with his wife but was adamant, then he had me inform my parents about him to prove that i really wanted to be with him and i love him(till today my parents dont trust my decisions, people who brought me up), i turned my back against the world cos of him by trusting him which he always said, I went through episodes of attempted suicide on many occassions one where i found myself in the hospital, he even blamed me at some point for not givng his family attention..

He made think i was the crazy one and when he did things was unapologetic..

 

4 months ago, i was done and ready and asked him not to contact me again after a big fight. i had started listening to the bible and getting bk on track and seeing my life without him and cut off contact with him…

2 months later he comes apologizing and stating he is sorry and he will get his act right and told him we could be friends but im done dating a married man(i should v cut off all contact but i tried to be mature and nice and gave him audience) i begged(emphasis on the begging) him to go work things out with his wife.

 

At some point he stated that will i be ok with him dating someone else while we were friends and i told him i will rather he works things out with his wife but if that was wat he wanted to do i cant stop him but eventually one thing led to another and i found yself in the same cycle as we got back together again.

 

And then before the end of the 2016 in december came back telling me he was now born again and that he didnt want to go back to his sin pointing fingers at me and that we could be friends wt no sexual contact and i lost it. He claimed he wasnt breaking up with me but common! He even stated he was going to tell his wife about the affair and that he will tell her he will still like to keep his friendship with me… Please tell me what wife will accept that?!It was so clear he wanted to keep stringing me along. At this point i lost it…It occured to me that if i didnt break this toxic cycle, i will surely commit suicide at some point.

 

So i made a choice, so he could finally let me be…I told his wife about the affair and begged for her forgiveness…many people can say it wasnt in my right but look at all the havoc he had caused in my life in his wake and as a result of his indecision and selfishness(he had always said why cant he have the two)…. He stated he was born again but still wanted to keep me in his life and still string me along knowing fully well i was still in love with him..He still wanted to have lunch with him and for us to talk everyday…

I believed if i told his wife, he will hate me enough not to contact me again and hopefully he doesnt contact me again and also to possibly deter him of the thought of having another affair with someone else if he thought of all the trouble he might face! It was a toxic cycle that seems like it will never end.

So i made a choice he wasnt ready to deal with! His wife stated she had forgiven me and that i should get right with God and was realistic to admit that it was her husband who kept coming back even though i took responsibility for letting him stay. She collected my number although i insisted that we couldnt be friends cos i was ashamed.

 

I have since blocked his number and hers and hope he could man up enough to work his marriage out and stop looking outwards. IF i wanted to tear their marriage apart i could have given her every gory details including the tots he has of sometimes wanting to kill her or how he has kids with other women she didnt know but i will never do that.

Her forgiveness is enough for me…So my confession was not to tear them apart it was to at least for me, keep him away. I hope he has learnt his lessons and at least not contact me again

 

This just happened 13days ago and i hope the anger of me telling his wife stays and i never hear from him again. I need my sanity back

Edited January 13, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[aileD]

Sweetie.

 

I say this with compassion love:

 

You need to move on. You posted the same thing about 6 months or so ago. You're stuck. Nothing is going to change and no one has an answer that you will be satisfied with.

 

You have to come to terms that you were lied to. You did not mean as much to him as his "real" life did. It's nothing against you. It's HIM And his character

 

Please get into counseling so you can move on from this. Married men have affairs and when they get found out (no matter how or by who) they usually try to save their marriage.

 

The fact he got angry at you proves that he has lied about his feelings for you. You got duped. Take it as a lesson.

 

 

You need to get into counseling so you can move forward from here .

 

I wish you love and peace and I know you will find it because you're a wonderful loving person.

[aileD]

Heartbrokendec29:

 

gory details including the thoughts he has of sometimes wanting to kill her or how he has kids with other women she didnt know but i will never do that.

 

Um if you think he's serious about wanting to kill her then I really think you should tell her (or even the authorities) this. This is info a person should have.

 

This is her life. Please tell her and she can do whatever she wants with the info.

[BaileyB]

Heartbrokendec29:

 

 

 

Um if you think he's serious about wanting to kill her then I really think you should tell her (or even the authorities) this. This is info a person should have.

 

This is her life. Please tell her and she can do whatever she wants with the info.

 

Agreed. If he has threatened to kill his wife, you need to tell someone. Block him from your life, file a restraining order, do whatever you need to do to leave this man behind.

 

And then, you need to ask yourself how you ever got involved with such a terrible, terrible man...

[BaileyB]

Going back in time and rolling things around in my mind as I try to heal.

I read on here that some OW contact the wife and the OM doesn't get angry with the OW for doing so.

However, when I contacted my xMM wife, only to check on his welfare but his wife immediately put two and two together which caused her to leave for a few hours then came back and HE then told her actual details about the affair, but yet he became extremely angry at me, told me it was 100% my fault and that I had ruined his life, hurt his family, and in his words "I had f***** up big time and destroyed his family." (His marriage is actually better now than it had been and they have happily reconciled).

I guess what continues to bother me is that my xMM blamed me for everything and with such anger (if this hadn't happened over the phone, I think he would have physically hurt me as he had that much anger against me even though I hadn't told her anything about him and I).

For those of you who have contacted the wife, did your MM get angry at you? What was the outcome?

 

How are you not absolutely angry with him!

 

I mean, seriously... This man cheated on his wife and family and then he has the audacity to blame the other woman for the destruction his decision and his behavior has brought to his family life. The is the absolute definition of selfish and entitled. Ignorant, arrogant, stupid... I mean, I could go on, and on, and on...

 

Please, get some counselling and move on with your life. This man is not worthy of your time or affection. Best wishes.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

He said it to me twice as a passing thought he usually has as a result of the frustrations in his marriage and I always told him to pray against such thoughts(which he claims he prays about too) but i do not think he could pull through with it! Hopefully, now that he claims he is born again. I hope God works wonders in his mind.

 

Also, that coming from me as the other woman, it will sound as if i want to break his home. All i want is for him to just let me be so i can move on and find a healthier relationship.

[ice3784]

hi, im in a same situation with you. I need advise. should i talk to the wife ? part of me still holding hope to be back with him. part of me feels like he is just using me and i need to leave him. he didnt stand for me, when he was with them he treat me as if i doesn't exist. we were together for more than 3 years, the wife is separated. but all the kids was with her. he bring me to stay in his home with his siblings , and his mother. i was made known to everyone in the family. suddenly this is so cruel that he wants to reconcile with the wife for the sake of the kids. im so upset and he lied to the wife he has no relation with no one whatsoever. then what am i ?

[ladydesigner]

Going back in time and rolling things around in my mind as I try to heal.

I read on here that some OW contact the wife and the OM doesn't get angry with the OW for doing so.

However, when I contacted my xMM wife, only to check on his welfare but his wife immediately put two and two together which caused her to leave for a few hours then came back and HE then told her actual details about the affair, but yet he became extremely angry at me, told me it was 100% my fault and that I had ruined his life, hurt his family, and in his words "I had f***** up big time and destroyed his family." (His marriage is actually better now than it had been and they have happily reconciled).

I guess what continues to bother me is that my xMM blamed me for everything and with such anger (if this hadn't happened over the phone, I think he would have physically hurt me as he had that much anger against me even though I hadn't told her anything about him and I).

For those of you who have contacted the wife, did your MM get angry at you? What was the outcome?

 

Of course he did, it is what they do. My WH blamed everyone around him but himself for his A.

 

I'm sorry you are still hurting. Let it go it is hurting you now and you don't deserve it. Let go of the rope and save yourself hun. Focus on you and no one else.

[drypuddle]

Going back in time and rolling things around in my mind as I try to heal.

I read on here that some OW contact the wife and the OM doesn't get angry with the OW for doing so.

However, when I contacted my xMM wife, only to check on his welfare but his wife immediately put two and two together which caused her to leave for a few hours then came back and HE then told her actual details about the affair, but yet he became extremely angry at me, told me it was 100% my fault and that I had ruined his life, hurt his family, and in his words "I had f***** up big time and destroyed his family." (His marriage is actually better now than it had been and they have happily reconciled).

I guess what continues to bother me is that my xMM blamed me for everything and with such anger (if this hadn't happened over the phone, I think he would have physically hurt me as he had that much anger against me even though I hadn't told her anything about him and I).

For those of you who have contacted the wife, did your MM get angry at you? What was the outcome?

 

I told his wife. You can read about it on my thread if you so desire. He confronted me face to face about it a couple of days later and his anger was very apparent. The night of telling his wife, he was accusing me of treating his life like it was a game when I felt like he had been doing that to me for awhile.

 

I didn't expect anything less than that seething anger. I don't know how different it would have been in person. He has admitted to being in physical altercations before and I would hope that he could restrain himself from hitting a woman, but the rage I saw on his face when he was confronting me made me glad we were at work, where he wouldn't be able to do anything. He also blamed me for ruining his marriage. I took responsibility in being complicit in his wrongdoings and for the wife knowing, but made him acknowledge that he was in fact responsible for his marriage, not me.

 

The outcome: they are apparently reconciling their marriage and I have not interfered with that, nor do I want to. We both have maintained NC (except for a passing greeting in the hallway the other day at work) and I don't foresee that changing for either of us. I am working on figuring myself out - why was I accepting of a married man, even if he future faked with me? It's a lot of work finding yourself again but that's been my outcome... working on living a happy fulfilled life!

Edited January 17, 2017 by drypuddle

[Ahurtgirl]

I know, I know, I shouldn't have checked my exMM wife's social site but I did. As always, (she did this before, while, and since our affair) she bitches and complains about her husband all over her social media. If she doesn't like him, why does she stay? Why does he accept staying with her? I was so humble and kind to him and I still love him even after all hell broke loose. I know I basically hated him for a few months after it all ended but now that the affair fog is gone and the worst of the breakup is a past memory, I am at the point of knowing without a doubt, I love him with all my heart. I haven't had any communication with him in almost 6 months and I still love him deeply in my heart. Yet she continues to bash him as she always has (based on dates that she on her media from way before I ever met him and to this day). Why do men love women who are bitches and toss those of us with loving hearts that would do everything we could for them and shower them with love and praise aside?

[BuddyX]

I know, I know, I shouldn't have checked my exMM wife's social site but I did. As always, (she did this before, while, and since our affair) she bitches and complains about her husband all over her social media. If she doesn't like him, why does she stay? Why does he accept staying with her? I was so humble and kind to him and I still love him even after all hell broke loose. I know I basically hated him for a few months after it all ended but now that the affair fog is gone and the worst of the breakup is a past memory, I am at the point of knowing without a doubt, I love him with all my heart. I haven't had any communication with him in almost 6 months and I still love him deeply in my heart. Yet she continues to bash him as she always has (based on dates that she on her media from way before I ever met him and to this day). Why do men love women who are bitches and toss those of us with loving hearts that would do everything we could for them and shower them with love and praise aside?

 

Because A. She's really good in bed (and I don't care what he told you).

Or B. He's a weak little boy who's too afraid to stand up for himself.

[AnneP]

I know, I know, I shouldn't have checked my exMM wife's social site but I did. As always, (she did this before, while, and since our affair) she bitches and complains about her husband all over her social media. If she doesn't like him, why does she stay? Why does he accept staying with her? I was so humble and kind to him and I still love him even after all hell broke loose. I know I basically hated him for a few months after it all ended but now that the affair fog is gone and the worst of the breakup is a past memory, I am at the point of knowing without a doubt, I love him with all my heart. I haven't had any communication with him in almost 6 months and I still love him deeply in my heart. Yet she continues to bash him as she always has (based on dates that she on her media from way before I ever met him and to this day). Why do men love women who are bitches and toss those of us with loving hearts that would do everything we could for them and shower them with love and praise aside?

 

Maybe she bashes him because he cheats on her? She should leave his sorry ass, but that's her decision. You sitting around wondering why she won't leave or why he tolerates her behavior serves no purpose.

 

I have a family member in an unhappy marriage and she's the OW with a MM and she sits around and asks these same type questions. "Why does he wife put up with how he treats her?" "Why won't she leave?" "Will he ever leave her?"

 

I've asked her why she would want a man who is capable of cheating on his wife. He has been in this relationship with my family member on and off for almost TWENTY YEARS. He has ALWAYS had a girlfriend on the side. When it wasn't my family memeber, it was someone else. And she knows all of this and still thinks he's going to leave his wife for her. I told her even IF he ever chose to leave his wife for her that she would take over the role of his wife and he would continue to have an OW. Why would she want that? Why would you want that? Why does anyone want that?

Edited January 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[somanymistakes]

You can complain about someone and still love them.

 

You can definitely complain about many personal details of someone and still appreciate them for things you don't mention, even if those things are as simple as a somewhat-stable household. A lot of people are afraid to be alone, or don't want the financial hit of a divorce, or can't afford to pay their own rents. As long as he's not willing to walk out himself, she still gets something from staying with him.

Edited January 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Joie]

One couple's complaining is another couple's flirting.

 

I don't want to encourage you to go check the W's social media account because I think it is causing you more pain but what exactly is she complaining about.

 

 

I know my H and I fake bicker on social media. If you didn't know us it would appear that we are fighting. Just the other day on facebook I jumped into a convo with his friends telling him to stop flirting and go shovel the damn snow. Anyone that is familiar with our relationship knows we are just kidding. If you look at it from the outside I sound like a nagging wife.

 

Also, six months isn't that long to heal from and affair. While I personally don't but my real negative thoughts on facebook for the world to see other people do and it may not mean anything.

Edited January 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Joie]

Sorry for the dual post:

 

Also sometimes a reconciling couple can't win at social media. If they post something happy they are being fake. If they post something negative the marriage is fall apart.

[BuddyX]

Sorry for the dual post:

 

Also sometimes a reconciling couple can't win at social media. If they post something happy they are being fake. If they post something negative the marriage is fall apart.

 

Part of it is also context. I.e. "He left the toilet seat up again" might sound negative but can be kinda cute in their marriage.

 

But first things first, get off their social media.

[waterwoman]

surely the question should be 'why does he stay'? assuming she really treats him so badly.

 

but the biggest question is why you are still invested in a relationship that is nothing to do with you.

[Midwestmissy]

Maybe you should be grateful you're not the one complaining about him. And you got perfect fantasy guy, she's got the real deal. Not classy to vent about personal things on fb either. He cheats, she may have a lot to complain about. As to why she stays, why does he? They've chosen each other as spouses and neither is budging.

 

They both sound screwed up and crass. Please remember you got a pretend guy who wanted an affair partner, not a wife. Keeping an affair partner happy requires a lot less day to day blech than a spouse. So she's probably tired of handling double duty in the marriage. Still not very mature or polished though. Stay away!!

Edited January 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[whatatangledweb]

How is she bashing him? Like saying he doesn't help out?

[Ahurtgirl]

She complains about how stupid she thinks he is and how intelligent she thinks she is, that she is right and he is wrong, if he'd listen to her the first time, she wouldn't have to nag, that he's a baby when he's sick and she doesn't need another kid to take care of, that he can get the f*** away from her, and many more derogatory comments. Honest to God, I spent a lot of time with him and he wasn't perfect, so I get why she does say what she says but all those traits about him didn't bother me. I enjoy doing all the work and taking care of people when they are sick and even though I may have been more educated and have a better career than his wife, I would not be the type to pick him apart like she does. She also bitches about her kids and I would have adored her kids as a step mom. I have always wanted more than one child. Our families would have combined well. Like I said, I just don't get why he loves her. Just baffles me.

[elaine567]

She is the one he cheated on, I guess she holds a lot of resentment towards him and no doubt towards you too over that.

She will be all over the place emotionally artm. No-one deals with betrayal well.

 

YOU have to let it go here.

He, for whatever reason, chose her. He didn't want your brand of "love" full time, so no point in trying to compare yourself to her over and over again. It is a complete waste of your time.

 

His wife may indeed be a nasty piece of work, or she may just be a lovely woman who has always loved him and has been severely damaged and hurt by his cheating. Who knows?

BUT it is time for you to knock this on the head and get on with your own life and leave them to it.

[whatatangledweb]

Sounds more like she is just venting. Usually that is best done with a friend and not facebook. When someone behaves that way there is usually a good reason for it. You don't know everything he has done. They stay together for their own reasons, sometimes love, kids, money. It really will just drive you crazy trying to figure it out.