Love my gf but met someone else

[Whitestar]

I love my girlfriend very much and we are very much alike. She is highly intelligent, well read and kind. We have been living together for three years having met in college. We are now graduate students and have much less free time for each other. We have always tended to talk more about books and ideas than anything personal but over the last 6 months we haven't talked about much of anything except to argue. Our sex life is almost non existent. Frankly, I'm unhappy most of the time and I've seriously begun to wonder if she is the soulmate I thought she was.

 

So, I met this girl who couldn't be more different from my girlfriend. Shes a talented musician, a singer and songwriter who I met at a free show at my university. She never went to college, rarely reads but is the most wonderfully alive, vibrant and passionate person I have ever met. From the moment our eyes met there was this amazing connection between us. She encouraged me start playing piano again which I have always loved but gave up because of lack of time. The next time I saw her we played a duet together which was such an amazing experience for me. She was wearing a simple green and black flannel shirt and jeans and brown leather boots and her lovely long blonde hair was loose and natural. At the end of the duet she came over to me and kissed me with a passion my girlfriend never has. We had sex the first time that day, 4 times and it was amazing, erotic, tender and intense.

 

I have been seeing this girl for a month now and I really don't know what to do. I love my girlfriend very much and although I despise myself for seeing the other girl I don't want to break up with her. I need this other girl in my life right now. She makes me feel wanted and needed and not like a roommate and study partner. I'm not sure who i who pick if forced to choose.

Edited December 27, 2016 by Whitestar

[OatsAndHall]

You cheated on the girl that you're living with and have been dating for three years. You can spin your "affair" as a Hollywood romance all you want, my friend, but you screwed up. You can't have your cake and eat it too. You need to tell your girlfriend about your about your infidelity and then, from the sounds of it, call it off with her. That's assuming that she doesn't do it herself, on the spot.

[kidm]

I love my girlfriend very much and we are very much alike. She is highly intelligent, well read and kind. We have been living together for three years having met in college. We are now graduate students and have much less free time for each other. We have always tended to talk more about books and ideas than anything personal but over the last 6 months we haven't talked about much of anything except to argue. Our sex life is almost non existent. Frankly, I'm unhappy most of the time and I've seriously begun to wonder if she is the soulmate I thought she was.

 

So, I met this girl who couldn't be more different from my girlfriend. Shes a talented musician, a singer and songwriter who I met at a free show at my university. She never went to college, rarely reads but is the most wonderfully alive, vibrant and passionate person I have ever met. From the moment our eyes met there was this amazing connection between us. She encouraged me start playing piano again which I have always loved but gave up because of lack of time. The next time I saw her we played a duet together which was such an amazing experience for me. She was wearing a simple green and black flannel shirt and jeans and brown leather boots and her lovely long blonde hair was loose and natural. At the end of the duet she came over to me and kissed me with a passion my girlfriend never has. We had sex the first time that day, 4 times and it was amazing, erotic, tender and intense.

 

I have been seeing this girl for a month now and I really don't know what to do. I love my girlfriend very much and although I despise myself for seeing the other girl I don't want to break up with her. I need this other girl in my life right now. She makes me feel wanted and needed and not like a roommate and study partner. I'm not sure who i who pick if forced to choose.

 

Talk about cocky...who you are forced to choose? You are cheating on your girlfriend and think you decide whether you want to stay with her or not? If you despise yourself for it and have a little bit of decency left in your morally corrupt being, you will come clean and let the cards fall where they may. You are trying to have your cake and eat it too. The grass always seems greener on the other side but be careful...

[Lorenza]

Stop being a cheater and end it with your gf. She doesn't deserve this.

 

It's not all about you. Think for a moment about a person you're deceiving with such behavior.

[road]

Dump the first GF for that relationship has been DOA for a long time.

[amaysngrace]

Dump them both and work on yourself to figure out why you need to have a partner to validate you in the first place.

[ExpatInItaly]

Break up with your girlfriend. You don't love her, clearly, so it's not going to work anyway.

 

Be aware that you are in an affair fog right now. You have idealized your affair partner and will likely get a huge reality check once the stardust has cleared from your eyes. She has her flaws and quirks; we all do. You are just too wrapped up in yourself and your lust to see it right now.

 

This Other Woman may or may not be the great match you think she is. But you need to let your girlfriend go, so she can find a man who behaves like a man and not a horny, self-absorbed teenager. Obviously, your relationship isn't working anymore. You have already behaved in the utmost of disrespectful ways. It's time to do right by your girlfriend and end it.

[IfonlyIknew]

It's too late now that you've opened the door to cheating in your relationship. You say you need this girl in your life right now. Something had to be lacking in your current relationship for you to stray. It should have ended then. What you give to this new girl, is what you are taking from your girlfriend, that phone call, that text, that conversation, don't take anything else, set her free.

[butterfly84]

I went through something very similar to this story, except i was the girlfriend who got cheated on and i'll just say it was very painful from my end. If you 'love' her like you claim to, you will be a man about this and actually talk to her and break up with her before she finds about about this through some other way, which will only hurt more. If you were able to kiss another woman, let alone have sex with another woman and talk about how that filled a void for you, then you shouldn't be with your girlfriend anymore as your relationship is not meeting your needs.

[bachdude]

I'll take the less judgmental approach here.

 

Let me sit you down here and give you a little talk, man to man.

 

 

Look, in LTRs there are going to be ups and downs. And at the same time there are going to be women that come across your path that you feel a powerful chemistry with or a "connection". They often appear during those down times in your LTR and these women's personalities often encompass traits that are the exact opposite of those that drive you crazy in your SO.

 

 

If you want to be in a LTR, you have to understand this ahead of time and be prepared to say No to these other women. These situations separate the men from the boys, the women from the girls.

 

 

The adult thing to do when you find yourself in this type of situation is to recognize it for what it is - a women that is exposing needs in your relationship that are going unmet and that is what is creating the intense chemistry. It's artificial. More than likely she has personality traits that would drive you equally as crazy.

 

 

So instead of jumping into a relationship with a mistress, you use the opportunity to address the issues in your current LTR and see if it can be fixed. If not, you have a decision to make.

 

 

But cheating is not the adult way to handle it and is showing you you have not adequately considered what goes into a LTR and you are allowing yourself to be run by your hormones and emotions, not mature decision making.

 

 

If you want to begin making adult decisions in your life, you now have the opportunity to begin doing that.

 

 

Now do the right thing.

[Satu]

Find out what love is, OP.

 

It isn't what you think it is.

 

 

Take care.

[Redhead14]

Character, insight, forward thinking, conscience and empathy . . . keep those "concepts" at the forefront of your thinking always.

 

And, relative to forward thinking, consider the future when/if you are dating new people, how the fact that you cheated on a previous partner would affect that new person. I don't have to date anymore, but if I were and I met someone who cheated on another partner, I would next them before they finished their "explanation". Not as a matter of judgement, but as a matter of not putting myself in a position of having to wonder or walk on eggshells. Once that seed is planted, it's very difficult to ignore.

 

Does the new woman you are dating know about your girlfriend? Are you giving her the full picture and giving her the opportunity to evaluate for herself and properly? If she knows and is willing to continue with you, I gotta wonder if she will always be wondering if you will end up going back to your ex and cheating on her with the ex.

 

You are making a slippery slope for yourself. Do the right thing now and save yourself some potential problems in the future. Yes, you've already made the "mistake" of cheating. The only way to even attempt to start recovering that is to come clean and address things with your girlfriend right now.

 

Character is a delicate and important human "feature". Once it's tarnished, it takes a lot of polishing to restore it if ever.

[Charmed22]

This is honestly the most disgusting thing I have read on here. Im going to be upfront, you SOUND like a total jerk. I am actually wondering if you are trolling. I say this because while you say you feel bad about this, you described that other girl and your encounter in a way that sounds like you don't give a crap that you are hurting another human being. Like the poster above said, you can word this as a romance novel all you want but the action is still the same.. It dosent matter how "wonderfully alive, vibrant and passionate" she may be. The simple fact is that NOBODY DESERVES TO BE CHEATED ON.

 

 

Since we all make mistakes and I know what its like to have feelings rule over common sense, Im going to assume that you are not a jerk. So lets use our brains...

 

Say your gf finds out (AND SHE WILL) and leaves you. Now you are stuck with this new girl. Great, but give it 3 years living together. I guarantee the same thing will happen. You will get bored of her too. She will be another human being who just like your gf is busy, has bad days, has bad habits, morning breath, etc. It will get to the point where you will no longer see her as that "wonderfully alive, vibrant and passionate person" you see her as now. What are you going to do then? Are you going to cheat on her too??

 

I feel like cheating a symptom of an underlying insecurities within yourself. You can downplay your gf and praise the new girl all you want but the fact is that you are not happy with yourself and your own life and you are essentially blaming your relationship for it. "I need this other girl in my life right now" No you don't NEED anyone. If your unhappiness was truly cause of something you weren't getting in the relationship but should be, you would address the problem, try to solve it and leave if you can't. You wouldn't seek it out in another person.

 

Let your girlfriend know what you did. Let her find someone who deserves her. Let this other girl go as well. You are in no place to be in a relationship right now. Work on yourself and figure out what you want for your own life. If you don't, I promise you this will keep happening.

 

Goodluck

Edited December 27, 2016 by Charmed22

[breakupthrowaway663]

I'll take the less judgmental approach here.

 

Let me sit you down here and give you a little talk, man to man.

 

 

Look, in LTRs there are going to be ups and downs. And at the same time there are going to be women that come across your path that you feel a powerful chemistry with or a "connection". They often appear during those down times in your LTR and these women's personalities often encompass traits that are the exact opposite of those that drive you crazy in your SO.

 

 

If you want to be in a LTR, you have to understand this ahead of time and be prepared to say No to these other women. These situations separate the men from the boys, the women from the girls.

 

 

The adult thing to do when you find yourself in this type of situation is to recognize it for what it is - a women that is exposing needs in your relationship that are going unmet and that is what is creating the intense chemistry. It's artificial. More than likely she has personality traits that would drive you equally as crazy.

 

 

So instead of jumping into a relationship with a mistress, you use the opportunity to address the issues in your current LTR and see if it can be fixed. If not, you have a decision to make.

 

 

But cheating is not the adult way to handle it and is showing you you have not adequately considered what goes into a LTR and you are allowing yourself to be run by your hormones and emotions, not mature decision making.

 

 

If you want to begin making adult decisions in your life, you now have the opportunity to begin doing that.

 

 

Now do the right thing.

 

Work on this.

 

When there are rough times in a relationship, stop feeling entitled to happiness and turn outward. Turn inward, ask why you feel unhappy, and address it like a man.

 

You're a graduate student; you're a smart person.

 

But you're also the type of person to bail and look for a way to soothe your unhappiness before trying to truly address it. You acknowledge what you love about your current GF but still decided to not attempt to change what you don't like about your relationship.

 

Unfortunately, this woman you are seeing is on a pedestal in your head. You have no idea how imperfect she is. And you may pursue her for a year before you take off the blinders and see it. This cycle will continue unless you take some time to do some introspection and self-learning.

[Whitestar]

Thanks for the fair minded and insightful advice.

I do genuinely love my gf and always imagined us getting married after graduate school and you are all absolutely right that she deserves better than this. Its also true that my musician friend isn't perfect. I cant have the same dazzling and deep conversations with her as I do with my gf. In fact we rarely have interesting conversations.We connect mostly through our shared love of music - both performing and going to performances - and of course sex. As amazing as that is awakening a different side of me dont know if that's enough in the long term?

Unfortunately (or fortunately) my musician friend is going on a 3 month tour on January 3rd so I'm going to have to find a way of doing without her vivacious eyes and her sensual smile. Its just going to be me and my girlfriend.This will at least give me a chance to focus on her and her needs again and see whether I still want to be with her, to see if we still have a future together.

Oh and no, my musician friend doesn't know about my gf so I guess I'm cheating on them both.Now I really do feel like a jerk...

[breakupthrowaway663]

Thanks for the fair minded and insightful advice.

I do genuinely love my gf and always imagined us getting married after graduate school and you are all absolutely right that she deserves better than this. Its also true that my musician friend isn't perfect. I cant have the same dazzling and deep conversations with her as I do with my gf. In fact we rarely have interesting conversations.We connect mostly through our shared love of music - both performing and going to performances - and of course sex. As amazing as that is awakening a different side of me dont know if that's enough in the long term?

Unfortunately (or fortunately) my musician friend is going on a 3 month tour on January 3rd so I'm going to have to find a way of doing without her vivacious eyes and her sensual smile. Its just going to be me and my girlfriend.This will at least give me a chance to focus on her and her needs again and see whether I still want to be with her, to see if we still have a future together.

Oh and no, my musician friend doesn't know about my gf so I guess I'm cheating on them both.Now I really do feel like a jerk...

 

Your GF deserves to know what's going on. Unfortunately you've shot your relationship in the heart and you know you turned your stone castle into sand. Just admit it and tell her.

 

You've prioritized these needs (in bold) ahead of many others as soon as the new girl fulfilled them. This new girl is meeting these needs, but not your GF. You've already recognized some needs the new girl doesn't meet. How many more will crop up that you aren't aware of yet? The answer is probably a lot.

 

Did you care if your GF was musically-inclined before? Now all of a sudden it seems dreamy. You need to ask yourself if this is a need you actually want met in a relationship or if this is just a convenient connection you're temporarily overvaluing.

 

I probably shouldn't even be mentioning what you need in a relationship. From the looks of it, you aren't ready for one. One foot out the door is no way to continue running a relationship. Your needs do matter, quite a lot in fact, but you need to figure out what the hell they really are.

 

Don't be surprised if your GF sniffs this out. It's not hard to read. She may have already gotten a whiff but is denying her senses.

Edited December 27, 2016 by breakupthrowaway663

[Whitestar]

Follow the advice of the Forum, I decided to talk to my gf - it went much better and much worse than I expected.

 

My gf was initially upset of course but was then calm and kind and understanding. She said she partly blamed herself for my fling because of being emotionally distant and her lack of interest in sex over the last 6 months. She told me that this was because 6 months ago she herself had cheated on me with a fellow grad student on her course. She didn't give me any details apart from saying it was mainly sexual and she felt terribly guilty about it and that was why she had been behaving differently towards me. She also said she loved me and wanted us to stay together. I told her thats what I wanted too. We agreed to sleep in separate beds for the moment.

 

But now I really don't know what to think. My head is spinning....

[niji]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/607122-did-she-cheat

 

I'm confused. Which one is this gf? Which one is the one that might have cheated on you, that you were living together for 3 years also, and just broke up a year ago?

[Redhead14]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/607122-did-she-cheat

 

I'm confused. Which one is this gf? Which one is the one that might have cheated on you, that you were living together for 3 years also, and just broke up a year ago?

 

These two people have no business trying to have a relationship with each other. They need to work on the relationship they have with THEMSELVES. They both are confused to a spectacular degree.

 

He had a suspicion that she had been cheating so he went out and cheated too?????? That's just immature and passive-aggressive. These two have absolutely no communication skills or insight whatsoever.

 

He says he doesn't know what to think now???? What he needs to do is actually START thinking.

 

They need to tap out on this relationship.

[HorseLuck]

Well, that took quite the turn.

[olivetree]

OP, your two threads make no sense together.

 

Can you explain how those two stories can coexist?

[Space Ritual]

OP,

 

Weren't you just doing a thread talking about alcohol as an excuse and now i n this one you allow your GF to blame herself for you actions?

 

 

 

Dude you are one of those guys that is gonna run afoul of the wrong person some day thinking you are smart, and slick. You'll have plenty of time to think about that when you are eating all your meals through a straw.

 

Use your head for something other than a hat rack