hen Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Hi, I am a 32 year old male. I have been in a relationship for 8 years and married for just over a year. Two weeks ago my wife left me. At the time she said it was because she was feeling trapped and felt we were drifting apart and we never seemed to do anything together anymore. I tried to persuade her not to and any problems we had we could work out. However she was insistent she needed some space and left saying she going to stay at a friends for a while. I took me completely by surprise and I was completely devastated. Over a week later I found out that she has been seeing someone else. I contacted her and confronted her about it and she admitted that she has been seeing this guy for the last four months but they never actually did anything until she left me but since then they have been having sex. At this point I tell her our marriage and our relationship is over and walk away. But now she has got in contact with me saying she has made a terrible mistake and that she still loves me and has always loved me, that this guy doesn't mean anything to her but he was so persistent and romantic and made her feel attractive. She says she has broken off all contact with him and she wants to try and make things right again with me. She knows that we had a few problems but instead of facing them she ran away. It was the biggest mistake of her life and she is so sorry for hurting me. So basically I don' know what to do. I still love her but I feel so hurt and betrayed and jealous. All these thoughts of them together keep rushing through my head and make me feel sick. It feels like my whole life has fallen apart. Part of me wants her back but I can't just forgot about this. I feel so confused and angry that she has done this. I do try to remain positive. Saying to myself this isn't my fault. Thinking that it is better this happened now rather than 5 or 10 years down the line and at least there are no kids. In my mind I know I will be ok in the long term but it doesn't feel like that now. I feel like such an idiot for not noticing that things had got this bad. If I done something early I could have stopped it but now it feels like it is too late...
westernxer Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 She's sorry because you found out the truth, that's what I think. You need time apart to think about whether or not this is worth it. Whatever you do, don't take her back so easily, because you may end up resenting her and wanting payback, which is not a healthy resolution, to say the least. Counseling should be considered if you want to rebuild your marriage... that way both of you can figure out what the hell went wrong, aside from her cheating, which is a whole different issue altogether.
alphamale Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer She's sorry because you found out the truth, that's what I think. You need time apart to think about whether or not this is worth it. Whatever you do, don't take her back so easily, because you may end up resenting her and wanting payback, which is not a healthy resolution, to say the least. I agree....tell her you want a seperation for 3 to 6 months at then end of which YOU will decide if you want her back on not. During this seperation keep contact with her at an extreme minimum and also tell her you reserved the right to see other women. Tell her you are not sure if you love her anymore and that you need to date other women to see if you still have feelings for her. Make her sweat and pay to have you back. Make her squirm and make her uncomfortable. Lie if you have to. If you make it too easier for her to return then she will do this again. You also need to test her love for you to see if she is genuine about coming back and making th marriage work. good luck alpha
Author hen Posted July 17, 2005 Author Posted July 17, 2005 Thanks for the advice. I think you are both right - I need some time and space and more time to work out how I feel and whether I want her back, how we could do it is another thing all together. I do want to get some payback but then what would that actually achieve? The whole thing will just be in more of a mess. I thinks she genuinely regrets the whole thing and not just because I found out. It is all so f*cked up.
whichwayisup Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Yup, she may have found out that having her cake and eating it too was great...BUT, now, being with just the cake isn't like it was before. The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence. She knows that now. She's lost the 'securty' of a marriage, a home, a life, friends, family, neighbours, money, and being safe to now being off with some guy who she really isn't inlove with but attracted to. I suggest and agree with Alpha, separate for a while until YOU decide what you want. Do you love her enough to work through the problems? Head to marriage counsilling together? Find out WHY she cheated on you? I'm not saying you did anything wrong but she may not be getting something from you that she got from him. (Not talking about sex too) It could be that new and crush like feeling and she got addicted to that intense feeling like a high off a drug. Take her back ONLY if he is out of her life completely, NO contact and she shows remorse and will everything possible to make it up to you. That consists of being a complete open book to you - email passwords, cell phone records, instant messages, ALL of it. If you are comfortable enough, seek some one on one therapy for yourself. Take care and keep posting.
Naive Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 Can you go back with someone who has deceived you like that? How about if she cheats on you again? Would you be able to have a normal relationship again without having any bad thoughts in the back of your head? You really need to think real well whether you can forgive and FORGET, if not it's better that you find someone who truly values you as a person first of all and that values the relationship that you hold with her.
soccorsilly Posted July 17, 2005 Posted July 17, 2005 I had a similar situation (only it was 10 yrs and 3 kids) and we ended up divorcing. Do not take he back right now. You are vulnerable. I might even suggest that the fact that she left you has led this other guy to break it off with her. Think about it, while she is married, she is not going to be a huge burden on this guy. Do not believe that she has been seeing him for 4 months and not having sex. Now all of a sudden she is available for him all the time. He was proabably dating several women at the time. From a physical POV, go get a full workup of tests on yourself to make sure you do not have any STDs. Down the road, you need to ask yourself if you can honestly EVER forgive and forget this episode? My instinct is that you may be able to push it back, but it will always be there and ready to spring at any time when you ae feeling vulnerable in the future. I thought I could have, and probably would have tried at one point, but in hindsight, I realize that that betrayal was a HUGE breach of trust and realistically it would never be able to have been repaired. 8 yrs is a long time, but if you married only 2 yrs ago, it must have been pretty good then. You need to realize that she was only giving it her all for 18 months of your marriage. You are still young--I divorcexd at 39 and I can tell you that after some tough times -- and yes they will suck, there will be tears, anger, the whole deal, it does get better. I have never been more happy in my life than I have been the past 4 years. You will come out with a different outlook (it will almost seem selfish and totally centered on you--but that is fine and exactly what you want) on lifem, and you will find someone again. You have now learned a valuable lesson and can use that knowledge to build somethign strionger. As for the revenge, don't do it. Just the fact that you are able to move on will propbably be more than enough. You can try the 6 month separation, but it all boils down to Can you ever forgive and forget.
Author hen Posted July 18, 2005 Author Posted July 18, 2005 Again thanks for all your advice. There were underlying problems in the relationship that would need to be resolved before we tried to start again plus I am not going to do any thing while I feel like this. I have to realise that the relationship we had is now dead. Whether I start a new one or not with her... is well I don't know yet. I am not blaming myself but there are certain things I could have done to make things better. It was just we both have stressful jobs with long hours and with other external pressures (not only this bloke) but other family pressure and work that meant we never felt we had the time to work on our own things. It was relentless. I felt like escaping sometimes too but I didn't. The other problem is that when we see each other I suddenly feel great. I look at her face and remember why I married her and how I felt on that day. But now there is this big painful thing between us and we have to talk around or over it. There was another bad thing, I live in London and while all this was going on last week all the bombs went off, I was on the underground (that's subway to you people) about a 1/2 a mile away from the closest blast. I managed to get out fine and when I did all I could think about was her and whether she was ok. I managed to get in contact after an hour or so and she was thankfully ok. I desperately wanted to ask to her to come home then but for some reason I didn't. After that awful day and a 5 hour journey home I found it empty. Now I feel selfish that I am worried about my own problems over what happened to those poor people. But has been a tough couple of weeks.
Lil Honey Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by hen I have been in a relationship for 8 years and married for just over a year. Two weeks ago my wife left me. Over a week later I found out that she has been seeing someone else. she has been seeing this guy for the last four months But now she has got in contact with me saying she has made a terrible mistake and that she still loves me and has always loved me, that this guy doesn't mean anything to her She knows that we had a few problems but instead of facing them she ran away. It was the biggest mistake of her life and she is so sorry for hurting me. So, what you are telling us is that the woman that you have been in a relationship for eight years with and the woman who you have been married to for a year, suddenly can't find the words to TELL you that there are problems in the relationship. Instead, four months ago she starts seeing someone else. She is seeing him for four months, then she leaves you (but of course, she STILL can't tell you WHY or that there is someone else). SUDDENLY, after being gone two "long" weeks, she has had an epiphany. She couldn't/didn't/wouldn't have one in the eight years that you were with her, huh? Those must have been an amazing two weeks to realize - in all honesty, of course - that she loves you, yet didn't know that before. What a buttload of hooey. What happened in the last two weeks that hasn't happened in the last four months? She left you and that changes everything for the other guy, does it not? I say that he dumped her and you are her safety net. *** I can understand that you feel "selfish" for worrying about this while your fellow Londoners are suffering. Don't be so hard on yourself. The bombings may have put things into perspective, but your troubles aren't any less important to you, because they are yours. When someone dies, it's strange it watch the world continue on, when in your heart, it feels like it should have stopped, at least for a bit.
DesertDweller Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 You wrote that you felt selfish for worrying about your own problems after what happened to the victims of the blast. That shows you to be a decent, compassionate human being. I'm glad there are are people like you in the world. I'll bet your wife appreciates those qualities in you, too. Now for the advice: I strayed when a man came along who made me feel beautiful. My H had taken me for granted for too long. Consequently, my H left me. At first I wanted him back. But, even though my emotional affair with the other man is basically over, I found I preferred living alone. In hindsight, my H is a bigger loser than I'd thought he was. I'm looking forward to a divorce. I don't regret the affair. I know that sounds awful, but it's the truth. I don't know how this could help you. I guess I'm saying it's good for you to look at all sides. These things aren't black and white. We women seem so susceptible to flattery. Your wife probably just fell for his lines and now she feels like a fool. It doesn't mean she stopped loving you. Her self-esteem was probably suffering. But I agree that you should play hard-to-get. Let her know you love her, but keep your distance. There's a quote by Bette Davis: "Men want a man they can control. And when he lets them, they lose all respect for him." Hope this helps...
DesertDweller Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 You wrote that you felt selfish for worrying about your own problems after what happened to the victims of the blast. That shows you to be a decent, compassionate human being. I'm glad there are are people like you in the world. I'll bet your wife appreciates those qualities in you, too. Now for the advice: I strayed when a man came along who made me feel beautiful. My H had taken me for granted for too long. Consequently, my H left me. At first I wanted him back. But, even though my emotional affair with the other man is basically over, I found I preferred living alone. In hindsight, my H is a bigger loser than I'd thought he was. I'm looking forward to a divorce. I don't regret the affair. I know that sounds awful, but it's the truth. I don't know how this could help you. I guess I'm saying it's good for you to look at all sides. These things aren't black and white. We women seem so susceptible to flattery. Your wife probably just fell for his lines and now she feels like a fool. It doesn't mean she stopped loving you. Her self-esteem was probably suffering. But I agree that you should play hard-to-get. Let her know you love her, but keep your distance. There's a quote by Bette Davis: "A woman wants a man she can control. And when he lets her, she loses all respect for him." Hope this helps...
reservoirdog1 Posted August 1, 2005 Posted August 1, 2005 First of all, don't buy what she says about not f*cking the guy until she left. That's crap and I think you know it. She's the one who did the damage. I agree with the others... tell her you need a couple of months while YOU decide what YOU want, and that you can date others if you want. And during those couple of months, if she really wants you, she has to fight for you and show you why she's so much better than all the women out there who WON'T cheat on you and then try to come crawling back. 1
Author hen Posted August 2, 2005 Author Posted August 2, 2005 It has been another two weeks now and we have been seeing quite a bit of each other. She has moved into her own apartment so there is plenty of space. She says she has stopped all contact with the other guy but the trust has gone so I am not sure one way or the other. We have been trying to work a away around it but I don't think there is a way through at the moment. Plus the initial problems that caused it all are still there. So basically, I have decided to have a bit of "me time" and have some fun over the next few months. My company is looking for people to transfer to New York so I might take them up on the offer - it would be a great career move and apparently witty, good looking, intelligent, blokes with cute English accents go down a storm. Life is an oyster.
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