Missing an ex that treated me badly

[Boyo123]

Hi guys

 

First of all greetings of the season to you all!

 

I've never posted on a forum like this before but I don't know what to do.

 

I started seeing a girl on my uni course earlier this year. Things progressed amazingly and I genuinely thought this was the girl that I might settle down with. We declared exclusivity, but a week later I went away for the night and she went out and slept with someone else. She told me the next day.

 

Blinded by how much I like doing this girl I gave her another chance (against many people's advice) after she literally begged me to. Things were good again until a week later she 'freaked out' about us and completely became bipolar with me-being affectionate when drunk or when she wanted it but at other times being distant and even ignoring my texts.

 

Things came to a head that weekend, when I found out some bad family news. The one person I told about it and asked to be there for me was her, but her response was 'oh sorry I'm too busy'. This left me home alone and in a bad way. Safe to say things ended as she said she's 'happier doing her own thing.'

 

Since the breakup I have tried to be civil as she is in my friends group, only for her to tell m to F off. This led to a week later us being on a night out together but me just letting her have own night, I didn't ignore her in a rude way. As I was heading home that night she left me abusive texts and voicemails calling me pathetic for ignoring her and ruining her night-I feel like I can't win.

 

So two questions here-1, what isn't my best approach seeing as I see her every day and every night out?

And 2, why do I still miss her? When I am alone I think about how good the good times were and the very real connection we had, and I wonder what could have been done differently, even though i know she was to blame.

 

Sorry for the long post but I'm in a bit of a bad place right now.

 

Thanks in advance and merry Christmas

Boyo

Edited December 24, 2016 by Boyo123

[DarrenB]

 

Sorry for the long post but I'm in a bit of a bad place right now.

 

Thanks in advance and merry Christmas

Boyo

 

Welcome to Loveshack!

 

The best way to approach the situation, is to really just treat her like she doesn't even exist. I'm pretty sure you're thinking that's impossible to do, but think of all the things that make you repel against her. It will definitely help you mentally and emotionally clear her from your mind. After all, why would you want to keep thoughts and feelings for someone who dismissed you so bitterly? Trust me, having this mentality helps alot.

 

Secondly, ask your friends to not include you or her at the same events that you'd probably attend to together. The worst thing is seeing her continuously when you're just trying to get out with a few friends and have a good time. Tell them to not feed you any information about her, what she's doing or anything. You don't need that, block her out of your life. Hearing additional information about her in any way is just going to keep giving you a sense of false hope, or worse sadness.

 

You still miss her because she was the one who essentially finished things with you, so of course you're still going to bargain, grieve and so forth.

 

Come to the realization, that she's no longer good for you nor compatible for you. It will help you recover easier and hopefully faster.

 

Take care, best of luck and Merry Christmas.

[alexdusty]

You said it yourself, you're blinded by how much you like this girl.

 

But I just want you to take a step back, and look at how she has been treating you. Really look at it. Think of it this way:

 

If you had only just met this girl, with no feelings of infatuation (think of her as a random on campus) and she abused you, mistreated you, broke your trust within the first hour of meeting her, would you want to continue being friends? No you wouldn't.

 

Because that person is an *******. Anyone would stop and think to themselves "geez what an *******, i'm definitely not investing anymore time in that person".

 

I apologize for bursting the bubble, but she doesn't care about you. She doesn't respect your worth or values or trust. She's a bad person. And you need to realize that.

 

You need to stop and think "hang on, this girl is treating me like ****, why am I LETTING HER treat me like ****?" and by not doing this at the moment, your definitely not respecting yourself, and the situation gets worse.

 

In regards to seeing her every day, in my opinion, I wouldn't show her any respect or affection. In fact, i'd be a completely ******* to her (in retaliation of course). You don't have to follow this advice, but after someone had treated me like that, I'd treat them the same way back. At the end of the day it's about you, not her.

 

I don't know the science behind people holding onto abusive relationships, but maybe it's because you are ONLY thinking about the good times (that you feel like you miss her so much).

 

You need to pull yourself up and out of that. Visualize yourself hovering above your own shoulders and PULLING yourself up every day. That's what I do when i'm feeling down. I'm going through a break up right now and it's definitely helping. It's strengthens your confidence and worth, and slowly re creates the feeling that your strong and you CAN get out of this rut.

 

You're better than this, Boyo123. Your a MAN. A LEADER. A confident, fearless leader who can overcome bad times and be ambitious for the future.

 

You WILL find a new partner. You just will. And it's inevitable, it could happen tomorrow, or next month, or in 2 years. But it will happen. And when this does happen, you will look back and think "why the f*** was i holding onto that bitch for so long?". So be hopeful.

 

Look strong. Look fearless, and hold yourself together when your around her. Don't be unnecessary rude and nasty to her, but if she provokes you, show no mercy. Honestly. Don't hang around for people like that.

 

GL

[umirano]

She sounds quite un-well in the head. Best to keep her at arms length.