Message from a random guy saying he slept with my girlfriend

[unbeknown]

So, Whilst I'm sat in my girlfriends bed my phone lights up, it's a new message request from someone on Facebook. My internet wouldn't connect so I waited until I got home. "Your girlfriend was in my bed three weeks ago, it's not the first time it's happened either" it read.

 

I recognise the name and believe it to ba an ex of hers so I don't want to accuse her straight away (in case it's just a case of jealousy on his part) so I reply asking for proof. He doesn't have any messages saved but sent me a screenshot of a photo she had apparently sent him on snapchat but it was with a festival wrist band on she had cut off when I was only dating her in the early stages. So that's why I am dubious.

 

A few messages back and forth with him and he has said a few things, quite personal, that he would only know from her directly - such as where I work, what we had argued over recently, and finally he said that she asked him to go down on her orally because I don't like doing it, which is true.

 

As much as I want to not believe him, where else would he get these facts from? I feel sick to my stomach. I can't eat I feel so physically sick. This all apparently happened the day after we made up from a pretty big row and had promised no more lies (she was lying to me about something so does have a history of it). I just can't believe someone would do it the day after, especially considering how cut up she was when we argued and she thought I was about to break up with her. She was devastated, and yet 'apparently' has done this the day after I forgive her.

 

I don't know how to approach this. What shall I say to her? She's in work until 9pm tonight. I'm not seeing her next until New Years Eve where we had a fun night out planned. Do I wait until I see her in person?

 

Many thanks

[CommittedToThis]

Hi there,

 

In my ultimately meaningless opinion, here is what I would do: tell her you got the texts, tell her you are done with her due to her consistent pattern of deception/lying to you, then walk out the door and never look back.

 

Then get yourself back together (give it a year or so) and learn what changes you need to make, yourself, so you can learn to set and implement boundaries within your next relationship.

 

People who lie a lot are not real solid prospects for a future brimming with happiness.

 

You're not happy with this situation, so walk away. There are, like, three billion women on the planet and I'm sure a reasonable portion of them are not deceptive or devious in any way.

 

That's the kind of woman you deserve. Go find her, but find yourself first. All the best.

[lolablue17]

You don't know that she's 100% cheating, but you know that she is 100% lying again. Because even he's lying about the sex, the details he knows prove that she did talk to him an intimate conversation at least once.

 

I think that talking intimacy with an ex + hiding it from you are two bad acts she shouldn't have done anyway. So now, does it really matter if she actually slept with him? It matters for curiosity, but if all what she did is only talking to him and lying to you, do you really wanna stay?

 

About the timing... Yes, it's morally annoying, but cheaters and liars really don't care about moral issues anyway. She may have cheated on you with him when things were rocky, and after you made up, she went to him for closure.

Edited December 27, 2016 by lolablue17

[Space Ritual]

So, Whilst I'm sat in my girlfriends bed my phone lights up, it's a new message request from someone on Facebook. My internet wouldn't connect so I waited until I got home. "Your girlfriend was in my bed three weeks ago, it's not the first time it's happened either" it read.

 

I recognise the name and believe it to ba an ex of hers so I don't want to accuse her straight away (in case it's just a case of jealousy on his part) so I reply asking for proof. He doesn't have any messages saved but sent me a screenshot of a photo she had apparently sent him on snapchat but it was with a festival wrist band on she had cut off when I was only dating her in the early stages. So that's why I am dubious.

 

A few messages back and forth with him and he has said a few things, quite personal, that he would only know from her directly - such as where I work, what we had argued over recently, and finally he said that she asked him to go down on her orally because I don't like doing it, which is true.

 

As much as I want to not believe him, where else would he get these facts from? I feel sick to my stomach. I can't eat I feel so physically sick. This all apparently happened the day after we made up from a pretty big row and had promised no more lies (she was lying to me about something so does have a history of it). I just can't believe someone would do it the day after, especially considering how cut up she was when we argued and she thought I was about to break up with her. She was devastated, and yet 'apparently' has done this the day after I forgive her.

 

I don't know how to approach this. What shall I say to her? She's in work until 9pm tonight. I'm not seeing her next until New Years Eve where we had a fun night out planned. Do I wait until I see her in person?

 

Many thanks

 

Since I am a proponent of the "Burn The Witches" school of thought in most cases I'd be telling you to burn the witch today. However in the spirit of the season and wanting to respond in less reactionary manner than I usually do, lets examine your post, shall we?

 

 

 

Let's look at a few things, and stick with me. You make up your own mind but I just want to point some things out in order to give you some food for thought.

 

1. Generally most people would not go out of their way to send a message to a new boyfriend claiming that their current Girlfriend was in their bed recently.Unless of course this guy had 1 of 2 motives.

 

A. He has an axe to grind with you, or her. By that motive he would like to see you two have as much internal strife as possible as some act of revenge against her through you....

 

OR

 

B. He may actually feel somewhat guilty and may in fact be trying to tell you that your GF is not what she claims to be.

 

BOTH could be a possibility. Generally though if he was trying to stick it to you he would much rather taunt you with a a followup asking what you were going to do about it. Young guys that are in this position tend to not stop at just informing and then answering questions at random about it after few back and forths. The taunting factor about banging your GF would be too delicious a prospect if it was to be done maliciously in the hopes you would flip out and challenge him to a fight. The "Piss and Vinegar" option is what I would call that

 

Guys tend to want to mark their territory especially in a case like this, so if he was not taunting you or telling you what a sucker you were, then that would give me some serious pause.

 

2. So he sent you a pic of a wristband. The fact of the matter is that he has the pic at all. You tow may have been in the early stages of dating, but you WERE dating. More circumstantial proof than actual proof, but time frames do matter with circumstantial evidence. Even if you were in the beginnings of the relationship, don't new lover usually have stars in their eyes for the new kid in town?

 

Why in fact does he even have this screenshot if he is an ex?

 

3. His knowledge of your personal business. ESPECIALLY the oral thing?

 

How would he know you don't like it? I can understand if he knew where you worked, that is not out of the ordinary. But he oral thing is a definitive piece of knowledge that not everyone would know or even put out here unless he was informed of it. Who informed him other than her? Was there a little birdie that took offence that you are not a seafood fan and flew in his window and dropped off a note?

 

4. She has a history of lying. Are the lies by omission, minimizing , outright whoppers or a combination of all 3. Lies by omission and minimalization are exponentially more damaging than a straight out whopper, because you can always call somebody out on a whopper that is easily disproved.

 

5. The "Row". She thought you were going to dump her. Was it over a lie? did it have something to do with this or another guy? Would she seek his counsel after such a big blowout? Can a timeline of events that coincide with the alleged sexual event be correlated?

 

I know, young man.. a lot to think about.

 

However, as opposed to many people who find themselves the victim of infidelity with no advance warning you have a decided advantage.

 

And that advantage is that someone spoke up. So rather than have a "pie in the sky" suspicion you have the words of someone who informed you.

 

While that does not seem like a lot right now to hang into or even make a decision based on, you now have a STARTING POINT an an ACTION that someone undertook.

 

In the spirit of trying to give you the best possible help I can, I am going to advise you at this point, being you already have some advance warning, that since you do not plan to see her before New Year's Eve, that you can take this time to not only think very hard about what I floated out to you, but you can get some further clarification from this guy and you have the balance of this week to do so.

 

Unless this guy is dead set on being a turd in the punchbowl, he can be manipulated by you to get more info an solid proof from him. Unless he is also a complete and utter dumbass, he thrust himself into an untenable position by even making contact with you. So by doing so the onus is on him to give you more proof. He put himself into a lose lose situation by contacting you, so unless he totally did not think this through he will have more proof.

 

Use that resource for all you can in the next few days. He put himself on the map, force his hand to show you the goods. What happens when pressed will say alot.

 

You keep silent to your Girlfriend right now. If something is going on, with the Holiday upon us now, she is bound to Phyuck up.

 

Let her make the first move as to whether her actions match up with her words. Being he let the proverbial cat out of the bag it would be useless at this point for them to attempt to get their stories straight. That ship sailed.

 

there can be only one of 2 answers here. Either he is a drama queen or he wants to spare you further drama. He may b a wealth of info about your GF so keep the line of communication open with him, even if you have to manipulate him or cajole or threaten him. Just do it, It will only be for a short term and one way or another you won't need him any more after next week. Because either what he says is true or it isn't.

 

Call his bluff.

 

In the meantime, if your GF even mentions him in any capacity act. like you did not hear it. If she has any inkling you know something she will go on a fishing expedition to find out what you know and would only admit to what she thinks you do.

 

So play your cards close to your vest.

Most importantly, drink plenty of fluids, avoid alcohol at all costs and if you must confide in someone you can trust, like a family member. Keeping this to you self for even a few days may be too much to handle unless you tell somebody you trust.

 

Good Luck and let us know your thoughts once you gather them.

Edited December 27, 2016 by Space Ritual

[umirano]

• Exhibit A: A history of lying
  
• Exhibit B: Sharing intimate details of your relationship with outside parties, probably ex
  
• Conclusion: Instadump
  

[whichwayisup]

Keep in mind that chances are high she's minimized your relationship to him, saying stuff about you that isn't true or is greatly exaggerated. Believe him, why else would he be contacting you? Maybe he's hoping you'll dump her and she can be all his. Regardless of the outcome, right now take your time before you approach her about this. Be calm and ready for her to deny it.

[Chaparral]

When did your girlfriend find out you didn't like oral sex with her? Was it when you first started dating but before you were exclusive? Could she have told him while she was still dating other guys? It is odd he didn't show you a more current picture.

[elaine567]

She may have ran to him the day after you fought and she may have spilled a lot of beans when she was upset too, but that doesn't really mean she necessarily slept with him.

 

Do the other dates she supposedly slept with him tally?

[unbeknown]

Thanks for all the replies and for all truly putting this in to context, and special thanks for such a detailed response Space Ritual, appreciate the time and thought that went in to the response. Definitely food for thought. The weekend can't come soon enough with me wanting to confront her face to face. These next few days are going to draaaaag!

[drifter777]

I understand that you feel the need to try to get to the truth and give her a chance to prove that her Ex is just messing with you. I understand it and I have the life experience to know that you are wasting your time and emotional energy on all of this. You aren't married - why go though any of this drama when all you have to do is quit seeing her? You tried a relationship but it didn't work. Maybe neither of you are ready for it right now. So go out and be single and enjoy your life. If you choose to stay and try to "work though this" it is nothing more than masochism - don't do this to yourself.

[umirano]

Reply with this:

 

"Thanks for letting me know, I always appreciate a brother looking out for me."

 

Then send this to your GF:

 

"I found out that you took our relationship to outside parties. That's not how I roll. I'm breaking up with you. Your stuff is boxed on your doorstep. Do not contact me again."

 

Block, delete and ignore her on every channel of communication and keep it that way.

 

Next week already you'll be able to breathe, feel respect for yourself and the anger will subside. In fact you will feel immensely powerful and satisfied for not having been taken for a ride (is that the expression?).

 

Here's what's going to happen if you "talk" to her:

 

She will deny and lie until she realizes the full extent of your knowledge. Then she'll turn it around and blame you for it or find other excuses. It'll mess with your head and you will have to work through the BS and mind games potentially for weeks. In a best case scenario she'll dump you instead and say something like "I never cared for you to begin with, [other dude ] is way better anyway, etc etc." which also will mess with your head for a very long tim. Additionally, being the dumpee you'll feel like a victim for quite some time.

 

It's in your best interest to take matters into your own hands NOW. Alone for the self respect. Don't be a victim, be a leader.

[JMiller1]

I would be very cautious in this relationship.* If you have any suspicion that she is cheating on you now, chances are she will cheat on you again later.* If you are truly committed to her, then you want to be sure she shares the same feelings for you.* Tell her how much you care about her and want your relationship to work.* If you have concrete evidence she is not committed to you, then I would recommend ending it before it goes any further.* Give her time and space.* If she’s meant to come back to you, she will.* If you hold on to her too tightly, she’ll resist you.* You don’t want to force her to be with you; you want her to choose you!

[Clockwork]

Confront her for sure. No doubt about it.

 

 

I don't know, she doesn't sound like "wife" material to me. Be happy she isn't your wife, or the mother to your child. At least you dodged that bullet.

[LargoLagg]

Just tell him to send you a FB message to let you know the next time she's coming over, along with his address. Let him know that he's in no danger of a fight, you just need to see it with your own eyes.

 

No need to confront her. You just need the proof, and he seems willing to provide it. Plus, that way, if he shows it to her to sow the seeds of discord between you, you can tell her that you didn't want to accuse her, and you were telling him to put up or shut up.

 

Which is essentially what you're doing.

[unbeknown]

Thanks all for the replies. Tomorrow is the day wish me luck. It's been great to have these days knowing to reconcile my thoughts, she really doesn't have a clue and it's been nice to have this upper hand.

 

She asked me earlier about her Christmas card that I forget to give her (she likes to keep little mementos so I'm half tempted to take it tomorrow and just print off a screenshot of this guys facebook message to put inside, will be a nice touch to see her face drop when she sees it

[Space Ritual]

She asked me earlier about her Christmas card that I forget to give her (she likes to keep little mementos so I'm half tempted to take it tomorrow and just print off a screenshot of this guys facebook message to put inside, will be a nice touch to see her face drop when she sees it

 

LMFAO!

 

Oh man that would be delicious! I applaud your creativity in such a situation that has the potential to go totally tits up.

 

Have you decided how you are going to handle a confrontation, or just let it come to it's own conclusion?

[unbeknown]

So I confronted her today. Done what I said and printed out a screenshot of the facebook messages. She was so excited to open her 'Christmas card', the look on her face was priceless. She denied it. It took her a whole 1 minute before then admitting it once I dropped the knowledge of the personal facts this man knew about me. I feel sick.

 

We had had quite a big argument during the time she cheated, she came to mine and we made up, everything was fine. The very next day, after us making up, she goes and does this. I could maybe begin to understand if it was whilst we were arguing but we had made up and she goes and does something like this. It reeks of nothing but slut.

 

I feel 50% great and happy it's done but there's another 50% that feels lost and empty. Just like that it's over. I loved this girl and can't believe what she's done to me. We could have been so good and she's ruined everything over one night.

[BluesPower]

I am sorry...

 

Brother I know that this hurts. But better to find out now than later down the road.

[umirano]

All right, the big finale took place. Was it as spectacular and satisfying as you hoped? Probably not, but it had to be done one way or another.

 

Now you have to clean up the mess that she left. Are you living together? If yes one of you has to move ASAP. Give her back her things and go complete NC. Otherwise she'll try to mess with your head to make herself look better. She'll try to blame it on you, as you already kind of opened that door by saying that you could understand the cheating if you were in a fight. I couldn't disagree more. Cheating is always "having cake and eating it too", there's no moral justification for it, ever.

 

Anyway, I hope you'll do the right thing (which is to make her disappear from your life, and you from hers) and move on. Best of luck and a happy 2017!

[unbeknown]

Thanks all for the words.

 

It was satisfying for my own needs, felt like it was something I really had to do. I didn't allow her to talk her way out of it, I just wanted her to know that I knew about her sordid little affair and wanted to see her response in person.

 

I know NC will be difficult but you are right, it's definitely something I have to do. And I'm totally with you on no excuse for cheating. It was more so me trying to get my head around it, doing this to me the very next day after leaving my bed and making good on our argument to that, probably no later than 24 hours. She always had the choice and she chose to cheat.

[Space Ritual]

So I confronted her today. Done what I said and printed out a screenshot of the facebook messages. She was so excited to open her 'Christmas card', the look on her face was priceless. She denied it. It took her a whole 1 minute before then admitting it once I dropped the knowledge of the personal facts this man knew about me. I feel sick.

 

We had had quite a big argument during the time she cheated, she came to mine and we made up, everything was fine. The very next day, after us making up, she goes and does this. I could maybe begin to understand if it was whilst we were arguing but we had made up and she goes and does something like this. It reeks of nothing but slut.

 

I feel 50% great and happy it's done but there's another 50% that feels lost and empty. Just like that it's over. I loved this girl and can't believe what she's done to me. We could have been so good and she's ruined everything over one night.

 

Well,

 

Sorry it turned out the way it did. Do not be too hard on yourself. And in reality, the guy who contacted you did you a favor.

 

What I think right now you need to avoid is seeking any type of closure with this girl. Sometimes when we plan out confrontations and they happen, we often are left wanting to ask more questions. Please just be satisfied that she denied it until she had no other option, ran to his bed the day after you made up, and probably was there before.

 

That is all you need to know. And let her be somebody else's problem.

 

Just imagine if you two had a long term lease on a flat or gotten married and had a kid together and she had done this?

 

Take all teh time you need to grieve the loss of your relationship. But by acting when you did, you spared yourself needless heartache and all the crap that comes with it when you don;t act.

 

So you did just fine, and you'll be ok.

[umirano]

Sounds like you'll be fine. Just keep your head up, never break NC, it's not worth it. This is a clear cut case. In a month or two you'll be proud of how you handled it with class.

[HereNorThere]

Hey, man. I just wanted you to know - YOU ARE MY NEW PERSONAL HERO!! I see so many weak people continue to be abused in relationships and allow themselves to be gas lighted. You stood up for yourself and that's priceless.

 

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but the confidence you've gained from this will help you in future relationships. You'll always know you have the power to leave and respect yourself. A woman can sense this about a man and it makes him more attractive.

 

Good for you, brother. If you ever decide to fly across the pond, I've got the beers waiting for here in Colorado.

[unbeknown]

Well,

 

Sorry it turned out the way it did. Do not be too hard on yourself. And in reality, the guy who contacted you did you a favor.

 

You know what, she said to me she was going to tell me. I've never heard such rubbish in all my life. I keep imaging if this guy never told me. I'd be none the wiser and she'd be mugging me off years to come.

 

I guess I'm lucky we don't own a house together or have any kids.

 

Thanks all for the reassuring words!

[Space Ritual]

You know what, she said to me she was going to tell me. I've never heard such rubbish in all my life.

 

Yeah if she was going to tell you she would have just broken up with you first and spared you the aggravation of having to figure it out for yourself.

 

As HereNorThere said, you acted. And although it didn't turn out the way you had hoped, You can walk away knowing you acted.

 

If you look around this forum you will see lots of people who come here thinking their situation is different, and that they can nice somebody back or even worse, blame themselves for the actions of their partner, claiming it was their fault that their partner or spouse had sex with somebody else.

 

Even when it is painfully obvious that their partner is up to no good, some people who come here simply refuse to do anything because they fear either being alone, or they fear a confrontation. And then they suffer and come back here and say "I wish I would have done something, I feel like a fool".

 

Glad you didn't twirl your thumbs and put your head in the sand.

 

You are to be commended for that.

 

As for your now ex, one would hope that she learned a valuable lesson, but she probably learned nothing.

 

Do yourself a favor and make her insignificant. Delete her from your life. If sh has anything of yours or you have anything of hers, arrange for a 3rd party to get them for you or for her. Do not even chance having any contact with her so you can limit the chance you will fall fo some sob story she is bound to come up with to attempt to assuage her guilt and add another round of excuses.

 

Th goal now is to reach a point of indifference toward her.