Hopeless Love

[Moon_s]

Would you rather love, knowing that you will definitely lose him someday, or stop yourself from feeling love, so you won't have to suffer the loss?

 

5 years ago, I broke up with my abusive boyfriend of 4 years. It was a nasty break-up. He dumped me. He left me traumatized and since then, I've been pushing away all possibilities of love, dating and marriage. I fell into depression and I start pushing myself to work more than what my body can take. After 5 years, I met a guy. Since I first know him, I know that he is in a long distance relationship with someone that I know. They've been together for 4 years but they've been away from each other for only one year.

 

What started as a friendship turns into dependency. We depend on each other a lot. When I fell sick, he would bring me medications and when he fell sick, I would bring him food. When I'm under stress, he would come with surprise. When he lost his caretaker since he was young to cancer, he cried to me and held me close for comfort. When I tried to mingle around in a party but end up being awkward, he would leave the crowd to join me at the corner. When I have to stay back and drown in the overwhelming workload, he would come with my favorite dinner. I stopped celebrating my birthday years ago but this year he is the only one who give me present. When his aunt passed away, he wanted me to come with him for a midnight drive while he cry. When he went back to his hometown, he invited me to come with him. When the days are tough, we would go out for a simple ice-cream and that's all it takes to brighten up the day.

 

After 7 months knowing him, I can't stop myself from falling for him. We ended up confessing to each other but it hurts so much because we both know that we can't be together. Not when he is already in a steady relationship. I could still remember he told me that the first time he saw me was 5 years ago, but I did not notice him at all. He fell in love at first sight and he sat close to me every time he saw me but I was totally focused on my work. After some time, his current girlfriend confessed to him, and he accepted her.

 

As time goes by, I start being jealous and I would end up crying so much each time I think about it. He told me that he would keep taking care of me as long as he could.

 

How do I let him go.... I don't want to. i love him so much, he made me feel again after being 'numb' for 5 years. I don't think I can ever recover if I lose him.

 

 

"Thank you for being late"

Edited December 26, 2016 by Moon_s

[BuddyX]

Availability trumps all. He confessed his feelings because you're around and available.

 

Imagine if you were his GF, how would you feel about your BF connecting with his coworker?

 

Run now, before you get crushed.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Moon, as hard as it is you need to face that if he preferred you to his girlfriend he would have broken up with her by now. He's not married to her and it would be simple to call off the relationship with her.

 

Sorry you're going through this but do yourself a favor and go no contact with this guy, the sooner the better, so that you can heal and find someone who is available for a real relationship with you.

 

It won't be easy but it will be worth it. Many others have found themselves in similar situations and solved them by going no contact.

[jennifernyc84]

I was with MM for 4 years but have known and been in love with him for over 20 years. The love I feel for him is immeasurable and even though it pains me to know I'll never be with him, I'm not sure I'd trade that love for anything. It's a beautiful thing to know you can love someone to that extent. I think love is beautiful even though it could be painful sometimes.

 

Sometimes we have to tell our selves that we may love someone, even though they don't and never will belong to us. I think accepting that is when the healing can begin.

 

I still love my MM more than I ever have. My heart is shattered to pieces right now but the love I feel for him is still beautiful to me.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. But that's how I feel.

 

I hope you feel better. I know how it feels and it sucks

[LexiCat29]

Are you sure there actually is a girlfriend? Perhaps he's just trying to avoid being in a serious relationship with you.

 

Not trying to be mean but there would be absolutely no reason for him to stay with his girlfriend if he wanted to be with you. They're not legally bound in any way, they don't have kids..if he wanted to be with you it would be easy.

 

Time to let go.

[aileD]

but it hurts so much because we both know that we can't be together. Not when he is already in a steady relationship

Give me a break. Do you hear yourself? You are lying to yourself!

 

Yes you CAN be together. He can CHOOSE to break up with his steady relationship and date you--the one he "fell in love at first sight " with

 

People break up all the time. Be honest with yourself. You know he can break up with his GIRLFRIEND if he wants to, he is not being held hostage.

 

He doesn't WANT to though. Because he can have her and you at the same time because you're allowing it because he talks a bunch of sweet romantic words to you.

 

What's wrong with you inside where you throw common sense and obvious-ness aside so easily because some dude who's not even married sweet talked you and made you Believe he can't break up with his girlfriend?

 

Sorry this is a slap in the face post, but listen to yourself! He can be with you he just has to break up with his girlfriend and he won't .

 

That's not love, honey. You know it too. But the attention feels good, doesn't it?

 

Please seek therapy for you. You deserve better than this.

[watch210]

Please, Please, Please, do yourself a favor. Leave him alone. If he breaks up with his girlfriend maybe consider a relationship. I know it's hard but this is abusive to you also. You deserve much better. Take it from me, if you continue down this path you will regret it years later and hate yourself for wasting your time and life on him.

[Moon_s]

Day 1 of trying to let him go. It hurts. So much. I want to die

[jenkins95]

Day 1 of trying to let him go. It hurts. So much. I want to die

 

(((Moon_s)))

 

We are with you girl. You know what you have to do - stay strong and you can do it.

 

This is the VERY worse you will feel. You are at rock bottom; there is only one way from here. You will start to get better - imperceptibly at first, but after a while (probably around 3 months), you will actually recognise that you have moved to a slightly better place. By next Christmas, you can be almost the old you again if you do this right. Just as it is part of the human condition to be able to experience immense hurt, it is just as much a part of us to be able to recover. Millions have been where you are right now. Almost all recovered - you will too.

 

It's worth the investment to break these awful bonds which tie you now.

 

Gently does it - we're holding your hand.

 

Keep posting

Edited December 29, 2016 by jenkins95

[spiderowl]

He's getting all the emotional involvement from you that he would get from a girlfriend. He has been extremely lucky. It's not right though because that kind of emotional involvement usually happens in a serious relationship. If he is not offering you a serious, romantic relationship, then you need to opt out. He needs to miss you - a lot. I am so sorry it hurts but you must put yourself and your feelings first now.

 

He will come looking for you unless you tell him to leave you alone. You could tell him that you feel there is too much emotional intimacy in this relationship for it to be just a friendship. You are opting out because the lines are too blurred and a proper relationship is not possible with him. Then leave him to think about that. Do not be drawn back into anything less than a committed, serious relationship where he has let the other girl go. Stay no-contact, for you own sake. It hurts less in the long run if you are not constantly in touch.

Edited January 2, 2017 by spiderowl

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

How do I let him go.... I don't want to. i love him so much, he made me feel again after being 'numb' for 5 years. I don't think I can ever recover if I lose him.

"

 

I can't tell if you are in a A with the guy or just like him. Either way, to answer your question in your title, timing is everything but if a guy really likes you, he will wait a while to see you again or do everything in his power to find you. So you really don't have to do anything. No one is going to wait around for years but if something is meant to be, it will.

 

So all you can do is go live your life. If he wants you, he will find you. You don't have to "do" anything. There is nothing to let go of, he is not yours.

[Moon_s]

(((Moon_s)))

 

We are with you girl. You know what you have to do - stay strong and you can do it.

 

This is the VERY worse you will feel. You are at rock bottom; there is only one way from here. You will start to get better - imperceptibly at first, but after a while (probably around 3 months), you will actually recognise that you have moved to a slightly better place. By next Christmas, you can be almost the old you again if you do this right. Just as it is part of the human condition to be able to experience immense hurt, it is just as much a part of us to be able to recover. Millions have been where you are right now. Almost all recovered - you will too.

 

It's worth the investment to break these awful bonds which tie you now.

 

Gently does it - we're holding your hand.

 

Keep posting

Hey.... I fell into the pit again. We got back together and the feelings grew even stronger. Eventually his girl found out and ask me to leave. And... He didnt fight for me. I guess i just get dumped. How do i rise from here... I am at my lowest.

[Moon_s]

I can't tell if you are in a A with the guy or just like him. Either way, to answer your question in your title, timing is everything but if a guy really likes you, he will wait a while to see you again or do everything in his power to find you. So you really don't have to do anything. No one is going to wait around for years but if something is meant to be, it will.

 

So all you can do is go live your life. If he wants you, he will find you. You don't have to "do" anything. There is nothing to let go of, he is not yours.

You are right. You can't lose what you never had. You can't take what's not yours. And you can't keep what doesn't want to stay

[Moon_s]

He's getting all the emotional involvement from you that he would get from a girlfriend. He has been extremely lucky. It's not right though because that kind of emotional involvement usually happens in a serious relationship. If he is not offering you a serious, romantic relationship, then you need to opt out. He needs to miss you - a lot. I am so sorry it hurts but you must put yourself and your feelings first now.

 

He will come looking for you unless you tell him to leave you alone. You could tell him that you feel there is too much emotional intimacy in this relationship for it to be just a friendship. You are opting out because the lines are too blurred and a proper relationship is not possible with him. Then leave him to think about that. Do not be drawn back into anything less than a committed, serious relationship where he has let the other girl go. Stay no-contact, for you own sake. It hurts less in the long run if you are not constantly in touch.

I am already hurting soooo much. It is 3 a.m in my country and I haven't been able to sleep well for the past few weeks. I am devastated. Yet I don't have anyone by my side... Who would want to side with the third party in someone else's relationship. I am alone

[Moon_s]

I am hurting so much right now. I ran out of tears. I am just staring at my room blankly. My chest hurts. Literally. Taking in breath feels so heavy. I am sorry for telling all these here... I don't have anyone else ....

[BluesPower]

This is a good place to vent...

 

We will listen. Lots of us are going through some of the same things.

 

Heartbreak sucks. You got to just keep going, it gets better...

[Moon_s]

This is a good place to vent...

 

We will listen. Lots of us are going through some of the same things.

 

Heartbreak sucks. You got to just keep going, it gets better...

Just few months ago i was there comforting him when they broke up. Little did i know they are back together. And tonight i was humiliated right in front of him. Yet he didnt even say a thing... I want to run away far far away from here

[Moon_s]

I end up apologizing..... It hurts so much knowing that i am actually fighting on my own.... Pathetic

[ClassyTaste]

I believe you are dealing with a different bird than the poster board OM/MM. He seems like a user of everyone. He uses friendships, girlfriends, and other girlfriends. Some men drift through life using people for their immediate situational needs. I knew of a man who would marry, use up all the funds, abandon, marry again to another wealthy woman, abandon and so on.

 

You may be lucky in this case. Your sorrow may turn to anger. The anger turning into the most beautiful gift in these situations: Indifference.

 

You sound very down. Do you have anyone around you to personally look in on you?

[Moon_s]

I don't. I had always been a loner. So does him. That is how we start knowing each other.

[ClassyTaste]

Let this empower you rather then bring you down to dismal levels. You do need to grieve, but take care of 1#, yourself.

[Moon_s]

Let this empower you rather then bring you down to dismal levels. You do need to grieve, but take care of 1#, yourself.

It hurts. So much. I am sorry. I'm really sorry

[ConInLA]

Moon,

We have all been there. You have to be honest with yourself. Stop romanticizing this situation and think with your rational mind. If the guy you were seeing really wanted to be with you, he would have left his girlfriend. I heard no mention of kids or marriage. He has no major ties to her. Sometimes, it sucks realizing that you fell for words and not actions. Take note because this is the main game cake-eating womanizers like him play. They use "romance" and their words to lure you in. Take this as a lesson learned and never fall for this again. If his words and actions don't align, get out.

 

You should be thanking the LORD above that you seem to have been given an out from this situation. Come back to reality! Think of it this way: You could be his girlfriend! Believe me, she didn't "win" anything and deep down she knows it. She should be running for the hills as well. You should block him everywhere so that he can never contact you again. That's how you get your power back. If you don't take this crucial step, believe me, they ALWAYS come back. They're gratification seekers and as soon as his girlfriend leaves again, he will turn to you. Don't settle for his breadcrumbs. You deserve so much more than that. He just showed you the caliber of man that he is. Believe him the first time. We all make mistakes, dont beat yourself up and don't cry over spilled milk. Pick yourself up and move on. If you need it, Im a big fan of counseling.

[ItStartsFromWithin]

You just have to take it literally day by day minute by minute. Try to keep busy. Go out with family and friends. If you don't have friends join a meet up or an activity group (swimming, cooking, heck even rock climbing). Get out in nature and see the beautiful world we live in.

 

Will any of this take away all of your pain? Absolutely not. But it will make it more bearable by keeping your mind occupied. Its better than sitting at home, alone, with just your thoughts of MM.

 

Do you want to talk about what happened? How did the girlfriend find out? What did he say to you when he broke things off from you? Did the girlfriend contact you?

Be well & stay strong.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Aw Moon, it hurts like h*ll but it does get better.

 

Maybe after suffering for years from the hands of an abuser, you latched on to the first male to show you some kindness and compassion. If that seems at all possible, look into some counselling hon. That stuff takes a toll on your self esteem and mental health for sure.

 

Take care.