Trying to get her back. I messed up bad.

[Classicproblems]

Well hello. I am new here and there's a lot to say so I will try to summarize what I'm going thru. Been with my wife for 6 years and married for almost 5. We have one child together and I also have 3 step children too. I have messed up horribly by serial cheating and she has given me a second chance and I screwed it all up again. This time was an emotional affair. I have a sex addiction problem and have been attending therapy and also am going to a SLAA group meeting for the first time this week and have not cheated since she found out about this last time. The problem is, I have broken her heart too many times and now I'm in a situation where I love her and so want to be with her and have learned my lesson about sex addiction and my problem that I want to fix it for good. If only I could turn back time...

 

It all started around the time our first child was born. I turned to the internet and started messing around on various apps and having NSA sex. The first time I was caught it was not such a huge deal for her and she forgave me quickly. The second time she was suspicious and found out once again but I had not acted on my intentions and started attending therapy. I was sober and good for about 2 years and then went back to it right when she trusted me again. And then I went for round 3, the emotional affair I just got out of. So now I'm sitting here and watching her house while she has the kids in another state and wishing none of this crap had ever happened but it's too late. I know it will never happen again and am taking the appropriate steps to make sure but she is really hesitating to give me a shot. I don't blame her.

 

 

We are separated although not legally and I have my own apartment but have been staying with her for the past week or so before she left. We are still intimate but I am sure her family is pushing her to leave me. Again I don't blame them. But I so badly want to make this work and be the best person for her and have us work out. She is pretty much ignoring me and keeps postponing her return. Any advice on winning the love of my life's heart back over and making this right? I do not want a divorce. I want to love her for the rest of my days. Help!

[mystificatecg]

Nope, you're screwed. Sorry.

[Logo]

She gave you too many chances, probably because of the children and because she felt desperate given the circumstances of having step children, too.

 

Or she loves/loved you a lot.

 

Either way, as someone who's been on the receiving end, being cheated on by my ex girlfriend, I wouldn't give you another chance. It hurts too much to have to put up with it.

 

You need to take care of your problem before you can even start thinking about anything remotely close to getting back with her.

[springy]

I've been on the receiving end of this kind of behavior. It took years to pick up the pieces after I left my sex addict ex. When I found out the gory details of what he had been up to...well, words cannot describe the pain I went through.

 

The best thing for you to do is give her space and continue with therapy. That is all.

[bluefeather]

You can't love her and have her at the same time.

[benpom]

I want to love her for the rest of my days. Help!

 

Anything is possible, but if the chance is only 1 in a million, would you still work on it?

 

Your trust is broken, really really broken, liked a vase that has been broken into tiny little dust, not just small pieces. You know the time and patience it will take to piece together that fine dust into a vase? Very very long time.

 

A few advice for you:

a. A person who says 'I am going to quit smoking.' is likely to smoke again. A person who does not even think about smoking is much less likely to start smoking. In your case, you are still in the mode of 'I am going to stop cheating'. So that's a problem ... By the time you find enough fulfillment in life to not need to remind yourself quit cheating is the time you can truly trust yourself not to cheat.

 

b. To have the best chance of getting her back, here is my advice. But take it with caution, because I am not a relationship expert. Also only try this if you truly feel this is the right thing to do. Never ever use manipulation to get something done.

1. Make a sincere and proper apology. That means: do not blame her for anything; do not ask her to get back to you. KEY: SINCERITY

2. If she does not block you completely, then give it some time. Then tell her you want to get back and make amends, but you also understand if she does not want to. KEY: RESPECT HER DECISION

3. Find something that brings true fulfillment to your life. That is the best cure of addiction. This is not finding a band-aid solution. This is a lifelong process. This is the way of living. It needs to be something you are proud of, like a new skill or selfless act of helping people, etc. It is not easy. Life is busy and breaking old habits takes tremendous commitment and hard internal work. Most people aren't capable of it.

At this point, the best way to get her back is to let her go. Right now, you are like a sword stabbing her. Guess what happens when someone holding a sword is chasing you? You run. So don't chase her right now. When you are the sword, the best way to love her is to leave her alone. The only time you can POSSIBLY get her back for real is when you have transformed into a someone who is truly trustworthy, and enough time has passed for her to see that, and if she is still available by then.

 

Good luck to you!

Edited December 29, 2016 by benpom

[hannahph]

First of all, congratulations on accepting you have a real problem and seeking professional help. Keep going with that as long as it takes, even if it's for the rest of your life. You need to do what's best for her if you love her, so that means if you do not feel strong enough to not cheat again, give her some space. Try to be selfless in your decisions to be in her life right now. I believe anything can be forgiven, but that does not mean she should stay with you if you continue to cheat. Praying for you that you overcome this burden and can be reunited with your family!