She's dead sexually and she's not even 30.

[popz]

This must have been posted enough times already, but I need to vent. Warning. LONG!

 

I'm in my mid 30's, she, late 20's. And I'm only just starting to realise that I've been taken for a ride the past 9 years we've been married. How I wish it was sexually. Sadly not.

 

Raising three kids and being self employed are her reasons for us not doing it often. I have tolerated it and sucked it up because, well, I'm supposed to understand. And I do. But only to a certain extent.

 

I, on the other hand, consider myself having an over the top libido. I argue it's higher than normal simply because I don't get the opportunity to bring it down to normal levels. Regardless, I'm expected to suppress my horniness or beat it off.

 

But then she has an issue with my porn watching too, which if I have to be honest, is problematic. I in turn blame that on the lack of action I'm getting. She blames the lack of action also partly on the fact that what turns me on are porn myths that only exist in the minds of depraved individuals like myself, and she is not into so called hard core stuff and doesn't want to be treated like a porn star.

 

Fair enough. Let's tone it down a notch or two and do what you like, I suggest. We bought a whole range of sex toys more than 18 months ago. Some were used just once. Others, never. She's just not bloody interested. Even now, I am writing this at 3am while she is in lal la land snoring away, and I watch and listen to an eclectic mix of porn, jazz and political documentaries. I'm not even horny now. Just frustrated. And when I do start stroking, she complains about the bed shaking! Gosh.

 

Seriously, what am I expected to do? Divorce? NO. Have an affair? I have already but got caught and landed myself into a sticky mess. (That chapter is behind us though it seems she still doesn't realise the affair came about because the marriage was lacking in more ways than one...) Have one night stands or regular booty calls? YES!

 

So I met this girl online where my profile was very open about what I wanted. Sex without any baggage. Chemistry would be an added advantage. Went for dinner. Conversation flowed. Nothing intellectual. Just getting to know each other talk. Small talk even. Topic turned to sex (after all we both were after the same thing). Turns out even she said that being the man I should take charge and do what I want, as long as I talk it with her before. She likes the man to be in charge in bed. Completely opposite of my wife. And my wife won't even take charge in bed let alone allowing me to express my desires.

 

So looks like I've found my sexual soul mate. It is a tragedy that society expects just one person to fulfil the role of a soul mate.

 

Anyways, I somehow want to her read this so she opens her eyes to the gravity of the situation. The little sex we have is the probably even less exciting than how animals do it. I have even suggested that she gets herself checked. There is something wrong with her system. It is just not possible to be this young yet have very little sexual desire. I fear what will happen when she's in her late 30's and I in my 40's. Either it will reach a complete standstill OR she will become a MILF and discover herself sexually and have the time of her life while my libido will be ZERO.

 

I've had it and am willing to meet anyone who will fulfil my desires. Of course though this is not the reason I'm here. I just want to rant.

 

Thank you all!

[Aesc]

This must have been posted enough times already, but I need to vent. Warning. LONG!

 

I'm in my mid 30's, she, late 20's. And I'm only just starting to realise that I've been taken for a ride the past 9 years we've been married. How I wish it was sexually. Sadly not.

 

Raising three kids and being self employed are her reasons for us not doing it often. I have tolerated it and sucked it up because, well, I'm supposed to understand. And I do. But only to a certain extent.

 

I, on the other hand, consider myself having an over the top libido. I argue it's higher than normal simply because I don't get the opportunity to bring it down to normal levels. Regardless, I'm expected to suppress my horniness or beat it off.

 

But then she has an issue with my porn watching too, which if I have to be honest, is problematic. I in turn blame that on the lack of action I'm getting. She blames the lack of action also partly on the fact that what turns me on are porn myths that only exist in the minds of depraved individuals like myself, and she is not into so called hard core stuff and doesn't want to be treated like a porn star.

 

Fair enough. Let's tone it down a notch or two and do what you like, I suggest. We bought a whole range of sex toys more than 18 months ago. Some were used just once. Others, never. She's just not bloody interested. Even now, I am writing this at 3am while she is in lal la land snoring away, and I watch and listen to an eclectic mix of porn, jazz and political documentaries. I'm not even horny now. Just frustrated. And when I do start stroking, she complains about the bed shaking! Gosh.

 

Seriously, what am I expected to do? Divorce? NO. Have an affair? I have already but got caught and landed myself into a sticky mess. (That chapter is behind us though it seems she still doesn't realise the affair came about because the marriage was lacking in more ways than one...) Have one night stands or regular booty calls? YES!

 

So I met this girl online where my profile was very open about what I wanted. Sex without any baggage. Chemistry would be an added advantage. Went for dinner. Conversation flowed. Nothing intellectual. Just getting to know each other talk. Small talk even. Topic turned to sex (after all we both were after the same thing). Turns out even she said that being the man I should take charge and do what I want, as long as I talk it with her before. She likes the man to be in charge in bed. Completely opposite of my wife. And my wife won't even take charge in bed let alone allowing me to express my desires.

 

So looks like I've found my sexual soul mate. It is a tragedy that society expects just one person to fulfil the role of a soul mate.

 

Anyways, I somehow want to her read this so she opens her eyes to the gravity of the situation. The little sex we have is the probably even less exciting than how animals do it. I have even suggested that she gets herself checked. There is something wrong with her system. It is just not possible to be this young yet have very little sexual desire. I fear what will happen when she's in her late 30's and I in my 40's. Either it will reach a complete standstill OR she will become a MILF and discover herself sexually and have the time of her life while my libido will be ZERO.

 

I've had it and am willing to meet anyone who will fulfil my desires. Of course though this is not the reason I'm here. I just want to rant.

 

Thank you all!

Don't count on your Libido ever being zero, it doesn't happen unless you become increasing unhealthy. Your wife probably needs an adjustment of her hormones, not having them in balance really causes desire to drop. So, next time you stroke it to satisfaction because she isn't giving you any, make sure and let it loose all over her, then when she complains, positively tell her what you think about it etc.

Edited December 26, 2016 by Aesc

[basil67]

At her age, the likelihood of hormonal issues is very low. Her libido is more likely to be related to issues in the relationship.

 

If you want to fix this, I would highly recommend counselling. Or for her to read the book What Happened To My Libido by Dr Rosie King. And stop cheating.

 

Or continue cheating and start preparing for divorce.

[Mr. Lucky]

But then she has an issue with my porn watching too, which if I have to be honest, is problematic. I in turn blame that on the lack of action I'm getting. She blames the lack of action also partly on the fact that what turns me on are porn myths that only exist in the minds of depraved individuals like myself, and she is not into so called hard core stuff and doesn't want to be treated like a porn star.

 

So you have a problematic porn habit, treat the mother of your 3 young children with all the finesse of an adult film star and have been caught cheating?

 

You're right, I'm sure she's the problem...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Aesc]

At her age, the likelihood of hormonal issues is very low. Her libido is more likely to be related to issues in the relationship.

 

If you want to fix this, I would highly recommend counselling. Or for her to read the book What Happened To My Libido by Dr Rosie King. And stop cheating.

 

Or continue cheating and start preparing for divorce.

 

Hormones can be problematic at any age, especially if she used or uses hormonal birth control.

[Satu]

She isn't dead sexually, she just doesn't want to have sex with you.

 

I could not detect one drop of love for her in your post.

 

If that is reflection of the way you treat her, its understandable that she wouldn't want to have sex with you.

 

Sex isn't just about mechanics and genitalia.

 

There's a deeper dimension to it.

 

 

Take care.

[basil67]

Hormones can be problematic at any age, especially if she used or uses hormonal birth control.

 

But given his attitude and that she's a mother of three young ones....my bet will not be place on hormones.

[basil67]

At her age, the likelihood of hormonal issues is very low. Her libido is more likely to be related to issues in the relationship.

 

If you want to fix this, I would highly recommend counselling. Or for her to read the book What Happened To My Libido by Dr Rosie King. And stop cheating.

 

Or continue cheating and start preparing for divorce.

 

Correcting the book name.

 

It's actually "where did my libido go?"

[elaine567]

My guess is that there is nothing wrong with her libido or her hormones, she just doesn't want to have sex with you.

 

Cheating AND a porn habit AND treating her like a porn star AND masturbating in the bed next to her...

 

If you want a decent woman to have sex with you, you will have to clean up your act.

[Mz. Pixie]

I think you need to examine whether or not you're a sex addict.

 

Generally I'm all for the guy in a situation like this. But seriously. Read your post like an outsider.

 

She's not the problem. Divorce her so she can find someone who cares about her.

[spanz1]

it could literally be anything. Maybe she is taking drugs with side effects, maybe SHE is the cheater, maybe she fell out of love with you, maybe she only wanted kids and now that she has them you are of no other use than paying for her lazy lifestyle.

 

Or she could just be hurt that you cheated on her, and is having trouble forgiving you, especially if she knows you are still doing other women.

 

Couples counseling sounds lke the only avenue left now...this is not going to fix itself without some professional finding out what is really going on and fixing the broken parts.

[oldshirt]

WOW! There is so much wrong here, I'll try to keep it organized but I don't know if I'll be able to keep everything straight.

 

For starters her libido and hormonal status are likely fine. She is probably capable of being a tiger in bed and will soon be having wild monkey sex swinging from the chandeliers .... just not with Popz.

 

This is an attraction and relationship issue.

 

She is not attracted to popz any more because he has porn issue, beats off in front of her in bed, whines and carries on like whiney brat when he doesn't get porn-sex like he sees on youporn, has cheated on her in the past and is having an affair now.

 

The relationship is like milk that has turned sour and is now just a vile taste in everyone's mouth.

 

This is a train wreck just waiting to end in a fiery blaze of destruction, it's just a matter of when.

 

Women can not desire a man they do not respect and do not feel safe with. She does not respect him because he is a whiney boy that spanks to porn under the covers while she is in bed next to him.

 

And she does not feel safe with him because he is a cheater and treats her poorly.

 

This is a lost cause unless he can immediately get some therapy and turn himself around completely into someone that respects and honors her and treats her with the honor and dignity and faithfulness deserving of a wife and mother and even as a person he even likes.

 

I'm not sure this relationship can be turned around and saved, but maybe with some basic relationship and marital skills and knowledge, maybe his next relationship can be more healthy.

[imsosad]

I think her libido is fine, your behavior is a huge turn off.

My ex husband did some of the things you describe you are doing-watching porn regularly, masturbating in bed when she says no, complaining about lack of sex.

Notice he is my ex husband. He was a great guy, hard working, good father. BUT being insensetive and demanding in sex will land you a very reluctant wife.

I can not even begin to describe the extent of the damage porn did to our marriage. Mind you, we are not at all religous/observant, so that is not a factor. It filled his head with images and expectations. . I used to tell my husband, im too tired but come sit with me. Nope, porn was waiting. So after a while I didn't ask and after some more time passed I did not care. Sex was not for us anymore, he behaved like it was something he wasnt getting enough of and being sulky about it. Did that make me burn with desire? Nope. Made me feel like I was married to a 15 year old.

I know you are not my ex,but I really get the same vibe from you.

You know what can turn her back on?

Ditch porn. Tell her, I'm done with porn and mean it.

Back off initiating sex. Be kind. Loving. Compliment her. Dont expect sex in return.

Talk to her. Try to be less focused on your exploding libido.

If you want a passionate, sexual partner, you need to give her the space and time. You need to see it is as much about her as it is about you.

Right now it's all about filling your needs.

Try to think of sex as something you are meant to share.

If she's too tired, make her tea and give her a foot massage. Chance are, this will help revive attraction and passion more than all the accesories in your local sex shop.

You might also want to google sexual aversion. If you press her in to sex, you're making it an unpleasant chore for her. She may do it in order to placate you, and you might be happy momentarily, but it can create damage in the long run.

You write you're thinking of a divorce. Let me tell you, she might be thinking the exact same thing. See, at the end of the day, she is as unhappy sexually as you are.

Edited December 26, 2016 by imsosad

[benpom]

You write you're thinking of a divorce. Let me tell you, she might be thinking the exact same thing. See, at the end of the day, she is as unhappy sexually as you are.

 

To OP:

I think more than likely, in her mind you guys are already divorced. She is ignoring you and keeping the family together out of love for children.

 

I don't sense an ounce of love towards her in your words. If she is an attractive person who is capable of living independently, then I can assure you she has not filed divorce yet not because you are a catch, but because she is putting children ahead of herself.

 

To rate how bad the marriage is looking like from her perspective on a scale of 1 to 10, it is 100. It has gone far beyond tolerable range.

[anika99]

I agree with some of the other posters. Your wife doesn't have a medical issue. Her issue is that she is overwhelmed with raising 3 young children while also working and putting up with a self entitled selfish cheating husband who probably does little to help her or emotionally support her.

 

Her sex drive is going to get stronger in her thirties and by the time she is 40 she's going to be a sexual tigress who knows how to enjoy sex to its fullest. You will not be the recipient of her sexual desires because by that time she will be long done with you and will have found a man who deserves what she has to offer. You will be nothing but a memory and the only thing she will feel when she thinks of you is sadness over wasting her youth on you.

[stillafool]

Since you have found your soulmate when are you going to divorce so you can get all the sex you want?

[BaileyB]

Another vote here...

 

You have a porn habit, masturbate in front of her, have high expectations sexually, you've cheated and it seems, you want to cheat again...

 

Do you have any doubt why she doesn't want to have sex with you? In order to have respect and for someone to be attracted to you, you need to earn respect and treat that person well.

 

Best you leave her in search of someone more sexually compatable, if that is your priority. That way, she can at least have a chance to find someone who will love and respect her. Then, maybe you both have a better chance at happiness.

[Madame_Noire]

Yes, I do I think she needs to get herself 'checked' as you have eloquently put it, psychologically. You sound so cocky and arrogant. How can you have to audacity to shift and deflect the blame on her for you not getting your 'wifely duties' met?

 

Has it not entered your mind that she could be tired and exhausted for being a mother, especially to three little ones? I bet you do nothing to help her out in the home do you? You just want her to lay there every night waiting on you like some sort of love goddess, her dreamboat of a husband.

 

And how you describe the sex with your new soulmate is going to explosive and out of this world.. it is because it is illicit, clandestine and different to what you have at home.

 

Have you thought that your wife may not find you attractive because you do not seem to manifest manly qualities. Being a providing and attentive father and a loyal, faithful husband. Have you thought about that?

 

I do not condone cheating, but I pray to science that you are being safe because this chick you could have many have other sexual soulmates other than you. Just a thought.

[central]

She is not attracted to popz any more because he has porn issue, beats off in front of her in bed, whines and carries on like whiney brat when he doesn't get porn-sex like he sees on youporn, has cheated on her in the past and is having an affair now.

 

Unless his behaviors are a result of her lack of interest. I didn't read closely enough to see if there was a timeline of loss of libido. Of course, these behaviors are not going to help reverse the situation, but they may not have been the cause of her loss of libido.

 

Libido loss is usually due to relationship issues, or hormone issues, but there are also innately low sex drive people who care nothing for sex, or may only have responsive desire (and only at intervals).

[Aesc]

But given his attitude and that she's a mother of three young ones....my bet will not be place on hormones.

It would be interesting to hear her side of the story. I could imagine it being completely different than his. LOL

[oldshirt]

Unless his behaviors are a result of her lack of interest. I didn't read closely enough to see if there was a timeline of loss of libido. Of course, these behaviors are not going to help reverse the situation, but they may not have been the cause of her loss of libido.

 

Libido loss is usually due to relationship issues, or hormone issues, but there are also innately low sex drive people who care nothing for sex, or may only have responsive desire (and only at intervals).

 

My wife's libido has taken a big hit with menopause and we don't have wild, monkey sex anywhere near as much as back in the day.

 

I don't whine about it to her or put her down, spank in bed next to her, spend all my time on youporn and I don't cheat on her.

 

Those are all character issues which have lead to relationship issues, not the result of her low libido.

 

Yes there are deep underlying issues in their relationship and both of them will need to address them if they want to have a healthy and happy marriage, but even if someone's libido is not on par with what it should be, that does not give license to behave poorly.

[BettyDraper]

Really?

 

1. Stop cheating on your wife.
   
2. Stop masturbating while lying next to her.
   
3. Use the time that you spend masturbating and cheating to help with the kids.
   
4. Focus on your MARRIAGE.
   

[CobraX]

Really?

1. Stop cheating on your wife.
   
2. Stop masturbating while lying next to her.
   
3. Use the time that you spend masturbating and cheating to help with the kids.
   
4. Focus on your MARRIAGE.
   

 

Why? Why should he do any of that? The guy has been in a near sexless marriage for 9 years... didn't you read?!?!

 

Lack of sex is the cause of all these problems. You can't fix this relationship without addressing that first!

[BettyDraper]

Why? Why should he do any of that? The guy has been in a near sexless marriage for 9 years... didn't you read?!?!

 

Lack of sex is the cause of all these problems. You can't fix this relationship without addressing that first!

 

I did read the posts and I don't think that a sexless marriage is an excuse to treat a spouse disrespectfully.

 

In fact, cheating and porn addiction will often worsen a sexless marriage.

 

Women do not want to have sex with men who clearly do not respect us.

 

The OP needs to do the right thing and leave his wife if he can't stop being unfaithful.

Edited December 27, 2016 by BettyDraper

[basil67]

My wife's libido has taken a big hit with menopause and we don't have wild, monkey sex anywhere near as much as back in the day.

 

I don't whine about it to her or put her down, spank in bed next to her, spend all my time on youporn and I don't cheat on her.

 

Those are all character issues which have lead to relationship issues, not the result of her low libido.

 

Yes there are deep underlying issues in their relationship and both of them will need to address them if they want to have a healthy and happy marriage, but even if someone's libido is not on par with what it should be, that does not give license to behave poorly.

 

Same here. I was lamenting my lower libido last night and my dear hubby just said "it's a new phase for us"

 

That said, at least the cause for me and your wife is a known entity.