Something isn't right between Husband and Daughter

[Jhod]

I've been with my husband 10 years. I have a daughter that is 14 from a previous relationship. Her biological dad is not in the picture. A few years ago my husbands father was caught inappropriately touching my daughter and we filed a police report. No charges were ever brought up and we haven't seen him since that day. I'm not sure why the police decided not to purse this, but as of now, this man is free.

My husband has always been an unhappy person. Always angry, yelling, and mad at everyone. Especially the kids. We have two sons as well (2yrs and 4yrs)

I hate the way my daughter and husband fight. He yells and tells her to leave. So I began trying to have hem spend "quality" time together and go on little outings. Now they seem to get along better than he and I do. Hes is really affectionate and always asks her to go places with him. But then there's the other side of it and they seem like they hate each other.

I've noticed that he looks at her, makes inappropriate jokes, comments on her body. Etc. my daughter even told me that he sometimes hugs her and won't let go and it creeps her out. She says it's creepy because of what his dad did, but she doesn't think my husband would ever do that. I confronted him about all of the above and he apologized and said he would stop the physical attention. Hugging, play fighting, he even sits on her so she can't get up. I thought that would be it. Until I caught them in the living room one day and he was rubbing her back. She asked him for a back rub and he did it. Even after I asked him not to touch her and explained to them both that it needs to stop. I was enraged and started yelling at them both. My daughter flipped out and screamed at me that I was being ridiculous and my husband said nothing and just apologized. Am I out of my mind here?? They're making me feel crazy! One moment they re fighting like cats be dogs, the next moment they are so affectionate that it makes me angry.

My husband and I don't really have sex anymore. We never really did. Once a week was too much for him and now it's been 2 years and we've had sex 3 times. He's not affectionate with me at all and seems mad at me most of the time. But yet gets angry with me when I dont want to go on a date with him. I still try often to initiate sex, to no avail and I just assume it's due to the weight I've gained since baby 2. But if I'm honest we weren't having sex when I was thin either.

I guess I just don't know what to do. My marriage sucks. And I'm jealous of my husbands affection toward my daughter when they aren't screaming at each other. I also can't deny the crude jokes and comments, how he looks at her sometimes and the fact that he's clearly not interested in me.

My only hang up that makes me feel crazy in the head is that they both tell me that nothing like that ever or would ever happen. And I've asked my daughter to stop walking around in her robe or other revealing clothing and she doesn't listen at all. What the hell is going on here?

[anika99]

I'm going to say that first of all, none of this is your daughter's fault and the first thing you need to do is stop blaming her or yelling at her about this.

 

She is only 14 yrs old and while she may already have a womanly body she still has the mind and spirit of a child. She longs for attention and approval from her dad and she will bask in whatever attention he gives her, even is that attention is inappropriate. She is innocent and you are trying to make her feel guilty and ashamed of herself for doing something as innocent as walking around her home in her robe. Why should she feel dirty or responsible for her father's dirty old man behavior? She loves her dad and simply wants his attention.

 

Your husband is the one who you need to be focusing on. I don't if he is molesting her but he certainly is crossing boundaries. It sounds like he has turned in to his surrogate wife. The joking, the touching, private times and acting like he is in a partnership with your daughter while you are on the outside is very sick and twisted. You need to absolutely insist that it stop immediately and then you both get yourselves into counseling. Possibly both marital and individual counseling.

 

It's your husband's responsibility to foster a loving, safe and healthy relationship between he and his daughter. That is not what he is doing, he is crossing all kinds of boundaries with her and their relationship is sick. Again, this is not your daughter's doing. She wants her father's love and attention and at her age she simply doesn't understand boundaries. Her father should be demonstrating healthy boundaries but instead he is breaking boundaries. None of this is her fault but when she is a messed up young adult woman who can't have a normal healthy relationship with a man that will be her father's fault and partially your fault too if you do nothing to put a stop to this.

 

Focus on your husband's sicko behaviour, not your daughter's, there is nothing wrong with her....yet.

Edited December 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Madame_Noire]

I have noticed alot of mums feel jealous and inferior to their daughters especially when they are adolescent. Could be because they are a younger version of their mother.

 

I think the true deep-seated issue here is the lack of sex and intimacy between you and your husband, hence what I mentioned above.

 

I am hoping your husband is nothing like his own father, I am giving your husband the benefit of the doubt that he is not emulating his father's nefarious behaviours towards your daughter. But you know what they say about female intuition.... However, I am very skeptical by nature.

[BaileyB]

Based on the information that you have described, your husband sounds awful. There is no way that I would tolerate an unhappy husband who is always yelling at the kids. It sounds miserable and unhealthy for all involved.

 

And, given your past history with your husband's father and your concern that your husband may want an inappropriate relationship with your daughter... If she was my child, he would not come within 10 miles of her. Come on! He is her step-father, he has the opportunity and there is a family history. You are actually encouraging them to spend time together! That is a high risk situation and you know it! Are you seriously putting your children in a high risk situation and then complaining that you are jealous about the affection he shows her? That's crazy!

 

If anything in appropriate does happen, you will be complacent in child abuse because you have seen the warning signs... Protect your children, whatever the cost.

Edited December 26, 2016 by BaileyB

[Jhod]

Just a lot on my mind today and needed to get this off my chest. I didn't mean to make it sound like I blame my daughter or make her feel dirty at all. I just can't keep up with the charade. I sat with both of them and discussed everything that happened and is happening and ways to improve the situation or at least make sure no one ever feels uncomfortable with any "sketchy" behavior. That being said. We have 2 boys and a step dad in the house. Clothes are not an option for anyone. It is a rule. And we feel a very good rule. But she just doesn't seem to want to obey in that aspect. I'm angered by the fact that she tells me she feels "weird" at times, but then doesn't listen to the house rule I've put in place as a fail safe?? Idk, maybe she is too young to fully understand.

I didn't have a steady father growing up either so I have no idea if this is normal goofing around or just plain creepy.

Thanks for the advice tho.

Edited December 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anika99]

Okay forget everything I just said. I just realized that your husband is not your daughter's biological father and furthermore it was your husband's father who molested your daughter. Since your father-in-law is a child molester there is a good chance that your husband has been taught inappropriate sexual behavior from a young age. Even if he himself was never molested he was still exposed to unhealthy sexual attitudes and deviant behaviour.

 

You are taking a huge risk with your daughter here. Your husband says nothing when you confront him because he knows his feelings and intentions are deviant and indefensible.

 

My step father became sexually attracted to me when I was about 15. He never acted on it but I felt it. I could see it in his eyes sometimes and in certain things he said. I had always hated him though and te thought of him lusting after me was sickening. Turns out that he was sickened by it too because when I grew up and after my mom divorced him she told me that at some point he had a conversation with her admitting that he felt aroused by me sometimes and he told her that she should have a talk with me regarding my behavior! What behavior was that? I wore shorts in the summer and I walked around the house in my night gown. My step father was a religious fanatic who believed women were evil temptresses and it was their responsibility too make men behave by always being modest and chaste. I was no slutty teen, I was painfully shy and insecure. Thankfully my mother never did have that conversation with me. My mom made a lot of mistakes but to her credit, one thing she never ever did, was shame me or make me feel dirty.

 

I think you daughter is great danger of being sexually abused, she is already being emotionally abused by your husband and now by you. Your husband needs to remove himself from your household and you need to make your top priority be protecting your daughter. Your husband's father is child molester and now your husband is exhibiting traits of a child molester. wake up and smell the coffee lady. Get him out of your house.

[BaileyB]

If you daughter has already been molested by her step-grandfather, it is not uncommon for kids with a history of sexual abuse to act out inappropriately. They have no sense of what is appropriate or not appropriate. They can also be over sexualized and use these kinds of behavior to seek attention and approval.

 

Trust your gut, if it doesn't feel right then it's not right. And definitely, don't take any chances with your kids... You see the risks, don't minimize or deny that there is a high risk of abuse in your home.

 

If it was my home, he would be out (based on his own poor behavior) and I would sleep well knowing my kids are safe and not at risk!

[anika99]

also while I don't think family members should be parading around the house nude, it's also pretty odd to live in a house where you are taught that's it's wrong to even be seen in your robe. Like that's shameful or something. Ugh...I guess nobody in your family goes to the beach or swimming in a pool. I mean that would be impossible since you all can't handle seeing each other even partially uncovered.

Edited December 26, 2016 by anika99

[Mr. Lucky]

My husband has always been an unhappy person. Always angry, yelling, and mad at everyone. Especially the kids. We have two sons as well (2yrs and 4yrs)...My husband and I don't really have sex anymore. We never really did. Once a week was too much for him and now it's been 2 years and we've had sex 3 times. He's not affectionate with me at all and seems mad at me most of the time. But yet gets angry with me when I dont want to go on a date with him. I still try often to initiate sex, to no avail and I just assume it's due to the weight I've gained since baby 2. But if I'm honest we weren't having sex when I was thin either.

 

The good news is the fix for both issues is the same. Either situation is enough to end your marriage, together they seem like a pretty clear indicator this isn't a healthy situation for any of you. You should address this ASAP.

 

How do you marry someone you "never really did" have sex with ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[AmandaDiane]

This is not good at all! You need to confront your husband about his behavior with your kids, specially your 14-year-old daughter! If she tells you he creeps her out, something is definitely wrong! Please go find some professional help on this. Keep your kids safe!

 

You don't have a good marriage. So go ahead and do something about it! So sad to hear stories like this one! Good luck out there! All the best!

[GunslingerRoland]

On the one hand I think you should trust your intuition... but on the other it feels like you are projecting what your husband's father did onto him. If you really feel like your husband is capable of molesting your daughter then he should not be in the house with her... but that is a big accusation. Your daughter similarly being creeped out by a simple hug probably has some underlying trauma from what has happened to her previously.

 

If you really don't believe your daughter can walk around in a robe in her house because the man that's raised her since she was a preschooler may ogle her then he needs to be gone though... but again, you need to be really sure you are doing this based on his actions and not his father's.

[Mz. Pixie]

Assuming you are a real poster, I'm going to say that first of all, none of this is your daughter's fault and the first thing you need to do is stop blaming her or yelling at her about this.

 

She is only 14 yrs old and while she may already have a womanly body she still has the mind and spirit of a child. She longs for attention and approval from her dad and she will bask in whatever attention he gives her, even is that attention is inappropriate. She is innocent and you are trying to make her feel guilty and ashamed of herself for doing something as innocent as walking around her home in her robe. Why should she feel dirty or responsible for her father's dirty old man behavior? She loves her dad and simply wants his attention.

 

Your husband is the one who you need to be focusing on. I don't if he is molesting her but he certainly is crossing boundaries. It sounds like he has turned in to his surrogate wife. The joking, the touching, private times and acting like he is in a partnership with your daughter while you are on the outside is very sick and twisted. You need to absolutely insist that it stop immediately and then you both get yourselves into counseling. Possibly both marital and individual counseling.

 

It's your husband's responsibility to foster a loving, safe and healthy relationship between he and his daughter. That is not what he is doing, he is crossing all kinds of boundaries with her and their relationship is sick. Again, this is not your daughter's doing. She wants her father's love and attention and at her age she simply doesn't understand boundaries. Her father should be demonstrating healthy boundaries but instead he is breaking boundaries. None of this is her fault but when she is a messed up young adult woman who can't have a normal healthy relationship with a man that will be her father's fault and partially your fault too if you do nothing to put a stop to this.

 

Focus on your husband's sicko behaviour, not your daughter's, there is nothing wrong with her....yet.

 

This is great advice. And you should not be including her in adult conversations with him.

 

My stepfather sexually molested me. There was incest in his family.

 

Your daughter has already been molested once. It's your job to prevent it. Not your pervert husbands. She's looking to you to protect her. And you're not.

 

Don't make this about you. This is about her. This relationship needs to end.

 

Find the first safe place to go with her and whatever kids you have and go. Go straight there. File for divorce and protect your kid. This is a lifetime sentence. She's already suffered once. Don't let anything else happen.

 

Honestly I can't believe we are even having to say this.

[Clockwork]

14................hmmmm. Alright, I am pretty sure the daughter is off the hook here. Maybe she has the shape of a woman's body by now, but mentally she isn't there. Especially being someone who lost her biological father. Honestly, that can mess a girl up and she doesn't know what's right. So I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

 

Your husband, he seems to obey you when you tell him to stop something that makes you feel uncomfortable. So that's a good sign. That being said, I do know a couple where there was a similar situation. They didn't have sex (much, if at all) and the husband started to pursue his daughter's friends. He was caught and it was inappropriate and he was actually put in jail although it was just on weekends (I am guessing the judge would allow him to work during the week for his family and fill in the sentence on the weekends).

 

 

So I do know people with a similar situation like that. His complaint was that his wife didn't give him any affection.

 

 

Considering your daughter isn't his, he may or may not have mixed feelings about her. I don't know, I am speculating of course. Just guessing based on your comments. Maybe there is an attraction there and since he isn't getting anything from you he is fighting the urge to do this with your daughter. I really don't know, but it wouldn't be the first time.

[Jersey born raised]

I would approach the school explaining your concerns about her behavior and what happened with the step Grand father first and ask for help with possible repercussions from that situation first.

 

In many cases victims of CSA overtime will turn healthy or ok relationships with a perceived authority figure into a toxic mess as the the current authority figure, parent, teacher, etc morphs into the abuser. There have been a number of husbands of CSA victims destroyed by that dynamic.

[aileD]

Dump the husband.

 

Get your daughter into intensive therapy.

 

I don't feel good about this one and I have a lot of experience with childhood sexual abuse.

 

Also someone stated that your daughter can be acting out because of her abuse by the father in law and I agree with that . That is why you see her in two different extremes. One is a normal teen screaming at her parents and the other is a confused girl thinking she has to use her sexuality to get love.

 

And your husband? his behavior is too risky. I dont know about the nature vs nurture argument when it comes to sexual abuse but either way your husband has the genes and grew up in that environment. That in itself is nothing to be worried about. But your H isn't respecting boundaries. And that's a problem

 

How close is he to his dad? I wonder what that monster said to his son about your daughter.

 

Not worth it. Listen. The way you described your marriage--it sucks anyway. So put your kid first and get away from this toxic family

 

I wish you well

[RecentChange]

So let me get this straight.

 

YOU brought this man into your daughter's life and home.

 

She was molested by the father of the man you brought into her life and home.

 

She is screamed at, and told to leave by the man you brought into her life and home.

 

She is forced to be around a man who is miserable, negative and yells - in her home, the one place that should be a sanctuary.

 

And YOU seem to have very little affection for this man you had brought into you and your daughter's lives, and your marriage is so terrible that you never have sex, and are worried that the son of a molester, a monster who victimized your daughter may be in appropriate towards her.

 

She didn't ask for any of this. Have you thought about how bringing this man into her life has affected her?

 

Did she ever get counseling after being molested? Was there family counseling so you all knew how to handle the situation?

 

If your marriage is that terrible, why did you continue to have children with this man, and why are you still married?

 

Is this the example of a relationship you want to expose your daughter to? Do you want her to think a home full of conflict is normal?

 

I feel very very sorry for your daughter.

[standtall]

OP...you guys need some family therapy, but i don't see a smoking gun here. Be as objective as you can about inferring any kind of sexual contact between the two. Be careful about the advice here...a lot of posters love to start a fire just to watch it burn.

[anika99]

OP...you guys need some family therapy, but i don't see a smoking gun here. Be as objective as you can about inferring any kind of sexual contact between the two. Be careful about the advice here...a lot of posters love to start a fire just to watch it burn.

 

Umm.....the OP herself is the one who said she became enraged and started yelling at them. We didn't start the fire, she did. We are assuming that the OP is a sane person who was reacting to serious inappropriate behaviour she is witnessing. We're assuming that she wouldn't be flipping out and writing about this situation on a message board if she didn't have a valid reason for concern.

 

She also said her husband is mean and miserable and yells at the kids and doesn't want to have sex with her anymore. So their were already big problems afloat even before the husband started acting weird with the OPs daughter. The OP said her husband was miserable with everyone including their small sons then she says his behaviour changed towards the girl, his teenaged step daughter. She doesn't say my husband changed his miserable ways and now he's affectionate and loving towards all the kids and me too, his wife. Nope. Only the teenage stepdaughter is getting his affection and attention. Let's not forget that his own father has already molested the same girl. That's a smoking gun if there ever was one.

 

If there is one thing history has taught us over and over again it's that when kids are being sexually abused they rarely tell. Either they are scared of the abuser or they feel guilt and shame and they are afraid of being blamed. In this situation the OP has already partially blamed her daughter. People have to err on the side of caution when it comes to abuse because the victims don't tell and if we wait until we see the abuse with our own eyes that probably won't happen either and meanwhile the kids life is being destroyed.

 

Nobody is telling the OP to go all hysterical and try to have her husband charged and locked up for being a rapist. We're saying he needs to be separated from the family until his issues are addressed because even before the weird romantic behaviour towards the daughter he was miserable towards the kids and refusing to engage with his wife.

[BaileyB]

I hope OP is still around and has considered some of the advice offered. Anika is correct - big problems in the marriage and risk to the kids if this man stays in the home. I hope you see that OP and you are taking steps to keep your kids safe.

[Robert]

Closed as the thread starter didn't come back, if they want the thread re-opened alert on my post and we will do so, thanks