9 Month Point of Marriage - Seem to have hit a wall

[noxturn]

My wife and i have just been married 9 months and we seem to have hit a wall. Prior to being married we dated 2.5 years and lived together for about 1.5 years. Lately the smallest mistakes I make trigger massive explosions from her part. This seems to result in about 2 major fights each week...

 

I understand her major concerns are about my communication, self awareness, and self initiative. I understand where a lot of these things come from. I have an extremely demanding job and pay attention to my cell phone too much. I also am a procrastinator where she is an extreme planner. I'm trying to more cognizant of her feelings but it seems all of her patience is gone and things keep getting worse and worse.

 

For example last week she asked me to grab her Starbucks on the way home from the gym. When i got home she exploded that i forgot to put the straw in the cup and her coffee was now cold and this turned into a conversation about how i never pay attention to what i'm doing and i'm always distracted and suddenly she is reliving a time 7 months ago when i got held up at the office and missed dinner with her parents. I get frustrated that this all started regarding a cup of coffee and then she gets mad that i'm not listening to her and the bigger picture and dwelling on the small details.

 

I know there is some emotionally damaging past history that we need to resolve but we seem unable to do it. I feel like i'm forced to walk on egg shells around my wife. Recently she quit her job and i thought that would help things but it only made it worse. I'm getting frustrated which is only making things worse. I feel like every glass of spilt milk results in her wanting to revisit every mistake I've ever made. I'm starting to become selfish and desperately wanting to scream at her to let go of the past and stop over reacting over every little thing - but i know i hold a lot of the responsibility in our relationship.

 

I love of my wife and I want to save our marriage but i feel exhausted and on the verge of defeat. She believes 95% of the problems are my fault and isn't willing to budge.

 

What do I do get us pack to the loving relationship we had the last 3 years. I feel lost that things such as cold coffee, unwashed dishes, and forgotten errands and jeopardizing the best relationship I've ever had with such a wonderful woman. I wish I could be perfect for her - i really do.

[Popsicle]

Surely, this can't be a new development. You had to have known she was like this. What made you marry this woman?

[noxturn]

Surely, this can't be a new development. You had to have known she was like this. What made you marry this woman?

 

She was never been like this before. I will admit that i'm not the best at putting my wife first. In the past years i have frequently put work & other things before her. I was raised to be a very independent person who never depends on others; however, as a result of this I'm not always the most considerate person of others needing my help. I think she has a bunch of bottled up emotion from me frequently disappointing her in the past and now she is channeling it in a very weird way and i don't know how to resolve this issue.

 

I'm not sure if we are just out of sync or if the shipping is sinking - but i feel like currently we are in a place where everything i do results in upsetting her.

[BettyDraper]

I was ready to say that your wife needed professional help until I read your last post.

Your wife is acting out because you have been inconsiderate and selfish. Have you ever apologized for your behavior?

The way she is expressing her feelings is understandable but still not acceptable.

Marriage counseling could be helpful.

Edited December 27, 2016 by BettyDraper

[Popsicle]

She was never been like this before. I will admit that i'm not the best at putting my wife first. In the past years i have frequently put work & other things before her. I was raised to be a very independent person who never depends on others; however, as a result of this I'm not always the most considerate person of others needing my help. I think she has a bunch of bottled up emotion from me frequently disappointing her in the past and now she is channeling it in a very weird way and i don't know how to resolve this issue.

 

I'm not sure if we are just out of sync or if the shipping is sinking - but i feel like currently we are in a place where everything i do results in upsetting her.

 

I don't know, you admit that you are inconsiderate and selfish, but you don't know what to do?

I doubt we can help you either if you can't figure out how to be unselfish.

[aileD]

Watch this with your wife. You're in the power struggle phase

[mikeylo]

I don't know, you admit that you are inconsiderate and selfish, but you don't know what to do?

I doubt we can help you either if you can't figure out how to be unselfish.

 

He accepts that he wants to scream at her to stop over reacting !

 

OP, check yourself before it's too little too late.

[Mr. Lucky]

Marriage counseling could be helpful.

 

Probably understated .

 

If it's location, location and location in business, it's communication, communication and ...wait for it ...communication in marriage. I'd bet with your nose stuck in your cell phone you're simply not there and she gets tired of talking to a wall. She expresses this frustration inappropriately, you tune her out further and the cycle continues. MC would help you both actively listen, a very different scenario then what's happening now.

 

I have an extremely demanding job and pay attention to my cell phone too much.

 

I'm going to hazard two guesses:

 

1). You're not quite as important to this entity's ongoing viability as you think you are

 

2). You're doing a lot more than checking work emails on your phone.

 

Try putting it down for an hour or two when you're with her. Step away from virtual reality, you've got plenty of problems here and now ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[rushed]

After I broke up with my last boyfriend a friend sent me this article and it explained precisely why I was so frustrated with him.

 

[]

 

It's titled, "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dirty Dishes By The Sink." Of course it goes deeper than the dishes. From the article, "Unfortunately, most guys don’t know that she’s NOT fighting about the glass. She’s fighting for acknowledgment, respect, validation, and his love."

 

It might be an insightful read for you.

Edited December 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted URL ~6

[stillafool]

He accepts that he wants to scream at her to stop over reacting !

 

OP, check yourself before it's too little too late.

 

I agree but OP don't allow her to scream at you no matter what. Just walk away and tell her you will be glad to talk when she can talk at a normal tone and not scream. If you allow her to scold you like a child that is what you are setting up for the future. Put it in check now. You want to know what to do about your selfishness - stop being selfish.

[stillafool]

After I broke up with my last boyfriend a friend sent me this article and it explained precisely why I was so frustrated with him.

 

[]

 

It's titled, "She Divorced Me Because I Left Dirty Dishes By The Sink." Of course it goes deeper than the dishes. From the article, "Unfortunately, most guys don’t know that she’s NOT fighting about the glass. She’s fighting for acknowledgment, respect, validation, and his love."

 

It might be an insightful read for you.

 

Whatever she's fighting for she doesn't have to yell. That gets old fast!

Edited December 27, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TrustedthenBusted]

Sit her down. Ask her if she wants to remain with you. If she says yes, then tell her she needs to quit kitchen-sinking you like this because you have one life to live, and are not going to do it getting every mistake shoved up your ass forever.

 

Some women just want the ring and the fancy dress, and don't really think about the guy who's buying it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Noxturn, it seems to me that you are self sufficient in yourself. From all that you have written you do not need anyone, least of all a woman, to complement you. So why did you get married? Let the poor girl go and find someone who is genuinely interested in her while you keep doing your own thing. Alternatively, you turn over a new leaf and start paying attention to her, make her feel loved and important and an inseparable part of your life. Maybe things will then turn around for you. Just a thought. Warm wishes.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Noxturn, the previous poster may or may not be right about your your wife but the fact remains that your brief marriage is at a crossroads. It may be literally the last chance for you to radically change your attitude toward your wife and start paying more attention to her. On the one hand you say 'The best relationship I've ever had with such a wonderful woman' and on the other you are placing much more importance to your job and your employer, so much so that your wife feels sidelined and an unimportant part of your life. You say she brought up the fact that you missed dinner at her parents place seven months ago because you got held up at the office. Well you could have made sure that you were able to get away because it was two months in to your marriage and you knew it was important for her. She must have felt very hurt that you could put your job commitments above your family commitments. After all it is still the honeymoon phase of your marriage unless you consider that your honeymoon was over in the one and a half years you lived together before marriage.

 

You have stated in clear terms where you have fallen short. I think Popsicle summarized it clearly. As they say 'God helps those who help themselves' and I wonder if you have even made an effort in that direction. This may literally a wakeup call for you before you miss the last bus home. If you want to save your relationship you need to turn over a new leaf. If after all your efforts you still end up losing your wife then I guess what the previous poster said was right. There is another sun on her horizon.

[Gaeta]

She was never been like this before. I will admit that i'm not the best at putting my wife first. In the past years i have frequently put work & other things before her. I was raised to be a very independent person who never depends on others; however, as a result of this I'm not always the most considerate person of others needing my help. I think she has a bunch of bottled up emotion from me frequently disappointing her in the past and now she is channeling it in a very weird way and i don't know how to resolve this issue.

 

You know exactly what is wrong so CHANGE IT.

 

* Put her first as often as you can

* Put that damn phone away when you're home

* She is your wife so have some respect and consideration for her !

 

She can't handle your insolence anymore she is raw. YOU will have to initiate the healing of this relationship. If you love her as you say THAN DO IT. Start by going away for a weekend and leave your phone behind!

[travelbug1996]

Its not easy to change from being a selfish, inconsiderate person to a kind thoughtful, considerate person. Women have to pay attention to these things before getting married. She knew you were this way and is now frustrated that marriage hasn't changed you. She's so frustrated that she's annoyed with he smallest things and screaming at you (which is a total deal-breaker imo)

 

You are who you are. Change is possible but the probability of consistently keeping it up is low.