Split up 6 days ago, now watching ex with new guy. Pls Help

[Mr.P]

Me and my ex split up a week ago today, for the fourth time over 10 months.

 

The reasons behind the first 3 break ups were basically down to me and my working life, it ruled me and got her so upset because I didn't spend much time with her. When we did spend time together I was stressed and on edge, and she didn't enjoy my company.

 

She had so much faith in me that things would be better, and before we got back together for the 4th time, things I thought were much better. I had changed jobs and could spend so much more time with her, and both enjoy each others company.

 

Last Sunday she phoned me in the evening to say "It's not gonna work". I was heartbroken, again. Right after a very passionate night together as well.

 

We sent each other some emails during the week which got a bit heated and harsh words were used. She said she is not going to rush in to any kind of relationship with me or any other guy.

 

We were talking after that, only just, possibly as friends. But last night she arrives at a party hand in hand with the most hated person we all know (hated by many not just me). Then they carry on kissing each other all night in front of me and everyone else, much to the majority's disgust.

 

This really tore me apart, I have never felt anything like this before.

 

She is being taken for a ride because he wants revenge on me and my friends because of our past (which she does not know about) and also on one of her friends who he was going out with (she woke up and dumped him once his true colours shone through).

 

Having spoken to many people today who were at the party last night, they are all disgusted with her and no longer want anything to do with her. It's going to be really difficult for us both now.

 

I am sure our split has come about because he has interfered and brainwashed her. I really want her back, things were going great for us and I want that to continue.

 

Can anyone give me some advice pls?

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Originally posted by Mr.P

Can anyone give me some advice pls?

 

It's never easy seeing an ex with someone els .. I feel for ya.

 

From the sounds of it after 3 other breakups and this one you need to figure out why you let your work come between you guys.

 

Work on yourself for the time being and Leave her be with the new guy.

 

If down the road after you've had some time to work on yourself you may realize that someone else might fit you better or you may find the need to talk to her..

 

 

Either way step aside and leave her alone ( NC ) .. It's the only way

[Mr.P]

I saw them both again tonight, I went to give a friend a hand behind the bar when they both walk in. They didn't talk to each other while I was there. Great I thought.. I went outside for 20 mins and I saw her drive off (she was picked up), even better he didn't take her home.

 

When I went back in I was told what had happened. As soon as I left she went over to him and both sat at the bar holding hands.

 

It's really revolting.

 

I am going to go for the NC option, but unless I change what I do in my spare time I will always see her (we have similar interests). I'm going to have to if I am going to get through this. My friends have all been absolute stars through this, they have supported me the whole way. It's a shame we both share the same friends, she has now been left with losing several of them.

 

But I still want her back, she does not know what she is doing. Even her parents hate him as we all do from what they have seen, but she can't see it.

 

The work problem is no longer an issue, I have resolved that and I know I am a much better person now. Friends and family have noticed the change in me. I feel a lot healthier and happier with life (well, I did until this)

 

Thanks for your reply Fly onThe Wall..

[Mr.P]

I went through my phone before and deleted all the pictures and messages she sent me. Reading all the "Hi gorgeous" txts really upset me again, now she's sending them to someone else who is a class A super w****r.

 

I'm not going to break the NC bcos I really have no idea what to say to her, other than to have a go at her. She says I broke her heart and it was so difficult for her, yet she doesn't understand she's lined herself up for a bigger fall. As much as I detest what she has done I feel like I need to tell her this, so she doesn't get hurt again. But she won't listen to me or her friends over this, we all share the same opinion and we can't stop her.

 

I really want her back, even after all that she's done. Please help.

[Mr.P]

Or should I contact her?

 

What should I say?

 

Call / message / email?

 

Please help, I'm at a loss here

[Mr.P]

Spk of the devil she has just emailled me saying she owes me an apology. She went for a walk along the beach with him and he asked her out. She said yes and didn't care what anyone thought. She was sorry for being so immature and selfish, finished with "I'm so sorry"

 

What does that mean? She's sorry for saying yes to him or sorry for doing it infront of me?

 

I'm not going to contact her until after the weekend, she has many people to see who will give her looks of disgust at the whole situation, that were there on Saturday night. I want her to suffer first.

 

Then what should I say to her? I really can't ignore her, she has played an important role in my life these last 12 months, even if I did give her a hard time. And I want her back, even though friends will not agree.

 

Please help!

[New_Wife]

Say NOTHING. Good grief! This girl is spinning and if you hop in you will be too.

 

It sounds like you two have a stormy soap-opera-drama thing going on. Unless you like that kinda thing, I'd suggest you stop altogether, and maybe start up the communication again after some time has passed and you've had a chance to let the hurt wear off and evaluate what worked and what definitely did NOT work in this relationship. Your part, her part, overall, etc.

 

If, after some calm reflection (minus the drama input), you decide this is worth persuing, have a nice quiet talk with some ground rules & understandings. Otherwise, consider xanax.

[Mr.P]

Thanks New_Wife,

 

I will talk to her, but only once she has got shut of this new guy. I really want to say something to expedite that but it will only make things worse between us.

 

I really want to talk to her family about it too, because they understand exactly what I mean about him she is the only one that can't !

 

Does anyone else have any suggestions on how to effectively have some sense slapped in to her without any communication ?!?!

[Mr.P]

Anyone?

 

Please help, I'm in a mess here.

[Mr.P]

Ok so the NC was going good until she txt me 2 days ago about a matter not related to us. No mention of us or what she did at all, just about an event tomorrow. I replied only answering the question she asked to which she replied with "You're a star" and asking another question. I din't lead her on in any way, just answered her question again, got a "Thanks, that's cool" reply.

 

Waddya think? Should I have approached the subject of her & us or did I do it right ? I'll be seeing her tomorrow, any suggestionns?

[pippen_2k]

Your getting really worked up over this girl, it cant be doing you any good.

 

When you see her tomorrow your gonna have to try and act cool about things, so please dont put her on the spot and bring up relationship talk. You know she doesnt wanna talk about that.

 

If there is gonna be any fututre between you 2 SHE is the one thats gonna have to initiate it. in the meantime, your gonna have to take a step back and try to get on with your life and dont wait around.

 

I really dont know why you are seeing her tomorrow or texting each other.... Only brings you grief....

[Devildog]

Oh where to begin here. So she shows up and plays tonsil hockey with this guy, but they were not actually "dating"?

 

I'm trying to get an idea of the age range here. You mentioned helping out behind the bar. So you would have to be atleast 18 to serve alcohol. So this isn't some high school crap. So why are you letting her play little high school games on you?

 

Get her to see the problems with this other guy? Never gonna happen. Human nature seems to be that we have to discover things for ourselves. It's because we are all "different and special". So even though someone is a total jerk to the population of the world in general, it will be different for them. But it never is. But we have to learn from our mistakes, rarely does anyone learn from the advice of others. You don't understand what they mean by "the fire is gonna burn you" until you know what the burn feels like. So there is no convincing her, and the "advice" from everyone just makes her want to prove everyone wrong even more, just to show she is a special case.

 

Let her make her mistakes, move on with your life. If she shows up on your doorstep a charred wreck, just say "told ya so" and close the door.

[Mr.P]

Pippen, we both have the same interest in watersports and there is an event on tomorrow that we are both going to. (Not together of course)

 

I'm not going to mention anything about our relationship, whilst she is seeing him I want nothing to do with her. If that means having to avoid her then fine.

 

Devildog, We're over 18 and I don't know why she's playing high school games on me. She's told me when we were together that he was really winding her up harrassing her all the time by phone/messages. I didn't get involved because I thought she was an intelligent girl, now she's dating him ????? WTF ???

 

As much as I know I should slam the door in her face saying "I told you so" we have too much history together and I just couldn't do it. I know deep down she is a genuine honest really nice girl which is why I still want to be with her, she has been brainfooked by him on this one and rather than interfere, I'm going to sit back until she figures that out for herself, when her friends stop talking to her and when her parents go mad at her.

 

Until then, I'm gonna try as much NC as possible, want to see her suffer first.

[Devildog]

Originally posted by Mr.P

As much as I know I should slam the door in her face saying "I told you so" we have too much history together and I just couldn't do it. I know deep down she is a genuine honest really nice girl which is why I still want to be with her, she has been brainfooked by him on this one and rather than interfere, I'm going to sit back until she figures that out for herself, when her friends stop talking to her and when her parents go mad at her.

 

I used to think that about my ex-wife too. Live and learn. It gets pretty easy to slam that door when you have had some time and distance from the relationship. Your mind is just clouded by emotions right now. Once you get clear of that, you will see her in a totally different light.

[klandes]

I'm going through a similar situation right now, but in this case i'm the ex GF that has moved on in such a short period of time, 2 weeks. My BF or "ex" of a year, decided to take his time off and forgot to tell me about it, he ignored me and my calls for about a month... i went through a really tough time, until i met this new guy and we totally hit it off.

This is where the situation sounds similar to yours - I go to this bar with this guy and to my surprise i see my ex there, he goes crazy. He pulls me aside and demands me to tell him what's going on, and how much he loves me, blah blah.. I'm obviously trying to move on after so much pain and suffering i couldn't take it anymore. I don't care if it took me a week or a day.

 

My question is, you must've done something to your GF to move on in such a quick way and believe me i'm sure she still cares about you. At least that's what i feel right now, i still love my ex, but this new guy has been more than amazing with me, i'm starting to get really close, and my feelings are really messed up right now. My ex has been calling me non-stop and practically beggin me to forgive him... and right now, i need my own space.

 

His NC pushed me away...in the meantime i found someone else...So NC really works, only depending on the situation. Now that he knows i'm hanging out with someone else, he's begging me, almost crying to get back together. I replied his calls, I even met with him and to my own weakness hooked up... but i still want my space and hopefully he'll understand.

 

Give her a week or so (not months) don't push her, give her time to figure out what she wants, if this guy is really a dick then she'll find out sooner than you know.

[Mr.P]

Ok so I've been looking forward to this day for a while...

 

I saw her today, she made conversation and was rather jovial considering I haven't spoken to her in over a week (longest time in 11 months, we split up once and didn't speak for 4 days. she was petrified of talking to me as she didn't know what I'd be like).

 

She appeared to be completely oblivious to what she's done to me, and was with "The t**t". They weren't around for long as they broke part of their boat and had to return to shore. No one really saw them and so she didn't exactly "suffer" as I wanted her to by everyone else.

 

I was very straight to the point in conversation, bit more than one word answers but by no means by usual self. Thought I got the message across that I was not interested in speaking to her, but she's sent me a message now I'm home letting me know what's broke and if I need any help, don't hesitate in calling her........

 

WTF ?? I'm just as confused as ever !! It's pretty obvious she wants to be friends, but as I've said I don't want to until she sorts herself out. Then I'll pursue getting back together

 

If I speak to her, I will only end up telling how stupid she is being and I'm sure that will upset her. Maybe it will expedite her leap back to reality, maybe it will completely screw things up between us for when they do break up.

 

Help pls !!

[Devildog]

MR P, the message is a test to see if you are still hanging on. Are you gonna keep her up on what is going on or not. Can she still pull your strings. If she can, she will continue doing things the way she is right now. Your best bet is not to keep her informed. Don't call her when you are fixing whatever.

[Mr.P]

I sent her an email telling her how disappointed I was with the way she left the boat, in the reply I got she said she still cares a lot about me, despite the way she has shown it. This prompted me to reply back basically saying I want nothing to do with her until she sorts herself out.

 

I'm not playing silly games like this anymore, I wonder if I'll get a reply ??

[Mr.P]

**posted just to send post back to the top, previous reply didn't work**

[Mr.P]

I did get a reply, she does not regret dating me and she does not regret dating this new guy. She does however regret the way she went about it. She also mentioned a couple of other things not related to us, so I just replied to those bits not mentioning what she said. She knows where I stand and how I feel yet she is acting like it's nothing serious.

 

Should I just ignore her altogether until she realises I want nothing to do with her until she dumps the new guy, or keep talking to her when there is less chance that she'll come to her senses ?!?

 

I dunno what to do !! I still want her back !!

[totallyconfused]

i think devildog is right on the dot with alot of his advice.

 

IME, this girl is acting alot like my ex (we just broke up 2 weeks ago - was together for 4 years, except HE cheated on me!). she's saying alot of the same things my x said.

 

she seems to be really confused, but at the same she wants to be selfish. selfish in that she wants to have you in her life so she can feel "balanced" (b/c technically she misses u, the comfort) yet date some other guy b/c that is what she WANTS. she is basically tending to her needs first. she contacts you not b/c she wants to get together with you, but rather b/c she wants to string u along.

 

i dont think i will ever understand these games people play. the whole NC ordeal and stringing people along. its very hurtful. why would we want someone, let alone, be their friend, if they do this? honesty is not so hard, if your honest, people can and will forgive - its human nature. but when u lie, its like taking that person's decision away from them and completely disrespecting them.

 

this girl doesnt seem like the one for you. even from the beginning u said u had broken up 3x before this. thats not good at all. there was a reason it hadnt worked out before, so dont forget those feelings. right now u want her back, b/c u cant have her right now. we always want what we cant have. if u let this girl go thru like this w/the breakup/makeup, its going to continue to be a vicious cycle.

 

stay strong, give yourself at least 2 weeks of NC. it'll put some logic back in your head, it did for me.

[Mr.P]

totallyconfused, thanks for your reply. I sent her a message replying to her one of last night, and straight after my home phone rang, I knew who it would be and so didn't answer, then my mobile rang and I did the same. Pretty obvious I was ignoring her call as I had just sent her a message from my mobile.

 

The reason it didn't work before was because I was in a mess caused by work. I was under so much stress and pressure it took control of my life and she had to suffer with the aftermath. I left that job and she began to see that I had changed and she took me back. That lasted a week, the reasons why I am yet to find out.

 

I wouldn't jump in at the deep end and say she is "The One" but she stood by me when I was going through the worst stage of my life so far, and I'll never forget that. I love her to bits.... even after what she has done.

 

I'll persevere with NC as best I can, but I see her at least once a week as it is which puts a slight twist on things!

[totallyconfused]

"I wouldn't jump in at the deep end and say she is "The One" but she stood by me when I was going through the worst stage of my life so far, and I'll never forget that. I love her to bits.... even after what she has done."

 

I know EXACTLY what u mean, 6 months ago when I tried breaking up w/my x, he cried and begged and pleaded practically stalked me for 3-4 months. At the time I was trying to see a guy, but that guy got so pissed off at me b/c I kept giving the "x" more priority over him. I was honest with both of them the entire time, telling both of them - leave while u can, but at the same I was always there for him. I never wanted to hurt him, ya know?

 

And after all that begging and pleading, I decided that WOW maybe he is really something. But now that the tables have turned and he wants a "break", I feel like maybe he wants me to do the same thing? EXCEPT for a few major things - he wasn't honest and cheated on me for 3 or 4 months.

 

So yes, I can relate, this guy stood by me for 3-4 months of the worst stages of my life of confusion. So what do we do? Well I know that it was messed up of him to string me along w/o ever telling me his intentions. He deceived me in so many ways at the end, with truely cruel horrible intentions. He didnt ever plan to tell me about another girl or shall I say girls. (Yes multiple girls from online). He really thought he was gonna get off scott free and then what try to come back to me? What kind of a man is that? Maybe he does expect me to beg and plead like he did, maybe he doesn't. Either way, he went about it all the wrong ways and shredded the most important value in a relationship - honesty. Still, I loved him to bits even after everything hes done. I just gotta remind myself what a crappy cheating husband he wouldve made.

 

So...in your case lol, if your ex has been honest with you the entire time, then I'd say see ya to her. But if she has been honest, well...then she'd have been like me when I tried to break up w/my x 6 months ago. For me, I was CONFUSED. I thought geez this man, I dont think he is for me, and then theres this other guy who wants me, so I'm thinking - eh dating seems pretty easy. I was 95% confident I could live my life w/o him. But at the same time, I couldnt stop calling him or letting him come see me. I couldn't stop talking him about us or crying with him. I wanted both. (it was a LDR while the new guy was like 15 min away) I KNEW I was being selfish, but I kept justifying my reason b/c I was being honest with both of them. Ya know? I was being indecisive = no decision at all. I didnt want to make a decision so I waited around until somebody did. Which was the new guy getting pissed off at me, so I bounced. Didn't want to deal with that. I'll say my intentions were not good, but not all bad. Caring, but wanting my cake and eat it too.

 

Maybe that is what your ex is going thru also. I used to tell my x, if u want me back just back off and I'll want you back so badly, but he never did. And thus why we went thru that whirlwind of a 3 month break. MALE or FEMALE - we all want what we cant have. The question is, even if they did take us back, would you seriously want them back? Or is it just a game to win so our pride wont hurt?

 

IDK I'm still trying to figure that out for myself. All I know is, the grieving process will take at minimum 7 days. After that, it gets a heck of alot better, esp if your goin out and havin fun. The more you push for closeness w/her, the more she'll pull away. Once u let go, she'll be wondering - WTF didn't I mean anything to him wah wah wah. So yeah, be strong, dont call for awhile. The more days u dont call, the stronger you get. If she wants you back, you'll be the first person to know. So dont wait around and go out already!

[mixwell]

Mr. P just stop contacting her and replying ! I know its hard !! I was with my ex for 7 years growin up together since we were 14 !!! yeah its tough as hell but listen to us !! I wish i would have listened when my breakup was fresh.. Just dont respond or anything.. stop going to places you know she is going to be at.. dont ever mention a relationship with her... serious.. Once time goes on you will realize what i am saying is true.. I know its hard.. my parents told me to stop contacting my ex when she broke up with me and i made excuses to contact her.. The more you act like you are okay with the breakup and dont want anything to do with her the more likely you are to actually get her back.. its true.. By letting her know you are going to be there for her and confessing your love to her and begging the more unattractive you are in her eyes.. shoot me an email and i will send you a couple of ebooks that you need to read !! they will open your eyes !! my email is [email protected] its your call.. I am just here to give advice and help people out.. if you want to use it , its up to you..

 

take care,

 

Peace

[Mr.P]

She couldn't bear the NC and she sent me a message.

 

She wants me to keep next Sunday free as she is trying to get hold of tickets to an event that she wants me & her to go to.

 

I've also found out that she txt a friend of mine asking if he would like to meet up with her and her new bf for a drink, to which he politely replied no, as his faith lies with me and not her.

 

What do I do now ?? I know what the event is she wants me to go to, but I don't want to go with her if she is still seeing this prat. How do I tell her that without compromising anything between us in the future?