Did you contact your MM's wife? [UPDATE: More Drama]

[Starswillshine]

Where exactly is she posting these things? Publicly on her facebook?

 

I don't know one woman who doesn't vent about her husband to her friends.

 

Why are you so caught up in her? I know this must be hard for you, but he choose to work on his marriage. For how horrible you may think she is, he sees some qualities in her that is worth staying. You don't get to get a small peak in a window and judge who you THINK she is... especially after you played a role in destroying her. None of this is healthy for you. And your constant refusal to accept that he is with her is delaying your healing.

 

Look, I'll just be harsh to get a point accross. You believe all these horrible things about his wife and how horrible she treats him, she's crazy, etc, etc, yet, he choose her. That should tell you what he feels for you. He isn't good for you.

 

I will hold my tongue on your comment about you would love being a stepmom to her children.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

She complains about how stupid she thinks he is and how intelligent she thinks she is, that she is right and he is wrong, if he'd listen to her the first time, she wouldn't have to nag, that he's a baby when he's sick and she doesn't need another kid to take care of, that he can get the f*** away from her, and many more derogatory comments. Honest to God, I spent a lot of time with him and he wasn't perfect, so I get why she does say what she says but all those traits about him didn't bother me. I enjoy doing all the work and taking care of people when they are sick and even though I may have been more educated and have a better career than his wife, I would not be the type to pick him apart like she does. She also bitches about her kids and I would have adored her kids as a step mom. I have always wanted more than one child. Our families would have combined well. Like I said, I just don't get why he loves her. Just baffles me.

 

Are you looking for someone to tell you that you're the better woman? Why are you comparing yourself to her? From her perspective, you're the woman who would sleep with another woman's husband and have the audacity to call the wife to check on him. Everyone's perception comes with its own bias. Honestly, your perspective comes off making you look like a doormat- that youd shower him with love and affection despite the fact he's a crappy partner. At least she's realistic and honest about the kind of man he is.

 

Can I suggest you worry about your own backyard before concerning yourself with the type of woman SHE is.

[Ahurtgirl]

No idea why I keep coming here for support. The replies are ridiculous and less than helpful.

[Starswillshine]

No idea why I keep coming here for support. The replies are ridiculous and less than helpful.

 

They are helpful. Because we can all see that you are stuck. You haven't talked to him in almost 6 months and you are still coming here complaining about how awful his wife is. You are focusing on the wrong thing, and you aren't moving forward. This man isn't your future. He isn't the one. It will take a long time to get over him, but you have to start finding ways to move on. This isnt healthy for you.

[RecentChange]

What do you want to hear?

 

That your affair partner should leave his wife, take his kids, and allow you to raise them?

 

Why do men love women who are bitches and toss those of us with loving hearts that would do everything we could for them and shower them with love and praise aside?

 

Perhaps what you think is a B word, it's actually a strong woman that is demanding respect?

 

A relationship should be an equal partnership. Do everything, shower with praise? Honestly, I don't like like it when a romantic partner is over the top - like their dedication is stronger than a loyal dog - the kind you can kick and would come back wagging it's tail for more.

 

Give me love and praise, and call me on bullsh't. That's what I respect.

 

I have a feeling your ex OM doesn't respect you.

 

Find some respect for yourself. Give love and praise only to those who have earned it. Quit focusing on this unhealthy dynamic. That's my advice.

 

Oh, and counseling, you seem stuck, you need some tools to move on with your life.

 

(Is this the same couple there was a thread about everything thing being"fixed" that their relationship was perfect soon after D Day?)

[aileD]

No idea why I keep coming here for support. The replies are ridiculous and less than helpful.

 

You keep coming here because you want comraderie....you want people to commiserate with. But people here have been thru it all and they see thru all that. They can see where you are coming from.

 

You don't like the truth --which everyone has said: "who cares what she posts ITS NOT YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Why are you so invested in something you have nothing to do with anymore? If he wanted everything you had to offer he would have chosen YOU". Etc

 

It sucks and you will move on. You're stuck and stalking the social media and wondering answers to questions that don't matter anymore is not helping you .

 

One day after you get through all this, you'll be a mentor and a "tell it like it is point out the obvious" to new posters here.

 

You just have to get past it and we are trying to help you. Humble yourself and take what people say and analyze it....about how it pertains to YOU and your struggles and your faults and your issues. When your stuck inside something sometimes you can't see the forest through the trees .

[whichwayisup]

I know, I know, I shouldn't have checked my exMM wife's social site but I did. As always, (she did this before, while, and since our affair) she bitches and complains about her husband all over her social media. If she doesn't like him, why does she stay? Why does he accept staying with her? I was so humble and kind to him and I still love him even after all hell broke loose. I know I basically hated him for a few months after it all ended but now that the affair fog is gone and the worst of the breakup is a past memory, I am at the point of knowing without a doubt, I love him with all my heart. I haven't had any communication with him in almost 6 months and I still love him deeply in my heart. Yet she continues to bash him as she always has (based on dates that she on her media from way before I ever met him and to this day). Why do men love women who are bitches and toss those of us with loving hearts that would do everything we could for them and shower them with love and praise aside?

 

There could be 100 reasons as to why they've chosen to stay together, you'll never know. My guess is, they are both addicted to the unhealthy dynamic between them and it's comfortable/safe. They both are broken.

 

Please try to focus on grieving and letting go. Hanging onto him is only doing damage to you. He chose his wife and marriage, he had plenty of chances to leave and divorce and he hasn't.

 

No more snooping on his or her facebook pages. As for her airing and venting stuff on her page, well, words jump off a certain way and who knows if she's joking around. I"m sure some comments are funny and others prob share their stuff about spouses too. It's stupid to put it out on facebook though.

Edited January 27, 2017 by whichwayisup

[BTDT2012]

She complains about how stupid she thinks he is and how intelligent she thinks she is, that she is right and he is wrong, if he'd listen to her the first time, she wouldn't have to nag, that he's a baby when he's sick and she doesn't need another kid to take care of, that he can get the f*** away from her, and many more derogatory comments. Honest to God, I spent a lot of time with him and he wasn't perfect, so I get why she does say what she says but all those traits about him didn't bother me. I enjoy doing all the work and taking care of people when they are sick and even though I may have been more educated and have a better career than his wife, I would not be the type to pick him apart like she does. She also bitches about her kids and I would have adored her kids as a step mom. I have always wanted more than one child. Our families would have combined well. Like I said, I just don't get why he loves her. Just baffles me.

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Why would you expect her to be full of praise for the man who cheated on her. He married her, he played around with you. I will admit I don't understand the airing of dirty laundry on FB. Stop comparing yourself to her, and stop reading her FB. It does nothing to accelerate your healing.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

I know, I know, I shouldn't have checked my exMM wife's social site but I did. As always, (she did this before, while, and since our affair) she bitches and complains about her husband all over her social media. If she doesn't like him, why does she stay? Why does he accept staying with her? I was so humble and kind to him and I still love him even after all hell broke loose. I know I basically hated him for a few months after it all ended but now that the affair fog is gone and the worst of the breakup is a past memory, I am at the point of knowing without a doubt, I love him with all my heart. I haven't had any communication with him in almost 6 months and I still love him deeply in my heart. Yet she continues to bash him as she always has (based on dates that she on her media from way before I ever met him and to this day). Why do men love women who are bitches and toss those of us with loving hearts that would do everything we could for them and shower them with love and praise aside?

See don't bother reading anything she says on there. Its just going to keep leading you on with Hope to be with him. Plus they may have toxic love going on, the kind were they hate each other but cant do without each other.... if shes like that, they probably are suitable for each other.... Try to focus on you and not Him..... You will survive...

[rainbowsandkittens]

You are seeing one side of her. People use social media in many different ways. Some people use it to vent and often in comedic ways. Some use it to paint a super pretty and often false picture of their life. You have absolutely no way of knowing what her intention is behind her posts. Nor is it your business.

 

He chose her. I know that hurts and seems unfair but, really, it's not. She is the one he is and has always been committed to. She is the mother of his children (and honestly I think it's more than a little inappropriate to judge how she is with her children and suggest that you would be a better mother/ stepmother to them and would care for them more. You don't know them AT ALL. And I'm 100% sure you would not want someone making assumptions or judgements about how you are as a mother.) I would say who knows what the future holds for them but I think that only gives you false hope. He is not the man you think or even wish he is. I agree with the others that it's time for you to find a way to move on. Block her and him on all social media (if you haven't already) so that there won't even be temptation to check. Every time you look it only brings you more pain. Time to start working on healing, don't you think?

[ShatteredLady]

He has a wife, a doting, blindly loving mistress AND still cheated on BOTH of you! Why can't you see this man for who he is?

 

You have had 2 lovers in your life. I can't imagine the pain of discovering that my husband is gay. That is such a complex betrayal. You fell into the arms of the MM because of your pain. You idealize a man who betrayed you as a mistress but take it as a compliment because he would tell you about his sexual adventures but lied to his wife!

 

People are harsh with you to HELP you. You firmly believe that you found true love. I hope that your 3rd relationship will be with a loyal, empathic, loving man who will finally show you what the love of equals is.

 

Until you see the truth of this man you will never be free.

 

You've been through so much pain in your life. I'm truly sorry. Please, PLEASE seek some help. Some of the ideas you post are very concerning. If you keep these notions locked in your brain you will continue to make bad choices.

 

Serial cheats are serial cheats. It's NOT because they haven't met the right woman yet.

 

A man CAN tell his mistress that he loves her & be telling a lie. MM are NOT only honest to their mistress.

 

A MM can & will lie about his wife. MM do NOT only stay for the kids & live a life of misery.

 

Stop seeing true love & honesty in this kind of man. See him for what he is/was & you will see the light at the end of this dark tunnel.

[cocorico]

 

I am at the point of knowing without a doubt, I love him with all my heart.

 

 

AHG you might want to do a search on posts by member j'adore. Like you, she was also stuck unable to stop loving her xMM despite him making it clear to her he wasn't interested. You might find her threads and posts helpful as a glimpse into your own prospects if you're not able to move on.

[winterkeep]

Hi AHG,

 

I'm not normally a fan of 'tough love' on these forums but I think maybe in your case it's warranted as your ability to move on is being hampered by an very unrealistic perception of your MM.

 

From your posts the narrative you're telling yourself is that you are a kind, sweet, loving and gentle woman (which I'm not doubting) who is being kept apart from her poor victimised love by a woman who hates him and wants to make his life hell as well as whatever circumstance he's fed you (kids, finances - the usual). It's a romantic story and is relatable as it allows you and he to be victims/heroes and casts her as the villain who at least on some level deserves what she gets.

 

Heres the truth though.

 

BW - has more than likely sacrificed a lot for her husband and family as most women do. She loved and trusted him enough to marry him and has had that completely destroyed and thrown back in her face. Her self worth and esteem will be in tatters and every aspect of her life is now in turmoil. So she's angry and hurt and lashes out at the person causing her all this pain being her husband, she's grieving the loss of her marriage, her life and herself as she knew it. I don't think that social media is a great forum to express this but it's her grief so she can do what she wants.

 

You- had an affair. You can love this man and give him all the patience in the world but the truth is your aspect of life with him was very limited and without the usual stressors of a relationship, the worst of which isn't the often quoted bills, kids, laundry etc but more so the mundane routine, over familiarity and competing priorities that come with a long term marriage.

 

He hurt you but you still love and want him so you compare this with his wife's anger, he hurt you but you're still loving and kind, he hurt her and she lashes out and you're using it as some kind of proof that he should be with you. The truth is you both did the wrong thing, no matter how it's cast she's the one with the least blame and if this were a story she would be in the role of victim. I think you need to stay off her social media both for your sake and to give her the respect of being allowed to grieve in whatever manner she finds works for her.

 

OM- Has had multiple affairs, he blamed YOU for his actions having consequences. He is weak and manipulative and not worth either of your tears. He's also chosen to stay with her, despite her anger and your acceptance.Lots of men leave and rebuilding a marriage is hard, much harder than starting over with someone who is willing to take his poor behaviour yet he chose to stay.

 

Our emotions are shaped by our perceptions, your perception that you are the loving hard done by one, he's noble and trapped and she's cruel and bitter are keeping you stuck.

 

His perception that your are a trouble making bunny boiler who rang his wife to destroy his family is keeping him away from you.

 

His wife's perception that her husband is a lying, cheating jerk (the only truth here!) is causing her to lash out and they likely have a combined perception that you're at fault which helps keep them together.

 

You need to change YOUR perception, its the only thing you can control.

[Ahurtgirl]

Winterkeep - Thank you for the words of wisdom. Finally words of guidance that I can take to heart. It makes me very sad to think because I made contact with his wife, that he would view it as me trying to destroy his family because that was never my intent. Thank you for that perspective. If that is really how he now views me, there is absolutely no point in me holding on to my feelings for him. I'm done.

[Joie]

Winterkeep - Thank you for the words of wisdom. Finally words of guidance that I can take to heart. It makes me very sad to think because I made contact with his wife, that he would view it as me trying to destroy his family because that was never my intent. Thank you for that perspective. If that is really how he now views me, there is absolutely no point in me holding on to my feelings for him. I'm done.

 

I am just being curious so feel free to ignore my questions but how else do you see him viewing you calling his wife?

 

I know you stated before that you were worried about him but honestly how did that conversation go?

 

'Hi, this is AHG. Your H just left my company. We had been drinking and I am worried about him because he hasn't called or texted me and he always stays in contact with me.'

 

Maybe I have the conversation all wrong and you had a way to speak to his wife without outing him but I can't see it.

 

I am only pointing this out because I think the first step to you healing is realizing that you intentionally put him in a position to have to pick you or his wife. Sadly, for you he picked his wife. I think the only way for you to move on is to look at this like a normal break up. Men break up with women all the time. It sucks but no amount of thinking "what if" is going to change that.

 

Sorry so long and rambling.

Edited January 27, 2017 by Joie

[sandylee1]

Those aren't the kind of comments that I usually see on Facebook and I think it makes the person posting them seem rather crazy, to say things like; they are more intelligent than their spouse. That in itself makes them seem somewhat unintelligent.

 

As to why someone would stay with a person who is awful to them, in this case I reckon it's because he knows he's been a useless husband, having affairs all the time and realises her Facebook vents are nothing compared to a 4 year affair.

 

The love between you wasn't balanced, because you were overly invested.

 

Remember....

 

• She isn't holding him hostage.
  
• He's not a helpless victim.
  
• He can leave if he wants to
  
• He is where he wants to be
  

 

Your venom towards his wife as a BS is really unhealthy and it comes across in all your posts in your own and other threads.

[bewell]

Multiple times with photos and other evidence. The first couple of times she was upset with him and the last couple of attempts I made was after he went back to her and she didn't care what I sent - call logs, texts messages...she was just happy to have her cheating man back.

[wmacbride]

op,

about judging his wife.

Think of it this way. What if someone were to take a look at your words on here? What sort of view would they have of you? Is that accurate, or are they just seeing a tiny snapshot of who you really are, taken out of context?

 

That is what you are doing to his wife. You have zero idea of what she is like, or their relationship.

 

If you need a further example,how do you think his wife views you? Is she accurate? Probably not, as she would be basing her opinion on a very small pieces of you.

[wmacbride]

Winterkeep - Thank you for the words of wisdom. Finally words of guidance that I can take to heart. It makes me very sad to think because I made contact with his wife, that he would view it as me trying to destroy his family because that was never my intent. Thank you for that perspective. If that is really how he now views me, there is absolutely no point in me holding on to my feelings for him. I'm done.

 

you are smart for walking away.

 

If a relationship hurts you more and causes you more pain than it does happiness, why stay? There is a huge world out there that is full of new people and experiences. Go out and have fun, even if you have to force yourself.

Do you have any close friends who are looking for a excuse to get away for a week or so? If you do, why not arrange for you and them to take a trip together. Go somewhere new and fun, and just let yourself go. Find the fun and happy version of you. Eat, drink, go on tours, swim, relax and have the time of your life. Leave your phone and laptop at home ( if you can) so taht you won't be tempted to check them all the time.

 

When it's time to come home, ask a friend to stay with you for a few days, so you don't come home to an empty house.

 

This may sound trite, but sometimes, we get so used to negative behavior patterns they can actually be comforting. You brain almost rewires itself so the pain become situation normal. While a week away won't fix that, it's can b the first step towards feeling better. I have a friend who went through a bad divorce and she was absolutely stuck. She tried everything, but after a few years, she began to give up. She tried one last time to dig herself out by participating in a travel program where she volunteered, in exchange for room and board, to help st up a sanctuary for parrots in central America. She was gone for a month, but came back a new person.

 

It was as if she was a record with the needle stuck int he grove. Once she got past that, she was able to surge forward.

[Ahurtgirl]

It's been seven months since the end of my 4.5 year affair and the drama still continues. As of Dec 31, I had made the decision to never contact my exMM again. I sent him a final email stating that I missed him and left it at that. I was finally feeling free and done with all of it.

Forward to the beginning of February when he calls me non stop for three days (over 50 calls) and I refuse to answer. I had no desire to ever talk to him again. He ends up reaching out to my extended family to try to contact me.

I have never been more angry at someone in my life. I actually had to hire a lawyer because of the situation and filed a report with the police.

Has anyone else ever dealt with drama after the affair was over?

[BuddyX]

You told him you missed him. What did you expect?

 

You should've told him to eff off and block his #. Problem solved. What he's doing is borderline harassment. Contact his wife.

Edited March 20, 2017 by BuddyX
Grammar

[Starswillshine]

Why wasn't he blocked?

[FoundMyStrength]

You told him you missed him. What did you expect?

 

You should've told him to eff off and block his #. Problem solved. What he's doing is borderline harassment. Contact his wife.

 

I second contacting the wife. I'm assuming he's just playing the usual MM games and contacting you with no intention of leaving his wife. So let her know, so that SHE can rein him in.

 

Let her know you filed a police report too. I'm sure she'll appreciate her husband acting like such an *ss that he's in trouble with the law.

[Ahurtgirl]

I did contact his wife to let her know but she hung up on me before I could explain why I was calling. When this entire dday happened, she blamed me, and was thankful her husband chose her. She treated the whole affair like it was my fault. I believe he has done a very good job of manipulating his wife to make her believe he is the poor guy who was manipulated when it was really both of us manipulating each other. There is now a legal no contact agreement in place so that isn't an issue anymore. I was just curious if anyone else had messy endings to their affair months after it had ended. Is it typical for this craziness to last even once both APs have moved on with their lives?

[ice3784]

Going back in time and rolling things around in my mind as I try to heal.

I read on here that some OW contact the wife and the OM doesn't get angry with the OW for doing so.

However, when I contacted my xMM wife, only to check on his welfare but his wife immediately put two and two together which caused her to leave for a few hours then came back and HE then told her actual details about the affair, but yet he became extremely angry at me, told me it was 100% my fault and that I had ruined his life, hurt his family, and in his words "I had f***** up big time and destroyed his family." (His marriage is actually better now than it had been and they have happily reconciled).

I guess what continues to bother me is that my xMM blamed me for everything and with such anger (if this hadn't happened over the phone, I think he would have physically hurt me as he had that much anger against me even though I hadn't told her anything about him and I).

For those of you who have contacted the wife, did your MM get angry at you? What was the outcome?

I contacted her recently, if you read my post. He was angry. He blamed me, as he was in the process of reconciling with her, and i ruin it. It went bad to the extend we both have the intention to leave, but until today we are still together. It took him about 2 weeks to cool off. Recently it was better. we start to talk , as we lived together. Intimacy not there yet, we are still hating each other i guess. Maybe it does need time...im taking 1 week off from him, either that week he will have better chance to reconcile with her, or he will miss me and love me more when im back, or he will get wild when im not around, i dont know. But i think a break is going to help...