Confessions Of The Other Woman

[Maddieandtae]

^^^This post sums it up perfectly in my opinion!

[Miss Clavel]

When did I say I didn't care about him? You might have missed the part where I said I was in love with him....but ok.

 

i loved my wasband as well. right up to the point when i asked him if he and his OW used condoms and he said no.

 

your BF gets it in his wife, without a condom. he kisses her all over her body and holds he while she comes and you are not bothered by that?

 

they eat together, they sleep together, they brush their teeth together, they invest in their future together and it doesn't bother you.

 

i can't imagine being with a man that gets it in another woman then tries to get it in me??? wtf??

[elaine567]

i can't imagine being with a man that gets it in another woman then tries to get it in me??? wtf??

 

Of course the MM is usually in the guest room at home and never ever sleeps with his horrible wife...

LOL!

[HappyAgain2014]

You've convinced yourself this is ideal because you know the alternative is to tell him you have to be his one and only and he will dump you. You're settling by deceiving yourself. He is as happy as a pig in **** that you've talked yourself into believing you're special as his OW. Saved him the trouble.

 

He is legitimately in a relationship that he acknowledges with someone else. You're a secret. That's all you need to know. He was with you and pushed you down to OW status to date this woman again. Tells you everything about your value to him.

 

You might get the truth from him but it's easy when he doesn't feel the need to lie to you because you accept his crumbs. What you aren't getting is the respect that comes along with being able to exist in his life.

 

I've been there. Wild sex, empty promises and being the only one who understood him. What it really meant was I was the only one willing to put up with his twisted logic.

 

Affairs and the secrets that come with them are toxic. You'll feel good until you crash...hard. We aren't meant to be denied by the people we love.

 

Worst part is realizing you're doing everything because you love him while he watches you suffer. That's not love. Move past your ego and get out of this. It only gets worse.

[Grammie]

This is my first time being in a "situationship" where I am involved with a man who has a girlfriend. It didn't start off that way. He was newly single and we dated for a few months but he was not over her yet so him and his ex tried to work things out but he didn't want to let me go so they got back together to see if they can give it another shot and he continues to see me at the same time.

 

Being the "other woman" has made me realize something about myself that I never knew before. That I am oddly comfortable and ok in this situation. I was someone who had been cheated on before so I always hated the idea of women knowingly being involved with taken men so to see how I am handling this is even shocking to both him and myself. He told me that he never thought in a million years that I'd agree to this but he is equally as shocked that he's cheating on her. He told me I had some strange pull over him that he can't explain. He's tries to end it and a few times I tried to but he always calls me back two days later saying he needs me in his life.

 

The first thing is that I did fall in love with him and I believe he has done the same. His actions are not of a man who is getting something on the side. He is completely and fully engaged in my life like a partner.

 

Another strange thing is that I notice that I feel more relaxed then I have ever felt in previous relationships. And here's why:

 

1.) As the other woman, he is always 100% honest with me about everything so we have open and excellent communication and it surprisingly built a lot of trust between us. He tells me that he could talk to me about anything. When I was the GF I was getting lied to constantly and we'd argue because I knew he was a full of **** liar and it broke down our trust and communication.

 

 

2.) As the other woman our sex life is always wild, passionate, adventurous and fun! He wanted to do all the things his gf wouldn't let him do and I felt desired and sexually liberated enough to do it with him. Our sexual openness created a lot of trust between us. When I was the gf, I cared too much about my image as his "good girl" and he never wanted to ask me to do certain things because he felt it was disrespectful. We both ended up being unfulfilled in our sex lives.

 

 

3.) As the other woman, things never get boring or dull between us. We never spend enough time around each other to create any routines. Our conversations are always new and interesting. All the anticipation always keeps things fresh. He tells me that he is more excited and happy to see me than he is to see her. As the gf, we lived together, saw each other every day and things started to get...boring and predictable. We fell into a routine and no matter how hard we tried to break it, it just felt forced.

 

4.) As the other woman, my expectations of him are not very high so we never argued about anything because as much as I love him, I know I couldn't let my emotions get too carried away so there is nothing to ever overreact to. No overreacting to missed calls or unanswered text messages, no overreacting about where he is and who he is with...and I DEFINITELY could never get mad about him being with her. It was not my place to do so so I never did. So we NEVER argued about anything! NOT ONCE! As a result, he just naturally started to do more stuff with me. He also felt more and more comfortable with me. As the gf, I had high expectations and high standards that he always needed to meet. He needed to spend time, call me regularly, tell me what he's doing and when, and he definitely couldn't be with other women. This created tension and arguments.

 

5) It is impossible for me to "lose myself" in the relationship as the other woman. I knew the situation so it gave me more time to focus on myself, and my career, and detach from him when necessary. I could go freely live my life without feeling obligated to him in any way. As the gf, we both lost ourselves in our relationship. Both of our worlds revolved around each other. This also caused us to start to dislike each other.

 

The only bad thing about being the other woman is that you don't get any recognition amongst family. You don't get invites to special family events, holidays, work events, and you don't meet all the important people in his life. But besides that, you get everything else that she gets--minus the lies. You get better communication, better sex, you get the financial support, you get the sweet treatment, you get trips, and you get a more open and honest relationship.

 

I guess it's strange for me to see how easily I fit into this role with very little complaints. People like to blame it on low self esteem or low value but I definitely don't have low self esteem. I just don't follow the same rules that society has taught us all to follow and that's okay. Why do I HAVE to care about another woman if all my needs are being met? Sure, I can find someone else and when I meet a good replacement I will be faithful to him but for now, I have the man I want. And he gives me everything I ask for. He's always available for me and he is good to me.

 

I'm just wondering if any other women feel similarly or am I the weirdo here?

 

Couple thoughts...you dated this guy for a few months and lived with him? And then he left you and went back to his g/f? If you and he had this great connection, he wouldn't have wanted to go back with his g/f.

 

Regarding his "100% honesty", I would bet that isn't true.....does he tell you when he has sex with her? Does he tell you about how they are intimate?

 

And you allow him to give you money??? So you are okay with a dude who is with someone else giving you money? I guess that is a line I chose to never cross...I never would have taken a dime from a guy who was in a committed relationship (which this is what this dude is in, whether you want to believe it or not).

 

Finally, if you are dating someone and not getting your freak on, then you are with the wrong person. :bunny: Part of relationships are sexual compatibility...and if you are holding yourself back, then you aren't with the right person. And you shouldn't just be freaky with a married/committed dude...you should be able to do that with your own man.

 

I guess time will tell --- when the affair is found out, how he reacts and what he does will probably not be consistent with what you think will happen. Like so many have said, when DDay came, many OW were tossed on their bums and had a bus run over them.

 

I just am sad for you that you seem to justify why having an affair is better than having an open/honest/public relationship.

[somanymistakes]

to play devil's advocate a bit:

 

If their marriage is actually happy (as far as the wife knows) and they're still sleeping together and caring and all those things some posters say the MM is lying about) is the AP really taking happiness at the expense of someone else's? The happiness is still there... at least until someone reveals the affair.

 

If their marriage was actually broken before the AP came along, and all the stories about them sleeping in separate bedrooms and so on are actually true, is the AP really taking happiness at the expense of someone else's? The happiness wasn't there to start with.

 

all that said i still don't see any reason why an affair would be better than an open part-time relationship, i saw posts on reddit where married men who have affairs were complaining about polyamory and open relationships making it harder to find good submissive other women who would agree to keep secrets and have an affair on the man's terms.

[sadgirl17]

You've convinced yourself this is ideal because you know the alternative is to tell him you have to be his one and only and he will dump you. You're settling by deceiving yourself. He is as happy as a pig in **** that you've talked yourself into believing you're special as his OW. Saved him the trouble.

 

He is legitimately in a relationship that he acknowledges with someone else. You're a secret. That's all you need to know. He was with you and pushed you down to OW status to date this woman again. Tells you everything about your value to him.

 

You might get the truth from him but it's easy when he doesn't feel the need to lie to you because you accept his crumbs. What you aren't getting is the respect that comes along with being able to exist in his life.

 

I've been there. Wild sex, empty promises and being the only one who understood him. What it really meant was I was the only one willing to put up with his twisted logic.

 

Affairs and the secrets that come with them are toxic. You'll feel good until you crash...hard. We aren't meant to be denied by the people we love.

 

Worst part is realizing you're doing everything because you love him while he watches you suffer. That's not love. Move past your ego and get out of this. It only gets worse.

 

This is so beautifully written it makes me cry. It takes me two years to realize all the above. Time for me to move on. I'm getting out of the affair now. Thank you!!!

[LivingWaterPlease]

We aren't meant to be denied by the people we love.

 

 

Beautiful; profound.

 

One of the best reasons to stay out of an affair ever posted on LS, imo. Though I believe the very best reason to stay out of an affair is because it hurts the betrayed.

Edited December 29, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[LexiCat29]

to play devil's advocate a bit:

 

If their marriage is actually happy (as far as the wife knows) and they're still sleeping together and caring and all those things some posters say the MM is lying about) is the AP really taking happiness at the expense of someone else's? The happiness is still there... at least until someone reveals the affair.

 

If their marriage was actually broken before the AP came along, and all the stories about them sleeping in separate bedrooms and so on are actually true, is the AP really taking happiness at the expense of someone else's? The happiness wasn't there to start with.

 

all that said i still don't see any reason why an affair would be better than an open part-time relationship, i saw posts on reddit where married men who have affairs were complaining about polyamory and open relationships making it harder to find good submissive other women who would agree to keep secrets and have an affair on the man's terms.

 

You should read the OPs posts before commenting as most of what you're saying does not apply.

 

The man is not married. He dated the OP shortly after a break up with his girlfriend but went back to the girlfriend because he missed her while continuing to sleep with OP behind her back. The girlfriend gets prime position while OP has been relegated to dirty little secret.

 

As for people who cheat on their spouses, you don't know whether or not they're happy. It's not your place to decide that. Only the MM knows why he cheats. if it were as simple as you think it is, there'd be a lot more post DDay divorces.

[anika99]

to play devil's advocate a bit:

 

If their marriage is actually happy (as far as the wife knows) and they're still sleeping together and caring and all those things some posters say the MM is lying about) is the AP really taking happiness at the expense of someone else's? The happiness is still there... at least until someone reveals the affair.

 

If their marriage was actually broken before the AP came along, and all the stories about them sleeping in separate bedrooms and so on are actually true, is the AP really taking happiness at the expense of someone else's? The happiness wasn't there to start with.

 

all that said i still don't see any reason why an affair would be better than an open part-time relationship, i saw posts on reddit where married men who have affairs were complaining about polyamory and open relationships making it harder to find good submissive other women who would agree to keep secrets and have an affair on the man's terms.

 

Marriages and infidelity are much more complex than this. The cheater may be doing all they can to keep up appearances, like spending time with family and having sex with their spouse but when people live together and know each other much of their communication with one another is unspoken. The BS is going to know something is wrong or different. The cheating spouse is going to tell the BS that nothing is wrong or different and then the BS is going to feel guilty and full of self doubt. The more the BS starts questioning their reality the more the WS denies and deflects. So while they may have been happy and are still doing the same things that had made them happy prior to the affair, unhappiness starts to creep in and the BS doesn't even know why.

 

In the case of an unhappy marriage, well there are different degrees of unhappiness. Many marriages go through really tough bouts but they survive and get better. If there is an affair underway then it's highly unlikely that the current state of unhappiness will improve as the cheating spouse is unmotivated and uninterested in making improvements. A small period of unhappiness can turn into a long drawn out misery. In the case of a marriage already truly being broken and miserable full time, infidelity will only add to the misery and doesn't improve anything long term. If a marriage is broken beyond repair then a divorce needs to happen, not an affair.

[jennifernyc84]

Ok, I've been avoiding this thread because it hit a little to close to home and I didn't want to get butchered but figured I'd chime in. So here goes....

 

 

I was the other woman for 4 years. Never really felt guilt about betraying his wife. I had been in love with MM for nearly my whole life and I felt like I was entitled to be with him. If anything, she was in my way.

 

I was on cloud 9 when we first started and the crumbs that he was giving me felt like surf and turf dinner to me. The pain would start every time we'd part but I'd just think of all the things he promised, or think of how he touched me or little gestures and it made me happy. I mean, you don't do and say those things to people you don't love right? Wrong. It was an illusion. My happiness included.

 

You convince yourself that your happy, because you have to. Otherwise the pain overtakes you. When I would think too much, that's when the pain would be overwhelming. Then I'd tell myself that I needed to get out of my head and I'd think of the good times again.

 

Being an OW, was not something that I'm proud of..now. Fun? Yeah, maybe. For awhile. But you can't build your life around fun.

 

Take a step back. Let real life sink in.

 

And think, There are billions of other men in the world. Why do I need hers?

[ladydesigner]

Ok, I've been avoiding this thread because it hit a little to close to home and I didn't want to get butchered but figured I'd chime in. So here goes....

 

 

I was the other woman for 4 years. Never really felt guilt about betraying his wife. I had been in love with MM for nearly my whole life and I felt like I was entitled to be with him. If anything, she was in my way.

 

I was on cloud 9 when we first started and the crumbs that he was giving me felt like surf and turf dinner to me. The pain would start every time we'd part but I'd just think of all the things he promised, or think of how he touched me or little gestures and it made me happy. I mean, you don't do and say those things to people you don't love right? Wrong. It was an illusion. My happiness included.

 

You convince yourself that your happy, because you have to. Otherwise the pain overtakes you. When I would think too much, that's when the pain would be overwhelming. Then I'd tell myself that I needed to get out of my head and I'd think of the good times again.

 

Being an OW, was not something that I'm proud of..now. Fun? Yeah, maybe. For awhile. But you can't build your life around fun.

 

Take a step back. Let real life sink in.

 

And think, There are billions of other men in the world. Why do I need hers?

 

Exactly! Plus think about it, unless you are into polyamory or swinging, an A really isn't going to suit you full time as you are 'sharing' that person with someone else, their fluids and everything else

[jennifernyc84]

Exactly! Plus think about it, unless you are into polyamory or swinging, an A really isn't going to suit you full time as you are 'sharing' that person with someone else, their fluids and everything else

 

You think about that afterwards. but not in the heat of the moment lol

[seekingpeaceinlove]

She's not getting the better deal?

 

Hmm, she's not a secret. You are.

 

The guy's a liar and a cheater. But of course not to you. He's fully open and honest with you...his secret gf. Right. Makes sense.

 

Good luck with all of that.

 

I don't think it's about him putting her before me. He has chosen to give their relationship another shot but he doesn't dismiss me ever. He even cancelled going to see her parents on Christmas so that I could travel with him on Christmas weekend (since he has to work on the holiday). So no, I wouldn't say its a situation where she is getting the better deal. I'm not cheating on anyone, he's the one who claims to be committed, not me.

[aileD]

If this is such a happy arrangement, why don't you and him tell his wife and make it official. You can be his official mistress, lots of guys have them and the wives look the other way (there's actually one on here and it's working out for her I forget the username). Then everything is out in the open and theres no sneaking around.

 

What? Oh, yeah. Because then he'd dump you once his wife found out and you'd have to realize that you really mean nothing to him other than Sex. That's the arrangement you want? Seems craptastic to me. You may think you're happy with crumbs but that usually is just a denial/defense mechanism

 

Plus what kind of person does it make you to say you're ok being that way knowing you are actively helping to destroy someone's soul who did nothing at all to harm you?

 

I think you're very selfish and you know it. It's not an attractive quality.

 

I hope you can get into some therapy and see where this stems from

[ShatteredLady]

I'd be interested to TRULY know what caused the problems in their relationship leading to the split. Was it cheating? It sounds like she dumped him & he was trying to get her back. Did she have another man? I'm trying to understand his side of this. How did you meet?

 

Do they have children? Are they engaged? (BIG QUESTIONS!)

 

Anyway, I do agree with others about your justifications etc. but it's your life! Dating can be crazy. I don't agree with happiness from the misery of others but it's your morality to deal with.

 

You posted here. I hear the reasons you give. I just want to say, be very careful with your heart. You say that you're in love. I couldn't kiss the man I love goodbye knowing that he was going home to have sex with another woman, telling her how much he loves her, how glad he is to be back with her, making plans with her, taking her out with family & friends....ugh!! It would break my heart!!

 

Are you sure that you don't have unresolved issues from being cheated on yourself? You offered the information. Stated how this is so unlike you. That does worry me.

 

Do you have an endgame? Are you hoping that they will split again & he will be all yours? I'd have serious issues having a long term relationship with a man who can do this. Out of interest (again!) would you continue your arrangement if he proposed marriage to her? Got married? Had kids?

 

I can remember dating without the concept of marriage ever crossing my mind. Not every relationship has to be serious or going anywhere. I do get that. I just wish there wasn't another woman getting hurt here....everyone should know the truth of their lives so they can make their own choices.

[Miss Clavel]

I'd be interested to TRULY know what caused the problems in their relationship leading to the split. Was it cheating? It sounds like she dumped him & he was trying to get her back. Did she have another man? I'm trying to understand his side of this. How did you meet?

 

Do they have children? Are they engaged? (BIG QUESTIONS!)

 

Anyway, I do agree with others about your justifications etc. but it's your life! Dating can be crazy. I don't agree with happiness from the misery of others but it's your morality to deal with.

 

You posted here. I hear the reasons you give. I just want to say, be very careful with your heart. You say that you're in love. I couldn't kiss the man I love goodbye knowing that he was going home to have sex with another woman, telling her how much he loves her, how glad he is to be back with her, making plans with her, taking her out with family & friends....ugh!! It would break my heart!!

 

Are you sure that you don't have unresolved issues from being cheated on yourself? You offered the information. Stated how this is so unlike you. That does worry me.

 

Do you have an endgame? Are you hoping that they will split again & he will be all yours? I'd have serious issues having a long term relationship with a man who can do this. Out of interest (again!) would you continue your arrangement if he proposed marriage to her? Got married? Had kids?

 

I can remember dating without the concept of marriage ever crossing my mind. Not every relationship has to be serious or going anywhere. I do get that. I just wish there wasn't another woman getting hurt here....everyone should know the truth of their lives so they can make their own choices.

 

 

applause.:)

[freengreen]

You are either in 1% situations where the guy is truly honest and you are happy. Thats nice that you both are happy. In that case, please ask him to let the girlfriend go. Let her choose her life rather you both choosing her life without her consent.

 

Or you are in the 99% situations where ypu are brutally fogged and you will end up writing a post which starts with "I am shattered and hurt...". The pain is abnormal, I wish people actually knew what they were getting into.

[freengreen]

Exactly! Plus think about it, unless you are into polyamory or swinging, an A really isn't going to suit you full time as you are 'sharing' that person with someone else, their fluids and everything else

We never got to the fluids... and I am clinically positive on cleanliness OCD. This comment of yours could have potentially killed me.

 

You helpful woman, you.

[GildedLily]

Well, I'm usually the oddball (in more ways than one), so here goes...

 

Years ago I was with a guy for almost six years. He lived with the mother of his kid and wasn't married to her, so I guess they were considered "common law".

 

He lived like two houses down from me and it worked out for me. I (like I am to this day) had a full life of my relatives, work, friends, and school. I wasn't looking for kids and/or marriage - just regular "company". I also go out by myself to this day (to mall movies, whatever), so it's not like I need (ed) someone to do things with.

 

I guess also, some people like myself, only have enough tolerate to be around people...essentially, I prefer contact with people in small doses. So a part-time lover/bf was right up my alley.

 

I heard recently that Audrey Hepburn was involved with a married guy for years. She never married and/or had kids. So, the whole "white picket fence" and rugrats isn't for everyone and as long as you're not hurting others and are going into it with eyes open, then it's all good. IMO.

 

I haven't found anything like him since and it's been a frustrating ride. I don't wanna sleep around, but want company now/then. I also fear that cuz I don't want kids and can handle my bills and got my own stuff (car, home), I'm not attractive to guys who want women to depend on them and are not capable of having a lasting marriage if it doesn't involve kids. Lastly, while I believe that I'm a cool and sociable person, I often am quiet and stoic and fear that will be a turn off to guys. With recent dude he sorta was saying that there wasn't much to learn about him and like me, he seems quiet and does more listening than talking and I was happy about that cuz I was hoping that he'd be cool with a sorta introvert like me...

 

So, not sure how long your "situationship" will last. It may not be for everyone and is not the "norm", so you're gonna get a lot of bashing over it.

 

 

Audrey Hepburn married twice and had a son or a rugrat as you call them. Perhaps you're thinking of Katherine Hepburn.