Wife cheated, I'm divorcing.

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

So D-Day was almost 2 weeks ago. We were together for 4+ years, married less than 6 months. She slept with an ex-boyfriend during a recent trip back to her home town. I've had bad history with this woman before, she broke up with me and dated another guy within 2 months or us starting dating. Month with the other guy then came crawling back to me, and (in hindsight) like a fool I took her back.

 

Ok I'll keep this short. So she cheats, doesn't tell me but tells me she's leaving me and moving back to Texas with our son. I tell her no she's not, in my state I can block her from taking my son. She flips out, starts punching me and while we are waiting for the cops to arrive (yea I called 911) she tells me that "oh btw, when I was visiting Texas I slept with xxx and it was amazing". Cops come, arrest her, I tried to not have her arrested but in my state the state presses charges if there are signs of domestic abuse... I had bruises everywhere (I never laid a hand on her). I have a restraining order on her that was just extended to 90 days, she's been living at a friends house. I give her liberal visitation of our son. I lawyered up, filing for divorce.

 

So the other day we have a convo and I give her the chance to keep our family together if she's willing to do A LOT of work and I tell her that after she does all that work that it still may not work out and I may never trust her... she agrees, we sleep together, same thing the next day, then she says... "I woke up this morning and I asked myself is this what I want and the answer was NO". She then tells me that she wants to be single, go back to school, all that BS. I thought we had a great relationship, 4+ years in and we still had sex all the time, we got along well, date nights all the time, we were always laughing and having a good time so for me... this whole thing was out of the blue. Obviously wasn't that great for her.

 

The good news... yesterday I decide that I AM LETTING GO OF ALL HOPE! I tell myself that this is broken beyond repair, I don't want her back anymore and I am going to dive into the hell of transitioning from "relationship me" to "single dad me". Keep in mind the restraining order.. I tell her that I'm changing the rules and that she can only contact me for picking up and dropping off my son. I start googling "how to emotionally detach from someone FAST" and even though there is no consensus way of doing it, I keep seeing actively grieving (which I'm familiar with). So a lot of active grieving last 2 days, no more convos about her ****ing day. Today I told her to get whatever she needs from the house because I am moving EVERYTHING she owns into trash bags and into the basement (my lawyer advised me against selling anything).

 

Today was a great step forward. I had to remind her again to stop contacting me unless it has to do with our son, I followed through and put all of her stuff in the basement (I cried on and off while doing it), been working out like a mad man, I have a plastic surgery that I've wanted to get done for a long time scheduled for February. I'm in the hate phase and it's really kicking in that she cheated on me, I'm choosing to give up hope on a reconciliation, I'm choosing to look forward and move on with my life with my amazing son... but then again it's less than 2 weeks in and I'm still an emotional wreck but I'm trying

[Mr. Lucky]

Too bad this guy:

 

Month with the other guy then came crawling back to me, and (in hindsight) like a fool I took her back.

 

...wasn't around to advise this guy:

 

she agrees, we sleep together, same thing the next day, then she says... "I woke up this morning and I asked myself is this what I want and the answer was NO".

 

Sounds like you're finally resolute in your desire to move on. She was obviously trying to work out the details in keeping you as her fall back plan, glad you'll have no part in that. Focus on being a great parent, living well is always the best revenge...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Marc878]

I hope you stick to your guns. Or you'll just get more of the same

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

I hope you stick to your guns. Or you'll just get more of the same

 

You are right. I should've never even spoke to her about reconciliation and even worse sleeping with her... all that did was fed her narcissistic ego.

[whichwayisup]

You are right. I should've never even spoke to her about reconciliation and even worse sleeping with her... all that did was fed her narcissistic ego.

 

Yup, no more sex with her! All that does is confuse things and makes it more difficult to set strong boundaries with her.

 

Focus on your son, make this adjustment as easy as possible for him. Just love him and show him that you are the stable and reliable parent.

 

Have you and your soon to be ex wife considered doing family counseling? You two still have to co parent together and if you two can get a point where there's genuine respect as parents, it'll help your son in the long run.

[OatsAndHall]

I'm glad to hear that you're moving on. My divorce wasn't as nasty as yours but, long story short, the ex-boyfriend that would never go away is currently living with her in the house we bought together.

 

I'm also glad that you have ditched thoughts of reconciliation. I had many opportunities to reconcile with my ex wife while we were separated. However, a close friend of mine gave me the best piece of advice when I was dealing with all of this. He told me not to let this situation become cyclical and it became clear that was going to be the case as her and I talked about getting back together.

 

This may sound strange, but what has gotten me through my divorce was continually reminding myself that I made the choice to marry her even when it was evident early on that she wasn't a stable woman. I ignored many red flags and disregarded the advice from our mutual acquaintances. This helped me work past the resentments and regrets I had towards her as I said to myself "you're the one that married her, this is what happened and so don't make the same mistakes twice.".

[ThreeRainbows]

This may sound strange, but what has gotten me through my divorce was continually reminding myself that I made the choice to marry her even when it was evident early on that she wasn't a stable woman. I ignored many red flags and disregarded the advice from our mutual acquaintances. This helped me work past the resentments and regrets I had towards her as I said to myself "you're the one that married her, this is what happened and so don't make the same mistakes twice.".

 

*thumbs up for personal responsibility*

[Poe77]

That really sucks the deal breaker for me would have been that she was violent I would be concerned for the boy do you think she will turn her anger onto him? just a thought keep your eyes out..far as she goes you are def making the right choice just think if that blow out hadn't happened she prob would have never told you she cheated would have just moved back there and started her life over with him..she did you a huge favor even tho it doesn't feel like it right now..hope things get easier for you sooner then later..

[Miss Clavel]

i hate to show my cynical side but is there a possibility that she slept with you just to try and get pregnant? is there any chance that she is pregnant?

 

has it dawned on her yet that she will be required to pay child support?

 

that should put a damper on her new life.

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

When I started this thread I just moved her stuff to the basement and I was on an emotional high of moving on. I've since come down, I do miss her, but I keep telling myself "she cheated, she broke up our family, there is no more hope"... but quite frankly the last 14 hours or so have been pretty tough.

 

Have you and your soon to be ex wife considered doing family counseling? You two still have to co parent together and if you two can get a point where there's genuine respect as parents, it'll help your son in the long run.

 

No counseling an no co parenting. I just got a job with the FAA and I will be moving soon (5-7 months). She has agreed to give me full legal custody which will allow me to move him anywhere I want. She'll get him on holidays and summer.

 

I'm also glad that you have ditched thoughts of reconciliation. I had many opportunities to reconcile with my ex wife while we were separated. However, a close friend of mine gave me the best piece of advice when I was dealing with all of this. He told me not to let this situation become cyclical and it became clear that was going to be the case as her and I talked about getting back together.

 

There is no reconciliation. Even if I wanted to reconcile, she has already said "no" and now I'm actively doing things to move on from her. Cutting down to minimal contact, don't forget the restraining order, I can and will threaten her with that if she does not abide by my rules.

 

This may sound strange, but what has gotten me through my divorce was continually reminding myself that I made the choice to marry her even when it was evident early on that she wasn't a stable woman. I ignored many red flags and disregarded the advice from our mutual acquaintances. This helped me work past the resentments and regrets I had towards her as I said to myself "you're the one that married her, this is what happened and so don't make the same mistakes twice.".

 

THIS IS ME... exactly up to the point of my close friends advising me against it. If we didn't have a son together this would go so much faster for me but I am required to have contact with her... I'm not trying to take her son away from her, she's a good loving mother.

 

just think if that blow out hadn't happened she prob would have never told you she cheated would have just moved back there and started her life over with him..she did you a huge favor even tho it doesn't feel like it right now..hope things get easier for you sooner then later..

 

Agreed and I asked her about that and she obviously didn't give me a good answer. I don't think she would've told me. I think she would've left and it would have been completely out of the blue for me, I wouldn't have custody of my boy right now, and I would be in much worse for me.

 

I can almost pinpoint via her text messages to me when the cheating occurred... she was loving, talking about "us", she was happy about my new job offer and "our" future and then like a light switch it was over.

 

i hate to show my cynical side but is there a possibility that she slept with you just to try and get pregnant? is there any chance that she is pregnant?

 

has it dawned on her yet that she will be required to pay child support?

 

that should put a damper on her new life.

 

IDK but there is a chance I guess. She has already offered to pay me child support but I'm not going to take her to the cleaners... my new job has the potential to take me to a lower cost of living area with an almost 100% pay increase.

[salparadise]

IDK but there is a chance I guess. She has already offered to pay me child support but I'm not going to take her to the cleaners... my new job has the potential to take me to a lower cost of living area with an almost 100% pay increase.

 

 

Have the child support mandated per the scale, as usual. It will be your choice whether to require her to pay in full, on time, etc. If/when she falls behind you can choose not to report it. That will be incentive for her remain well behaved. No way would I let her off the hook legally (if it's even possible).

[Popsicle]

Good for you. I hope you stick to you guns too. It's so sad to see good men and women stay in relationships with bad people.

[oldshirt]

You are doing the right thing. It will be a pain and will be disruptive for awhile, but by this time next year you will be living a good life and will look back and know that you took the right course.

 

Your story will serve as an inspiration to others who are being mistreated and used and who need to garner the strength and resolve to protect themselves.

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

You are doing the right thing. It will be a pain and will be disruptive for awhile, but by this time next year you will be living a good life and will look back and know that you took the right course.

 

Your story will serve as an inspiration to others who are being mistreated and used and who need to garner the strength and resolve to protect themselves.

 

Thank you. I must say that I am weak right now no matter how tough I sound. If she came back crying, begging, admitting this was the biggest mistake she made then idk if I could resist right now. I think letting go of hope (which is still a struggle) is the hardest but most important decision I made. I'm continuing to try to change the inner voice to always say "this is over, we will never be a family again, this is your life going forward, you will meet someone better one day" but it's still all too new.

 

I read a post recently that has helped me and it said:

 

When a loved one decides to break up with you you have 2 choices-

 

1.) wait/beg/convince them to come back

2.) You reach point that you no longer desire your ex.

 

Working towards one of these outcomes can literally drive you crazy, while the other outcome is completely under your control.

 

You have to remember what you were like before you met your ex.

 

This doesn't mean you have to be angry, or vindictive. Hate is actually a twisted form of Love. You're going for "indifference". What it really means is that you now consider your feelings to be a hindrance to you.

 

You will have to fight yourself on this for awhile at first. You'll have to "fake it till you make it" at times. You'll feel these strong desires, but you have to consciously make the effort to say "I don't want these feelings". You may have to do things like create a fantasy person in your head or imagine yourself in love with someone else who is also in love with you. This person DOESN'T have to exist yet.

[Marc878]

She's shown and told out who she's is you would be very wise to believe her.

[oldshirt]

I think letting go of hope (which is still a struggle) is the hardest but most important decision I made. -

 

You were addicted to Hopium.

 

Hoping is a very addicting and very destructive substance. Hopium makes you believe that if you could just be good enough, sexy enough, nice enough, rich enough etc etc that it will make a person of low character and low moral substance realize they made a one-time mistake and will now turn into a good person who will love and honor and treat you decent forever.

 

....yeah Hopium makes you actually believe that.

 

The only way to beat a Hopium addiction is to realize that people cheat and treat you bad due to THEIR bad character and bad behavior and that you do not have any control over that no matter what you do or how good or sexy or good looking or rich you are.

 

Once you realize that, then you realize that your only option at a sane, healthy, happy life is to leave them behind to their own destruction and live a good life of your own.

 

Your goal is not to change them (because you can't) or to hate them or love them or to hold bitterness and resentment towards then, but to strive for your own well being and strive towards indifference to them.

 

Of course there will be sadness, disappointment and bummed out that your long term plans for your life with them did not work out. But plans and goals and circumstances always change over time.

 

It may hurt like an SOB right now. But You are doing the right thing and are actually doing quite well. My hat's off to you.

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

You were addicted to Hopium.

 

Hoping is a very addicting and very destructive substance. Hopium makes you believe that if you could just be good enough, sexy enough, nice enough, rich enough etc etc that it will make a person of low character and low moral substance realize they made a one-time mistake and will now turn into a good person who will love and honor and treat you decent forever.

 

First I want to say thank you for taking time to reply but my Hopium definition is not the same as yours. When I say giving up hope I mean giving up hope that they will change, hope that they will come back, hope that our family will be whole again. It's those thoughts that are the most damaging because I don't have control over them.

 

Even though the whore cheated on me I can't avoid the fact that I miss her... I wish there was a switch but there isn't. The cheating is almost a fantasy because I wasn't there and didn't see it. What my mind is bounded to is the times we were together... taking our son to the park, trips, date nights, etc. In those moments, when I'm doing stuff we used to do as a family but now only me and my boy, I feel the most emotional, when the realization that she's off doing whatever she wants (actually started crying right now).

 

I try to take those moments of "I miss how she was here" and try to change the voice in my head to "she will never be here, it is over, this is your future now". It doesn't make it easier in the moment, I still miss her, but the more I do those things and keep telling myself that it's just me and the boy now, won't that make it easier quicker? What do I know??!! I'm frigging guessing here. I know that people say "it takes time" but all time does is condition your brain into being ok with your ex not being around. Isn't the pain you feel from the loss of a close loved one the same a heroin addict feels during withdrawal... the same part of the brain? If I can somehow force my brain in that direction day 1 it should take a lot less time right? Again... what do I know?

[Mr. Lucky]

"I miss how she was here"

 

What helped me was realizing the "she" you're missing no longer existed, she was gone. You can have the broken and unfaithful version but it's definitely not the same person.

 

Don't confuse the two. One was a desirable and faithful partner, the other a lying and manipulative user. Two different people...

 

Mr. Lucky

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

So yesterday and today have been a big day. In the past I have read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover and I thought I was "cured". Over the last couple weeks I have read countless "how to get over your ex fast" blogs/books but last night I decided to open my copy of NMMNG and WOW! I reverted back to a Nice Guy hard! So the positives from last night and my readings and how I'm going to reclaim my personal power:

 

Surrender- I need to surrender to my reality. Like a Nice Guy I have had a "why is this happening to my" mindset. I cannot change what is happening to me. She left, she cheated, single father is my future. I cannot resist that anymore. Just reading that section last night took soooo much weight off my shoulders.

 

Surrender allows recovering Nice Guys to let go and respond to life's complex beauty, rather than trying to control it. Surrender allows these men to see life as a laboratory for learning, growth, and creativity. Surrender allows recovering Nice Guys to see each life experience as a "gift" from the universe to stimulate growth, healing and learning. Instead of asking, "Why is this happening to me?" the recovering Nice Guy can respond to life's challenges by pondering, "What do I need to learn from this situation?"

Dwell in Reality- I have these thought of: she's confused, she'll realize one day what she's done, she'll come crawling back, etc. Those are damaging thoughts. In reality she left, she cheated, she's unbothered. I'm trying to accept my reality, and I cannot control her or what I get from her.

 

Nice Guys try to control their world by creating belief systems about people and situations that are not based in reality. They then act as if these beliefs are accurate. This is why their behavior often seems illogical to outside observers.

Setting Boundaries- So there are a lot of things that have been bothering me about our current situation but I have let them fester or used covert means to get her to change. I decided last night and acted on it today to set my boundaries. I told her my rules going forward this morning when she came to watch my son while I'm at work. I told her:

 

-she will pay me the max state allowed child support. It's her son too, why should I be put in financial hardship because she doesn't want to be with me. Wherever I go next I will need full time daycare and she must help. I told her if she disagrees to get a lawyer and we can go all out. She agreed to my terms.

 

-she will give me 1 day notice and set a time to see my son. Me waiting all day for a text to see him is stressful. I told her to set a time the day prior and if she misses the time then she doesn't see him.

 

-she will only text me about pick up and drop off times of my son, and divorce items... nothing more. No: lol's, thanks, ok's, etc. I've told her this once before but she hasn't. I'm not her friend, I don't want to be her friend.

 

Boundaries are essential for survival. Learning to set boundaries allows Nice Guys to stop feeling like helpless victims and reclaim their personal power. Boundary setting is one of the most fundamental skills I teach to recovering Nice Guys.

 

I feel empowered today, I feel hopeful about the future.

[CommittedToThis]

Hi Vegan,

 

I'm seeing words like "narcissist" and "cycles" and "hopium" being bandied about and I'm wondering if perhaps your soon-to-be-ex suffers from a personality disorder?

 

If, as you look back at your marriage, you see a pattern of abuse over the years, perhaps Google "narcissistic cycle of abuse" and see if anything rings a bell.

 

I spent 10 years with an undiagnosed covert narcissist; when I read about the hallmarks of abuse I was stunned. It was *exactly* what I had experienced.

 

I left her for good 17+ months ago and it took me about a year before I started to come to grips with my new life.

 

These days, I am loving life. The peace and quiet alone are so worth the 10 years I put up with.

 

It just takes time, man. The main thing is to keep busy. Keep doing stuff, being active. But also take some "me" time, get good rest, eat healthy, exercise, have some fun if possible.

 

Remind yourself every day that you absolutely deserve the very best woman on the planet, one with integrity and kindness.

 

Lastly, this is what kicked me into high gear: I came to the realization that my ex was actually an AID in my life, an Angel in Disguise. Because of her, I painstakingly learned every single thing that I, as a man, needed to work on to become a better person.

 

I worked (and continue to work) on self-love exercises, I worked on boundary establishment enforcement issues, I learned to absolutely put my lily-white azz first in every and all situations, and I got out there and proved to myself that women find value in me (started dating a few months ago and have had awesome fun and sex, middle age rocks!).

 

So hang in there, you did the right thing, you let a deceptive and devious woman go. What else did she expect you to do?

 

One day at a time, my friend. I am proud of you. You can move forward knowing what red flags to look for and how to effectively avoid them. You can trust even more knowing you have the confidence to see red flags and act on them.

 

That concept was hugely liberating for me.

 

Wishing you the best, hang in there, it definitely, absolutely gets better. Much better!!!!!

Edited December 28, 2016 by CommittedToThis

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

Sorry I have been really busy and didn't just want to give you a simple "thanks" response.

 

Hi Vegan,

 

I'm seeing words like "narcissist" and "cycles" and "hopium" being bandied about and I'm wondering if perhaps your soon-to-be-ex suffers from a personality disorder?

 

If, as you look back at your marriage, you see a pattern of abuse over the years, perhaps Google "narcissistic cycle of abuse" and see if anything rings a bell.

 

Yes this is me/us to a T. I remember that she was pretty nonchalant about it but very critical about everything I did for the last 2 or so months. Like I could do nothing right. Now I have to have conversations with her because of our son and she is as happy as she could be.. like cheating on me and moving on was the best decision she ever made. Oh and obviously I am 100% at fault for her cheating. Now she hasn't exactly said this but when I asked her what was so bad in our relationship you should have heard the "horrible" things I've done: I don't love the holidays, she hates how I don't have a "father/son" relationship with her son (her son, 8 years old when we met, never bonded), there were a couple other things but all so superficial and probably all BS. Doesn't matter anyway. So her response is to cheat/leave and try again with who knows how many men until they love her son/Christmas. I didn't say anything to her, I'm not trying to convince her.

 

I spent 10 years with an undiagnosed covert narcissist; when I read about the hallmarks of abuse I was stunned. It was *exactly* what I had experienced.

 

I'm not entirely sure she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder but I'm 100% sure she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder coupled with several other personality disorders. She is very erratic in her thinking and always has been: getting plastic surgery, putting down deposits, backing out 2 weeks later, 6 months later rinse and repeat. Going back to school, applying online, backing out to spend time with the family, rinse and repeat. Constantly changing jobs, going back to her old job, unhappy again and rinse and repeat. I see now how this is, she's never happy and always looking for a "fix" of some sorts. I cannot provide this fix, she's stuck in a fantasy land which I cannot do anything to help her, it's not my job to help her (especially now).

 

I left her for good 17+ months ago and it took me about a year before I started to come to grips with my new life.

 

These days, I am loving life. The peace and quiet alone are so worth the 10 years I put up with.

 

It just takes time, man. The main thing is to keep busy. Keep doing stuff, being active. But also take some "me" time, get good rest, eat healthy, exercise, have some fun if possible.

 

Remind yourself every day that you absolutely deserve the very best woman on the planet, one with integrity and kindness.

 

The surrendering thing that I talked about above has helped me soooo much. Helped me look towards the future and I will be a success story like you have... I have no doubts. I just hate how my family is ending because of nothing really (I know the cheating is huge), I mean her superficial desires to break up the family. Now I am HAPPY that I'm getting this woman out of my life now as opposed to 1, 3, 10 years from now because I believe this would have happened eventually. I know this will take time, I am always busy with my son/work, I'm just excited to move away. I think the physical distance and the promise of something new will have a big effect on me.

 

Lastly, this is what kicked me into high gear: I came to the realization that my ex was actually an AID in my life, an Angel in Disguise. Because of her, I painstakingly learned every single thing that I, as a man, needed to work on to become a better person.

 

I worked (and continue to work) on self-love exercises, I worked on boundary establishment enforcement issues, I learned to absolutely put my lily-white azz first in every and all situations, and I got out there and proved to myself that women find value in me (started dating a few months ago and have had awesome fun and sex, middle age rocks!).

 

So hang in there, you did the right thing, you let a deceptive and devious woman go. What else did she expect you to do?

 

One day at a time, my friend. I am proud of you. You can move forward knowing what red flags to look for and how to effectively avoid them. You can trust even more knowing you have the confidence to see red flags and act on them.

 

That concept was hugely liberating for me.

 

Wishing you the best, hang in there, it definitely, absolutely gets better. Much better!!!!!

 

You're 100% correct. Looking back all these signs are so clear but I didn't know how to notice them then. Going forward I don't know how I'll be. Right now I am nowhere near ready to start dating anyone but one day that day will come. Right now I am firm on never getting married again... but I'm breaking one of my rules which is "never talk in absolutes", everything changes. When I move away from this place and her my new beginning will holistically start. I'm excited to reconnect with myself again and rediscover who I am after 4+ years of not being "me" but "married/father/husband me".

 

I have to think this way and again the surrendering thing has helped a lot. I sometimes have thoughts of us reconnecting, or her snapping out of it and giving me the "I made the biggest mistake" speech, I start to have make-believe conversations with her about her coming back, but then I look at my hand (which I've sharpie'd "surrender") and I snap myself back to reality... she cheated, she left, she has a personality disorder, she's not coming back, I'm better off without her and everything is OK.

[Art_Critic]

don't forget the restraining order, I can and will threaten her with that if she does not abide by my rules.

 

 

You might want to ask your attorney about whether or not sleeping with her tore the restraining order down.

 

In my state you can't accept contact like sex and then whip out the order.. in my state sex would nullify the order, and if the language didn't allow it I would think her attorney would balk at the fact you had her arrested after having sex with her.

 

Good for you for showing and accepting the fact you are your kids full time Dad and the only parent to have full custody..

 

I wish you good luck

[VeganButEatMyMeat]

2 more things that are bothering me-

 

1.) After 4+ years with this woman and (what I thought) a very loving, the sickening couple that's all over each other all the time relationship, it's like I am a stranger. I understand that long term that she's actually doing me a favor, and this is another reason I believe that she may have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder... she just was not getting any more N supply from me. It just bugs me is all.

 

2.) Looking back at the last couple months of our relationship I never said "no" to her for anything. Now I know this is a Nice Guy mentality that "if I don't rock the boat that I will live a smooth life" but it's more than that. I had this sense (subconsciously) that something was wrong and everything I did was wrong. If I said "no" to her she would see me as a man that she wasn't compatible with, but if I said yes to her all the time I was conforming to Nice Guy thinking (which is another recipe for disaster).

 

I remember very vividly her saying to me "I appreciate you so much more for this" after I took her out on an amazing date night in D.C., got a hotel, smooth talked the hotel desk clerk and got a free upgrade, had fun dancing/eating, back to the hotel and f#(ked her. The next morning is when she told me those words and it stung me then... like she didn't appreciate me before. This was 1 week before she decided to cheat on me.

 

Ok, rant over.

Edited December 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Downtown]

I'm not entirely sure she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder but I'm 100% sure she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder coupled with several other personality disorders.

Vegan, the NPD described in the diagnostic manual is simply a description of behavioral symptoms, i.e., a group of behaviors everyone exhibits to some degree. NPD is not a description of the disorder itself. Indeed, the "disorder" causing NPD may be the very same disorder causing the other 9 PDs.

 

Until scientists determine what it is that causes personality disorders, it will be impossible for psychologists to write a diagnostic manual that actually describes the disorder itself. The result is that nobody knows whether the ten PDs are caused by several separate disorders or, rather, all ten PDs are caused by a single underlying disorder.

 

I mention all this to explain why it is not surprising that, if your W is exhibiting NPD, she also exhibits at least one other PD. Recent studies show that the vast majority of people exhibiting one full-blown PD also exhibit one or two other PDs as well. Because the PDs are only behavioral symptoms, saying that a person is exhibiting several PDs does not imply that she has several underlying causes or diseases. Rather, you are only saying that she exhibits multiple symptoms. It's like saying that a person having a fever and upset stomach also has body aches, tiredness, and headaches.

 

She is very erratic in her thinking and always has been: getting plastic surgery, putting down deposits, backing out 2 weeks later, 6 months later rinse and repeat. Going back to school, applying online, backing out to spend time with the family, rinse and repeat. Constantly changing jobs, going back to her old job, unhappy again and rinse and repeat.

Vegan, you are describing emotional instability. Of the ten PDs, the only one listing emotional instability as a defining symptom is BPD (Borderline PD). Indeed, of the 9 defining traits for BPD, at least four of them contain terms describing emotional instability. I mention this because a 2008 study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 41% of the female narcissists (i.e., those with full-blown NPD) also exhibited full-blown BPD. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. An excellent concise description of what it feels like to live with a BPDer for 23 years is provided in Salparadise's 3/23/16 post. If those descriptions ring many bells, I would be glad to join Sal, Committed and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exGF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for NPD and BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, Vegan.

Edited December 30, 2016 by Downtown

[Mr. Lucky]

I remember very vividly her saying to me "I appreciate you so much more for this" after I took her out on an amazing date night in D.C., got a hotel, smooth talked the hotel desk clerk and got a free upgrade, had fun dancing/eating, back to the hotel and f#(ked her like the whore she was. The next morning is when she told me those words and it stung me then... like she didn't appreciate me before. This was 1 week before she decided to cheat on me.

 

Don't be guilty of the same thing she is - revising history to suit your present perspective.

 

As tough as it is, force your thoughts forward. You've got plenty on your plate and many good things ahead of you...

 

Mr. Lucky