Is alcohol a valid excuse ?

[Whitestar]

Hi

 

I've seen quite a few comments dismissive of the classic excuse of cheating "I was drunk."

 

I find this interesting and surprising. That alcohol can have a very powerful disinhibition effect leading to disregard for social conventions, impulsivity, and poor risk assessment has been well established. This effect has been noted in many social contexts not just in the flirting/cheating context. Alcohol can also effect ones short term memories. It also effects women more strongly then men.

 

You may argue that the cheat made a choice to be drunk and that is certainly true. However a large minority of people in Western countries regularly self medicate themselves with alcohol for stress, anxiety and depression. Drinking excessively after work for instance is for many less of a choice than a necessity.

 

Beyond the effects of alcohol is the role of social context. People in Western countries consistently underplay the effect of social context on individual behavior despite it having been well established by Milgram and Zimbardo and others. Nice people become monsters in the right social context. Wild and impulsive behavior is expected in clubs and therefore people behave wilder and more impulsively than normal even without alcohol. Peer pressure from friends is yet another social factor.

 

Putting this together it seems to me that being stressed out and getting wasted in a club or bar and cheating on your SO should often be excused because its not the real them.

Edited December 28, 2016 by Whitestar

[Space Ritual]

Hi

 

I've seen quite a few comments dismissive of the classic excuse of cheating "I was drunk."

 

I find this interesting and surprising. That alcohol can have a very powerful disinhibition effect leading to disregard for social conventions, impulsivity, and poor risk assessment has been well established. This effect has been noted in many social contexts not just in the flirting/cheating context. Alcohol can also effect ones short term memories. It also effects women more strongly then men.

 

You may argue that the cheat made a choice to be drunk and that is certainly true. However a large minority of people in Western countries regularly self medicate themselves with alcohol for stress, anxiety and depression. Drinking excessively after work for instance is for many less of a choice than a necessity.

 

Beyond the effects of alcohol is the role of social context. People in Western countries consistently underplay the effect of social context on individual behavior despite it having been well established by Milgram and Zimbardo and others. Nice people become monsters in the right social context. Wild and impulsive behavior is expected in clubs and therefore people behave wilder and more impulsively than normal even without alcohol. Peer pressure from friends is yet another social factor.

 

Putting this together it seems to me that being stressed out and getting wasted in a club or bar and cheating on your SO should often be excused because its not the real them.

 

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict with over 20 years of sobriety under my belt.

 

I did a lot of things when I was drunk or high. Cheating on somebody I was with or even contemplating it was never one of those things. Oddly having been cheated on numerous times as bad of a person as I was i never wanted to visit that pain on somebody else for any reason.

 

I may be in the very small minority but I would never even consider cheating on somebody, even if I knew for sure I could get away with it.Being a victim of it was too painful for me to ever do it to somebody I cared even remotely about. Never.

[Whitestar]

Yes of course the experience of having been cheated on would I imagine likely be a powerful inhibitor to cheating even with alcohol.

People do though feel greater sexual desire when drunk for good philological reasons which have nothing to do with character. Throw in context, opportunity, peer pressure, stress and low self esteem and the likelihood of someone behaving out of character is high. Allowing your shy girlfriend to go dancing and getting drunk with her friends is probably not a good idea.

[breakupthrowaway663]

I work in the nightlife industry so find myself spending many weekends out socializing and drinking, sometimes in excess.

 

But to get from point A of meeting someone at the bar/club to point Z of being in my bed with her is a huge jump involving opening many doors along the way.

 

Talking to her is door 1. Flirting is the next door. Putting my hand on her is the next. Each of these is a decision I'd have to somehow rationalize.

 

Even while black/brown out I can see these doors and know what I'm doing. This is why I don't think it's an excuse. I never lose control per se. I may have lower inhibitions but any decisions I make were probably already desired deep down -- maybe the reason the shy girl will go off and hook up. Alcohol is just a catalyst.

 

When ex's and other women tell me stories of blacking out, waking up in a guys bed, not knowing what happened at all, I have a hard time believing it. Maybe someone else can reinforce this experience but I always have a general sense of what's going on when I drink.

[Satu]

Being drunk doesn't excuse anything.

 

Ask any judge.

 

 

Take care.

[niji]

Hi

 

I've seen quite a few comments dismissive of the classic excuse of cheating "I was drunk."

 

You may argue that the cheat made a choice to be drunk and that is certainly true. However a large minority of people in Western countries regularly self medicate themselves with alcohol for stress, anxiety and depression. Drinking excessively after work for instance is for many less of a choice than a necessity.

 

Same with taking stimulant drugs to pull an all-nighter for finals. Oh no, these people didn't have a choice to study more than the night before the exam, they had no choice but to resort to street drugs.

 

As a non drinker (social drinking sometimes to be polite, but honestly I'd take coffee or hot chocolate over alcohol if given the choice), I don't ever judge those who drink. I, however, have no respect for people who say they have no choice but to drink. Life is nothing but a series of choices. You make yours and deal with the consequences.

 

Same with "no choice but to cheat". Of course it was a choice, a conscious one. It's a cheap comedy line, at best.

[Methodical]

Putting this together it seems to me that being stressed out and getting wasted in a club or bar and cheating on your SO should often be excused because its not the real them.

 

Using alcohol as a crutch doesn't absolve one's actions.

[Redhead14]

Hi

 

I've seen quite a few comments dismissive of the classic excuse of cheating "I was drunk."

 

I find this interesting and surprising. That alcohol can have a very powerful disinhibition effect leading to disregard for social conventions, impulsivity, and poor risk assessment has been well established. This effect has been noted in many social contexts not just in the flirting/cheating context. Alcohol can also effect ones short term memories. It also effects women more strongly then men.

 

You may argue that the cheat made a choice to be drunk and that is certainly true. However a large minority of people in Western countries regularly self medicate themselves with alcohol for stress, anxiety and depression. Drinking excessively after work for instance is for many less of a choice than a necessity.

 

Beyond the effects of alcohol is the role of social context. People in Western countries consistently underplay the effect of social context on individual behavior despite it having been well established by Milgram and Zimbardo and others. Nice people become monsters in the right social context. Wild and impulsive behavior is expected in clubs and therefore people behave wilder and more impulsively than normal even without alcohol. Peer pressure from friends is yet another social factor.

 

Putting this together it seems to me that being stressed out and getting wasted in a club or bar and cheating on your SO should often be excused because its not the real them.

 

Ah, rationalization. It allows some people to operate with "organized chaos".

 

While alcohol does cause people to drop their inhibitions and behave in ways they may not while sober, what it actually does is allow the person to "release" some things that are being consciously suppressed and/or unconsciously repressed. They are being "themselves". Just the people they don't want the world to see. In most cases, it's truth serum.

 

The key to the above statement is this: drop their inhibitions -- what is being observed are those "inhibited" behaviors/attitudes/thoughts that we don't see otherwise. You're seeing the real them, just another side of them.

 

your SO should often be excused because its not the real them. -- Make sure you apply this logic when you're talking to a parent whose child was killed by a drunk driver . . . It may not be the "real them" driving that car, but that car was very real to that child and those parents.

[smackie9]

Alcohol is in the class of depressants. Tho one may feel "stimulated" after a beer or glass of wine to "loosen up", excessive drinking will have more of a depressive effect.

 

Anyways, alcohol affects people differently. Can alcohol make you make poor choices, like cheating or lose control of your actions ...yes it can. So yes you can say, as a RESULT they cheated due to too much drinking. Is it excusable? No and Yes, depending on who you ask, or situation some don't forgive, while others do. Everyone's circumstance and perspective is different.

[road]

Hi

 

I've seen quite a few comments dismissive of the classic excuse of cheating "I was drunk."

 

I find this interesting and surprising. That alcohol can have a very powerful disinhibition effect leading to disregard for social conventions, impulsivity, and poor risk assessment has been well established. This effect has been noted in many social contexts not just in the flirting/cheating context. Alcohol can also effect ones short term memories. It also effects women more strongly then men.

 

You may argue that the cheat made a choice to be drunk and that is certainly true. However a large minority of people in Western countries regularly self medicate themselves with alcohol for stress, anxiety and depression. Drinking excessively after work for instance is for many less of a choice than a necessity.

 

Beyond the effects of alcohol is the role of social context. People in Western countries consistently underplay the effect of social context on individual behavior despite it having been well established by Milgram and Zimbardo and others. Nice people become monsters in the right social context. Wild and impulsive behavior is expected in clubs and therefore people behave wilder and more impulsively than normal even without alcohol. Peer pressure from friends is yet another social factor.

 

Putting this together it seems to me that being stressed out and getting wasted in a club or bar and cheating on your SO should often be excused because its not the real them.

 

 

 

Getting drunk is never a necessity. It is a choice.

[drifter777]

The lowering of inhibition actually means that a person is more likely to GIVE THEMSELVES PERMISSION to act out. It is an excuse, not reason. It absolves nothing and is no different, to me, than a 5 year affair.

[Clockwork]

I am tired of people using alcohol as an excuse. It's cowardly. You have made a choice - when you were sober - to drink beyond your means. That was your choice when you were sober. I don't deny that alcohol or drugs can make a person even hallucinate to the point where they don't remember what they did. Remember this................when you are sober. Because that is the time you are making this choice, not when you are blind drunk.

[Whitestar]

What if you suffer from social anxiety disorder or PTSD and use alcohol to manage the symptoms like many women (and men including myself) do ? What if you need alcohol to chase away the melancholia and relax ? Then alcohol isn't a really a 'choice' is it?

 

And your brain on alcohol isn't your brain in its normal state. Its inhibitory mechanisms are disabled. Its like driving a car without brakes. You may become violent or horny or suicidal completely out of character. I know I have done things when drunk at college I would never do sober. Especially in social contexts where behaving in an outrageous way is permitted or even expected

 

I not saying we should give a blank check to partners who get drunk and **** other people but there are circumstances were understanding and forgiveness are appropriate.

 

My solution? I wouldn't accept my partner going to club with friends to get drunk and dance without me not would I expect her to accept me doing the same. It just courts disaster....

[Whitestar]

[]

 

1. A drunk brain does not work correctly. This has been proven many times in brain imaging studies. People are not choosing to behave out of character on booze, there brains (specifically their pre frontal cortex) is ****ed up.

 

2. Given the right social context nice people will behave completely out of character. Check out Zimbardo's classic Stanford Prison experiment. Nice normal sane college students given the role of guarding other students in a mock prison rapidly turned into monsters. Clubs and bars and parties and frats are social contexts were wild behavior is permitted even encouraged. It happens even without alcohol because of the social context. We simply dont have as much Free Will as many posters seem to think.

 

Therefore avoid clubs, bars, parties and frats(not difficult since in an introvert). Avoid using alcohol or other drugs in public spaces. And if your drunk gf or bf ends up doing something awful at them at least hear them out and be kind. Obviously repeat offenders should be walked away from...

Edited December 29, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Woggle]

Nope and even if it was I don't want to be with somebody who is such a drunk they just can't help but to cheat. If she cheats she is out no matter sober, drunk, high, crazy or whatever.

[Whitestar]

Consider this:

 

Two normal sane guys go to a club, get very drunk and end up beating the crap out of each other, something completely out of character.

 

Would we say that these guys wanted the beat the crap out of each other all along and that getting very drunk was simply their excuse for there out of character behavior? Of course not. We would say that the excess alcohol was largely responsible for the out of character behavior. We wouldn't see it as a moral or character flaw so much as a problem with alcohol which my stem for other biopsychosocial factors .

 

So why should we not accept the same reasoning when it comes to drunk cheating at least as a first judgement? The world needs a lot more kindness and forgiveness all round....

[breakupthrowaway663]

Consider this:

 

Two normal sane guys go to a club, get very drunk and end up beating the crap out of each other, something completely out of character.

 

Would we say that these guys wanted the beat the crap out of each other all along and that getting very drunk was simply their excuse for there out of character behavior? Of course not. We would say that the excess alcohol was largely responsible for the out of character behavior. We wouldn't see it as a moral or character flaw so much as a problem with alcohol which my stem for other biopsychosocial factors .

 

So why should we not accept the same reasoning when it comes to drunk cheating at least as a first judgement? The world needs a lot more kindness and forgiveness all round....

 

That simply doesn't happen without some underlying emotions about the other person already established.

[smackie9]

That simply doesn't happen without some underlying emotions about the other person already established.

There is no scientific poof of this because alcohol affects people differently mentally and physically and at different times too. There are those situations when it just happens with no warning whatsoever.

 

 

I don't know too many people that wake up in the morning and say, I'm going to get so blasted tonight so I have an excuse to cheat on my SO. Now sure there are those who do go out on the town with a purpose yes, but there are those who drink a little too much (gosh who hasn't) without intention of ever cheating.....

[Clockwork]

What if you suffer from social anxiety disorder or PTSD and use alcohol to manage the symptoms like many women (and men including myself) do ? What if you need alcohol to chase away the melancholia and relax ? Then alcohol isn't a really a 'choice' is it?

 

And your brain on alcohol isn't your brain in its normal state. Its inhibitory mechanisms are disabled. Its like driving a car without brakes. You may become violent or horny or suicidal completely out of character. I know I have done things when drunk at college I would never do sober. Especially in social contexts where behaving in an outrageous way is permitted or even expected

 

I not saying we should give a blank check to partners who get drunk and **** other people but there are circumstances were understanding and forgiveness are appropriate.

 

My solution? I wouldn't accept my partner going to club with friends to get drunk and dance without me not would I expect her to accept me doing the same. It just courts disaster....

 

Consider this:

 

Two normal sane guys go to a club, get very drunk and end up beating the crap out of each other, something completely out of character.

 

Would we say that these guys wanted the beat the crap out of each other all along and that getting very drunk was simply their excuse for there out of character behavior? Of course not. We would say that the excess alcohol was largely responsible for the out of character behavior. We wouldn't see it as a moral or character flaw so much as a problem with alcohol which my stem for other biopsychosocial factors .

 

So why should we not accept the same reasoning when it comes to drunk cheating at least as a first judgement? The world needs a lot more kindness and forgiveness all round....

 

The world does need more forgiveness, I agree. That being said, if you know that your behaviour changes significantly with alcohol then you should not be drinking it at all. Alcohol is a drug, plain and simple. It is only for mature adults, I say. People get behind the wheel and kill people because of alcohol. You mentioned the thing about two otherwise normal men fighting right? Well, if you know that drinking will cause you to be more aggressive why drink? It makes no sense.

 

 

Consequences happen with excessive drinking and you can't blame the other person for not liking the things you did to hurt them - possibly permanently - while you were drunk.

[SwordofFlame]

Hi

 

I've seen quite a few comments dismissive of the classic excuse of cheating "I was drunk."

 

I find this interesting and surprising. That alcohol can have a very powerful disinhibition effect leading to disregard for social conventions, impulsivity, and poor risk assessment has been well established. This effect has been noted in many social contexts not just in the flirting/cheating context. Alcohol can also effect ones short term memories. It also effects women more strongly then men.

 

You may argue that the cheat made a choice to be drunk and that is certainly true. However a large minority of people in Western countries regularly self medicate themselves with alcohol for stress, anxiety and depression. Drinking excessively after work for instance is for many less of a choice than a necessity.

 

Beyond the effects of alcohol is the role of social context. People in Western countries consistently underplay the effect of social context on individual behavior despite it having been well established by Milgram and Zimbardo and others. Nice people become monsters in the right social context. Wild and impulsive behavior is expected in clubs and therefore people behave wilder and more impulsively than normal even without alcohol. Peer pressure from friends is yet another social factor.

 

Putting this together it seems to me that being stressed out and getting wasted in a club or bar and cheating on your SO should often be excused because its not the real them.

 

Isn't this line of thinking used as a reason for why certain drugs (even alcohol was illegal at one point) should be illegal? If you know you can't act responsibly when drunk, than don't drink. There are other healthier ways to relieve stress, anxiety and depression than to drink. To answer your question, alcohol should never be a legitimate excuse for cheating.