Your thoughts on: When a woman cheats, there's something wrong with the relationship

[elaine567]

There is a very fine line between a "good" relationship and a "bad" one.

A few words and/or an action can turn a good relationship into a horrible one in the blink of an eye.

 

It is hence easy for anyone cheating to justify it by blaming the relationship.

A few well chosen words by the cheater, meant to cause maximum damage, and their loving, caring spouse can quite easily turn into a raging beast, an emotional wreck, an unstable "waste of space", a bitter, twisted mess...

Such is the power of the spouse.

If you want to ruin a "good" relationship, it is easily done.

[stillafool]

I have a cousin who used to cheat on her husband all the time. She said she was happily married but needed variety in sex. People who didn't know what she was up to behind his back thought they had the perfect marriage. She said she was happy and loved the hell out of her husband. She was always so happy go lucky all the time and so was he. She had no guilt whatsoever about what she was doing and had a full sex life with her husband. She grew up in a happy home with 5 other siblings and doting parents. Some women just like men want the strange. People don't like to believe this about women but it is happening more and more.

[OneLov]

I have a cousin who used to cheat on her husband all the time. She said she was happily married but needed variety in sex. People who didn't know what she was up to behind his back thought they had the perfect marriage. She said she was happy and loved the hell out of her husband. She was always so happy go lucky all the time and so was he. She had no guilt whatsoever about what she was doing and had a full sex life with her husband. She grew up in a happy home with 5 other siblings and doting parents. Some women just like men want the strange. People don't like to believe this about women but it is happening more and more.

 

I agree that all humans regularly deviate from gender stereotypes. That's why I think gender stereotyping when it comes to affairs doesn't really provide much insight.

 

As a man, I find it funny when I hear things like women don't care that much about physical attraction. Bahahaha. If you look at most couples, they match up superficially as well as emotionally assuming wealth or status is not the glue holding them together. Don't get me wrong, I think having an emotional connection is very important, especially for women, in LTRs. But let's be honest, you never see a beautiful woman with a not-so-good-looking dude because "he's a nice guy." There are plenty of "nice" good-looking gentlemen.

 

Not trying to be shallow, but this is the primary reason I hesitate to say to the OP that females generally have affairs for emotional reasons. I think as men, we like to tell ourselves women are above carnal indulgences to assuage our fears and insecurities. A great episode of South Park comes to mind.

 

Here's some good ol' fashioned stereotyping: IME, sex is just as important to women as it is to men. The biggest difference with NSA sex is that a woman needs, at minimum, to be physically attracted to a man whereas a man will have sex with almost any woman that pays him some attention.

Edited December 29, 2016 by OneLov

[dichotomy]

I think its all a bunch of B.S. - the stereotypes about the difference between men and women and cheating.

 

Its the person, how they are wired, their character, and the situation they find themselves in.

 

If I could be blunt - some women are as big a "sex hound" as any men.

[DKT3]

I think boring or dull get confused with bad in terms of relationships. There is a huge difference.

 

In a boring marriage where you work take care of the kids and mundane tasks of every day life women don't get that range of emotional turmoil so many crave. Once another man enters the picture that range of emotional turmoil also enters. Here is where they feel alive and place the blame on the husband and start to veiw the marriage as bad instead of just boring.

 

I believe this to be the case in most cases of infidelity for females.

[DKT3]

I think its all a bunch of B.S. - the stereotypes about the difference between men and women and cheating.

 

Its the person, how they are wired, their character, and the situation they find themselves in.

 

If I could be blunt - some women are as big a "sex hound" as any men.

 

I agree on the surface, but there are definite difference in gender infidelities. I think the process is totally different in how or why. That difference is the same issue that hinders many relationships emotionally vs physically. Those difference play different as to how they impact the marriage. I once read a quote that said "women use excuses to start and maintain an affair, men use excuses after they get caught"

[Redhead14]

I agree on the surface, but there are definite difference in gender infidelities. I think the process is totally different in how or why. That difference is the same issue that hinders many relationships emotionally vs physically. Those difference play different as to how they impact the marriage. I once read a quote that said "women use excuses to start and maintain an affair, men use excuses after they get caught"

 

I once read a quote that said "women use excuses to start and maintain an affair, men use excuses after they get caught" -- The thought processes are flawed either way. The excuses are just that -- excuses for bad behavior and the results are the same.

 

The men and the women are justifying it in their heads throughout the whole "process", make no mistake about that. The excuses simply get verbalized when they are caught.

[thecrucible]

An explanation doesn't mean justification. I've posted on here before about a time I cheated on a long distance boyfriend. My explanation for it after the fact was that I felt underappreciated as he had stopped showing affection or making love for several months (I stopped initiating and he never started initiating after that) and then he wouldn't want to communicate unless it was in typed sentences, no phone calls, or Skype. This cheating never turned into an extended affair and I never pursued anything with the other guy. I was horrified by what I had done and if I could turn back time I really would. I think I was insecure and I hadn't felt wanted for a long time so I was drawn to that like napalm. Again I'm not justifying it. I'm still deeply ashamed and guilty for the hurt I caused him.

[Shanex]

I agree that women are just as capable of cheating as men, and women=good/men=evil is BS. I have numerous personal anecdotes from friends in their early 20s then who were pretty sure they were in a healthy relationship, got married or engaged, and divorced in their 30s because of their spouse sexcapades.

 

Now the reason women and men cheat ? Are there different reasons? We have reached gender equality IME with 2017 fast approaching. The women who cheat want variety, just like men, and can be equally despicable and unethical. The temptation for women to cheat is far higher, they are more in demand, the married ladies will reject 100 guys in a year, the 101st one will raise to the occasion... maybe.

 

While I have no idea if I have been cheated on before (and it shouldn't matter anymore), the fact that 4 of my exes after we 'officially' broke up went with friends of mine is enough of a clue : they either had a relationship of some sort with them and I was kidding myself, or it was somehow retaliating against me for the way I might have treated them (I was young, immature, more foolish). Either way, they are very clever at hiding it at the moment, but we eventually find out later.

 

I'll add that women can be pretty twisted when retaliating against a cheating man, or just someone who disposed of them.

[Whoknew30]

Yes, in my personal experience women cheat bc the relationship isn't well. Does it make it "ok@ no but that's what I've seen with every woman I know that has cheated, including myself. People refuse to want to believe that there are motives for cheating...there are motive for lots of things that aren't right in life...motive & excuse are different. A motive gives the reason why & yes I believe women use a bad relationship & or marriage as to why they cheated vs just doing it. Most women I know it's emotional, most men I know that cheat it's strictly sex...though a couple have eventually fallen in the emotion category after thinking it would never happen to them.

[Southern Sun]

Thanks for all the replies. However, I wasn't trying to get at why women cheat versus why men cheat. My question was: does women cheating MEAN something different about their primary relationship than it does if a man cheats. More specifically, if a woman cheats, must it mean that their primary relationship is already doomed to fail? That it's just fundamentally a mismatch? This was the claim of a poster in another thread.

 

This claim caught my eye because in my own affair, I thought for a time that the "feelings" I had for this AP must "mean" my marriage was not right for me. That I had simply chosen wrong. But then I wonder if that is mere mental justification that women do, when they are participating in these activities.

 

And perhaps women do this more often than men, because of their propensity to see themselves as "good," as well as their likelihood of getting caught up emotionally. Whereas men can see the affair as just something that happened, because they were tempted and it was "there" and it doesn't necessarily mean their marriage was wrong for them in the first place.

 

I mean...could it be that societal expectations on women almost create this need to justify WHY we had affairs in the first place...and create this black and white thinking? Or at least contribute to it?

 

Emotional attachments are just part of the human experience, so that would be there regardless.

[carhill]

Regarding your relationship ending question, IME in my demographic, mixed bag. I know just as many self-identified MW's who've remained in their M's as left. Of the ones who left, again a split ticket, with roughly equal amounts leaving as an exit affair and others not leaving for years down the road.

 

One I was involved with personally stayed married for a couple decades and had multiple affairs, then finally had an exit affair and, to my knowledge they're still together today, some 15 years later, though I don't believe they got married. That was a classic MOW/MOM deal. Another, who died, had a couple affairs (not with me) and stayed married for a decade or so before divorcing.

 

My best example of a MW who didn't exit, but did complain in great detail about her M at the time of her A but now tells a markedly different story, is out some 15+ years and closing in on 30 married. I've known her for about 25.

 

My takeaway from all this is that people feel what they feel and communicate perceptions to match their feelings. Generally, even if it is reality, people aren't going to state their spouse is the best person in the world and they're lucky to have them and are an awful person for being unfaithful. The id simply won't allow that. The ego mediates and reasons are formed that sound righteous.

[understand50]

I do not think you can generalize. I think must men and women cheat for all sorts of reasons and justify it depending on how they are made up. In the end they cheat because they want to, and they have the opportunity. For every women that cheated, and then thought that maybe her marriage or partner was not right, or her life was lacking there is the woman, that has a ONS, because they can and they think they can get away with it . We are all too different to have a one size fits all reason. Does not mean that there can be similarities, but each will still have it own twists. One reason that I do not see much discussion on is just "curiosity" what is it like to have sex with someone else, or the person in front of them at the time. I would put men in the same can not generalize category as well.

 

My 2 cents....

[umirano]

Criminal sociology and criminal psychology have shown that the main driver for crimes other than crimes of passion is the expectation to not get caught. I'd assume that most affairs are affairs of opportunity rather than a specific "good" reason, including a supposedly bad primary RS.

 

When a person has to, or wants to, talk about the affair they have to come up with some sort of explanation/justification and I don't see how it can ever be considered reliable information. I mean, it's coming from someone who made lying/deceit and secrecy their day job. Why would you believe what they say after they've been discovered?

 

I'd thus say there's no way to ever reliably determine why somebody, or a demographic for that matter, cheats.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I could be entirely wrong, but I feel like any time I've ever personally known anyone to have an affair, male or female, there was something seriously lacking in the relationship. I mean something the rest of the world could very clearly see well in advance of news of the affair coming out.

 

That doesn't mean there are good reasons/excuses, it just means I have never seen this totally cavalier "meh, I just like some strange for no reason at all and I'm cocky and will never get caught" thing.

[DKT3]

Thanks for all the replies. However, I wasn't trying to get at why women cheat versus why men cheat. My question was: does women cheating MEAN something different about their primary relationship than it does if a man cheats. More specifically, if a woman cheats, must it mean that their primary relationship is already doomed to fail? That it's just fundamentally a mismatch? This was the claim of a poster in another thread.

 

This claim caught my eye because in my own affair, I thought for a time that the "feelings" I had for this AP must "mean" my marriage was not right for me. That I had simply chosen wrong. But then I wonder if that is mere mental justification that women do, when they are participating in these activities.

 

And perhaps women do this more often than men, because of their propensity to see themselves as "good," as well as their likelihood of getting caught up emotionally. Whereas men can see the affair as just something that happened, because they were tempted and it was "there" and it doesn't necessarily mean their marriage was wrong for them in the first place.

 

I mean...could it be that societal expectations on women almost create this need to justify WHY we had affairs in the first place...and create this black and white thinking? Or at least contribute to it?

 

Emotional attachments are just part of the human experience, so that would be there regardless.

 

The why's play a role, that's the point.

 

Women tend to get into affairs because they want attention, maybe a stronger emotional connection. Does it mean it's missing in the marriage? Not necessarily. But its used to justify the actions. Thus she will seek out issues in the marriage to solidify that stance.

 

I recall during the timeframe of my wife's affair, I traveled home to surprise her with gifts, as I didn't think I would be able to make it. A nice romantic lunch, during this lunch I recall her seeming some what uncomfortable, and at one point she asked (while looking away) why was I doing this, why did I fly 2000 miles home to spend a few hours with her. I said because I love you, she replied "no, you did it because it think you have too" it was a odd response that confused me....Until years later, after we divorced, it dawned on me what it really was.

 

She had convinced herself that it was an issue in our marriage, that I choose my career over her, that I wasn't giving her the attention...Those were the justification she used to make herself feel better about the affair. My actions that day countered her beliefs in that moment. It made her feel guilt and shame.

 

So was it an issue? Was there something so fundamentally wrong in our marriage, did she lack attention or was it simply how she justified her affair?