Vinotha Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 I am a 25 year age girl.. upto my age of 25 i didnt love anybody..i am a culture oriented girl.. past 2 year i have a friend... he is a very nice to me and our friendship ends in love.we are loving each other past 6 months.. he had a love failure in his past.. i acept that. And loved him.. he used to drink.. for me he stopped all his bad habits.. he is a type of guy who played cricket and roaming with friends.. because of me he reduced his friends circle.. my parent want me to marry a govt employee. Now he is preparing for compettive exams and suceed to.. he cleared preliminary and mains and come up to interview level.. now he is hard working all for me.. the problem is 2 days before i saw his fb msg he used to go to prostitutes during his love failure time.. he told me at that time he drink a lot.. bt didnt tell these things.. i cant digest this.. and i didnt ask anything about this.. he is having exams this weekend.. so i didnt ask.. we didnt have sex.. bt i kissed him.. he is my first love and the only boy i spoke.. i dnt knw about boys world.. is going to prostitutes is a normal one?? I cant digest.. help me i am also having exams tis weekend i also come upto interview level.. we planned our future.. bt now i collapsed all things by seeing his fb msg.. my fear is will he do this after our mrg?? Will i trust him?? Is he a good or bad selection for me?? Pls help me with ur advices.. will i ask these things to him.?? Will it spoil our relationship?? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 (edited) in the sexy climate we live in, prostitutes do not mean much, they are poor with no choice of jobs men have needs, which is your life now, do not make him regret confiding in you, let it go instead Edited December 25, 2016 by darkmoon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vinotha Posted December 25, 2016 Author Share Posted December 25, 2016 Shall i ask about this to him?? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 Shall i ask about this to him?? No, let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 men have needs, which is your life now, do not make him regret confiding in you, let it go instead He hasn't confided in her, she found out from his fb. He told her about his heavy drinking but failed to mention his prostitution habit. My advice, stay away. He inhabits an entirely different world from you and he will no doubt break your heart. Find a man without a drink and prostitute problem, he may have "changed" for you, but at the first sign of problems, he will likely revert to type. YOU can no longer trust him as he has leapt the "paying for sex" hurdle and prostitutes are available everywhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vinotha Posted December 25, 2016 Author Share Posted December 25, 2016 How can i marry another guy??.. i allowed my boyfriend to kiss me.. i want to be pure to my husband... i dnt want to cheat any body.. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 he used to drink.. for me he stopped all his bad habits. Uh, no... no one successfully gets clean and/or sober for anyone but themselves. Recovery does not work that way. I have been clean and sober for well over 20 years. I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. I may be clean and sober but I will always be an addict. I can assure you that anyone who thinks they can do it for somebody else will be right back doing it in fairly short order. See you put undue pressure on yourself with these expectations. Your parents want you to marry a government employee You think he cut his circle down for you, stopped playing cricket for you. Basically what your initial post shows that you are just hoping to get hitched to somebody who has a stable job so they can financially support maybe your whole family So rather than come to grips with the fact that the reason he is working so hard is because he wants better himself, you seize on some hooker issue as some sign of the sky is falling. never mind the fact you two have only been an item for the last 6 months by your own admission What you are going to do is chase him away from you and then you will have to inform your parents you must start the long search over for a government employee to take care of you. You put too much emphasis on what he is doing, probably before you even met from the sound of it, and not enough on making a life for yourself. Once you start equating having a partner who can do all these things for you with happiness, you have arrived at a place where you will never be happy, because you put undue and needless pressure on somebody to be everything you want them to be, and they will always fail in some aspect or another. Go be single and work on your own studies and work toward making yoruself happy. Don't expect others to do that for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 How can i marry another guy??.. i allowed my boyfriend to kiss me.. i want to be pure to my husband... i dnt want to cheat any body.. If you believe that kissing someone equates to a moral obligation, I don't see how you can deal with a bf who has had sex with a prostitute. You're on completely different playing fields. As for going through his phone--I personally find that to be an invasion of privacy & a violation of trust in a relationship. Finally, as others have said, to change himself or his lifestyle for you is not realistic and very likely, not permanent. If you don't like his habits or who is he, find someone else who meets your expectations. He isn't the guy for you (or your family). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 We are westerners and don't understand the extent of both your cultures. For the best advice...go ask your mother or your grandmother. They are wise, and know about life. Marriage is a big deal, you need to take care of yourself, and what is best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
CobraX Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 How can i marry another guy??.. i allowed my boyfriend to kiss me.. i want to be pure to my husband... i dnt want to cheat any body.. You are clearly from India. It's hard t advise you on this. I understand how you feel and I'm not sure I could digest this either. Wait until after exams and talk to him about it. That's what I would do. Then make a decision based on how he reacts and what he says. I don't think kissing ruins your purity, but that's in my culture not yours Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vinotha Posted December 26, 2016 Author Share Posted December 26, 2016 Thank u for all ur suggestions... i am going to wait for 1 week and i will ask him about this.. my fear is hw can i trust another guy... i think all boys are same... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vinotha Posted December 26, 2016 Author Share Posted December 26, 2016 Thank u for all ur suggestions... i am going to wait for 1 week and i will ask him about this.. my fear is hw can i trust another guy... i think all boys are same... You are right.. i am from india.. and i am a tamil girl... nw i am having only 2 option... one is marrying him by accepting all these things.. the next one is i will be live alone for my entire life... and do some services to orphanage... i am an M.E graduate with this i can do a good job and can do some good for others.. but i cant marry any body else.. Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted December 26, 2016 Share Posted December 26, 2016 Trust me, we're not all the same :-) just look at this board how we all disagree with each other. Also, there are many men who don't go to prostitutes, for better or worse. If it's a one off thing, I wouldn't be too worried. Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted December 26, 2016 Share Posted December 26, 2016 but i cant marry any body else.. Why not? I think this is what you need to be concerned about. Your first date may not be marriage material. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vinotha Posted December 26, 2016 Author Share Posted December 26, 2016 (edited) In our culture.. loving one person before marriage is an impure thing.. from my child hood i strictly followed this.. i spoke to boys only in my master of engineering for project purpose.. from my child hood its in my mind and in my blood.. i cant erase this.. when he proposed me i accept him bcoz i am in a confidence i will marry him definitely..i didnt think he is having a past like this.. he told lot of times..he was very bad in his past and he ashamed for that.. and now he is happy... during proposing i asked why you want to marry me..?? He replied coz you can only control me and can make my life better.. you are a wise girl.. you know how to control me and all these things.. but i didnt think he went to prostitute... Edited December 26, 2016 by Vinotha Link to post Share on other sites
umirano Posted December 26, 2016 Share Posted December 26, 2016 I don't know... I think the way both you think about relationships doesn't seem to be the healthiest. People shouldn't control each other in a relationship. And whether a guy has once been to a prostitute by itself isn't the most informative factoid. And I really advise against limiting yourself to only one date for the rest of your life. I understand that it has to do with your culture. But have you considered that your culture could be screwing you over, here? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LoveFiend Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Um how concerned you should be depends on what his motivations were for going to prostitutes to begin with. If he only saw them because he was lonely and wished he had a girlfriend, I wouldn't be too concerned with that. If he went to them because he had an out of control sex addiction, then that would be of great concern. I have been to strip clubs before when not in a relationship. I didn't go for any sex addiction or sexual needs, I only went because lonely and just paid girls to sit and talk with me at the clubs as a temporary way to cure the loneliness I was feeling. I never visited strip clubs when I was married before or in a relationship because I didn't feel lonely I had a girl and thus the need to go to a strip club was next to zero. If however he still goes to them while in a relationship then that could be a problem. Guys go for different reasons to strip clubs or more extreme avenues like escorts. I went to clubs mainly to cure my loneliness, not to satisfy any sexual desire. I would of preferred having a girlfriend/ wife at that time. Now that I am in a serious relationship and engaged my desire to go to any strip club is next to zero, I only went to them to because was lonely and wanted a long term relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 You don't have to blindly follow a set of outdated rules simply because that's what most people around you are doing. You have the ability to make an informed, rational decision. How you can consider its ok for him to have sex with prostitutes before marriage while you can't even kiss...does that make and logical sense to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 If it's your #1 goal in life to marry the first man you kiss, then it would make sense to check a man out thoroughly and completely get to know him before kissing him. If you break that supposed rule, I am sure you won't be the first young Tamil woman to kiss one man then marry another. I understand India will have double standards like many traditional cultures but the double standard of him getting to go all the way with prostitutes whereas you're irredeemably bound by a first kiss just doesn't make sense in 2017. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted January 23, 2017 Share Posted January 23, 2017 I would bring it up and request clean STD test at the very least. Link to post Share on other sites
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