Boundaries After Affair

[Texygrl]

Honestly, it's really hard not to agree with this.

 

My summary...your H got kicked out because he was verbally (and once physically) abusive and his reaction was to begin dating someone else. And he wasn't upfront about it but continued to do it with other women. Instead of working on his issues, he dropped a nuke on the marriage. And now you're left twisting yourself in knots trying to find excuses from his childhood that would allow you to forgive him.

 

My point of view is that the onus is on him to convince you to pause the divorce. I think your exercise in making a list of what would be required is a good one to undertake. It's good to form and understand your boundaries. But I wouldn't spoon-feed any of it to him. Let him be proactive in repairing the damage. And if you get a whiff of minimizing, blameshifting, lying, gaslighting, or any other such bullcrap, then you simply keep walking.

 

Someone's history doesn't excuse their behavior. I get that your H has abandonment issues. Cry me a river. Honestly, is there someone out there that doesn't have some issues from childhood? It's no excuse to treat the people in your life like crap. The only time our family of origin (FOO) issues become relevant to me is in the context of a truly remorseful wayward that is being introspective enough to learn why they permitted themselves to justify destructive behavior so they can avoid doing it again in the future. It isn't used to justify any of it; it simply provides useful context.

 

Consider me in the crowd that says you shouldn't sit here and see the glass as half full and simply have faith that people can change. You should keep walking until such time as you're convinced that he HAS changed. And based on what I've read here, that window should be closing pretty rapidly.

 

I get the impression that you're (at some point) going to reconvene. What do you see as next steps?

 

Something that keeps coming back around in my thoughts, is to finalize the divorce. It puts a period at the end of that marriage, which did nothing but cause pain (for both of us). It would be a consequence for his behavior.

 

This would be the biggest demonstration of my seriousness I'm done with the "old" him. If he was accepting and understanding of the point, it would be a huge sign of...devotion?...commitment? I wouldn't consider it turning us into singles again...we would continue to work on ourselves as a choice, not in hopes to "save the marriage".

 

I would require complete transparency from him (passwords, text messages, emails, etc). But it would not work both ways. I never did anything to jeopardize our marriage, not one thing. So I don't think he should have the same access as I do.

 

He would have to join a support group of some sort...find his own church (which is important to me, and he says is to him), and read some books.

 

He will have to understand that I am not changing. I am more aware of the negative aspects I brought to the marriage, but that's superficial issues that can easily be modified.

 

In essence, we would be exclusively "dating". It may be that we find out it just won't work because of our differences.

 

I will always see the glass half full, and always have faith. That's just part of who I am. But, I will remain moving forward on my path (which really is what I've been doing). He will either keep up, or I'll just get further away.

 

There has been a huge shift in my thinking. I don't need him to be okay. I don't need anyone to be okay, and that's a completely new understanding for me. I survived for 43 years, and for the last two I've started thriving. The only people I want in my life are people that are going to support, encourage and celebrate me as the person I am, not the person someone wishes I would be.

 

I think those are steps? My focus will remain on my children first, then my own growth.

 

Y'alls thoughts? (Be gentle, I kind of like those steps...).

[Texygrl]

Exactly.

 

Texygrl, you're like a hovering parent completing your child's science fair project for them. Your H needs to go down this road and do the work himself, otherwise no ownership or chance to learn. And you need to accept the fact he'll most likely never get there, at least not on a timetable that will work for you. FOO issues are the toughest to overcome.

 

Ironic your thread is titled "boundaries-after-affair". Time to start enforcing some ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

What are FOO issues??

 

And I don't have a timetable for this relationship, or any other intimate relationship for that matter. I have three boys, one a teenager, one will be a teenager next May, and one going into middle school next year. My plate is full with just that.

 

My opinion, at this juncture, is intimacy is a luxury. I'm not opposed to it, but I won't die without it. I need to focus on my boys, time with them is fleeting and I still have so much to teach them. They are my focus, anything that detracts from them has no place in my life at this point.

[BluesPower]

Here is the deal...

 

With the stuff that you have described, I say just get finished with the divorce. I understand not wanting to but how long are you going to wait?

 

You, and I, cannot fix other people. So many of us make that mistake. It simply cannot be done.

 

At some point in life, your happiness has to come into play...

[BetrayedH]

FOO is "family of origin."

 

I think you're on the right track. I'll admit that I'm always a bit skeptical of the practice of divorcing and then dating to potentially reestablish a relationship. That always seems a step too far to me if the intent is to eventually reconcile. It seems akin to exacting your pound of flesh. I've kinda always felt that if you're going to attempt to reconcile, then stop divorcing.

 

But the strategy you describe isn't too far off what I've suggested. And there have been a few success stories here were a betrayed spouse proceeded with divorce and the wayward took their consequence and still stayed faithful and pursued a reconciliation. That has to feel somewhat convincing that their remorse is true and that they are reconciling because they want to, rather than as a form of damage control.

 

I'm curious, what are your husband's expectations of next steps? Is he waiting for a shot at repairing things? Has the MC coordinated some form of plan to get you two together and discuss ending the separation?

[Texygrl]

Here is the deal...

 

With the stuff that you have described, I say just get finished with the divorce. I understand not wanting to but how long are you going to wait?

 

You, and I, cannot fix other people. So many of us make that mistake. It simply cannot be done.

 

At some point in life, your happiness has to come into play...

 

At this point, today, I have zero problem with divorcing. Bouncing this around in this forum has been a tremendous help. And I can really tell the difference the EMDR has made...I've not had a single (even little) panic attack.

 

How long am I going to wait? If there is steady forward progress/effort on his part, I have no time frame. I'm not racing against time. My happiness is dependent on me not him, and I'm currently happy.

 

FOO is "family of origin."

 

I think you're on the right track. I'll admit that I'm always a bit skeptical of the practice of divorcing and then dating to potentially reestablish a relationship. That always seems a step too far to me if the intent is to eventually reconcile. It seems akin to exacting your pound of flesh. I've kinda always felt that if you're going to attempt to reconcile, then stop divorcing.

 

But the strategy you describe isn't too far off what I've suggested. And there have been a few success stories here were a betrayed spouse proceeded with divorce and the wayward took their consequence and still stayed faithful and pursued a reconciliation. That has to feel somewhat convincing that their remorse is true and that they are reconciling because they want to, rather than as a form of damage control.

 

I'm curious, what are your husband's expectations of next steps? Is he waiting for a shot at repairing things? Has the MC coordinated some form of plan to get you two together and discuss ending the separation?

 

Hmm, I get what you're saying about the pound of flesh, didn't think about the other perspective. That's not the intent, in my head it's different. Honestly, this entire relationship has to be remapped from scratch the way I see it...

 

In my head, there's nothing I want to "save" about this marriage. It was a colossal failure. It needs to die. Then from the ashes, build something completely different.

 

It also gives the freedom of choice, again, in my head. Not only for me, but for him as well.

 

I have no idea if this will work out or not. I've never remained married to an unfaithful partner, and can't say unequivocally that I can get past it. I don't want to feel pressured to have to get over it. Nor do I want to feel guilty for not getting over it fast enough (for him). Then there's the whole "what if it doesn't work out"? Will I then have to go through the grief of a failed marriage again??

 

On the flip side, he's got a lot of work to do. He needs to want to do that for himself first, then me. He's got to figure out how to be happy without me, and I don't know if that's possible for him. He too needs to be free of feeling guilty if he gets to a point he doesn't want to work on himself anymore. He may find a place he's happy being himself and doesn't want to fit into my standards. And, in my head, already being divorced eliminates the fear. (Maybe?)

 

It's a mindset thing for me. I don't want us to work on this because we think we have to save something. We have to come at this from a place of want, not need.

 

As for what H expects as next steps, no idea. I'm almost 100% sure this new MC opened up a whole new can of worms for him (and me for that matter), heck, probably even for her!

 

We went in to learn to communicate better...I'd successfully stuffed the infidelity in a box and put it in the back corner. She gave us some great tools, except when we started trying to apply them, one of us would get triggered. That's when the MC realized there were much deeper issues for both of us, and why she suggested the no contact. Her only plan during the NC was to do the EMDR therapy with both of us (separately), and then meet after the first of the year to reevaluate the situation.

[Downtown]

There is some deep trauma from his childhood that surfaced during therapy. Physical abuse from his mom, abandonment from his dad.... In essence, he suffers PTSD from his childhood.

Texygrl, it would be a mistake to conclude that, because your H experienced abuse and abandonment in childhood, he now suffers from PTSD. My understanding of current theory is that PTSD is believed to arise from traumas that generally were experienced in mid-to-late childhood or later in life. For example, a sexual assault, auto accident, or battlefield trauma can give rise to nightmares, flashbacks, and other signs of strong anxiety that comprise the symptoms for PTSD.

 

Yet, when a severe trauma occurs before the age of five, it can be far more damaging because it is occurring at a time when the child should be developing his sense of self identity and learning basic skills for regulating his emotions and defending his ego. This is why a trauma at that young age can bring the child's emotional development to a grinding halt.

 

The result, according to current theory, is that the child never develops an integrated sense of self. Moreover, he doesn't learn how to regulate his own emotions, how to intellectually challenge intense feelings, how to avoid black-white thinking by tolerating ambiguities and conflicting feelings, how to do self soothing, how to trust his partner for extended periods, or how to remain in the present instead of escaping into the past and future through frequent daydreams. This is why the behavioral symptoms for BPD are much broader -- and generally much more difficult to treat -- than those for PTSD.

 

Significantly, you don't say how old your H was when the physical abuse was done by his mother, and the abandonment was done by his father, during "his childhood." Even if those physical events happened after the age of five, there likely is a good chance that two parents abusing him in that way at a later stage of childhood also were emotionally abusing him at a much younger age.

 

It was suggested in another post that it could be way more than just the childhood trauma, along the lines of BPD.

In post #23 above, I stated that many of the behaviors you describe sound like classic warning signs for BPD. Nobody knows for certain what it is that causes BPD. Most abused children do not develop it. Childhood abuse, particularly that occurring in early childhood, nonetheless is believed to greatly increase the risk for developing BPD.

 

When a child does develop BPD, he is unable to properly regulate his own emotions and thus is likely to be very oversensitive, to be easily offended, and to overreact to interpersonal events. This increases the likelihood of him feeling traumatized by subsequent life events. It therefore is not surprising that BPDers are at much greater risk of developing PTSD later in life. The 2008 study I cited in post #23 found that 30% of male BPDers (and 47% of female BPDers) also suffer from co-occurring PTSD. And 70% of the BPDers reported that they had been abused or abandoned by a parent during childhood.

[Oberfeldwebel]

You ask can he change? Yes of course he can change, but will he change is the real question. The gauge of future behavior, is past behavior and he does not have a very good track record. Look at your posts that describes him every time you confront him and what does he do? He blame shifts the problem to somebody else.....you made me do it.....I didn't think you cared. It is all an attempt to create doubt in your mind and down play his actions.

 

If he was serious about reconciliation he would have taken responsibility and done those things necessary to regain your trust. The decision is entirely yours as you are the only one here with a stake in the game, but sometimes you have to know when to fold them.

[Texygrl]

Downtown, I've concluded nothing at this point, I have theories. PTSD has not been a diagnosis, severe trauma has been brought up by the therapist. PTSD is trauma, trauma is not necessarily PTSD. He went thought, and his brain still holds on to, sever trauma during his childhood. The physical abuse memories come after age 5. I believe the abandonment trauma was before age 5, it's his first memory.

 

It very well could be something way more in depth that can't just be "worked out" in therapy. If that's the case, I will not stay, and I am completely aware of that possibility.

 

Oberfeldwebel, I will know when to fold'em. There is new knowledge on the table now. He has taken blame, at times, but will turn it back on me when he becomes overwhelmed. This is directly tied to his childhood abuse/abandonment.

 

I absolutely agree, and it's become my mantra to him "the best predictor of the future is the past". I will.not.live. one more day that even remotely looks like our past. I also believe that if you know better, you do better. But even then, there are limits.

 

Does he deserve yet another chance? A resounding no would be the answer to that question. I could walk away and feel no guilt about doing so, which is exactly where I needed to be and wasn't 6 weeks ago.

 

My plan is to walk into our next therapy session with a final divorce decree for him to sign. I've come up with my "list" of what I need from him to move forward with therapy. I will not leave that session wondering if he's going to change, because the expectation at the beginning of NC was for there to be change. I'm well versed in lip service. I know exactly what to ask/propose to see if there's really been meaningful change, or if it's just more promises he cannot fulfill.

 

He is not a bad person. He is a very troubled person that has two very conflicting sides. No one has every challenged him as to why the two sides a polar opposites, most people have just walked away. At first, I did fall into the "savior" role, to my own demise. However, I know better now, and I'm doing better now.

 

It will make me incredibly sad if I have to walk away because I don't know if he cares enough about himself to keep getting the help he needs. I've always just wanted him to be happy, like, really really happy. And I know that walking away will give him a better chance at being happy. I like me, I like my life(now), and I have a vision for my future (which is largely based around my children right now). If he's not changed in the slightest, my life will just bring him more pain (not because it's my fault), which in turn would detract from my peace and happiness. I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself for anyone else (well, besides my children).

[usa1ah]

We live apart because I (finally) realized what a toxic environment they were in.

 

As to why I want this man...there are many qualities about him that aren't horrible. I've just painted the horrible picture to get the feedback I want. "As-is", I don't want the abusive, lying, cheating version of this man.

 

My question was, can he change?

 

There are other layers to the relationship that I do have responsibility to. And I know (now) that I absolutely deserve better. Can he be better is the question I ask myself. He can't be better overnight, but I like to think people can change over time and with great effort.

 

That's why I looked for a forum like this. To read other people's stories, get feedback. I had one boyfriend in high school, was married for 12 years, and now have been married again for 6 years. My "relationship" experience is incredibly lacking.

 

It's jacked up. My father and I had a wonderful relationship, no childhood issues with him, yet...I'm 0-3 so far in the life partner department. It's infuriating, and I honestly can't figure it out! (And I'm not an idiot, I just play one on the internet...).

 

First thing, you are NOT responsible for his behaviour.

 

Next, he will only change if he wants to, that simple.

 

Lastly, look for the traits you don't like in someone first. Everyone is quick to see the positive traits, look for signs of the negative ones. Like you said, you are the everlasting optimists. You see the good in everyone.

 

Hope this helps.

[usa1ah]

Understood.

 

There is some deep trauma from his childhood that surfaced during therapy. Physical abuse from his mom, abandonment from his dad. As it was explored, the "why" he did what he did made more sense. In essence, he suffers PTSD from his childhood.

 

It was suggested in another post that it could be way more than just the childhood trauma, along the lines of BPD. Which adds another layer to the already complicated situation.

 

He has done some EMDR work on said trauma, which may or may not make a difference in our marriage therapy. I've needed to do my own EMDR work, and we have been No Contact since before Thanksgiving.

 

As I've worked through my EMDR, I've become less and less accepting of any blame for his behavior. Where I once thought if I just changed enough, his behavior would change, I now see it has zero to do with me. Since that change happened in me, I look at things differently.

 

What jacked the whole thing up was the sexual relationships/lying while we were separated. Both were not an issue prior to the separation.

 

In the last several days, I've realized that I'm hyper focusing on needing to know what's going to happen. Trying to make a list has kept my mind focused on the list instead of on the other women...

 

Basically, I've narrowed it down to "we've got to address the affair and the lying" First. Period. He's squared it up in his head that since we were separated, and he felt like I abandoned him, it wasn't an "affair". That's my opening statement when we meet January 4th with our therapist. If he balks, then there's no point in moving forward.

 

If he doesn't balk...then I'll still expect something vastly different than what he's already offered. And it will have to be something that catches me off guard (in a good way) because I'm used to being able to predict his moves.

 

So now, I just have to wait and see.

 

Sorry but, all of the crap he went thru during his childhood is a excuse for his behavior. It's just him blame shifting again.

 

My parents D when I was 4. I only saw my dad once a year for a few weeks, he remarried a woman with three kids. Felt like a third wheel if you know what I mean. My mom kept partying and sleeping around, heck she didn't come home some nights. I have never cheated or abused my wife because of my childhood. Just have never done it.

 

Until he take responsibility for his actions he will not change.

Edited December 29, 2016 by usa1ah

[harrybrown]

Glad that you are making progress. (seems like you are from the change in your posts)

 

In addition to signing the D, on your list of things if he wants to continue to try, is writing a timeline of all his affairs.

 

You can't put that box in a corner, if you are really serious about seeing if he changes.

 

However, I do think, you would be better after you finalize the D to move on.

 

good luck to you and your boys.

[Texygrl]

Sorry but, all of the crap he went thru during his childhood is a excuse for his behavior. It's just him blame shifting again.

 

My parents D when I was 4. I only saw my dad once a year for a few weeks, he remarried a woman with three kids. Felt like a third wheel if you know what I mean. My mom kept partying and sleeping around, heck she didn't come home some nights. I have never cheated or abused my wife because of my childhood. Just have never done it.

 

Until he take responsibility for his actions he will not change.

 

He actually has never connected his behavior with his childhood abuse, so never used it as an excuse. It had always been my "theory". His mother is a not nice person, I cut her out of my life before the end of our first year together. She's toxic and to this day treats H like a dog.

 

It was our current therapist that put it on his radar. And since, he has not used it as an excuse. He's actually done the EMDR therapy and individual counseling to gain a better understanding of how it's affected him his entire life.

 

There is a difference between a crappy childhood with crappy parents, and suffering specific trauma(s). It also depends greatly on the individual, the event, the age, and how they felt during the event. One of the key aspects to PTSD is that it's reported the person felt alone. That is why there are soldiers that come back from war that do not develop PTSD.

 

As stated by Downtown, the sort of trauma my H experienced could have caused more than just PTSD. Ongoing abuse of a child changes their brain. It's more than just "bad memories", it rewires the brain completely.

 

That said, I am in no way excusing his behavior. I understand it better now, and feel less crazy myself because there really are two completely different sides to him. But that doesn't mean I'm suddenly ok with what's happened, or that I'm just going to sweep it under the rug and wipe the slate clean. That'd be ridiculous.

[Texygrl]

Glad that you are making progress. (seems like you are from the change in your posts)

 

In addition to signing the D, on your list of things if he wants to continue to try, is writing a timeline of all his affairs.

 

You can't put that box in a corner, if you are really serious about seeing if he changes.

 

However, I do think, you would be better after you finalize the D to move on.

 

good luck to you and your boys.

 

That's a good addition, harrybrown! Thank you.

 

It may turn out that moving on is the best thing. My mind is not set either way right now. I typically hate forming an opinion, or making a decision, without having a complete picture.

 

My picture has changed dramatically over the last six weeks. Heck, you even validated the change happens daily! Of course, I can't predict how the last six weeks has impacted H. But I can use my progress as a gauge, and will.

 

In my mind, I have nothing to lose at this point. All of this is experience, and is helping remap my brain to recognize healthy behavior vs destructive behavior. It also is a good practice in remaining present and managing my anxiety (which is a huge challenge for me). The difference in my brain after EMDR is truly amazing; the anxiety hasn't gone away, but it's a lot more manageable!

 

!!!Optimist Alert!!!

 

Without the experience in this marriage, there is so much I wouldn't have discovered about me. Had it gone any differently, it's likely we'd end up divorced, eventually, and I'd move on with the same blindness I had coming into the marriage. For that, I am thankful, and it gives me a certain amount of peace.

 

This marriage crossed the two boundaries I said I would never allow to be crossed again: physical abuse (even if it's just one time); and infidelity.

 

For whatever reason, there is some sort of responsibility on my part, I clearly missed some red flags. Even more so, I had no concept of boundaries!! Well, I do on some level, but not when it comes to very personal relationships. Just discovering and learning about that has been a God-send. It's helping with all my relationships!

 

So...there is a silver lining in the clouds of this storm.

[Whoknew30]

I still think it's an A bc you moved out & filed for divorce & he didn't see anyone else until you did that. I think the abuse is the problem...honestly I personally think you have insecurity issues. If I left my H for abuse, I wouldn't care who he was seeing bc I left him.

 

I think you're blame shifting things more than looking at the actual issue...(unless he was in the military & or was working somewhere else) a spouse walking out the door for over a year & the left spouse starting is considered an A just bc the divorce isn't finalized. I think you wanted him to change & you thought by leaving him, it would force a change. When that didn't work, you're now saying he had an A...he sounds abusive, which should be the reason for the divorce...you can't have a marriage & not live as a married couple by choice & expect the other person not to start to move on.

[Texygrl]

I still think it's an A bc you moved out & filed for divorce & he didn't see anyone else until you did that. I think the abuse is the problem...honestly I personally think you have insecurity issues. If I left my H for abuse, I wouldn't care who he was seeing bc I left him.

 

I think you're blame shifting things more than looking at the actual issue...(unless he was in the military & or was working somewhere else) a spouse walking out the door for over a year & the left spouse starting is considered an A just bc the divorce isn't finalized. I think you wanted him to change & you thought by leaving him, it would force a change. When that didn't work, you're now saying he had an A...he sounds abusive, which should be the reason for the divorce...you can't have a marriage & not live as a married couple by choice & expect the other person not to start to move on.

 

We agreed to live separately, as a married couple. The environment was toxic, for both of us, and especially for my children. The purpose for living separately was to elevate the stress we did not know how to live under in the hopes that with continued individual counseling we could better understand out "triggers" and start building a healthy relationship. The end goal has always been to reconcile the marriage. And to be clear, it wasn't something just in my head. This was a conversation between the two of us.

 

Technically, he moved out...but I'll go with I moved out just to make it easy.

 

I moved out because I needed to work on me, and he knew he needed to work on himself. Did I hope he would change? Of course. Did I expect it, no. At the time, my intense focus was on myself. We separated end of July 2015. He started a sexual relationship in December 2015. There was no divorce at that time. We still saw each other regularly. The only time we did not was when I held to a boundary against his bad behavior and needed time for myself to decompress. I always reached out, or responded to him when he reached out.

 

There was a part of me that filed for the divorce as drawing a clear line in the sand. But it was also because I saw there was no change I could ever make that would change his behavior. It was a declaration to myself that I deserved better. This was conveyed to him, at length.

 

The relationship he started after the papers were filed is somewhat understandable, of course only from his point of view. When I began to see him and the OW popping up at the same places, I brought it to his attention. I told him it was understandable, inevitable, and that because of that I needed to go NC because I was not in a place I could handle seeing him with another woman. The only reason I didn't go NC was because he assured me I was the only woman he wanted. And of course, I bought it, hook line and sinker.

 

An affair is an affair if the couple has not clearly stated they are moving on to explore other relationships. Or, they have separated and are no longing having any sort of contact whatsoever. If one or both are still professing love for/to each other then having a sexual/emotional relationship with the opposite sex is an affair.

 

I won't be swayed to believe differently. Even after divorce papers are filed, there is a level of decency required, at least, during the 61 day waiting period. It doesn't have to be telling the other partner they are going to start seeing other people, but in the very least, completely detach from them. If one wants to move on, then move on completely. Cut all strings, all.of.them. To do anything else is selfish and self serving.

 

Admittedly, I was very insecure. The abuse was definitely a bigger issue, and is not completely off the table, though there was positive progress being made by him. I now understand the insecurity and it's roots, I am no longer coming from that place.

 

Lastly, a marriage can be anything the couple defines it to be. It is not a one-size fits all sort of thing. The only common denominator in all marriage is commitment by two people, but that's where the similarities end. If the couple has agreed to certain terms, then they can live within those terms however they like. Having an emotional/sexual relationship did not fall under our terms.

[Whoknew30]

We agreed to live separately, as a married couple. The environment was toxic, for both of us, and especially for my children. The purpose for living separately was to elevate the stress we did not know how to live under in the hopes that with continued individual counseling we could better understand out "triggers" and start building a healthy relationship. The end goal has always been to reconcile the marriage. And to be clear, it wasn't something just in my head. This was a conversation between the two of us.

 

Technically, he moved out...but I'll go with I moved out just to make it easy.

 

I moved out because I needed to work on me, and he knew he needed to work on himself. Did I hope he would change? Of course. Did I expect it, no. At the time, my intense focus was on myself. We separated end of July 2015. He started a sexual relationship in December 2015. There was no divorce at that time. We still saw each other regularly. The only time we did not was when I held to a boundary against his bad behavior and needed time for myself to decompress. I always reached out, or responded to him when he reached out.

 

There was a part of me that filed for the divorce as drawing a clear line in the sand. But it was also because I saw there was no change I could ever make that would change his behavior. It was a declaration to myself that I deserved better. This was conveyed to him, at length.

 

The relationship he started after the papers were filed is somewhat understandable, of course only from his point of view. When I began to see him and the OW popping up at the same places, I brought it to his attention. I told him it was understandable, inevitable, and that because of that I needed to go NC because I was not in a place I could handle seeing him with another woman. The only reason I didn't go NC was because he assured me I was the only woman he wanted. And of course, I bought it, hook line and sinker.

 

An affair is an affair if the couple has not clearly stated they are moving on to explore other relationships. Or, they have separated and are no longing having any sort of contact whatsoever. If one or both are still professing love for/to each other then having a sexual/emotional relationship with the opposite sex is an affair.

 

I won't be swayed to believe differently. Even after divorce papers are filed, there is a level of decency required, at least, during the 61 day waiting period. It doesn't have to be telling the other partner they are going to start seeing other people, but in the very least, completely detach from them. If one wants to move on, then move on completely. Cut all strings, all.of.them. To do anything else is selfish and self serving.

 

Admittedly, I was very insecure. The abuse was definitely a bigger issue, and is not completely off the table, though there was positive progress being made by him. I now understand the insecurity and it's roots, I am no longer coming from that place.

 

Lastly, a marriage can be anything the couple defines it to be. It is not a one-size fits all sort of thing. The only common denominator in all marriage is commitment by two people, but that's where the similarities end. If the couple has agreed to certain terms, then they can live within those terms however they like. Having an emotional/sexual relationship did not fall under our terms.

 

 

You haven't made him detach...you act as he has all this power & you just sit waiting for him to make every decision. Take control over your own life, your way & how you want. If your husband was decent he wouldn't have abused you to begin. No one has control over your life but you.

 

A marriage is a relationship, it's not just the piece of paper. Not living together for that long by choice, is not an authentic relationship regardless of what your marriage certificate says...so you haven't had a authentic relationship in a long time. So you have had the choice to detach & YOU have chosen not to...it just seems you want all this decency from someone you already know isn't decent. Look at things how they are, not how they "should be" & you can't go wrong! Good luck

[Texygrl]

You haven't made him detach...you act as he has all this power & you just sit waiting for him to make every decision. Take control over your own life, your way & how you want. If your husband was decent he wouldn't have abused you to begin. No one has control over your life but you.

 

A marriage is a relationship, it's not just the piece of paper. Not living together for that long by choice, is not an authentic relationship regardless of what your marriage certificate says...so you haven't had a authentic relationship in a long time. So you have had the choice to detach & YOU have chosen not to...it just seems you want all this decency from someone you already know isn't decent. Look at things how they are, not how they "should be" & you can't go wrong! Good luck

 

That is where I am now, Who.

 

I am seeing things as they are, and as they were. There are underlying issues that made detaching almost impossible for me. Those have been address, and I can actually function like a "normal" person.

 

With this new functionality I will not hold onto hope of what could be. It either will be, or it won't be. That is a place I've never been before. I have no "real world" experience of it in intimate relationships. But through the EMDR and, seriously, the last several days of discussing this topic, I have a way better picture of what should be and how to obtain that should be.